I'm at a loss

OP, there may be a support group for relatives of people with eating disorders, maybe worth a google.
i wish you n yours all the best.

I'm so very sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you.our daughter is 32 and has an eating disorder that she cannot manage at all. Her marriage is at risk now and her husband and we,her parents are desperate. We believe she has a personality disorder but until she starts treatment there's no hope. She's in the middle of a sugar craving now which means she lies and steals to get money . The website BEAT is quite helpful but you may know it already. Knowing that only the sufferer can help themselves is so very very hard.
Dear britgran,you are not alone. I hope that's some comfort.

Loving thoughts is all I can offer ?
Hope you can encourage him to get some sort of help. More research & understanding is happening with these conditions. What was available a few years ago might be different to what is suggested today.
Best wishes

I want to test this out to see if I am using the system correctly .

He does have medication but thinks he's okay and stops taking it, he has seen doctors and counsellors and was diagnosed as anorexic/bulimic, he starves then binges then purges, I have spoken to a family counsellor in the past and I do understand this is a mental illness, I cannot and will not turn my back on him whether he's 5 or 45 I'm just not sure how to help him, like an alcoholic he has to want help and he is talking to me so I am going to a make him an appointment with a psychiatrist , when he has low spells he's rock bottom in floods of tears, he adores his daughters and his wife allows him plenty of access......I'm not really sure why I posted on here probably just wanted somebody to understand.....Thank you everybody for responding x

You can't help him, you can help yourself. If you want to invest time in this my advice would be to look for help and support for yourself and your husband in order to better understand and deal with the problems your son is causing. The help needs to be for you not him. As an adult he must seek his own help, or take the consequences. I'm sorry to sound so harsh and unhelpful, but there really is nothing you can do for him that will change anything. So, change the one thing you can, how you are feeling. Best of luck

i agree with the above.
you cannot lead his life for him.
it must be a worry, but you have to accept that he is a grown man, an independent person.
if he suggests going to see his doc, you could say that's worth a try. keep it light. if you sound desperate for him to do that, he probably won't.
try to take care of yourself.

'he will withdraw from us and then we can offer him no help,' your son is ten years older than mine and an adult.
I have sought help for my son for years but he has never taken it up. His life is a mess but I no longer try and sort it out. He has left his partner and I don't know if he will keep in touch with me any more.
I am past caring. Since realising that I cannot change anything without his wanting things to change I sleep much better and I am refusing to give him headspace.
I am not responsible for his problems and you are not responsible for your son's.
Your DIL can stay with him and support him or she may decide to leave. It is just the way things are sometimes.
I agree that contacting your GP may be a good idea. I am having counselling. It helps. You can't fix other people but you can prevent yourself from sliding into disrepair. Put yourself first. I hope you find some peace soon.

I'm sorry you are having such problems related to your son britgran. I do think you need to stop using Dr Google or which ever books you are using as reference material. You are making all sorts of unfounded diagnoses which you are unqualified to do. You need to get your son to accept some professional help and support his family. You are causing unnecessary stress to yourself at the moment, try to access some support group or get help from your Dr.

There are quite a few issues surrounding your son's condition, each of them having had a knock-on effect from the original diagnosis thus mushrooming to a point of no return.

If the eating disorder had been brought under control, the other issues that followed wouldn't have occurred as sadly one condition has been used to cover up the other---hence where the lying came in.

A good long talk to the GP is in order to stop his troubled mind from getting out of hand as a normal life can't be achieved unless this is sorted.

Has he ever had treatment etc or is on any kind of medication ?