How much support to expect from children

When my mother was 95 and finding it difficult to cope, my sister came back from south Africa with her husband to look after her. It suited her because she had a nice house to live in and she was better off. Mum had carers coming in to get her up and put her to bed. After 5 years , when my sister got her pension, they decided to go back to South Africa and I went down to live with Mum while my husband stayed at home and visited. We were happy to do this and mum desperately wanted to stay in her own home. She had to go into a residential home a couple of times while we went on holiday and she hated it. She didn't expect us to do it, but we did it out of love for her, as she had done for her mother. It did mean, however that she did not spend all her money on a care home, so we benefited financially as well as making sure she enjoyed her last years

It depends totally on the relationship that you have with your children. My formerly independent Mother in law moved in with us when she was 98 and died at home with us at the great age of 101. It was a total privilege to care for her and I was so pleased to help her stay at home even though the last few months were challenging. She was able to pay for some care at home when she needed it but was also able to accept help from me. I'm 72 so hopefully many more independent years ahead of me but I think my daughter would like to look after me if it's possible but we have put away money to pay for care should it be needed. I would not want to be looked after at home if I had dementia though, if my brain's going I am happy to move into a care home.

I wouldn't 'expect' anything but I hope that they would keep an eye on me if they thought I was struggling. Luckily a way to go yet as I am only just 70 & fit & healthy- so far!

Witzend, spot on about the most expensive homes. All for show, lovely decor - and budgets cut to the bone for anything that goes unnoticed to most relatives.

There's no minimum staffing levels at night (or inspections, either). Result? Neglect in luxury surroundings. Invest in a listening device and the reality's revealed.

Overall - I'd prefer the tied to a chair and hosed down option!

@Kryptonite, over many years I had a lot of experience of visiting several care homes (3 relatives with dementia, one just frail) and they were all very good. I would add that a lot of care was taken when choosing the homes, though, and the most expensive ones certainly did not strike us as the best.

The two that gave me the very worst vibes were at the top end of the cost scale, though ‘plush’ at first sight. The general aura was of cash registers ringing, so to speak.

Particularly where dementia is concerned, I soon came to view ‘stylish’ decor as a means of winning over the relatives who were doing the choosing.

As for what they do in ‘other cultures’, in many countries people have no choice, not to mention that with less access to health care, because of distance or cost, people may well not live as long. While working in Cambodia a dd witnessed a grandmother with dementia, in a poor rural village, being tied to a chair outside all day, to stop her from a) wandering off, and b) messing the house with her incontinence.
The family would hose her down once a day.

We have Indian friends (in Mumbai) - the wife told me that it’s rubbish to say that in such a society people invariably look after their own. Her own mother (with dementia) was looked after in her own home 100 miles away, by two live-in carers, an arrangement (as she said) far cheaper and easier to arrange there than it would be in the U.K.
She added that such arrangements were common with those who could afford them - and you didn’t need to be particularly well off.

I also have a non Brit SiL from a Mediterranean culture, and my BiL used to say how wonderfully people from her culture looked after their elderly.

Fast forward to when FiL’s dementia was making him very difficult to cope with - SiL refused point blank to have him any more (I was doing the vast majority of it) and told me that in her country, he’d be in a home, and given drugs to make him easier to cope with.

Your own care home i mean

We always said we would never burden our children. We moved to be near them and I know now we can't expect any help. I looked after my mother but know for sure that won't happen to us. We have two boys and I think girls perhaps are more inclined to help their parents. However I did find it hard looking after my mother as she was adamant she wouldn't go into care. Eventually I had to do just that. I say go willingly but choose your own when you are ready.

Kindness costs nothing. Even if adult children either can’t, or don’t want to, offer care to their parents or parents prefer to source care from independent providers, it doesn’t stop children from showing love and kindness to their parents as they age and become more vulnerable.

Sawsage Those assessing you for care can enquire whether you owned assets in the past and if they think you gave your money away to avoid paying for care, they can claim it back from your children/grandchildren, even if they end up having to sell their houses.

I have seen people in real trouble because of this.

If you have to move into care they take all your money, house etc. I owned a house up to 3 years ago but now rent so am able to give my children\grandchildren what money I want when I want. (you don't see elderly or infirm people on the streets)

LovelyLady Why are these ‘selfish times’?

This is a modern question. Historically we looked after our parents. This is not taken for granted in these selfish times.
My family have always been caring and loving, particularly during this lockdown.
I would happily have them stay here in my dotage (there is enough room) but they wouldn’t want that and I fear I’d be in a care home. So I’ll have to ensure I effectively plan my care in the longterm.
I fortunately have cared for my grandchildren two days every week for years. That’s what love means. I don’t do it for the family to pay me back by caring for me in my later years - it’s done because I love them all.

When my Mum went in to hospital, 6 weeks before she died, she had a side ward with bathroom to herself.

However, if she needed assistance to the loo we always called the nursing staff because we knew Mum would hate us to give her personal care.
She was an auxiliary nurse in the 2ndWW and provided personal care for many, so considered that those were the people to do the job, not us.

God bless you, Mum!

Every family is different. My DD would love us to move nearer to her family (over 200 miles away). My DS is happy to live away and see us 2 or 3 times a year. I cared for both my parents and it was an honour to do so - although there were times when it got too much. We are considering moving to live near to our DD but not so she will care for us, but so that we can see more of our only grandchild. I think every family has to decide what works for them.

Since I have been I'll with my anxiety and kidneys problems .my daughter not phoned or come to wave at me at the window.last time I heard from her was Christmas day.I have phoned her a few times

I have told my three children to get me into a hospice, even if it’s respite care or pain relief.
I would be upset if they resented me by providing any kind of care. They are not trained in those areas, best leave it to the professionals.
However, I certainly do not discredit anyone taking on this mammoth task, day and night.

I live very close to daughters now and see a lot of them. They have helped me with online stuff ( am not very technical savvy) or done minor repairs etc but I am fully independent and still work part time . When I get older I won’t expect them to do anything for me that a professional could do if needed. I joke if I can’t manage put me up against the wall and shoot me! I hope by the time I die I will still be able to manage for myself

I am my husband's primary carer, through many health issues, most recently Parkinsons disease, for which he now gets some help each day. Four years ago we downsized and moved a few miles to a gff to be nearer our son and his wife and two children. Before lockdown my son told me his wife wanted to leave him, resulting in him living with us until their house could be sold and both could buy their own. It has been tough on all of us including our two grandchildren . I would never expect anything in return for the help I've given my son but family comes first.

I'm with Franbern, and so was my wonderful Mum.
When she began having occasional falls and personal care "issues" she insisted on going to live in a care home, where people were paid to do that sort of intimate care for her.
Kind, as well as paid!
She was Queen of the lovely care home for four years, and was always serene and in control when her children and grandchildren and friends came to visit her. ?

When we moved to Harrogate about 25 years ago, we left our DDs in Aberdeen, within 2 years both of them found jobs down here and have been here ever since. They won't allow me to look after the GC just now because I am extremely vulnerable, but I will ASAP! They always look out for DH and I. One lives about 1 mile away the other 4 miles away. We are very lucky to be in such a pleasant "HUB"

I wouldn’t expect it from them but my DD would almost certainly do what she could, I’ve given her much help and support with my GC since they were born which is still ongoing. My DS lives in NZ and barely contacts me already so he’d be little use if I needed anything. He did once say he’d build me a granny annex one day? but that was before he moved to the other side of the world. However it’s easy to say your don’t expect help- until you find you need it! My mother is 93 and recently widowed, she’s always been independent but now finds she needs more and more help from me ( which I’m happy to give)

I was born to look after my mom in her old age in the 1960s. I kid you not.

Its a story that is fit for any historical novel. Cut it short I did do what was expected of me.

I have ensured my eldest son does not feel responsible for his 2nd brother who has health problems when I go.

My youngsters have all been told that its not their job either to look after me.

That's very kind of you PaddyAnne . It's good that you never moved your Mum in as I think it would have changed the dynamic. My MiL wanted to live with us, but we don't have the space (or the ability to deal with her health problems ) She stayed for a short time, but we could not cope and so she now has the round the clock specialist care she needs in her own home that we arrange.

I do agree with Franbern in not wanting my own kids to do any personal care. I agree, it's a personal choice, but I wouldn't want that either.

I also agree with Amberspyglass about emotional support. I'm so sorry about your MH problems and think it's good that you've taken a step back to look after your own health. It's not your fault he dislikes therapy (don't we all!) but I agree, you should never take the place of a trained professional.

I wouldn't want my kids to do anything that would mentally or emotionally scar them. I wouldn't want to stop them earning money or taking care of their own health, either. I would prefer to pay a carer so that when I see my kids its for a happy visit when we can enjoy time in a positive way.

The thing that fills me with total horror about aging is that my adult children should ever need to provide me with personal care. Under no circumstances would I be able to live with that.
I did move to be closer to one of my daughters who always made it clear she wanted me close by to provide normal assistance and help. And, she has been really great since i moved (she is my bubble family)and is always ready to pop over to assist in normal everyday tasks. But personal care - NO WAY.
IF.....I do need that in the future, then it will be from professional carers and when I see my children and g.children (who I hope will visit me) I will be clean and sweet smelling, etc.
When the older children were teenagers, my hubbie would have falls due to his MS - often in the bathroom, and could never understand why I would not let any of the children come to assist him up in a state of undress.
I very sadly visited my two best friends, when they were in the final stages of cancer, and living in one of their children's homes. Yes, in both cases it was those children's choice, BUT I found it totally horrific, and both times, talked to my own children making them promise that they never would do this for/to me.
Sure it is a personal choice, but do not want those final memories of me to be of having to clean me up and change my clothing and bedding, etc.

I don't expect anything because if you don't expect anything you can't be disappointed

This!.