My son and GD have fallen out with each, has anyone been in a similar situation?

I may be cynical, but could the late interest on the part of your ex~DIL have anything to do with the diagnosis of Autism - and a possible DLA/PIP entitlement?

It is very difficult for you I can understand. But you need to look at the long term situation. The best thing I think is to be friends and supportive to both your son and your grand daughter , but make it clear to both of them you are not taking sides nor are you going to tell either of them private information you have received from the other. However if you see or hear a change in their attitudes you could suggest yourself as a channel for them. It is difficult to change your mind once in that situation and even if you wish to change you may hesitate in case you would be rebuffed. So you have the ability to say to each of them that you think the other person would be prepared to meet or you might get them to write a letter and you could hold the letter for the other person. Finally , but it could be risky, you could invite them both to somewhere neutral, such as a cafe that you all like and place yourself somewhere where the second person wont see the first until quite close to you. They then have the choice of turning round and leaving or coming towards you. Even if it is a bit stiff and awkward they are less likely to argue or make a scene in public. Only you would know if it was something that might work or if it would just alienate them from you too. You can still say to each of them how sad you personally feel that they are separated, but dont ask for reasons or blame one or the other. Just let them know that you care about them both. Also should you all know someone who has been in a crash or sadly died , that is obviously a situation that makes people think and is the opportunity to say again How sad that they never saw their ... again. Whilst your son may have thought of such situations probably your grand daughter hasnt as young people tend to see themselves as invincible and immortal. I hope things improve for you all , but you will know you have done your best and by not being involved with the actual quarrel you give both of them someone to speak to and you are doing your best for everyone and at least in the future you can be comforted by the fact that you did what you could.

Your GF is 25 surely schools must have identified some issues as to her autism. I acknowledge there are many levels. How did she cope when she took off at 16? Perhaps there is a much bigger mental health problem in that she is now with the parent she had nothing to do with for so long. Express how sad you are at the situation then leave it at that. She is 25, an adult.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Has others have said all you can do is keep tight lipped and say nothing.because it can back fire on you. You just have to be supportive of them both and I’m sure they will work it out in time. As for ex daughter inlaw Say nothing if she is to blame she could do the same to you. These ex daughter inlaw can be come very bitter and twisted and use grandkids like weapons

My son and daughter are constantly at loggerheads. It used to bother me, but now, I just let them get on with . They hardly see each other. Both have very strong personalities. It’s sad....I hope they will be civil to each other at my funeral ...?

I agree with many others here that you need to keep your distance, don't take sides and never assume that you know what went on in their family.
All you can do is remain friendly and civil to your granddaughter (to all of them) and let her know your door is always open
One day she will work it all out for herself
Sometimes our sons and daughters don't behave as we would like them to, there are always two sides to every story
If possible encourage your son to remain available and openly honest with his daughter
Horrible being caught in the middle and feeling helpless to sort out their problems but you may well be the rock they all cling to when they are lost

Alis52

Staying out of it is wise but your suggestion that your son should see a therapist himself is a good idea. Might help him enormously in understanding what’s going on.

I agree with this too, it is very good advice.

Keep your relationship with your Granddaughter separate to your son for the time being. I'm sure it will all work itself out eventually.

Staying out of it is wise but your suggestion that your son should see a therapist himself is a good idea. Might help him enormously in understanding what’s going on.

I would stand WELL BACK - as others have said, stay neutral and don't take sides (it will be held against you in the future - have seen it happen too many times). families fall out, things are said, but, eventually, the dust will settle. Be available to both of them, listen, support where needed but STAY OUT. They must settle it themselves. As others have said - read up on autism and the rigid thinking and behaviour that can be a part of it - that might help you understand (but not interfere in) what's going on.

Semiruralgirl, you have my sympathy. For what its worth, I am in a similar but opposite position! GD has fallen out with her mum, my ex-DIL, but is on good terms with her dad who is my son. I understand that during GD's teenage years there was a certain amount of parent alienation going on from my ex-DIL which backfired once GD was no longer living with her mum!

I am on good terms with both GD (now 27), and ex-DIL surprisingly. I stay neutral, and all I have tried to do, especially now GD is expecting her first baby, is to encourage them to talk to each other even if it's an armed truce, though at the moment that's not going to happen!! (Ex-DIL knows nothing about the baby which upsets me, but GD says she doesn't want her mum to know.) They both know that I won't say anything to the other and keep confidences, and both know I'm there if they need to talk and that I am willing to act as a go-between/peacemaker.

I don't have the issue of autism to add to the mix, but with several grandchildren well on the autistic spectrum, I do know something of the difficulties this can cause.

My attitude of staying neutral and being there for any of those involved seems to be best for now, and is keeping possible lines of communication open. Sometimes that's hard, but I would recommend that's what you do as well, and be prepared to help if requested.

I have been in a similar situation. My GD 18 yrs flips between both parents. I am on good terms with everyone as best I can and GD recently came to stay with me after leaving Dads says he threw her out He says she left. She is back with Mum and knows there is an open door here if she needs respite for them all. In this case though she is the mature sensible one and Mum and Dad (my son) have always been at logger heads. It works well to listen to everyone and say little.

Everybody needs a "safe" space, especially if you also have other issues that make communication difficult which is what ASD suffer with most. Your DGD has obviously found that safe space with you and you would be wise to keep that as the status quo otherwise she will have nowhere.
That doesn't mean you have to be accepting of everything but the way you handle it will be crucial. You can explain that you love both your son and your grandson so you don't want either of them hurt. You can make suggestions that your DGD should write her hurt down and tell her father how he could make it right. However, at the end of the day, it is her decision as to handle this and you can only wait it out. You can only reiterate that you will always be there for both of them and you won't take sides.
Unfortunately, a late diagnosis of ASD means that your DGD has not had the help whilst she was developing to assist her in less rigid thinking so it will be difficult to make real changes in her behaviour. However, it does mean that the adults in her life know that she will not be able to help how she sees the world in a major way. It is incumbent upon them to do the research to find out what ASD is all about and how to cope with it. Even then, you meet one ASD person and find a way through but the next ASD person will probably be entirely different. If affects people in different ways.

I would certainly remain neutral, but I would make sure that my GD knew how sad the situation was making me.

I should think the most normal thing for you to do if you don’t understand is to ask your GD why. Listen to her. It’s not up to you to give judgment but at least you might understand, empathise or not. It is your business

"GD leaves him quite unpleasant phone messages and texts and says she doesn’t want to speak to him again..." as soon as she did it the second time, she gainsaid herself.

Goodynanny- do you need to make a new thread with this question?

She may well just be 'kicking off' against her recent diagnosis- as she could be 'in denial' and finding it hard to accept? She may come to terms with it and calm down, but its hard to have that thrust on you when you've grown up not realising you have it i would think? And you don't know what her mums been saying either- maybe 'suggesting' either her dad knew, or he should have found out sooner etc.? All things that would might make her turn against him? But for now, at least, hold your tongue- she may reveal more over time about what her mum is saying- or not- then it will be clearer maybe, why she's like this all of a sudden, with her dad.But unless she volunteers info you must just stay neutral, and friendly.

Message withdrawn, posted on the wrong thread.

No dont get involved, just stay neutral.There could be reasons she feels justified in this (could it be her parents both knew she was autistic, and kept it from her, for example?, or at least her dad did, but mother thought she knew?)- or it could, as you say, be her mum making trouble- in any other way- but if she has done similar (by 'taking off') in the past, then try just wait & see, it may all just blow over as suddenly as it came.All you can do is be there for them both really, and at least your son gets to know she's ok, through you.I too don't understand why she texts, etc. if she isn't talking to her dad, but unless she brings up the subject first, its hard to broach that subject without her falling out with you too..just tell your son to try ignore it to an extent, she's just venting her anger i guess, much like a stroppy teenager would?- he might benefit from the counselling himself, and one day his daughter may eventually come to agree to it, you never know.If not at least it may help him understand a bit- can he find one who specialises in autistic relationships? It may help him understand why she is as she is towards him??

The turn a blind eye why?
If its causing upset it should be addressed.
You now know your granddaughter is autistic this explains some of the issues that are being encountered. (Read up about this condition)
Its a shame that your son and ex daughter in law can't have a talk about whats going on.
It would be right for you to have a discussion with your granddaughter about what your seeing from your end .
Talk to her find out more.

By getting involved you will achieve in all likelihood nothing but separating yourself from either your GD or son.

Stay neutral.

And for heaven’s sake don’t talk badly or express your suspicions about the mother

I agree with the others, keep out of it. It’s hard to see your son being unhappy but GD is highly likely to see any intervention from you as interference.

I agree with the others. Don’t get involved, hard as it is. It could just end up backfiring on you.

Maintain your contact with your granddaughter but stay neutral and do not get involved.
If she has recently been diagnosed with autism she may have been offered counselling, and this may have triggered relationship issues.