we have moved to be near my son and wonder if we made a mistake

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Good advice from Grammaretto

This happened to me when my lovely parents decided to come and live near us, my dad having the idea I would eventually look after mum. My children were teenagers at the time and had their own things going on, they were not used to popping in to grandparents and DH and I were both working. It was very difficult my dad expected and hoped for frequent visits which we just couldn't do with all the activities of three teenagers and our own. They did settle in and we did see them but I was upset that we couldn't do as they wanted and they were rather put out. You need to lower your expectations a lot, don't waste your time worrying about the other grandparents and try and stay as calm as any of us can in these difficult times. Make up your mind that you are there for at least of couple of years and when the lockdown is finally over start joining everything you can. Meanwhile explore your immediate area and sort out the house.

It was a hasty I'll thought out move but you are there now Give up your preconceived ideas of what life would be like and work at settling in your new community Things will be easier when Covid restrictions are fewer and you can do stuff and make friends

May I ask if you talked to your son and dil and you all agreed on the expectations?

Is this dil the same one you posted about on 2018?
If yes, granny wars have been happening for a long time.

If I were you, I would make peace with what you have there and expect more - a previous poster made a very clever observation of you expecting your son to help you when you moved closer to help them.

For your marriage and husband's sake z I would move back.

This move was motivated for the wrong reasons and there is time to fix this.

I moved just over two years ago to be 15 miles away from one of my sons and two grand daughters I was newly retired and I live alone They were happy to have me closer
I have learnt a lot.
I def never want to live with them in the future however big the house
We all get on and I am fully employed in grandma and dog walking duties
I love it but also love my own life, however obviously my wings are clipped at the moment due to restrictions
I don’t think you can ever expect gratitude from your children. After all that’s not why we have them
Young families need all the help they can get without conditions. It’s not for ever and there is much joy in seeing GC grow
I have two sons and both DILs are like queen bees. Just as I was. We were all high fliers once. Pass the baton but be there to catch it if necessary Offer them love and support You have a wealth of experience but they need to live their lives without your interference and expectations Just say ‘that’s nice dear’.
Set an example by the way you embrace your new life. Generally I find it’s much more fun with my peer group than my sons friends and neighbours anyway You are only as happy as your unhappiest child. Support your son in anyway you can . He is always your baby and ‘it is a short day to be selfish ‘ (Kaladassa). Good luck with your new life

I do fee3l for you Akenside62. You have also received alot of hatsh comments on here too.
This all started because your Son & Daughter in Law complained about the hours journey it took them to visit you. Why they should complain as they only visited you now and then I find is selfish of them. So you have moved to be nearer to them and your Grandchildren hoping this will bring you closer. I dont know whether it will as everything seems to be on their terms. It may bring you more hurt & heartbreak. Your daughter in law is happy to be living around her own family and your son is following suit.
It is unfair to you and your husband that your son does not make much effort to be around you and his Dad. The effort is one sided and it seems to me that this will continue unless you are doing for him and his family. But, he is not going to do much for you when you need him.
Unless you have this out with him at some point things wont change and i think you Husband sussed this out long before you have.
Maybe this move was meant for you to see things more clearly than you have been seeing it or living in hope for.
I would give it 12 months were you are now but I think you are in for a bumpy ride. Your son should and could have helped you regardless of having 2 young children...never mind what others have said on here. But, has chose not too...you hope that having children they will be there for you when you need them...but this day and age it doesnot seem to mean a thing to them.
I would hope this brings you closer to your husband as despite everything he could see and him being against the move...he had moved with you to make you happy and he loves you. Concentrate on the relationships of those who love you...as for your son...he is a stupid fool who has no back bone nor realise that you and his Father wont always be around.
If you end up moving back to where you have come from...let them make the effort in the future and you and your husband make a life for yourselves and put everything in place for your later years. Then make an effort to get out more and make more friends and establish a support net work around you both.
We hope having children, we will be close and we will all support each other and be there for each other in our Adult lives...your now finding this is not always the way. Look after YOU and your husband as your son is now looking after himself and his family and not putting himself out enough for you.

Jillybird

Well, if you were crying before, I suspect you are sobbing now. Such a lot of harsh comments on here.

I suspect the reason they didn't visit so often at your old house was because your DiL didn't want to and saying it was because you lived so far away was an excuse... Sorry.

I moved where I am seven years ago. I didn't know anyone so I joined everything I possibly could: a reading group, a writing group and art group, a gym. That was easy because there wasn't a lockdown and I made friends. There were also loads of other groups which I didn't choose to join - U3A, The Red Hat Ladies, WI. If you search online you will find them. It's really not ideal to move in a pandemic when you can't start the journey of moving in properly. Spend time now researching and thinking of how you would like to spend your time. In your case, you may have to look for another job local to where you are? I had just retired so didn't have that restraint.

The house you can easily sort out and have the time to do it with the lockdown and not being able to indulge in other interests. Look on Instagram and Pinterest for stimulation and interesting ideas about how to design and decorate your house. If you are on Facebook you can find pages like Rocket St George which has loads of people with ideas who love offering suggestions. Book any interior people (plumbers, painters, etc.) now ready for when they can safely work in the house. As soon as the lockdown is over they are going to be much in demand! Can you sort the garden out now it's winter and you can see what space you've got? A gardener might be quite happy to assist as it's outside work. You really need a project to be able to look forward to something.

It is extremely hard being the parent of boys - girls almost always refer to their mothers (naturally - unless they don't get on). I can empathise as I have two sons and no daughters. I ingratiate myself unreservedly. I don't ask for help, I offer it! Babysitting, yes, of course! Dog sitting, definitely, when? I can help pay for the school trip, will £100 help? I am always delighted when they descend en masse even though it's extremely expensive and very hard work...

I hope I might have given you a few ideas. If, after you have sorted your house out, you will have increased its value and you can still move again. Now is not the right time (unless the Chancellor extends the house purchase tax for longer) , so grit your teeth and beautify your current home. Sort out any niggles. You must have liked something about it to have bought in the first place.

The main thing is, show the young parents how interesting, independent and exciting you are! What a fun grandma you are to be around. If you have got depressed, that's a big ask, but you've made a great start by posting on here. Pull up your bootstraps and get started!

JillyBird, what a lovely positive post. I’m sure the OP will be able to take some comfort from this.
I’m a mother of a son and daughter, I agree daughters gravitate to their mothers. A Son will always try to please his wife, that’s how it should be.

Please come back and tell us your thoughts Akendide62

Is this the same family you wrote about 3 years ago?
Where you took time off work to be at the hospital and went part time to help them?

I don't blame you for moving. I feel like doing the same and often do a 3 hour journey to see dear GC and help out. Do give it time though and find some positives to focus on. This is a grim time of year to move anyway and moving is always stressful. Things will hopefully look up in the spring and you can all get used to the new situation. Your son and d-i-l are young people and they don't always think of the right thing to do. And they are busy with the little ones. Be hopeful and give it time. I'm sure it will all work out.

I agree LaRia JillyBird's post is lovely as is yours donna.

"We hope having children, we will be close and we will support each another and be there for each other in our Adult lives". Such a pity that for some AC the idea of mutual support isn't something they can give.

Thank you all for your comments. It has given me food for thought.

I hope you can give it a few months to try to settle. It's a terrible time to have to adjust.

I know some people have been brutally honest but we all wish you well.

We did exactly what you did. It all blew up because we didn't get any more contact with our GS. We were estranged for a while. We are back to having contact with our son and our GS once a week. We will never have a close relationship with our DIL and just have to accept it. I was really lonely but after three years we are finally having more of a life and settling down. I threatened to move many times but it would end with upsetting our son if we did but I finally like it here. The good thing is our grandson is now asking to visit us.

One day Covid and lockdown will finish. That's what I keep telling myself!

After that, perhaps join a Club of some sort. I don't know what you would like - WI, Aerobics, Book Group, Art Group?

You will then start to make a few friends. It's bound to be hard at first and I don't think you can decide, after four months, that it's a mistake.

Play the long game. It will be all right in the end. I wish you luck. One day you may need your son's help and it will be easier for him if you are nearby. I have experience of looking after elderly relations from a distance and it's hard.

Wow, English women can really be mean!

You might mean British?

Actually hcw1 what would be your advice? The OP might find that a more useful contribution.

What Tangerine says.
Things are so upside down with Covid that you need to wait.
We are only five mins away from our DD and family, it’s lovely.....or was! And will be again hopefully by Summer.
Although an hour away isn’t too far ( and it depends on the journey) it’s still an hour driving there and another hour driving back, as you get older.Think of the petrol too.
Give yourselves time and realise life is difficult for your family as well just at the moment.

Wow, English women can really be mean!
What a ridiculous observation.
You have no idea what nationality anyone on this forum is, happycatholicwife.
Welcome to Gransnet if you’re new.

Wow, English women can really be mean!

I am sure that there are people of every nationality who can be mean as there are those who can be kind and the majority who can be both which is human!

I agree with Jillybird. There are so many harsh replies on here. Aken is feeling hurt and anxious. I think she knows her decision was probably the wrong one, so doesn’t need reminding. Her husband went along with the move. He didn’t have to.
Our children will always look at us as the grown ups no matter how old they are. Us needing them can be difficult for them to face. They have no idea that their actions actually hurt, and as parents, we always forgive. Let’s face it, some DIL’s can be a complete nightmare and are often jealous of the mother/son relationship. It’s not all one sided! I don’t have a DIL by the way.
I sincerely hope you can make the decision to stay in your new house. It will eventually become home! As others have pointed out, Covid has changed our lives dramatically, but it will eventually improve. Spring’s not far away, and you’ll be able to explore your new area with your DH. so cheer up. ?

I always feel uncomfortable when people move to be nearer their adult children. It can feel suffocating.

You need to live your own life. I would move back-you might find your son & daughter in law are relieved.

Join stuff Akenside. Something you are interested in be it craft, walking group, Probus group, U3A, sport, church activities, volunteering. Meet new people and try not to think of family issues. At our age most people are friendly and welcoming to new people I have found and you can have a good yack and relax. I know it is hard with Covid but you could spend the time working out exactly what you want to join!