Should I mention this ? (Rather than giving advise)

I agree with farmor.

Still very worrisome

Baby led weaning is the present trend. You give the baby anything - eg corn on the cob and let them get on with it! That's how 2 of my grandchildren were weaned. Having said that my daughter would always cut grapes in half as they started to have them with yoghurt etc. This was due to her fear they might get one stuck in windpipe. Now we don't know how hot that chilli was now do we?! It could in fairness be a mild chilli to suit all the family out of a baby book. This is certainly what would happen with my two! Now the nuts scenario - well on that one I would carefully research online to see if dangerous/recommended or not. Print off what you find if negative and pass to both parents when you are with them. Just make it clear how worried you are. You have a right - you're the granny. There is nothing in the situation that is blatant child abuse in my view. Does not even come close.

Bedtimes - I think you should say nothing although I do agree with you.

Nuts - this sounds very dangerous and I think it might be wise to say something to your son.

Chilli - I wouldn't feed a child hot chilli although I admit I gave my children mild chilli from a young age and they used to lap it up.

ring the child protection agencies and ask for advice anonymously.
they may be able to see a way to help.

it wouldn't be minor if he choked. and the other stuff sounds like cruelty, also not minor.
can you send your son that link above, from Luckygirl.
what job does your son do.

Can you suggest to them that he has a little peanut butter spread on bread or toast instead?

The chilli pot meal for a small child is very worrying too.

Do they not cook proper meals?

Oh my goodness, this sounds so awful OP. Please don’t take it to the authorities in the first instance though. It could irreparably damage your relationships. Definitely talk to them, and then say you’ll take it further if they don’t listen. I don’t know how you could monitor it though, without actually living with them. Talking to your grandson’s nursery is a good idea. You would have someone else looking out for him, and they could take the next step without you being implicated. Hope it all goes well for you.

I am so sorry that you have this worry. I am not sure that anything you say will change things - it sounds as though they will just take no notice.

Personally I think you should alert someone to these problems; but I also understand how hard it is for you to do this.

The food thing is bad enough; but the controlling aspect of some of their other behaviour is very worrying.

"He can chew"!!! - dear me. It is about the relative size of the solid nuts and the child's throat.

www2.hse.ie/wellbeing/child-health/choking-strangulation-and-suffocation-in-babies-and-children/food-choking-risks-for-babies-and-children.html#:~:text=Nuts%20and%20seeds,should%20be%20crushed%20or%20ground.

This is a link to the Health and Safety Executive advice. It is very specific about nuts: Do not give whole nuts to children under the age of 5 because they may choke. Nuts and seeds should be crushed or ground. Spread nut butter spreads evenly and not too thickly.

Thanks for your messages & I did talk to my son who agreed with his wife. “It’s ok mum, he can chew. “
Reporting them to any service would have me estranged from grandson & both parents. And any child protection service would see it as minor & maybe record it but they wouldn’t take action.
I don’t have contact with his daycare & they will be moving in next 4 weeks & he’ll start at new centre.
I didn’t sleep well last night.

InOzMil you say they love your grandson, but the parents' behaviour you describe is far from "loving."
This little boy is being emotionally abused and is also at physical risk.
Someone (you) needs to speak up for him. Go with your gut feeling.

this is serious, not like concerns about differing methods.
this could be harmful.
i think you have to contact some child protection agencies.

The nuts issue is very dangerous indeed. What can they be thinking of?

And the other concerns are about complete lack of sensitivity to the point where it is quite abusive. It would seem that they find themselves unable to get inside the heads of a child and understand their limitations. There is also a chilling sense of a power trip here.

I truly feel for you and cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you.

Farmor, I think you have hit the nail on the head.

I wonder are cultural differences behind some of the behaviour of mother? OP mentions her parents live overseas. In some Asian countries, childrearing practices are very different, and to Western eyes, cruel. My husband is from India and I’ve seen how his nieces and nephews were fed- to me it looked like force- feeding, though I didn’t notice whole nuts. Also, children were often teased unmercifully by adults with no notice taken of the fact they weren’t enjoying it. And they stayed up very late, until they fell asleep on a chair- “bedtime” didn’t exist.

This doesn’t excuse the behaviour of the parents of OP’s grandson, but might explain it, especially if they don’t socialize with other parents.

Not sure if this helps, suggestions of other posters may be more useful!

Did you say she’s a nurse!!!!!! Surely she should have common sense.

I'm a bit concerned that dil is a nurse and doesn't understand the choking risks associated with nuts. My dgs loves spicy food and enjoys curry and chili but it doesn't sound like your wee one does. Oh, I feel for you. Its a very sensitive situation.

This sounds like child abuse and quite malicious. Most parents can understand struggling to maintain control at times but this is deliberate and ongoing.

You do need to step up as this little boy is at risk of serious physical and psychological damage.

Thanks Hetty58 for the link. I had a quick read and it seems the legal framework is very similar to Eurpean countries in that the welfare of the child is central. I hope the OP finds it useful.

InOzMil - like everyone else, I share the concerns you express for your grandson. The idea of force feeding a bottle horrifies me, and the idea of feeding a child anything that causes him to smack his own face - awful. If you were in the Uk I'd be suggesting you speak with his health visitor or the local children and families team, or even the NSPCC on a confidential, advice basis. Here, even with austerity he should have had an 18 month check and should be known to a health visitor. You don't say if he's meeting developmental milestones, or whether he's generally a contented happy toddler who is relaxed and happy to seek cuddles and reassurance from his parents. If he is, then something is going right.
I don't know if the nursery would be prepared to listen to you without informing the parents of your call. It's probably a pay day nursery and their relationship will be with the parents, with confidentiality a big part of that. Is there any way you can talk with your son, in a quiet way. If not, that's a bit of a red flag.
Hope you can support your little grandson and manage that without falling out with his parents. It sounds a bit as though you're treading egg shells.

I have two little grandchildren, 4 years and 11 months , I’d be absolutely mortified if they were treated in similar way . No way does one give hot chilli to small child , and certainly not nuts either, definite choking hazard , goodness knows what they given the poor child when your not there ....? I’d have to speak up , please or offend , because no way would I accept my grandchildren being treated in their manner .

It was Callistemon's idea .

I would probably fight shy of reporting them to the authorities, particularly as a first step. If my MIL had disapproved of something I did, and called Social Services, I would never have forgiven her.

It may well be that the concerns are valid, but if they can be dealt with without a scorched earth approach, I think it would be a lot better for the family all round.

www.loc.gov/law/help/child-protection-law/australia.php

If they are both arrogant, I feel that talking directly to them would be useless. Doodledog's idea of approaching the nursery is good. There are various agencies (depending on region) responsible for child protection. The relevant one should be made aware:

I like the idea of asking the nursery to intervene. I would worry that saying something might result in having contact with your grandson reduced, which as well as being upsetting for you could be counter-productive.

On daycare days now, he's there at 7.30-8.00am & missing out on hours of sleep before he gets there.
When my DGS was at daycare in Australia they had little camp beds and the younger ones were supposed to have a sleep in the afternoon so perhaps that's why he doesn't go to bed until late