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Grandparenting

It's all your fault!

(14 Posts)
Grand2 Tue 08-Sep-20 17:33:02

My first post.
I've found this forum and thankful for it's timing as I could use grandparents and parent advice.

My daughter and two grandchildren came for "summer vacation" and to my surprise arrived with a trailor and she said she is staying.

She's left her husband for cheating on her plus physical and emotional abuse. Everything "Is all her fault."

Any military folks? Son in law came back from Afghanistan "not right." She blames PTSD but he has a history of infidelity, blaming others for everything this was his fourth tour - no combat.

Does this become the acceptable excuse for everything? He has a desk job, no combat.
That's one.

Two.
My daughter had an affair while he was deployed and the man moved in. My SIL was tolerant of it because, it turns out he was sleeping with the wife. My daughter went so far as to dye her daughter's hair the same color as the man's daughter and had them say "Sister." It's all incredibly confusing and my heart aches.

But my grandson, he was older, 8 years, and went from a sweet boy to an angry, explosive
child. He began breaking things, refusing to obey, trashing his bedroom. School put him in a self contained class because of his anger issues.

I've caught him hurting my dog. His language is horrid and he's only 12. Now that they are here full time the dysfunction is unimaginable.
My daughter had a breakdown and went to a rural area and began firing a gun. Police found her screaming, laying on the ground uninjured but they put her in a mental facility for 14 days.

The whole time she was gone, the father is out of state, my grandson blossomed. He became tender, laughing, and not once asked about his parents. So is it the parents?
Is it normal for a child to not care about his parents?

My daughter said my son in law blames ME for the hospitalization because just before it, he and I had a fight.

She calls and texts this man daily "because he's the father of my children."

I suspect some abnormal relationship lies between them but my main concern is my grandson and his wellness.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks all for listening.

Toadinthehole Tue 08-Sep-20 18:09:46

There’s a lot to unravel here, and you probably all need professional help. Your grandchildren are undoubtedly affected by it all, but it’s good to hear they are much calmer away from their parents. Now your daughter is home with you, maybe you could slowly start to mend things. Do you have support yourself? Husband, partner? I couldn’t quite work out who the father of the children is. Is it her husband, or the other man’s? You could try Social Services’s, Citizens Advice for help. Whatever you do, I think it’ll take a while, and some patience. Your daughter is lucky to have you.💐

coastiepostie Tue 08-Sep-20 18:10:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toadinthehole Tue 08-Sep-20 18:11:40

As an afterthought, there are many people on here who have suffered greatly at the hands of their parents, and may be in a better position to advise you.

welbeck Tue 08-Sep-20 18:32:55

so, it sounds like the boy is overwhelmed by his parents' dysfunctional behaviour.
is there any way he could live elsewhere, other relatives or fostering.
he needs help, else he could end up in trouble with a police record.
does the school have a counsellor or psychologist who could advise, or could you ask children's services for help.

smoothie Tue 08-Sep-20 18:39:09

Oh my word, what a terrible situation. To answer simply, yes I do think it’s because of your grandsons parents. Your daughter is clearly not well, worse than not well, that and his dad being gone along with all else has all impacted his life and emotional state. At the beginning of your post I thought how rude it was for your daughter to just show up with all her belongings like that, but thank heavens that she did, your grandson needed you desperately.

I’m sure you know but don’t let him alone with the dog, give the dog some extra love too after being hurt intentionally (even in a minor way) and having everyone move in your dog may be confused and lonely (can you tell that I love dogs grin )

Don’t have much time to write but I wanted to express my sympathy, you have had a lot dumped on your plate suddenly. None of this sounds even remotely easy, you must be a very strong woman to have weathered this storm and still be standing tall for your grandson.

I suggest that you find out if you have any legal options, whether that is asking your daughter for temporary guardianship of your grandson, or petitioning the court for it because your daughter, at this time, should not be around her son. She needs time to work on herself with a professional. Also, can you get your grandson to a counselor? He desperately needs it, he has to have some outlet with a professional, he is suffering the most from this chaotic mess. He needs your stability and guidance right now, please get him into whatever services you can, now may be the only chance he will have for an adult to truly help him with all his trauma.

I’ll have you in my thoughts, I can’t remember if I said everything I wanted to say, I hope this all will suffice! Also, so sorry for your daughter also, I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now. Remember to do some self care for you, you need to be as well as possible for your grandson right now! You are amazing!! Good luck flowers

Starblaze Tue 08-Sep-20 18:45:06

I really think you needed professional advice on this one. None of this is ok

welbeck Tue 08-Sep-20 18:56:41

when your daughter was detained in the mental hospital, was there no social worker assessment as to her home situation; was she just allowed to go home, with two young children in her care.
was this deemed safe, given her erratic behaviour re firearms.
does she and children live in the trailer or in your house.
i think you need to report all this to social services pronto.

BlueBelle Tue 08-Sep-20 20:17:05

Presuming you are in America ? And maybe the authorities and help is different than here
Get professional help there is too much going on for you to sort out and certainly for us to advice in my opinion

Madgran77 Wed 09-Sep-20 05:51:53

You need to get professional advice. None of what you describe is normal and your grandchild/children are the absolute priority

sodapop Wed 09-Sep-20 07:50:19

So sorry to hear of your problems Grand2 I agree with Madgran and others. Your family needs professional help and your grandchildren need protecting. I hope you can find the support you need.

Grand2 Thu 10-Sep-20 02:00:25

Heartfelt thank you.

Grand2 Tue 15-Sep-20 04:07:36

When she was released, her husband flew into town and she was released to his care.
(There is only so much we can do). At first she had plans to try outpatient sessions but after four days with her husband she was back to screaming, she was fine it's all HIS fault. Sabotager.

Grand2 Tue 15-Sep-20 04:10:04

Thank you.
I'm in the US. As long as the children have a reliable safe environment, authorities will not intervene in child care. They cannot force an adult to seek treatment.