Worried about Granddaughter

I can appreciate your worry. It seems unusual for 'homesickness' to kick in 2 years after a move and in quite a young child who is with her immediate family. But maybe she is just being a bit grumpy ..kids go through phases.. and just does not want to Facetime.
I know sometimes DGCs would prefer to be at home than with me for chidcare especially now they are older. Once my DGS1 shouted crossly ' I bet Nana will take me to the theatre or a museum!" ??? Sometimes grandparents just aren't top of a child's list of exciting things to do! I don't take it personally....

p.s. my DGS1 always ends up having a goodtime!

When my son emigrated to Canada I looked forward to phone calls, but could not ‘do’ facetime at all. Far too upsetting. I never wanted him to see the sadness on my face or tears in my eyes and it was a struggle to look cheerful.
Now my daughter has left to live in France (was it something I said. Haha), we do facetime and I am usually ok with that. However, the other day on facetime and, quite out of the blue, my 6 year old grandson said “I do miss you nanny. When are you coming to see me”. Had me in bits for a while I can tell you.
What I am getting to is the fact that the OP’s son is probably right about facetime which just underlines the distance between them. Hopefully, he will change his mind about letters and cards.

I can understand that sometimes facetime and similar can actually be quite distressing. At the beginning of lockdown, my adult children arranged a family zoom meeting, mainly for me. I burst into tears as I went into, seeing them all there, and - somehow, it only emphasised to me how different things were. I would never repeat it.
Do use zoom for lectures and meetings, but not for family. prefer to talk to them either on the phone or to receive letters.
Obviously, anything you do should be with the knowledge and permission of her parents.
Ask them if it would be okay to send letters by post and even small gifts - do remember to also include the younger child in these.
Children of 6yrs upwards are having a very difficult time - the whole world, which adults should be in charge of has collapsed - and many of them are very, very frightened and scared of anything happening to their parents.
So, take it slowly and carefully - and always with the full knowledge and permission of parents - and hopefully, things will get a little better soon.

I agree with those who say to wait it out. Grandparents are not entitled, and the parents are most likely working towards the best solution. That may be , that your little granddaughter does need more time on FT with you, not less, but it is for the parents to decide. Just be patient if you can.

Grannythree I haven't read all the comments yet.
I would have thought more FT, not less, would perhaps do the trick if she's missing you so much. A nightly story time together, she would look forward to that all day. Letters would still be a lovely thing for her to look forward to as well. Getting your GD to forget you is not the way in my book.

I remember when we moved to Holland, my daughter who was 4yrs old, became ill. When we took her to the doctors she seemed to perk up and nothing was found to be round. She would lie on the settee and not play with her toys. I was so worried my sister flew out from UK to help. Only later, looking back, the penny dropped that she was homesick, as she was very close to her nanny & granddad. No FT then or anything like it.

Hope you get to work it out. xx

no i cannot agree with the above post.
the parents have the rights over their minor children, and it is their decision who how is in touch with them, or not.
the present situation does sounds hard, and there may be more to it. i hope you are allowed to write to yr GD.

You don't need anyone's permission to write to your grand-daughter or to send her presents. This is about YOUR relationship with HER, not anyone else's. I know it is difficult but you have a right to a relationship independent of any with your son or daughter-in-law. Of course they can make it difficult for you both , but I suspect that they won't.

Poor child, she will be promising to try not to cry after speaking to her Granny and holding it all in.

I wonder if you could talk to your DS again about this, Grannythree?

It is sad and regrettable your S and DIL have made such a decision.

My lovely GS' as little boys cried for days when they left me to go home 300 miles away. My D understood and encouraged them to telephone and talk to me as much as they liked, and within a few days they would settle to life at home until the next time.

Your dear little GD will feel she is being punished for missing her grandparents - how cruel.

Wasn't that the reasoning behind parents not being able to visit children in hospital back in the day because the children were upset after seeing the parents so it was thought that if they didn't see them often they would be upset less.
Yes, I think it was oodles and it seems a very old-fashioned view now.

It may be that your DGD does get upset after you've had a Facetime chat and they have to spend time calming her and reassuring her. However, I think it would be better to stay in contact rather than have her thinking you've forgotten her.
Have you been upbeat and positive when you've chatted to her or has she sensed that you feel unhappy too?

I wonder if something else is going on here as they've been there for two years already without a problem. Has she changed schools? Is she being bullied at school?

I would post little notelets, chatty news and perhaps little gifts to cheer her up, and to the younger child too.

How do children learn resilience if they don't learn to face difficult moments. Unless you are talking about how much you miss them, how difficult it is, etc., I can't see how not talking will help. Support to cope with the difficulty would be much more suitable.

It seems a harsh response by DS and makes me wonder if it’s for the parents’ benefit rather than GD. I’ve been told by my daughter that the modern way is to help the children express how they feel, acknowledge they’re upset and help them cope with their emotions not suppress them. For example, if GD is upset after FaceTime with you the parents help her put it into words and assure her it’s ok, that this feeling will pass and in the meantime she can turn to them for comfort. I think that’s healthier than cutting off contact but does put emotional pressure on parents too.
I live away from GC and love sending postcards and little gifts. I hope you’re allowed to do that, surely it’s good for GD to know you care no matter what.

There could be something else that is affecting your 7 y.o. gd and the facetime is exacerbating it.

Pandemic here in the US is getting worse and the way it is managed, I don't see the way out anytime soon.

Maybe your gd has issues with how school is going, unable to play with friends locally, etc.

Follow the parents' lead and support them. They are also going through a hard time as well, not just your gd.

That’s very hard for you - and GD - if your son is right I hope he is making sure GD knows it is they who are making her avoid FTime rather than you now wanting the contact........

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

As I said I don't have an option to send by post sadly . Hard to keep in touch this end .

I agree fully with oodles. I'd certainly send things by post; perhaps this is all that you can do in this situation, at the present time. I do hope that you are soon able to FaceTime again with your DGD.

It’s difficult, but you have to go along with their wishes for now. They are the parents, and most likely trying lots of different ways to deal with it.

Stick with your idea of gifts and letters. There's nothing quite like a surprise to cheer someone up.

Something rather odd about this situation. Are the parents not telling you the whole story? Are there other issues which they do not want you to know about? From this distance there is not a lot you can do except to continue contact with the parents and hope that they will eventually be more forthcoming. What a desperately worrying time for you, as if we didn't have enough to cope with already.

I think the parents are being mean.

Sorry, but I just think that sounds peculiar! How can keeping her away from FaceTime help her? Perhaps it is your son and DIL who are afraid of the emotion engendered. Are they getting some advice regarding her issues with 'settling'? Seven is the age at which children start to be able to ponder wider issues, and perhaps she is a particularly sensitive child. I would be consulting a professional is the distress levels are high. Hope things improve.

Your story strikes a chord with me. My DS and DIL and 2 DGDs moved to the Middle East for work last year . Before they went the girls , aged 5 and 7 saw some fairy postcards on my ipad. I have a box of them .They loved them so I promised to send them postcards to let them know I was thinking about them . However where they live they not do home delivery post and but can get a PO box number . After messaging DS and DIL a fewtimes asking if they could let me know an address to send the cards , they said they weren't getting one as not needed, everything on email . They got an email for the older DGD So I have taken photos of 2 fairy cards , one each with a little message to keepin touch every month . But they have not encourage the girls to reply . We zoomed a few time and I asked if they liked the postcards . And maybe they could write a little note back to me but my DIL said .. Oh they are very busy with homeschooling and don't have the time .
I still send them and have got used to how it is but I was pretty gutted as I have written letters all my life and kept in touch with friendly postcards to friends , not from exotic places , just from home . It is so lovely to get a personal card or letter .It's hard but it is as it is and we are glad they are liking their new home abroad . No chance of a visit now in the near future but we are very fortunate compared to some I know

It must be heartbreaking grannythree, I’m also in the camp that if your granddaughter is upset then whether she has contact with you or not then upset she will be. I also agree you must abide by her parents wishes. Leave it a few days and ask if there’s anything you can do to help with what must be a difficult situation for them. I imagine your son and daughter in law are having some difficult feelings of their own. Like trisher I’m wondering what else is going on, it is perhaps easier to explain being miserable as missing you than talk about the real cause - what she is really struggling with in life. It’s hard I know but try to stay quiet for now and then gently resume contact with the adults, checking on a good time for a chat with them. Let us know how it goes, wishing you well.

I don't understand how you not speaking to her will make her more settled or happier. It may of course mean she manages to be less upset but just because you don't see her unhappiness doesn't mean it has gone away. I think I would have found this easier to accept if it had happened in the first few weeks after they left, but 2 years seems an awful long time for things to be OK and then go wrong.
That said I'm not sure you can do anything about this. Her parents are the ones in control. Don't do anything to upset them. It might be a good idea to contact your son and say you are happy to go along with his rules but would it be possible for him to send you updates and photos, and could you send things to her through him, so he is happy and you know she is. If you do write to her keep everything light hearted and happy and don't keep saying you miss her. I would also drop big hints to your DS about her school and is she happy there? It may be that she has transfered her worries from one part of her life to another. Good luck and hope things are better soon.