Speak up or shut up!

I would leave it as long as possible, certainly while in lockdown etc. We don’t have the capacity to sort things out at the moment, as we usually would, and could make it worse. I remember once, having an argument with my husband before he went away, ( for work). We could have tried to talk in ‘bits’, when he phoned during the week, but I preferred to just leave it until he was back, and we could talk properly, and sort it for good. If your granddaughter persists, repeat how much you love her, and how you’d love to see her properly when all this is over. I’m just worried you could get dragged into a further mess. Ultimately, your daughter should be dealing with her. You say yourself, that social distancing has helped to smooth it over. Let it get a bit smoother?

Kids like to push the boundaries a bit sometimes. I would say something like "Yes. I was upset by what you said, but I've forgotten about it now. So let's both forget about it, shall we?" And change the subject.

Aepgirl :I think you have hit the nail on the head, sadly

Try saying "Of course I remember, how can I forget because you upset me very much but let's put it behind us now and be kind to each other." She had to learn that words can hurt, she's old enough to know what she's doing.

It’s best not to react to this rude and I’ll-disciplined child. She sounds thoroughly spoilt to me, and will probably never change.

Phoenix and BS46, very profound and moving. Thanks I'll try to tuck your sagacity into the recesses of my mind lest I'm ever in that rotten situation.

If I was going to say anything, I might say something like, "Yes, I do remember it because I was very hurt at the time but I have decided to put it behind me. However, if you want to talk about how you felt, I am ready to listen." Let her say what she wants to say, then if it is contentious and you can't discuss it without an argument, pass it off with a, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it looks like we'll have to agree to differ." You never know, if you listen with an open mind, you might find that she reacted the way she did because of something you did which she was hurt about. If that is the case, you can ask her what she thinks would be a better way to resolve things without an argument. I have found that with my grandaughter who has behavioural problems, that when we get to the bottom of why she reacted as she did, we can work out a strategy of how to avoid the argue in the first place. I see it as a way for her to learn how to negotiate her way through difficult relationships throughout life.

I am sure every child in the world has said something they should not have at some time. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill me thinks. Best forgotten.

Sounds like a child truing to provoke another reaction. I'd ignore these attempts and change the subject

I'm with phoenix on this.

Just those two questions and then Listen, listen, listen to what the child says.

Make your choices from the Information you are given by your DGD in answer to those two questions.

Please Don't make your choices going forward using

The dialogue that's in your head

What has been said by others.

What has been said in the past.

What is in your head will most likely be driven by the hurt you have felt and may still be feeling.

That is sad but dealing with this from a Feeling position won't help.

Get into Thinking you'll Feel better and will have more control in the situation.

If you need to buy yourself "Thinking" time when your DGD has given you any answer you can use "that's interesting" as a holding statement.

Even if your DGD fudges/avoids an answer there is 'Information" in that.

May be she feels sorry, shamed, powerful, powerful - that she can bring about disruption - children don't often feel powerful.

May be she was "parroting" what had been said to her when she spoke to you the way she did.

Asking her about her behaviour "what do you think of the situation Now" is massive.

But most of all Be Gentle with you, your DGD and your DD. Don't force things, life is difficult enough and whatever the rights and wrongs, the should and oughts of the situation you still have a relationship with your family.

That's important, good luck.

Id say "yes we did but weve made up now so dont need to go over it again im sure" - if her mum has made up with you then she has probably taken your GD to task over it already, which is why she is quick to dismiss it.Hopefully.

The child - and she is but a child - clearly needs to clear the air with you. Don't make it hard for her. Just reassure her that you will always love her - that's what you are for ! Encourage her not to hang on to anger and resentments in life - bad for the psyche for evermore. You're an adult. She's not. Help her to grow up to be a wholesome loving person. We lead by example even more than by what we do or don't say so be sure to set a good example - and that means being loving and supportive, not childish.

If the child herself mentions it to you, I think I would say,
"Yes, I do remember that, and I remember being very hurt by what you said to me." Then leave it there.

If the girl needs to continue discussing it with you and is apologetic then talk to her about it. If she is still as rude, tell her it does no good talking about it, as you and she will probably never agree about this.

Then talk of something else, and don't let yourself be dragged into another discussion of the row.

I would say " why do you keep mentioning that? Does it worry you?" And see what she says.
If she says it doesn't then dismiss it by saying " well then let's forget about it now shall we"
If she talks about it have a gentle conversation about what happened which still ends with the same phrase!

I spent a lot of time in Germany and there was a saying there "The clever one gives in". Thought of that many times.

These are the things eight year old girls pick up from school 'friends' and bitchy remarks in TV programmes and on the Internet. Sounds like she is playing games with you, clever psychological games at that! Like when siblings wind each other up with cruel and hurtful remarks. Maybe she enjoys seeing the power she has. It is all part of living, learning and hopefully one day, learning how to love. By all means tell her that her remark was hurtful and that it doesn't mean you don't love her any less. These are the things eight year old girls pick up from school 'friends' and bitchy remarks in TV programmes and on the Internet. Her Mum needs to be aware of what is going on as I think this needs addressing early on, maybe she doesn't know how to handle it? BTW one of my nieces was an absolute * to all the females in the family at one point, she's nice as pie now, we all just ignored it and set a better example. Now she wants to be part of the 'girls-all friends-together' gang

It sounds to me at first sight that the GD might be wondering if not seeing you so much is her fault because of what she said. I know she's old enough, a bit, to understand about the pandemic but we can all feel irrational guilt.

I think acknowledging her comment, as grandmabatty and lemongrove suggest is the best way forward.

I agree with the other posts , just say “ we’ve moved on from that haven’t we “ with a smile and change the subject completely.

My 10 year old GD is occasionally rude or dismissive with me but I just ignore it. They're just flexing their muscles and the more you make of it the more likely it is to happen again.

I would leave it, especially at the moment. But another time, when doing something quiet with your GD, just drift the conversation around to being kind and thoughtful to other people.

Just let it go Granjenny - all the best !!

I think moving on is best. Clearly it is preying on your dgd's mind as she keeps bringing it up or she is deliberately trying to bring it up to restart the argument. Either way by firmly saying, "we've moved on," is probably the best way.

I think you handled it very well Granjenny by saying "oh we've moved on from then, these things happen" and if she mentions it again, I'd say the same thing.

Make light of it if she brings up the subject again, she may feel that you don’t like/love her as much after what happened and it could be her way of finding out how you feel?
Of course you were upset, who wouldn’t be, but I would say something along the lines of ‘I think you must have been in a very grumpy mood then, but we won’t worry about it’.
We can’t give bad verbal behaviour the green light, but we can
Show that we move on and forgive.

Thanks for all your advice. I certainly wouldn’t be bringing it up but she seems to keep mentioning it. When she mentioned it this week I actually said oh we’ve moved on from then, these things happen, but I just wanted advice for when she mentions it again which I’m sure she will. It actually affected me for a while when the incident happened!!