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Dd can’t cope

(15 Posts)
Odiebear Sun 31-Jan-21 08:41:16

3 years ago my dd had a son with a man who lived a drug and partying lifestyle. She ended it because he was a useless father. When my gs was 3 months old a man my dd was talking to online came to our town to meet her and didn’t end up going back. They wanted me to let him stay in my house (as my dd and gs lived with us) but I wouldn’t as I didn’t know him, so they rented out caravans and hotel rooms to be in. She fell pregnant after being with him for 4 months and straight away he turned in an abusive narcissist. Anyway, cut a long and painful story short, after court cases he isn’t allowed near my dd for 7 years and his dd for 2 years. Problem is my dd still loves him. My gc are now 3 and 2 and she can’t cope with them. She says she wasn’t meant to be doing this on her own. My oh and I always have one of the or both. My dd always need a break. We have offered her to come and stay with us so we can help her parent and keep her family unit together but she won’t. The only help she will accept is us taking one or preferably both off her. She can only manage them both for one night then we have one or both back again. If we ask for a break she screams at the children so we feel we have to take them. I feel she bully’s us. I have even had to give up my job because we we are having the gc so much. Don’t get me wrong I love my gc but I find them quite a handful and this isn’t how I expected being a nanny was going to be. I’m so unhappy.

sodapop Sun 31-Jan-21 09:03:30

That's hard Odiebear caring for your grandchildren and supporting your daughter, you are going over and above. As you say this is not what you expected or wanted, life throws us a curve ball sometimes. As this has been going on for some time I think its time to get some professional help. It must be so difficult for your grandchildren being shuttled around like this and knowing their mother can't cope.
Time now to put the needs of the children first and get them more settled, you have my sympathy I hope you get some help.

BlueBelle Sun 31-Jan-21 09:06:45

Oh dear you poor lady of course it s too much you must set some rules and guidelines down as soon as you read these replies which I m sure most will give you the same advice
A 2 and a 3 year old that have lived disrupted lives are far too much to handle almost full time, for any grandparents as much as you d like to
What does she do with her free time does she work ? I m guessing maybe not why the heck can’t she use precautions when she’s in and out of abusive relationships The last one must have done something pretty awful to have to stay away
from her for 7 years
You think she bully’s you, there’s no thinking SHE DOES BULLY YOU and because you want to help and love the little ones you do her bidding
If you don’t have the children would she hurt them ? ignore them, neglect them,? Does she have a social worker ?
You need help to get a routine that you can manage not only for you but those poor little kids
Do connect with some professional help

Odiebear Sun 31-Jan-21 09:12:15

Hi thankyou for your reply sodapop. Dd has and still is having professional help. She has been on a course for being in an abusive relationship. We have paid for her to have profession councilling and she’s also getting councilling through the domestic abuse place she goes too. Everything points to her not wanting her children. I’m just so exhausted and unhappy I just don’t see an end to it. For the last 3 years she has taken all our time and energy, I have 3 other grown up children who barely get a look in.

Grammaretto Sun 31-Jan-21 10:07:42

I don't believe it is that uncommon a situation. I know a single DGP who is over 70 and cares for his DGS every day but they are in nursery during the day.
When I was alone all day with 2 under 4, (expecting #3) even with a DH who was there to help every evening and weekend there were times when I despaired and wondered if I really liked children! Babies yes, such adorable bundles but toddlers having meltdowns.
I can see this from DD's side too.

However you as chief support group have rights too.
You must not let DD rule by threats.
Write it down, like you have here and show it to DD.
She may be able to find daycare for the DC.
Remember it doesn't last forever.

Eviebeanz Sun 31-Jan-21 17:10:18

Just a thought - are any of your other grown up children able to lend a hand with the gc or speak to dd or both?

Hithere Sun 31-Jan-21 18:38:04

Your dd needs to woman up and ask for help - to other sources than you
Those kids are already in this world and they deserve a good mother who loves them

She also has a bad man picker - 2 in a row is a pattern she needs to fix.

Bibbity Sun 31-Jan-21 18:39:39

Has anyone notified social services? It sounds like some serve intervention is needed.

Sparkling Sun 31-Jan-21 18:50:03

Cannot she not get any other help, you should not have had to stop work to look after her children, you and your husband deserve to have time together after a lifetime of work. She need not have got pregnant with two men she didn’t know well in the first place, it was very irresponsible. I know that once here you love them, she needs outside help. Let’s hope she doesn’t meet another man she falls for and the same thing happens.

GagaJo Sun 31-Jan-21 20:29:26

That isn't very helpful or supportive Sparkling.

Odiebear, are social services involved? It really sounds as if they need to be. I don't say this lightly, but if your daughter can't cope with your grandchildren, and you can't manage them either, some support is really needed, and that is what SS is there for.

None of us would want to do that, but those poor children need someone who can put their needs first and it sounds as if you are the most sensible one, and also the one who cares abot them most.

NotSpaghetti Sun 31-Jan-21 20:41:02

If she is involved with domestic abuse services, what are they doing other than the courses?

Have they made referrals anywhere?

TrendyNannie6 Sun 31-Jan-21 20:51:16

My heart goes out to you and your husband odiebear! What an awful situation, you are doing your best for the children and are being bullied! Your daughter certainly isn’t coping is she, poor children! Please get help ASAP, I really hope you get the help you need, I’m not surprised you are unhappy, and having to give up your job too is sad, your daughter is so lucky to have you trying to help, I hope you get social services in, these children need peace and calmness and so do you,

PECS Sun 31-Jan-21 20:59:19

It does sound as if you DD is in need of some emotional as well as practical help.
I would say in the immediate future the children are top priority. They need stability and safety.
If you cannot offer a more permanent place for them, and I fully understand why you may not be able to, then you need to involve Children's Services if you are worried for the children's well being.

Your poor daughter has been through unhappy times and really needs some professional help: counselling or psychiatric help.. depending on how troubled she is. Does she have addiction issues herself: drugs, alcohol, men?

In your shoes I would offer to have the kids for 3 months on the condition she sought help for her emotional/psychological issues. After that re-assess but with Children's Services being a strong option if there has not been progress.

MamaBear20 Mon 01-Feb-21 04:37:53

I was also wondering if one of your other three children are willing to take in your grandchildren. Is your DD willing to give up her parental rights so one of her siblings could adopt? The only other option I see is involving child protective services (not sure what it’s called in England). Those innocent kids deserve better than a mother who doesn’t want them and can’t handle them. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a terrible situation and I truly feel for you. hugs if you want them.

chelseababy Mon 01-Feb-21 10:20:18

Does she get some free nursery hours per week for the 3 year old? If not investigate this as I think she should.