How can I acknowledge all my eldest grandson has achieved without making his younger brother feel left out?

My father in law caused major difficulties in the family by obviously prefering one of my sons.

In the end we had to cease family visits until the preferred child was old enough to visit on his own.

Be careful OP. The parents will want to what is best for both their childten

Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement?

This made me feel sad.

Of course there is something about the younger child that is worthy of acknowledgement. It’s really sad that the OP can’t see that.

Maybe my GC are too young (10yo and under) but I’ve never considered buying something for one sibling and not the other. I’ve not always given them the same thing but I’ve always, I hope, been fair.

Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement? Then you could give each of them a treat.

Well unless Mamma comes back and tells us what she meant we will never know but how it was worded sounded very much as if she preferred the personality of the elder child and the younger one was a bit more of a nuisance So my answer is still the same Do not treat them any differently If one gets a great report (obviously not at the moment) or saves his friend from drowning ?you give the necessary praise but if it’s just a matter of one being more loving or more kind best to keep it simple just a ‘that’s a nice thing to say (or to do)’ is fine You just cant give presents or heaps of praise for personality traits

You can't really reward the older boy and not acknowledge the other, you will end up creating ill feeling between the two boys and even in the family unit. You say that the 10 yr old has faced his own difficulties, during nt add to his problems by singling out his brother for reward.
Love them both for who they are, individual children finding their way in life.

I like to think that I’m helping to prepare my dgs for a better world - not the s**tshow that it is at the moment. I want to play my part in making them feel loved and valued. Treating a little 10 year old differently ( in a negative way) is no way (imo) to help bring up caring, loving human beings.

Absolutely agree DiscoD we should be preparing our children and grandchildren for real life.

mamma66, put yourself in the position of the younger boy who sees his older brother getting privileges or gifts which he's left out of. You say he's 'tricky'. Maybe being outshone by his brother makes him difficult!

I don't know that the OP is talking about actual treats or rewards in the form of presents. I read it that she wants to let the older boy know that she is appreciative of his kindness (or whatever), but not make more of him than she does of the younger one.

If that is the case, I think that praise for specific good deeds is probably fair, regardless of who is on the receiving end. You might find that you are having to look a it harder for things to praise in the case of the little one, but as you say, that is likely to change as he gets older.

Even if he doesn't become more like his brother, that doesn't make him less loveable, though - not everyone is demonstrably 'easy' to get along with, but they can be just as sincere and 'good' as those who are.

Please dont treat them differently ,all your GC should be equal in your eyes.Being left out or told he's not good enough to get what his brother gets will stick with him ,maybe for life.Its really important to build his self esteem especially if hes going through a tricky tme ,dont destroy it

I agree DiscoD. I reward my grandchildren (9 & 11) as and when it's deserved. Both of them understand it isn't a competition and don't expect to be treated identically.

GG65 is spot on.
When I write my grandchildren's birthday cards, I make a point of writing about a paragraph acknowledging all the amazing things they have achieved in that year and the qualities I love and admire most about them. As they get older, they love to see what I've written.

If I have any advice at all Mamma66 it would be to work at giving more attention to the 10 year old. That's where its needed.

I remember my MIL insisting on treating our children all the same, in the context of , give one of them a gift, give all of them a gift, all worth exactly the same. I said you can’t treat them all the same, because they’re not clones, they’re different people entirely. As long as they’re all treated fairly, when it’s applicable to them, and their turn, you shouldn’t worry imo. Reward the older boy now, and the younger one when it’s his turn. Otherwise I think there’s a danger of none of it being special, it’s what they expect.

Callistemon

I am left wondering just what the older boy has achieved?

Having a different personality?
That is nothing to do with achievement

"I'm the oldest child - I make the rules"
"I'm the middle child - I'm the reason there are rules"
"I'm the youngest child - the rules don't apply to me"

I too was wondering about the achievements of the older grandson.

At 12, he is too young to be sitting exams etc, so it does seem to be a difference in personality.

How can I praise the older boy, acknowledge what he has achieved and all the effort he continues to make but not make the younger boy feel left out?

By praising both boys?

I am left wondering just what the older boy has achieved?

Having a different personality?
That is nothing to do with achievement

"I'm the oldest child - I make the rules"
"I'm the middle child - I'm the reason there are rules"
"I'm the youngest child - the rules don't apply to me"

I read the OP to be something special for the older child due to his achievement, so I would give a more expensive gift to the older child but not leave out the younger child.

If the younger child had achieved something and not the elder one, then I would have reversed it.

But you can’t give a gift to one and not the other.

However, words of encouragement or a nice surprise, should always be given to those who try no matter what the end result.

No, no, no! Please don't make things worse for the 10 year old by treating the older one!
The younger one is the one needing to feel special if anything!!

Just don't do it.

As others have said, unless it is for a specific achievement, you can't do that.

This could cause the younger boy to become even more tricky.

Oopsadaisy4

We treat both of our GCs the same, one gets a treat the other gets something as well, maybe buy something special for the eldest and something smaller for the younger one.

I'm confused.
You say treat them the same, then you advise giving a smaller gift to the younger child.

I agree with those saying Mamma66 needs to respect the difficulties the younger child is having.
Perhaps he is aware that his brother is behaving more acceptably than he is, but is unable to do anything about it.

Good post GG65

You have described your older grandson as “the loveliest young man”, “kind” and an “absolute credit to his parents”.

You have described your younger grandson as “tricky”.

Is there anything positive about your younger grandson that you can acknowledge? That might be a starting point.

Personally, I think it may be the younger grandson who needs you to “encourage all he has achieved” rather than the older one. Your older grandson sounds as if he is doing just fine.

My Mother openly favoured my oldest son, to the point of ignoring completely the younger children.
She then wondered why the younger two hardly visited her when they grew up.
Please treat them both the same, anyway at 13 you still have the wonderful teenage years to come and things could turn around.

Just praise the boys and their cousins in an equal way, no 13 year old would want you to go over the top anyway - how embarrassing! If you are talking in monetary terms be very careful as you could upset the parents as well if you differentiate too much.

As a grandparent,you should be able to offer opportunities for all your dgc to achieve -baking, craft work, playing a game, helping with a task around the house. Poor little lamb - only 10

Oopsadaisy4,you are spot on.