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Estrangement

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Edge26 Wed 10-Mar-21 14:19:53

I would like advice please. I have had a fallout with my Son and DIL, I have 2 small GS's 3years and 9 months who I normally see 2 times a week. I have a partner of 18 years who had always got on with my son. It's a long story and it started last year when I asked my son if he wouldn't mind not visiting on Sundays as we wanted the day to spend to ourselves. My son went absolutely ballistic and accused my partner of trying to control me which is just nonsense. My son called me some vile and horrible names and said I should put them first before my partner. I refused and this has just escalated over the months. There are to many incidents to mention, but it caused my partner to never want to speak to my son again. My son would scream and shout at my whenever we had contact about my partner always saying he is a control freak. It has got to the point now that I don't want to be alone with my son so I refuse to let him come to my house even with my GS's. At one point my neighbours called the police as he was causing a nuisance to me and my neighbours, and he had started to bombard me with constant telephone call and horrible texts. It got so bad that I had to have a solicitor's letter sent to my son as what he was doing is classed as harresment and my son was asked not to come to my house if my partner is here with me.Last week my partner had a day off work so we could go to an appointment and do other things. My son called me and asked if he could bring the GS's to mine as my DIL was'nt feeling very well and he wanted to let her have some peace. I said no, he went mad about it and said I should put them first. Another similar incident happened this week which has now resulted in them saying to leave them all alone and that I can't see my GS's. I have been suffering from really bad anxiety and stress because of all this. I finished work 4 years ago, my partner is hoping to finish himself soon so we can spend more time together. I have always tried to be there for them, looking after my first GS when DIL went back to work, and am supposed to doing the same when she goes back to work, she is furloughed at the moment. I am so upset at the thought of not being able to see my GS's, but I can't stand the thought of having to speak to my son as well. My DIL blows hot and cold with me. My family have been very supportive and say my son is out of order treating me like he has but I don't know what to do to resolve all this and AIBU. Your advice would be most welcome .

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Smileless2012 Wed 10-Mar-21 14:46:02

Your son is abusing you Edge. He's using the love you have for him and your GC as a weapon to beat you into submission. It's a ploy that too many estranged parents and estranged grand parents are all too familiar with.

He's behaving like a bad tempered child, stamping his feet and doing what ever it takes to get his own way. He expects you to put his needs and desires above your own and those of your partner, and why should you.

If your son and his wife expect you to look after their children when she returns to work, he needs to apologise unreservedly for his appalling behaviour, and she needs to stop blowing hot and cold and treat you with some respect and civility.

You ask what you can do to resolve this. All you can do is refuse to engage with either of them until things change. I totally understand that this may mean you don't see your GC, but if you don't stop this abuse it will continue and will be a constant fear and worry for you and your partner.

Be strong. Recognise that you do not deserve to be treated this way and let them know in no uncertain terms that there'll be no child care and no contact until things change.

We never knew our only GC because we were estranged by our youngest son before we ever had the chance and have been for more than 8 years.

By standing up to them you're risking never seeing your GC again but you need to ask yourself is this is the life you want for you and your partner, or if you want to be able to live in peace, without fear and abuse.

flowers.

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keepingquiet Wed 10-Mar-21 14:59:36

Hi Edge

There is a section for estrangement but I also came to this one first and had some useful advice.
My situation isn't quite the same but is even more complex than yours so I'll just try and respond as simply as I can.

It started when you said you wanted Sundays to yourselves which seems reasonable to me. Did you offer them a different day to come? Or, offer to visit them? These could have been alternatives but your son's reaction seems extreme and so it seems the whole thing was around some alpha make struggle between your son and your partner.
You don't mention your son's father in all this, or your son's in-laws. I take it they are out of the picture.
This situation has caused a rift between yourself and your son. You have a right to have a relationship with whoever you choose so your son is out of order here, clearly.
Your grandchildren will be used as leverage against you which is the situation I now find myself in.
There isn't much you can do about this at the moment and I am also still very anxious about my situation too, although not the same as yours I have also had to step away from seeing my grandchild and it breaks my heart.
You say they may need you for child care soon, which you have given before so there may be some light for you there.
Can I ask that when you provided the child care you went to their home without your partner?
Maybe there may be some leeway in your going to see them without your partner, but you say your son's anger is directed at you?
How much do you think your partner is really the catalyst in this? Does he also have children?
I am really sorry you are caught up in this.
The reason I now live alone is because my previous partner's daughter made my life unbearable and my partner did not stick up for me and eventually we split. At least you and your partner, and your family, are providing you with support.
I'm sorry I'm not sure there is a magic wand here and I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Alexa Wed 10-Mar-21 15:02:32

Edge26, your son seems not to understand normal behaviour between mother and son. Has he been under some influence from an odd friend or some unusual religious or political sect? Has your son always demanded you do what he wants you to do?

There must be some reason for your son's odd behaviour, and if you could find out what the reason is, you might be able to sort him out.

My advice is to carry on with what you are doing and at the same time let your son and daughter in law know you still want to help and love as much as you can.

It is disappointing for you especially as you deserve to have the company of your grandchildren and daughter in law, besides your son's support .

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