we have moved to be near my son and wonder if we made a mistake

This happened to me when my lovely parents decided to come and live near us, my dad having the idea I would eventually look after mum. My children were teenagers at the time and had their own things going on, they were not used to popping in to grandparents and DH and I were both working. It was very difficult my dad expected and hoped for frequent visits which we just couldn't do with all the activities of three teenagers and our own. They did settle in and we did see them but I was upset that we couldn't do as they wanted and they were rather put out. You need to lower your expectations a lot, don't waste your time worrying about the other grandparents and try and stay as calm as any of us can in these difficult times. Make up your mind that you are there for at least of couple of years and when the lockdown is finally over start joining everything you can. Meanwhile explore your immediate area and sort out the house.

Good advice from Grammaretto

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

From someone who has made mistakes too, my advice is to find someone, a counsellor perhaps, to talk this over with. You could certainly do with a friend right now.
You had the best of intentions but things haven't worked out in anyone's favour.
Stay put for the time being, get the house in to shape, try not to depend on your DS and family but be available if and when they reach out to you.
Why would they want to while you are so miserable?

Try not to be envious of the other GP.s. I think we all get pangs sometimes. Look forward to making new friends and joining some clubs you'll enjoy

In 6 months, when hopefully the worst of the pandemic is over, and Summer is here the world will look much brighter.
Remember that everyone is in a bad place at present. Nobody is really content.

Good luck to you and next time you want to do something drastic, ask on here first

biba70

Bibitty this comment is so harsh, really ''What support did you expect from your son? He was already dealing with a global pandemic, a pregnant wife and subsequently a newborn, another child and work.
You should not have been adding anything at all to his load. ''

from the OP, it seems that the son and DIL actively encouraged them to move nearer - so if they didn't want to bother- why did they?

Where on earth did you get the feeling her son asked for this. They never visited them an hour away and haven’t made great efforts to communicate before, during or after this move. It seems like the only one who wanted this wa s the OP.

Akenside
Unfortunately you didn't read the signs your son was giving, or you chose to ignore them.
Yes, you have made a costly and time consuming mistake ( imo).
I'm a great believer in: when in a hole, stop digging. This situation isn't working for you, your son and certainly not for your poor husband. And I have to ask: who makes a huge decision as in moving home without both parties being onboard.
But all is not lost. Put this awful situation behind you and, if finances permit move back to your old area.
I think without this happening nobody is going to be happy.

Bibitty this comment is so harsh, really ''What support did you expect from your son? He was already dealing with a global pandemic, a pregnant wife and subsequently a newborn, another child and work.
You should not have been adding anything at all to his load. ''

from the OP, it seems that the son and DIL actively encouraged them to move nearer - so if they didn't want to bother- why did they?

I'm sure a lot of us who now have teenage or adult grandchildren can remember the pangs of envy if the co-grandparents lived nearer when they were tiny. You worry about not having an equal relationship with them but
there are often advantages to not being the one 'around the corner' who is often taken for granted.

You've made the move now so just work at getting things in order without expecting help from your son. I remember the feeling of dread when my mother rang up to tell me she was moving to the next village but it all worked out in the end.

I think you're expecting too much too soon. The other grandparents might be feeling a bit unsettled and 'staking their claim.' Just go with the flow and try to enjoy your new experiences.

Good Luck.

As many others have said, give it time.

*Do things to make your new "house" into your new "home".

*Spend time finding out what types of things are available to do in your new area and as the lockdown eases start doing them, joining clubs/classes or whatever it is that suits you and your interests.

*Look for solutions to the travelling back and forth...public transport maybe? Start thinking about longer term working plans...do you have to work financially? Could you take a break? Or do something completely different more local to you?

*Do shared things with your husband in the new house and as the pandemic eases maybe build up new routines together

*Continue to do your one day a week childcare and enjoy it. Observe where and how you might be able to help with little things but make NO assumptions, gently offer and wait.

Make positive comments on things to your son and DIL. eg " Gosh, haven't you done well teaching ** how to ..." or "I do think your routine with * is great!" etc etc

*As the pandemic eases think about nice things you can do with your grandchildren but also think about new ways to engage with the whole family. Be careful not to inadvertently give the impression that you are only interested in the GC

*I have learnt that if I expect nothing I can't be disappointed but when something positive happens it is a lovely surprise. Positive things can be small but significant!

*It is hard to adjust expectations but adjusting them is vital to building your own life with your Adult son and family as a part of it, not the reason for it.

Good luck and hang in there and please do let us know how you are getting on

No, lock down cannot have helped. When it is over, you need to get out and about and make friends in the area you are now living in.

You did make it sound as if life revolves around your own family, which is understandable right now, but I hope you can find good friends and interests apart from the family once life becomes a little mor normal.

I don't think it's very helpful telling you it wasn't well thought out. You did what you thought was for the best at the time. I would try to relax a bit about the situation. There has been so much going on for both households to cope with - the move, settling into a new area, getting the house right, a new baby, plus covid restrictions! As restrictions are lifted and the spring arrives maybe you will start to feel more settled and can form a closer relationship with your son's family. It's easy for me to say 'try to be positive' but I hope things work out for you all x

I am sorry you are in this situation.

It seems your wants and needs were the the only ones taken into account. If your son and his family had wanted more contact with you they would have made the hour long journey, kinder to say it was too far.

Now you are there, without asking if they would like that, you have forced the situation. Your son rarely visits so that should tell you that he did not want more contact.

I would move back to where you were and hope that your son and his wife will have more contact when they do not feel forced to do so.

I'm sorry that so soon after moving you are unhappy with your decision Akenside. Life for us all is far from normal so moving at this time is bound to be harder that it would have been before the pandemic.

Try and focus on what you do like about your new home. There must have been something that attracted you to it apart from being nearer to your son and his family.

Make plans with your DH abut the things you want to change. Just decor changes can make a real difference and put your own stamp on it.

You really do need to give it some time and hopefully when we're out of lock down and life gets back to how it used to be, you'll feel more positive about the move.

So disappointing for you OP. One lives and learns - things just don't always turn out as we expect them to. Hope you resolve the situation as best as possible. Discuss the matter with your DS frankly and make your decision. They say one should not rely on others to make us happy. Move back to your previous area as long as you don't have a financial loss .

Good post CrazyGrandma!

Change the things you can, learn to accept the things you can’t.

What support did you expect from your son? He was already dealing with a global pandemic, a pregnant wife and subsequently a newborn, another child and work.
You should not have been adding anything at all to his load.
Are you complaining to him about the struggles with the size of your house? I have to be honest I wouldn’t have even responded to a message like that.

You are two competent adults. This was solely your decision.
You can not expect him to have taken on more for you. If you are unhappy there move back. But as it is a pandemic you may as well see the year through.
You need to readjust your expectations and look into an independent life where you live. With your own activities and friends etc.

How I identify with your upset, moving then realising it was a mistake. I am on my own, after a horrid marriage, 4 grown up children. My daughter persuaded me to sell up and come nearer her. Not once did she text or see if I had settled in. I hated my new home, took a breakdown and no one wanted to no. I eventually got myself another home rented until I was well. and settled, it was where I was happy. 10 yrs on I still haven't forgiven her, although we talk now. She is saying same things to me again. Hope u settle and if not move again.

I see no response from Akenside 62... sounds to me as though the comments here have been a little.... sharp?

come on Akenside... how are you now? have any of these comments helped? is there anything we can do?

I do hope that you can deal with these comments, they are, of course, only other peoples opinions... I completely understand where you are coming from,

p.m. me if it would help..
please?

Yes, in answer to your question, you have made a huge mistake! If only you had come on here before you moved and discussed your plans ,I am sure, without exception, we would all have advised against it, as your reasons and motives seem very wrong to me. My advice would be to cut your losses and go back, I think everyone, but most especially your dh, will be very happy with that solution.

Sounds like it was an impulsive decision. Fuelled by jealousy of the other grandparents proximity. You don’t seem to particularly like your new house either. Poor husband too.

If finances allow, I’d move back to your ‘nicer’ area, even if it meant downsizing to accommodate this. Laugh about it with your son & say you don’t know what got into you!

An hour isn’t far away. Well, For you to visit - as what else are you doing with your time? But for a young family? A different ask to load up a car with all but the kitchen sink for the baby, occupy a small child in the process?

I’m not sure here whether the decision to move was a consensus of opinion or a ‘I’m going for it’ decision.

You know you’re trying to fit a square peg in a round hole here. I’d rethink all of this and restore harmony and equilibrium! Only my opinion of course.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Our daughter lives over sixty miles away I won't drive there as I don't like motorways. I rely on hubby to drive before covid obviously we don't go now because of restrictions. We did discuss buying a second home nearby so we could be closer but not on their doorstep.
It's a nice place where they live with lots of walking areas with lovely pubs etc.
Our daughter made every excuse why we shouldn't buy a house. The truth is we get on with our SIL but he does not have a close family. Without it being actually said to us he does not want us too close. I am disappointed about it but I have to get over it. My husband is irritated about it but there is nothing we can do about it.
I suggest you make the best of the situation your husband 'up sticks' at your request a lot of husbands would not. Your son has a lot on his plate maybe who knows you will have to see how things work out in the mean time get on with your own life.

As others have said, give it time and bear in mind life is difficult for everyone right now.

And for your own sanity, forget about the other grandma!

BusterTank

I think you should have gave this move a lot more thought before you done it .

So eloquently put.

Akenside62 I am sorry that you are so unhappy. We did the same as you but with the full agreement and encouragement of our DD & family and we knew the area well.

We wanted to be more involved with the GC and to support their parents and also wanted some new challenges in our retirement. Both sides laid down rules before the move. No dropping in unannounced and an understanding that they had their own lives to lead.

Settling into a new area is never easy but we made the effort and now have our own life here. Lockdown has made things much harder and not being bale to see everyone is hard. Clearly it wasn't an ideal time for you to move.

The old adage, 'the only thing you can change is yourself' comes to mind. Concentrate on your house first. I wasn't over the moon with this house but it got me where I wanted to be so I made the compromise. After much work I now love it and can't imagine living anywhere else.

Once lockdown is over - and surely we are nearer the end than the beginning - get out join clubs and meet people.

You need to build your own life and not rely on your AC. They have their own lives to lead with their young family, just as you once did. Would you have wanted your own parents to be so dependent on you?

If after a year you are still unhappy and not settled and if finances allow then move back. We were travelling much more than an hour to see our AC. As others have said I also feel very sorry for your DH, especially as from the sounds of he didn't really want to move.

In summary, change the things you can and then I'm afraid that you have to find some way of living with the things that you can't. Good luck.

This is very hard. We have been agonising over this last year- as the combination of Covid + Brexit have turned our lives upside down. I would certainly not move to an area I don't like - and 1 hour travelling is not far, is it?.

We have thought about this even more since a cousin and her husband moved in with their favourite son- something we would never do btw. Cousin and DIL never really bonded or saw eye to eye, but the son and 3 granchildren were the apple of their eye. They sold and put their money in with them to buy a bigger place. The son died of Covid (aged 50) 3 weeks ago, the cousin's husband 2 weeks ago- and she is about to come home from being very ill herself. What a nightmare.

But yes, give it time- the Summer will probably be much easier. I feel for you, hope time heals.