How much support to expect from children

I have 1 daughter and 2 sons. I would hope that they would help out with general things like shopping if I wasn't able to do it on line.
No way would I have them giving me personal care .
I dread the thought of even having carers washing/bathing me,
If I ever got to that stage or bedridden, I'd rather be gone.

I realise reading some of your responses that what to “expect” can mean different things: it could mean “they should give me support” or “I think they will give me support”. Two different things really...

dogsmother, ‘taking responsibility’ does not necessarily require a family member to become a carer. My brothers and I took full responsibility for making sure my Dad was cared for. During his not infrequent hospital stays, one of us visited every day, took him home, and got his professional carers in as needed.

As it happened, we, between us, could afford to pay for care. It’s absolutely scandalous that those without means do not always receive the social and healthcare support that they and we have paid for via taxes and NI, putting what is often an unbearable burden on ageing siblings or offspring with their own health problems.

This may be unpopular.....but having worked in a hospital in a medical ward with so many elderly people. I find it absolutely appalling the amount of people, in fact the overwhelming majority latterly who will not take responsibility for there own family.
I will leave it there as of course we all have our own problems to deal with. But why on earth shouldn’t we care for our own with support.

None, I don't want my daughter's life to be consumed by my increasing needs.

Joet
You are indeed lucky.
For myself I couldn’t bear the thought of my children having to care for me.
I think I’ve always been independent, always been a bit of a control freak I suppose, and the thought of being dependent on them fills me with horror!

If it is necessary, we hope to have live in Carer's. We love our children and grandchildren and have no doubt that they love us but there is no way I would want to be a burden and spoil that relationship.

We help look after dgc in normal times but on the basis of building a relationship with them - not for payback!!

We are in DD's childcare bubble. She supports us and her autistic brother who lives with us with shopping and admin. She has worked in care but the thought of her doing personal care for any of us fills us all with dread

My late husband thought our children would look after us in old age, as he looked after his parents, but I don't want or expect it. I would hope to be independent for as long as possible and then go into sheltered housing.

I helped our aunt and uncle move closer to us and looked after them. I looked after my MIL until she had to have palliative care.
I was caring for my mum until dementia really took hold. That was heart breaking the way it changed her she was unrecognisable. It’s not something I would expect my son or daughter to witness it’s soul destroying.
I would not expect our son or daughter to physically help us. But I know practically they would do what they could for us.

I looked after my mother for over 12 years ,she had multiple issues including being doubly incontinent .She used to cry as I cleaned her up after an accident ,the loss to her dignity was heartbreaking to see.She wouldn't have wanted to end her life in a care home so I and my sister wouldn't have suggested it
.It was very hard work as I had a small child a teenager a home and a husband and a business to run as well as cook daily for mum who just wouldn't eat if I didn't cook it.I often had to leave my OH in bed and get a taxi to see to her when she called in the middle of the night
I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy never mind my lovely children.Not that it will be an option for my daughter who has multiple health issues of her own.I believe they are entitled to have their lives without the horrors of the care I gave...I dont regret caring for mum ,I loved her dearly and was happy to do what I could but it put a strain on my marriage and my mental health that I wouldn't ever expect my kids to think they had to have .
I didn't have children to have carers

I didn’t have my children solely so they would look after me in old age, so all I would hope for is that they would arrange for personal care if I would need it, there’s no way I’d want to be a burden to them,

When my Dad was paralysed following a motor accident, the hospital assumed that I would be his carer on discharge. My brothers lived within minutes of Dad’s house and were closer to him, and one had no children. I was a single parent with several children and lived 150 miles away, and had a full time job.

When I said I wasn’t prepared to be his carer, the hospital staff were really rather unpleasant about it. But I stuck to my guns, and sustained a healthy father/daughter relationship right up until Dad’s death some years later. I simply could not have done that if I’d had to give up my job, move my family across the country, and engage in intimate personal care. My brothers and I arranged for all personal care to be done by professionals, and the boys took turns to be the contact for his emergency buzzer. I visited when I could, and took over buzzer duty occasionally when my brothers went on holiday.

For the same reason, I wouldn’t ever expect any of my children to be my carer, should I need one. One only has to look on some GN threads to see how caring that way can damage relationships and cause stress, sorrow and harm to the carer.

I was brought up in a family where caring for the older generation was considered to be right and was accepted willingly and lovingly. For the most part those elders continued to do as much as they could for themselves, which obviously helped.

I happily did as much as could for my FiL as he became less able to care for himself. In the end, though, we agreed that residential care would be needed.

I don't expect my family to look after me but I hope they will care enough about me to make sure that I get any help I need. However they live several hours away and I've no desire to move near them. So I hope to remain capable of looking after myself until I drop off my perch! Unless I'm doolally a residential home would be anathema - I'd rather go for a long walk over the fells and not be found until it was too late!

As long as I could access outside services for myself, healthcare, house maintenance, food delivery and prep, I would not want any support from my daughter. When I am unable I would go into a home or arrange for carers.

I would not want my daughter to have that burden or become resentful of supporting which I know happens in many cases.

Under no circumstances would I want that for my children.

I think my DH would say the same midgey. ?

I’d rather pay for care if possible. I wouldn’t want my children seeing me at my worst, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want that either. I’d hope the only help I’d want from them is financial guidance if it becomes too difficult for me.

DD lives in Australia, no way will she ever be able to offer any sort of care.

DS lives a few minutes walk away, but am quite sure if we ever get so we can’t manage, we will have to go in a home. I do not expect him or his wife to care for us, we have always been happy to offer childcare, help with their house (decorating, DIY etc), gardening, but that doesn’t equate to care in our old age. They have their own lives to lead.
If we have to spend our money on our own care, so be it.
I just hope we keep reasonably fit and able, and then keel over with no fuss or bother.

My sister and I helped our widowed mother a lot, meals, shopping, bathing, getting up and going to bed, but I know without a doubt that won’t happen with our own children, and don’t expect them to.

I have never had any children of my own but I have a Step Daughter, who after the death of my wife in 2019 gave me so much support during the first lockdown despite having a full time job with the ambulance service, sad to say she has cancer and is now very sick. She has a son now in his 20s he has moved in with me as my carer although I am 87 fully active and don't need help I have the peace of mind that he is there should I need it in the future, he is to me the son I never had and the feeling his mutual, how lucky am I.

I agree with MOnica this is a chancy arrangement, so many things can change in the future.
I think a great deal about these sort of arrangements depends on personal family relationships. I have no expectations of being looked after by my family should the need arise. If they want to help that would be great of course but they have their own lives.

I hope they’ll arrive and take me on a nice day out. Nothing more.

Definitely not personal care. I’d rather be smelly?

I hope they find me a nice home. Apart from that none. I would not want to burden them in any way.

Well, as DH had a serious illness before Christmas and is still not fully recovered. I know how much support I can get from my DC, who live 100 and 200 miles away respectively.

Both children have rung daily, often several times. Our 'bubble' has been down almost every weekend. despite a busy job (working from home). Our non-bubble slid in visits before lockdown and plans to be with us the moment he can.

I would never move to be near my children. I have no intention of ever expecting my DC to look after me on a daily basis. If I cannot manage at home on my own I will go into residential or supported care of some sort. I would at that point consider moving somewhere more convenient for DC to visit on a social basis . I am fortunate that I can afford to pay for whatever care I need.

For 15 years I was a long distance carer for successively several members of my family and found it could work out effectively.

Moving on the basis of childcare now and homecare later, is very chancy, such arrangements often fall down when the care for the elderly is required - and who knows what the future might bring, families have to move, an unexpected death or disability of the younger generation can often make these agreements impossible to fulfill.

I don’t think you should expect any! Hope for the support but make plans. My disabled husband fought hard for me, constantly telling ‘authority’ that I was his wife not his carer. He did always add that I was his ‘don’t carer!’