How much support to expect from children

As for my father, who I adore - he’s far better off than we are and in good physical and reasonable mental health. He’s probably going to move to the village my sister is moving to, but I’ll be down every month to see them all. I normally provide a lot of emotional support, but I’ve scaled that back lately as my own (currently pretty dire) mental health doesn’t allow it. He dislikes therapy which he’s tried and refuses antidepressants, and I refuse to take the place of trained professionals.

I care for my spouse, whose emotionally abusive parents have significant health difficulties. I have made it explicitly clear that she can give them as much support as she wants bar mutual finances, but I won’t. I would never in a million years have them live with us even if we had the room, and one of my reasons for not moving to a specific city is because of the proximity and level of support they’d expect. Neither spouse nor I have the capacity for that.

That is so difficult Hithere
It sounds like your DH is in an impossible position and it's really good hes learned to say no when he needs to. Your poor SIL! I have to say your MIL sounds a nightmare.

My dh is Indian and the only son.

The unrealistic pressure he was put under since he was 20 makes me so sad - support himself and his whole family, mediate family fights, etc.

It is like since "he became of age", the adults of the family decided to stop functioning as such. He was expected to fix all the problems with a magic wand and keep the family reputation intact

He has learned since then it is not normal and tells them he is not able to help with anything he has no control over

Her sister has a bad marriage? Instead of going to India and mediate or get them divorced, it is up to the couple to decide what to do.

Dont get me started how my other sister in law is treated by her mil- apparently my sister in law doesnt fulfill her mil's expectations "how her son should be treated" and screams at her daily.
But it is the role a dil takes so nobody bats an eyelash. Pity.

onwardandupward my granny lived with us from the day my parents married ,they had been married almost 30 years when she died.We loved her ,all of us, but as children didn't realise that she was a wedge between my mum and dad .Granny didn't sleep well .so she often ,sometimes several times a week expected my mum to sit with her through the night .Poor dad was abandoned ,just as well he was such a lovely caring man.
That was the main reason I didn't move mum in with us ,we bought her a small flat next to our business so I could pop in and out during the day as needed BUT it was never during the day she needed anything
.Come 2am she was on the phone and as my son was under school age when this started my OH stayed in bed and I got a taxi down to see her often nt getting home until it was time to get my daughter up for school
In effect she was repeating what her mother had done to her marriage .On the advice of her GP we got her a flat in a sheltered housing complex with a warden and she STILL called me .Never my sister only me .By the time she died 12 and a half years later I was living on my nerves and anti depressants .
Like my Dad my OH was very good about it ,too good ,we once had to cancel a holiday the day before we were due to leave because she couldn't manage without me ...tantrums and tears .her GP said go she was a spoilt old woman but we wouldn't have enjoyed our rare break if something had gone worng with her.
Like someone says upthread even the nicest people can become selfish and demanding in old age .I dont want to risk that ever happening with my children .
I loved my mum and am happy I was with her right to her last breathe but I wouldn't want to do it all again or watch my lovely kids jump through hoops to care for me .

I don't think you can expect it.
If your children grew up seeing you sacrifice for your parents and you set them a good example in taking care and being loving to your parents and having healthy family relationships, they might model that. But, they may not be able to- for perhaps financial reasons , other ties or their own health.

Many people today are not financially secure in the way their parents are. The question is, would you want your child not to own a home, have a pension or savings because they put earning money on hold to cater to your needs?

None, if they wanted to help then fine but l did not have children expecting them to care for me in my old age.

The nursing home my mum in law was cared for during end of life was owned by sisters of Indian origin. They worked in similar homes and took necessary qualifications before opening this nursing home. They told us that at the start of their learning curve, they shared the common view that Asian families are more likely to care for elderly relatives. Their work convinced them that White British families are just as dedicated. That by the time their residents arrived, families had spent years caring in their own homes. That their relatives could no longer be safely cared for at home
That is borne out by my personal and professional experience

nanna8 All cultures are different and while Asian cultures have a tradition of caring for the old at home, I do not think it is as strong as it was. In India and China, as they adapt western living patterns; living in nuclear families, husband and wives both working, they too are finding that care of the elderly is a problem and care homes are being opened. I have read a number of articles describing these changes.

There are also aspects of these cultures that we find less attractive; pressure on young people to conform to family norms to accept arranged marriages, when they do not want them. I am not talking forced marriages, but pressure to conform to family expectations.

One of the factors loosening family ties, has been something that, in Britain, we are so proud of, and that is the Welfare State. Much of the rationale behind extended families is based on the need to turn to the family in times of need, hence the pressure to conform to family values.

Some years ago I was speaking to a lady born in the 1910s and growing up in the poverty of the Irish immigrant community in London's Dockland before the welfare state. Often with family scattered across the world, they would form affinity groups to replicate these extended families and to whom they could turn to in times of need.

It explained all the elderly ladies in my early childhood with Irish names that my mother called 'auntie' but whose relationship to her I could never quite work out. With my Irish grandmother, they were the remains of just such an affinity group, no longer necessary, in more affluent times with state pensions, unemployment pay and free health care.

My parents moved away from family to enjoy retirement by the coast. They had a lovely life there. When they reached their 90’s they needed extra help and I was the one who stepped in. I had a three hour drive to them and ended up being away from my home for months on end. They always said that I shouldn’t have to do it as it was their choice to move away, but they are my parents and if I don’t look after them who will? I couldn’t just do nothing, I will always be there for them, my retirement will have to wait! My daughter also lives four hours drive away from me, I don’t want to live where she does lovely though it is. I will have to make my own arrangements when the time comes but won’t rely on family caring for me, their have their own lives to live, I will have had mine by then.

I will not receive support from my children and don't expect it. They are closer to their wealthy father, my ex-husband who lives alone. They all live nearer to him and get regular financial assistance from him for cars, houses etc. I can't provide this so am of no interest to them and it suits me fine. Spoilt by their dad, they don't know the meaning of visiting just for the pleasure of catching up or going out for a nice meal or coffee. I have lots of friends and we support each other.

I have been a long distance carer (due to living overseas), first for my mother, and then later for my father. As an only child, it all fell on me, and it meant being away from my husband, and older children, for several months at a time. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, both physically, and mentally. The stress and strain I was under was unimaginable, unless you've been through it yourself. I loved my parents dearly, and we were always very close, and, if I had to do it all over again, I would.

However, knowing what kind of stress I was under, I would never expect, or want, either of my children to have to go through what I did. I would much rather sell up my property and live in a care home. Living closer to them would be preferable, in order to have social visits, and contact. But I wouldn't want them to have the burden of caring for me. Social visits, collecting shopping, or taking to the odd appointment, are one thing, but not the burden of physically caring for an elderly parent, who's needs usually become more demanding, both physically, and mentally, the longer it goes on. That's not what I had my children for. I know they love me very much, but I would never put them through that.

Our culture is really very poor in supporting older people. I have several Asian friends who are quite appalled by this. Not everyone, of course but certainly a lot of Caucasian people just don’t help their extended families. Particularly the British I am ashamed to say.

Purplepoppies, I am also not near that age or stage (touch wood). I am at the stage where I still feel invincible. If that makes sense.

I was a stay at home Mom all my life so I had the time to look after everyone including my Mum.. So, I understand first hand the challenges careers face taking care of loved ones.

That being said: I don't know what the future will bring for me when I need care. My AC have busy lives and they all have careers. Times have changed.. I don't want my AC seeing me as a burden. However, If I am really honest: I do dread being put in a care home.

Who knows what I will do but I think it is a shame that our culture sees old age as a burden. Other cultures treasure and respect their elders.

I think most people would not want to be reliant on their children or other members of the family for ongoing and very challenging care needs. If there are not the funds to buy in several hours of care (which can be very expensive), I think that if an adult child has had a reasonably OK relationship with their parents then he or she would want to provide a certain amount of support. I don't think that is such a terrible thing. I also think that if parents are healthy and in a position to offer a certain amount of support to their adult children, there is nothing terrible about that either.

I see the issue as more about people being unreasonably demanding or taking the help they get for granted and having unrealistic expectations of what others should be doing for them.

Yes.
Isn't it a blessing that everyone is different?

Some adult children, believe it or not, consider it an honour and a privilege to care for their elderly parents. This is more likely in other cultures though. Nobody wants to be a burden to anyone, or expects help, but when you look at the state of many residential homes, you may have to allow your kids to take care of you if you don't want to end your days in boredom, misery and neglect. Perhaps the people who don't want to burden their children have experience of caring for elders and know how hard it can be, or perhaps it's something (caring) they wouldn't want to do themselves. It seems sometimes that when you're at your most vulnerable and needy is when families don't want to help, because they put their own lives first. It's sad. Perhaps we should be bringing up our children to show more compassion for the elderly, especially in their own families.

I promised my daughter I'll book myself into a care home when the time comes, and I intend to honour my promise. (Even though I'll hate it!)

Same here, if I can no longer do the very basic necessities then I most definitely want to be gone. So unfair we prolong human life yet we deem it inhumane to prolong a dog or cats life. So I would not wish to be helped by daughter which is lucky as none would be forthcoming. Despite the masses of help I have given none has ever been given back to me. A very different generation these are on the whole.

Grow up needing

This kind of arrangements have to be considered very carefully- full details and timing

What the helper party agree now, may not work in the future as circumstances change
What if the helper party needs to move for work? Get divorced?

"They have discussed that she will help them with regular childcare and that in turn and in due course they will be there to give her any support she needs when growing older."

What is that "any support she needs when growing old"? It is super vague

Furthermore, I believe childcare vs elder care are two different animals
Kids grow up needed less and less care and supervision (a decade max) while elder care gets more and more demanding as time passes by - we can talk about decades here

Elder care can also mean it is a full time job, 24×7 sometimes, compared to childcare

I don't expect anything because if you don't expect anything you can't be disappointed .

I was fully prepared at the start of the first lockdown to uproot myself and live in a caravan to support and care for my mum. Sadly I didn't get the chance ?
I'm not sure if my dd would be up for helping me tbh. I'm not anywhere near that age or stage (touch wood) but I have to say she hasn't covered herself in glory over lockdown ? not the bubble I thought we were.

I have thought about this a lot recently as my Mother has recent health issues and when in hospital said told them she didn't need carers as she had daughters ! Unfortunately not all of us do the same visiting or caring as the eachother and this has caused a lot of resentment. I persuaded my Mother to have carers and she is slowly getting used to having them visit. When I'm that age I'd rather be in a home with people my own age where I could have both independence or companionship, whenever I needed it. I don't feel it should come down to some and not others and I would hate to hear the pathetic excuses from my own children that I hear from my own family on reasons they can't visit.