Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

My wonderful mum used to clean while she was talking to me and do my ironing while she was talking to me and take home washing when I had a baby then later a baby and a toddler. That then helped me get on top of stuff. My standards always slipped but less and less each time she came. She would then let me nap while she fussed over the baby/toddler which was so needed. Always ask first saying that you understand how much time and sleep babies take Tom you and then do stuff. Nobody likes anyone taking over but chatting while you work is a perfect combination.

[?Un]HappyBumbleBee,
sorry you have been feeling down and struggling recently.
but with 5 other people in the house why are you bearing the burden of housework ?
maybe you can get busy with your pen and clipboard to make some duty rotas.
all the best. take it easy, and don't feel bad about it. good luck.

It's probably not so much the mess itself as the worry about your daughter's emotional and mental health that is concerning you. I think lockdown has got to us all in different ways and your daughter may well be experiencing a bout of depression, especially if she has struggled in the past.

I would try to keep in touch as much as you can - maybe don't probe too vigorously if she doesn't tend to open up about things, but give her plenty of opportunity to say how she is actually feeling.

I'm sure they would welcome either a day or two away if you babysit at the end of August or at least some time out together without the baby.

You could always say something like "If I've time while you're away, I'll do a wee bit of housework ( it's the only exercise I'm getting just now) - would it be more help if I did the kitchen or the bathroom?" or something that you know can sound fairly light-hearted without causing offence.

I know my children appreciate it if I manage to do some cleaning/washing/ironing while they're out but understand your daughter may be a bit fragile just now and see it as criticism.

Hopefully things will improve and your daughter will open up about her feelings if she needs help. Counselling can also be a huge support if she is willing to consider it.

The main thing is for her to know you are there for her, and will offer support without being judgemental.

I might ask your daughter how she’s feeling, but I’d let them get on with the cleaning.

Surely it’s up to your son in law as well?

I can’t imagine having a new baby with lockdown/pandemic. The anxiety must be overwhelming.

Hopefully her partner is aware of she’s struggling and can help her talk to her dr if needed.

Please do not clean her house without permission on your next visit per some suggestions.

My daughter has never been tidy and her house can be messy, but, it is her house, not mine. If she is happy living like that, and she is very happy with her life, then it is none of my business. Just enjoy your daughter, offer help but if it is refused then don't worry about it. Don't make an issue of it.

I would suggest that you wash up, sweep the floor, put out the garbage and plump up any cushions on the sofa...these small tasks can make a place look so much tidier but not invasive. It's not just your daughter's home it is also her partners home too and with you coming in and cleaning up, without being asked, could cause a lot of awkwardness. Do the basics and then ask if there is anything else they would like help with. A bit of babysitting whilst they have a break sounds great.

It’s different standards. I’m aware mine are a bit slobbish. Clean when I absolutely have to. Then go for it. But I am with Joan Rivers: ‘Housework is so boring, I do it and then six months later, I have to do it again,’

My DD has always been messy and rather lazy but she is an amazing mum yo our GS I think we all have different standards and it is not our place to judge. When I visit my DD I will go around picking stuff up whilst I tall to her, I will ask if she would like me to do anything and she says no sit down, I explain that I LOVE cleaning and it would be a pleasure to help. I suggest she takes her son for a nap or a walk to the park and I set to, both me and her MiL will always leave with a bag of washing! Neither of us judge her as she is good at what she can cope with and with ADHD is struggling with organising herself so a bit of help goes a long way.

When I did my teacher training in Lancaster, I stayed in a room in a house of a family of 4 - 2 adults, 2 children. The Mum worked full time as a teacher and her Mum would come once a week and did all the washing, tidied up, anything that needed doing and made a big stew for everyone. Her daughter greatly appreciated it!

I agree, an untidy house is not a priority; but the poster has said it is worse than just an untidy house. I assume then she means it is far from clean. Although the baby is happy and interacts well with the parents, the baby smells. If the baby is living in unhygienic surroundings and she smells, that is a priority. It does sound like the baby's Mum may be suffering from depression. I couldn't stand by and do nothing, I would have to have a gentle chat, to see if I could help the situation. Only the OP knows whether her daughter would appreciate this offer of help.

I have to say this could have been my mum posting about me but she wouldn't know how to and my youngest is 17 in a few days.
From my perspective, everyone took the opportunity during lockdown to clean their houses, re decorate, get into the gardens etc - my house never seems to have been messier! Myself, hubby and our 3 sons plus 1 girlfriend were all here and it was great, we have the space, live in the middle of nowhere so we're lucky to have outdoors too.... but and it is a big BUT... they all kept busy doing stuff outside - mechanics on quads, bikes, mowers etc and I just got depressed. The more housework needed doing the more I didn't do it.
It doesn't help I have cancer so am limited and am awaiting a major lung op, but I wish I just felt a bit more mojo to actually Hoover or dust or do the washing!
I'm getting better, pushing myself and everyone going back to work and the cleanliness lasting longer than 5 minutes has helped massively.
Maybe your daughter is a bit depressed - she has a 9month old and not got her mum near by, I'm guessing her partner was home/furloughed too and maybe she was digging her heels in with him too (if he wasn't helping)
I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread, I just thought it might help hearing it from someone who is battling the dreaded housework blues.
Talk to your daughter, little and often and I hope everything works out xx

Perhaps, if you have the room, your daughter and granddaughter could stay with you for a few days so you could spoil them both and give your daughter the break she seems to need.

You know your daughter, Anothergrannyb, and it's quite obvious that you're very worried about her, especially as she has a history of depression and self-neglect. Of course it's difficult to know how to help without alienating her, but this isn't just a matter of a busy mother happily prioritising her child over a pristine house, is it? I'd agree with those who suggest asking her if you can visit for a few days, then you'll have the chance to have a proper heart to heart with her and really see what's going on.

Best to stay out of it. I’m sure your daughter knows her house is not up to your standards. One of my daughters is the same and lives in a dreadful mess. Trying to help her clear up just makes her feel inadequate so I grin and bear it. You could offer to bathe the baby when you visit just to check it doesn’t have a bad nappy rash or something else worrying. But if it seems fine and is loved that’s the most important thing.

It’s a tricky one really, cos some people’s clean is another persons dirt, I think though I would notice if there was something wrong with my daughter by her mannerisms , tone, and body language, personally I think I would stand back from it, maybe having a few bad days, or just not bothered too much about it, you say your grandchild of 9 months smells, depending on what smell, dirty nappy or other smells

My mother was very houseproud but I hate housework. On one of her visits she made a point of telling me the had washed out my bread bin. I hadn't realised crumbs in the bread bin were a mortal sin. I felt I had been judged and found wanting! I think I am more like my grandma, her mother, whose mantra was "Enjoy your children, they grow up quickly, your house will still be there when they're gone"

my daughter lived a digusting mess years ago. She was just bone idle! Now years later her partner does some h/w but she would still rather do other things! DO NOT WORRY

I hate housework but my mum was very houseproud. My parents lived 3 hours away so a visit from them was always for about a week - so a big tidy up beforehand was always necessary! On one occasion after she had been pottering about the kitchen she made a point of telling me she had washed out my bread bin! I hadn't realised crumbs in the bread bin were a mortal sin. I think I take after my grandma, her mother, whose mantra was "Enjoy your children, they grow up and away. The house will still be there"

Anothergrannyb
There's more to life than having a spotless house. If the GC was happy then almost certainly your DD isn't depressed. I'm sure that children can sense when there's something wrong.

Even as a mother, you are a guest in your adult children's home. You have no input in how they run their home.

Adult children are way too old to be suggested to clean while baby is napping, or offering your help to clean unless it is requested by host or hostess.

It is infantilizing them and even though the mothers want to help, it may not come across the same way to the other party - for example, it may be interpreted "your house is dirty and needs to be cleaned asap"

It doesnt matter whether the adult children are depressed or not. It is not your house.

I would be offended if my mum had cleaned my house or even offered to clean it for me.
Depressed people don't clean thats true so it seems your DD's depression is returning as your instinct tells you. Now is the time to help with that - but not by barging in all guns blazing.
Can you remember what helped when she was a teenager and gently start something simple? Does she need to get out of the house for as break.
I e been depressed so know any criticising of her home will make her worse, much worse...... please ignore her mess and find something for her to do away from housework.
My home is the most untidy its ever been. I haven't got any desire to clean it, so I wipe everything with sanitiser and led e the rest.

Next time you are at her house, could you politely ask her if she'd like you to have a bit of a tidy up whilst the baby is asleep? If she says yes you can blitz the place - if she says no, well at least you've asked Have a secret supply of cleaning products in your car in case they are needed..................
I would worry about the baby smelling though I have to admit,

A bad smell on a small child is a red flag. Even if the house is messy it should be hygienic enough for a growing immune system.
Can you discuss with her other half. Can they do more? Has it just got on top of her and she’s not sure where to start?
If you have concerns I would start with other adult members of the household and ask what happened and what you can do to help?
If they hadn’t noticed or don’t care contact her health visitor.

My house is a tip. Difficult to do much in the day as I'm looking after and entertaining my son (learning disabled) and dh is working and on constant skype calls so haed to do mjch.. Im too tired in the evenings and ca t do mjch at weeke ds either.

Can I point out - as one who spent my childhood in a messy and dirty tip - that children might be happy with this when they are young but when they are a bit older and other children comment on their dirty clothes or their smell and they are too embarrassed to have friends home it’s a slightly different matter.