How can I acknowledge all my eldest grandson has achieved without making his younger brother feel left out?

Be very careful how you approach this. I have 2 boys and the first born was favoured by his father and my mother and my mother didn't hide the fact that he was her favourite. At the age of 8 my youngest said "why does nana X like him more than me?" How do you answer that or try to make up for it without being accused of playing favourites yourself. I found this extremely upsetting.

Exactly what I said earlier! Everyone is so set on there being a favourite with the OP, but I just don’t see it ?.

Quite agree N&G I dislike the idea of children feeling entitled to get something just because another child does.
I knew someone who measured the drinks in her children's glasses to ensure they both had the same amount, they had to have the same food on their plates etc. Ridiculous.

We started how we meant to continue with our 4 grandchildren . They do not all get something if one is getting something for a special reason BUT they do all get something over time if you see what I mean.

We have created an understanding that each is treated as an individual not a ‘pack’ of grandchildren ?. So there is now no expectation because A received something that B,C or D will get something at that particular time.

We do praise individually if it’s warranted and no one takes offence because they know when they do something excellent it will be there turn.

Not much help to the OP I know because this is what we have always done but I do feel if the eldest child deserves praise he should get it. The younger child can be praised when he does something too.

I made a fatal error yesterday when meeting my DD and DGC for lunch completely forgetting myself I hugged the older one as she surprised me when I got out of the car! She instantly turned round and said to the younger one “see I told you I was nanny’s favourite “ I spent most of the the lunchtime reassuring the younger one I loved her equally as much (which I do) as the older one and not to take any notice of her sister! I agree if one has had achievements at school it is not wrong to reward that as a GP as long as the other child knows they will get the same when their turn comes around. My eldest DGD had 8 distinctions in her latest exams so I gave her a monetary reward for studying so hard. The next day I bought the younger one a new pair of trainers she wanted/needed. Both happy - result! You can always find something praiseworthy to spoil your younger DGS with so he doesn’t feel left out and second place to his brother.

....you can surely find something positive/good about the youngest

My two grandkids are a boy 13 and a girl of 8...... I was alone with eldest for five years and our relationship is wonderful . The little one is a totally different personality .... but I love her to bits anyway.... although she can be a trial. I like a challenge and she gives me one. Both get the same for birthdays / christmas’s, and both get told how much I love them .... which is no lie. I suppose because the older she gets the more like me she gets.... it’s irresistable to see yourself re-born. Doesn’t matter how I feel about them at any time in their little lives, they will always get same praise and same rewards.

Where is that research, icanhandthemback?
Most parents are careful not to treat their children differently, but most parents do have favourite children, even if they would not admit it openly.
And in my experience, a favourite child does feel secure and loved in a way that sets them up for life.

There are loads of things that you can find to praise even the "trickiest" of children. Even when they have done something incredibly naughty you can encourage them to make things right and give lots of praise for that.
My mother was totally and absolutely besotted with my eldest to the exclusion of all her other grandchildren and we are still picking up the pieces. The other grandchildren were hurt but bounced. The one she favoured struggles with her relationship with them, has no respect for my mother, felt marginalised by me because I was always trying to redress the balance and has struggled to live her own life without resorting to going to my mother to rescue her with handouts.
There is good research to show that it is the favoured who suffer the most so don't inflict that on a grandchild if you love them.

Surely, you can find something to praise in the younger child, too?

I have never known a child, and I have taught hundreds, who didn't have some good or kind trait or one subject he or she was good at and could be praise for.

Please find reasons to praise the younger child, or stop praising the elder.

Well thats very simple - encourage them both and nobody will feel left out....

I do agree with Bluebell your post comes across that you favour the eldest. I’d tread carefully if I was you. Lots of good advise already given, if it was my GC I wouldn’t do it personally.

Mamma 66,I know how you feel, I have two lovely Grandsons, the eldest is starting University and gets a lot of praise from everyone,his younger brother has been unfortunate he was ill last term and didnt pass his exams as was hoped,I feel so sorry for him when we are all together and everyone is talking about Uni with the older boy, I feel the younger one, 18 years old, must feel a bit left out but wouldnt show it, I make sure I praise him too for his acheivements,I treat them equily,I wish others did.

Can you not praise both of them ?
So the eldest is growing into a lovely young man - the younger may never be the same.
They are different boys, with different personalities and they both need to feel loved.
I really don't understand why the younger should miss out because he is not, at this moment, conforming to your ideal.

The OP has explained that she does not favour one boy over the other (see her post a few above this one).

She has also said that it is the older boy who is on the Autistic spectrum, which maybe makes his achievements slightly different from usual, which creates a situation where he needs praise for things that would be ‘normal’ for her other grandchildren.

It’s difficult. I have been in family situations where one child has needed encouragement just to stay still for longer enough to eat, to not jump on the furniture etc. When there are other, younger ones there they can think it’s not fair that X gets praise for things that they do (or don’t do) as a matter of course, but go unremarked.

Praise wisely both boys as appropriate. There is lots of evidence that praise e.g. for exam success is less useful than praise for effort, for sticking with a challenge however it came out in the end. Praise for process more than outcomes - even if they pass lots of exams, the day will come when they fail. So its better to know that failing an exam doesn't mean being a failure and that effort and commitment are what you recognise and praise.So the boy facing challenges will also benefit a lot from this approach - so, for instance, he has not failed anything, but hasn't passed yet.There is a good TED talk (not very long) which says more about this and will help with both boys.https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve

I think the younger GS could be a splendid challenge for you. Why not devote more time and energy in trying to resolve his tricky situation? Get closer to him in a gradual way. He maybe needs a bit more of your tlc as well as that he is receiving from other sources. My GC are so different to me, I find it remarkable. Yep, sometimes tricky but mostly an absolute joy.

You clearly have a ‘favourite’ grandson, and no doubt the younger boy knows this. I think you’ve got to handle this very carefully, otherwise there will be a lot of jealousy between the boys.

You should be able to find something praiseworthy in both boys.

Do not make a favourite of the older child I want to say but it sounds as if you have already done that. My mother favoured by middle sister and my younger sister and I never forgot it. Favouritism is so wrong. A few words of encouragement to the younger boy would not go amiss.

Mamma66 you may want to do some research into how siblings of children on the autistic spectrum behave and the challenges and problems they face. You may find some of the behaviour the 10 year old is exhibiting is quite common. Sometimes a family is so worried about the child with the disability (and that's quite understandable) the other children just manage on their own. It's quite a new field but there is some research on it. It's great the older boy has done so well. Hope you find the younger one responds well to your efforts.

I wasn’t actually talking about a gift. I am always scrupulously down the middle with all my lovely grandchildren and would like to say I don’t favour any of them, just that I appreciate their different qualities and personalities.

The oldest boy is on the autistic spectrum. We so worried for him when younger but has come on in leaps and bounds. He has actually remained in main stream education against the expectations.

Your responses have made me realise that I can praise him for all he has achieved- as much of his progress is down to him. What I need to do is make sure I find something to focus on and support for the younger one.

Hand on heart I love them all, equally but in different ways

Ps I can’t see any evidence in the OP’s post, that she favours the older child.

This thread has actually reminded me of someone I knew years ago, when our children were babies/ very young. Her dad made a ‘ snowman’, which came out every Christmas. There would be presents in it for the grandchildren, or so she thought. They weren’t the main presents, but just little extras for when they visited over the Christmas period. This girl had a sister she didn’t get on with, and therefore, never saw her children. However, they expected to find presents in the snowman for her sister’s children, because they were also grandchildren, and my friend’s children understood this. The problem came one year, when there were other presents in there, at the same time as her children’s. They were apparently for the neighbours children! This completely spoilt the entire experience for my friend’s children, as they just felt on parr with some kids up the road, no longer special. I don’t know what happened after that, as the family moved, and I didn’t see her again, 30 years now, but I still remember it. It was taking ‘ treating everyone the same’ to the extreme.

GG65

*Surely there must be something about the younger child that’s worthy of acknowledgement?*

This made me feel sad.

Of course there is something about the younger child that is worthy of acknowledgement. It’s really sad that the OP can’t see that.

Yes, me too. The OP clearly has a favourite.