My Grandson does NOT love me

One of my granddaughters went through a phase of saying she only hugged men but would allow me to do a high-five with her. She had just started returning to giving hugs when covid struck. We have not see her for a year so hope she is still allowing hugs when we finally get together.

Hi Fairyamma
Just to let you know my little one year old grandson does the same thing and sometimes only wants me which I also find embarrassing. It’s complicated because it is very embarrassing but it is naturally a lovely feeling to have such a close bond. However, I am aware that this won’t always be the case and quite rightly so too. I think some of the previous comments are a little harsh but have to agree on some level. He is asserting himself and becoming a little person with a mind of his own and knows how he does and doesn’t want to be treated. I understand it might be difficult to be told by a six year old ‘you heard me’ but might he not just be repeating what may have been said to him by his parent or sibling?
I agree, just give him some space and let the relationship develop on his terms and he will come back to you. Personally I feel that a lot of us have become overly sensitive as a result of this lockdown and have time to dwell on things that may not have bothered us before. Good luck!

My dad struggled a bit with my daughter getting older and not wanting the cuddles as much as she did when she was little (she’s nine now). I did have to gently remind him that if she doesn’t want a cuddle, he needs to respect that. And I had a casual chat with her about how it must be sad for him when she’s always been so cuddly, whilst also reminding her that if she doesn’t want a cuddle that is OK. The cuddles are few and far between nowadays but she does love her grandparents. In fact, just a short time ago she was saying to me how lucky she was to have grandparents who love and spoil her so much. Strange really as my parents were never huggers when we were children!!

Wow! A lot of judgmental and unkind responses. I understand how you feel, but do think you should pull back a bit. Whatever is going on, he's being rude. Children change, but that's not permission to be unkind. He may be acting out because of Covid. I think a lot of folks have made kids neurotic about it. Just give him space, speak kindly, but don't go out of your way for him with treats or demos of affection. He may wise up if he doesn't get the normal amount of attention. You mat try reading a magazine about Legos or whatever he likes in front of him, but to yourself. He may discover a new interest in his Gran, and you can make certain he's kind and polite in the way he treats you. Don't hug or touch him unless he does it to you first. Good luck! The love of a grandchild can be very important. I know. We're huggers here. So there's never any asking. We all just hug.

I realise that this is quite hurtful but just back off a bit and give him some space ! I must admit that some of his comments are quite rude and it is his parents who should be waorried about his attitude !

Children change; he is just developing his own personality.

The saying that you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it is apt here. Going home and crying when he is not the cuddly boy you have come to expect is not a healthy response.

You are clearly deeply upset by this and that is the problem. Maybe you need to rethink this and ask why you are so upset, when really there is nothing to be so upset about. You had one relationship with him when he was smaller and now things are shifting into a new one.

This jumped out at me: someone else would try to hold him or be with him he would reach out for me and not want anyone else. As you recognised yourself, that was not really a very healthy situation, and it sounds as if you are now moving towards something more normal and sensible.

You will be a bit sad - you are saying goodbye to a relationship that meant a lot to you - but your new relationship can be just as good - but simply different. In order for it to be good you have to respond to the change in a matter-of-fact way and not show him you are upset. Don't stand for rudeness from him, but also do not smother him with behaviours that he feels he is growing out of. If you play this right you can still have a good relationship with him - just as good, but a bit different. You need to respect his development and let him fly.

And maybe fill your life with lots of good things - when this blessed lockdown is over - so that your DGS is not needed to fill any gaps in your life. That is too big a responsibility for him.

I feel very sad for you fairyamma. Whether or not you’re being a bit too affectionate we can’t tell, but for a 6 year old to say some of those things seems quite rude and more grown up that one might expect. Does anyone else hear him say these things? Sounds like he’s picking up those phrases from Eastenders or similar!!

Your grandson needs space, so you need to respect that. My nephew was affectionate till he got to be a teenager, but now he is 33 he is back to the loving person he always was.

My nephew, years ago, stopped hugs saying he would just shake hands as he was too old for them, the was 6. That's was it, a little man had appeared from nowhere and cuddles stopped. Just go with it, probably if he gets upset, falls or something he will be running for a cuddle then.

He's 6 and he's starting to untie the apron strings and on the road to becoming an independent little boy. Wait until he shows you affection and stop trying to be the important person in his life. One day when he'll be perfectly able to stand on his own two feet, you'll be glad you took a step back

I know how you feel as my grandson is at that stage at 7yo - mind you I am quite marginalised so I suspect it's the adults around him not being very mature. I have a vast experience of supporting children in schools so I know he'll come round. As as some posters have said here , he's growing up and is no longer a baby and is asserting his boundaries. I feel for you but assure you there isn't anything amiss with your grandson or you. In my case I simply know the adults around my grandsons are fairly uneducated and base so I don't let it get me down although I love my grandchildren above everything, anyone. True love for a child where we don't demand anything from them will win out in the end!

Do you think his parents got a bit jealous and played you down a bit to him, and it worked too well?

Completely agree Rolypoly!

children are what they are and it is up to us as adults to adjust to their growing needs or lack of.
when my great grandson was a baby and at our house he was mine, he wanted me to cuddle him, feed him, read to him, he would only go to sleep on me. then when he was 18 months old PaPa became his favourite person. I am still needed to change him or get him biscuits and he likes to have me around but I am not the number one person for him anymore and that is ok
Fairyamma you need to be ok with your grandson not wanting you to be first anymore. Give him the space to figure out his own little world. if you do that he will gravitate back to you. If you push him he will not.

I sympathise completely. My DGD is 5 and is not as cuddly as she once was (although my DH has always been her absolute favourite). If we ask her what she did at school she can never remember. But she always wants to come to our house (we are a childcare bubble) and getting her to leave and go home is a nightmare. Her younger brother is 2. He is the sweetest, cuddliest little being ever, but we know we are on borrowed time and that he will soon grow out of it so we make the best of it while we can. If it is any consolation, if my own ADS is anything to go by, he will revert to being loving and affectionate as he grows older. My son absolutely adored his gran and would spend hours with her.

Have you mentioned this to his mother.?

My grandson is 15 and always gives me hugs when we see each other...I always think it's appropriate to go at their pace and not force things upon them. Grand-children are individuals and their physical and emotional space should always be respected......be kind and loving towards them and they will come to you......anything resembling forcing them to do something will meet with a understandably negative reaction "get off me" etc and I don't blame them one little bit!

Try not to worry he's a big boy now or so he thinks, it could be a multitude of things you might be too full on for him at the moment try backing off no cuddles or patting his head, for now anyway treat him like a big boy (even though he isn't) my heart goes out to you I went through it with my GD they soon revert back to your beautiful GC but for now just give him what he wants, he still loves you

My eldest grandson is 13. He is a delightful boy, kind, considerate and thoughtful. He is also on the autistic spectrum. He has never enjoyed physical contact. I am pretty cuddly. We came up with a compromise, he will allow me to kiss the top of his head (in normal times) from behind. Obviously I wouldn’t do this in public. I am sure your grandson does love you, it’s just that he is finding his feet and his independence. Give him time and space and he will come round ?

Hello Hithere, I can sympathise with you to an extent. My grandson is 6 in July and I have looked after him regularly since his mum went back to work aged 9 months. I love the bones of him. Me & his grandad used to take him away in our caravan most weekends, yet he’d say things to me like I want grandad to push my pushchair, or I want grandad to pick me up etc etc. When I’d go to cuddle or kiss him 9 times out of 10 he’d push me away. Sometimes he’s really horrible to me and yet I spoil him rotten. I even asked him now he’s older if he talks to his other nana like he talks to me and he said ‘no’! I’ve had a word with my son & told him to find out why he doesn’t like me, but when asked he replied he didn’t know!! But now my son is aware of this he makes sure he says things like speak nicely to your nana or else you won’t be having an ice cream later or whatever. He also says he must give me a hug before they leave. So maybe tell your son or daughter how you’re feeling to see if they can intervene. It might help, because like you I had cried many a time over this behaviour. Good luck x?

That must be very hurtful to you. Posts about him growing up and changing may be relevant but it could also have something to do with your relationship with his parents. I had a period when my son in law seemed quite jealous about my grandson wNting to be with me all the time. He had very subtle ways of expressing that and children wsnt to please their parents. Has anyone heard his rude remarks to you and did they comment ? Try give your poor grandson the space to sort this out. And be there for him when he does. Hang in there

It's his age, he's showing independence. He will think of himself as past the baby stage, he won't be into hugging for a while, same with his friends. I have 2 sons and 6 grandchildren, 3 boys and 3 girls. They have all gone through this.
The eldest is 18 and was standoffish till he got to 16/17 and spontaneously gives hugs and is affectionate again. Your grandson loves you, always will. He's just doesn't want to be treated as a baby, as he sees it.

fairyamma

My grandson is almost 6 he and I have always had a very close bond up until the age of 4 he wanted me and no one else it was sometimes embarassing when someone else would try to hold him or be with him he would reach out for me and not want anyone else.
For about the last year he has had a very bad attitude towards me, I do not see him doing it to anyone else!
It is killing me....when I try to hug him he tells me : not now" if I ask him a question he says " you heard me" and lastly this week when I patted him on the head he first gave me a dirty look and then said " your annoying me" I am not going to lie I went home later that night and just cried
I LOVE my grandson and I do not want him to feel this way towards me.....if anyone can help me out I would appreciate it.....

Let him breath. He does not need hugs at the moment, and is branching out and finding his feet.
Do not smother him.
He will love you when he is ready

It sounds like the family are having a very hard time dealing with the privations of the pandemic lock down.

I also think that perhaps his parents are arguing for much the same reason, and he is acting out on you what he sees at home. We have seen a big rise in domestic violence.

If that is true, then the situation with all of you is a really serious one. Six year olds do not have the vocabulary to tell you just what is happening, and many children try to get help and communicate in the way your grandson is trying to either tell you about his situation or asking for your help.

There is always a reason why people do the things they do, especially in children who do not have the capacity to speak against their parents and other relatives, but they are canny enough to know when a situation is getting worse and they need to get help without raising angst against his parents. Only a professional can help you. Many people can see what is going on, but very few are trained to help you resolve it. In this lockdown situation, many trained counsellors are working online or by telephone, and many do not charge for the first consultation.

Your situation must surely not be isolated, so trained counsellors must have a lot of experience during this lock down, and you could try asking them.

Well said Joyfulnanna.I can understand fairyamma having a weep. Many people are feeling extra emotional in the currrent situation.