10 year old Granddaughter

I have one who is eleven. She has lived with us on and off, and is doing so now with her mum and siblings.
We have always been very close, done lots of things together, and she knows I’ve always got her back.
But now, everything is boring, she’s become lazy and uninterested, and I miss her lovely enthusiasm, and her sunny smile.
I’m assuming it’s a mixture of hormones and lockdown, but I do know how you feel.

Maybe the hormones are starting earlier now. They will affect her behaviour no doubt. Could you possibly ask for her to stay alone, so you will get a chance to chat with just the two of you there? She might open up if she is alone with you and you keep the conversation light but friendly with no pressure on her to tell you all her problems. Although hopefully she will.

That was my thought too Chestnut A more grown-up stay on her own.
Also it might be that she enjoys the time away from her sister?

My DM used to have my DDs separately & we all enjoyed the different dynamics.

now she's in double figures she is probably becoming more self-conscious.
you can't expect her to be as you were at that age, she is an individual, and just beginning to make decisions about how she wants to live and spend her time.
you can remain friendly and welcoming, but beware of trying to guilt-trip her into activities.
your use of the word stroppy indicates a lack of respect. just because she is not doing what you would like, or relating to you in the way you would like, it is not fair to label her thus.

Maybe try and change up the way you communicate with her? My dad has the best relationship with both of my DC, and he regularly texts rather than calls them because that is what their generation is more comfortable with. He often times would know more about their social lives/friends etc than I would because of this. I know it doesn’t substitute seeing her in person, but it is a way to stay connected and hopefully give her that friendly shoulder should she ever need it.

Hormones are kicking in earlier with some girls these days. When I worked in Primary we had girls starting their periods in Years 5 and 6. The odds are that she's starting to feel the effects of hormones even if she's not near to starting her period yet.

Chestnut

Maybe the hormones are starting earlier now. They will affect her behaviour no doubt. Could you possibly ask for her to stay alone, so you will get a chance to chat with just the two of you there? She might open up if she is alone with you and you keep the conversation light but friendly with no pressure on her to tell you all her problems. Although hopefully she will.

Chestnut, I’ve asked GD a few times if she would like to stay over without her younger sister, but she said she likes to stay home. However she is keen on going on a shopping spree with me when things get back to normal so hopefully that will help.
I’ve told her a few times that I’m always here for her if she needs anything. xx

Amanda
Nothing works like a shopping spree, we used to go by train to the nearest city, I would stand around all day while she tried things on, we’d spend an hour in Waterstones buying books, and have a nice lunch somewhere.
It will be about eighteen months since we did that, but have a day out planned on the bank holiday.

Don't forget that not everyone is a talker. In the nicest possible way, it's a bit simplistic to think granddaughter has a problem, she will come and talk to you, and all will be well again. She is working through life in her own way, and maybe that will mean talking to you but maybe it won't. It sounds like she knows you are there if she wants to talk so I would just leave it at that.

It’s natural to want the same relationship you had with your own Nans, but I think the reality might be that you’re just not her “go-to” person at the moment.

Sometimes it’s an aunt, a godmother, a friends mum. There’s no forcing that special connection I’m afraid.

That doesn’t mean things won’t change?

I agree with others - just because you want that closeness doesn’t mean she will. Enjoy the relationship you have without trying to force it into a different mould.

I think it’s true, possibly she isn’t a talker, my daughter and I both worry that my granddaughter would never confide in anyone if something was wrong.
But it doesn’t mean you can’t be sad about it, I remember when she was fizzing with enthusiasm for everything, now it’s a job to get her out of bed.

You're describing my 11 year old down a T!
It's hormones, they have hit earlier thats all. My DD is exactly the same.
It's just their age.

Amanda, if she won't stay overnight then aim for just a visit or an outing. Find out what her hot button is, that is what she's most interested in, so you can talk about that. Maybe buy or make something connected with it. It was a good suggestion to communicate in her way, by text or maybe video calls, but don't pester her, maybe a little conversation by text one day and then nothing the next day. You will be keeping the lines of communication open by doing that. Don't go without contact for more than a week or you'll lose that connection.

Peasblossom

It’s natural to want the same relationship you had with your own Nans, but I think the reality might be that you’re just not her “go-to” person at the moment.

Sometimes it’s an aunt, a godmother, a friends mum. There’s no forcing that special connection I’m afraid.

That doesn’t mean things won’t change?

Peasblossom,
I understand what you’re saying, sadly there aren’t any other female members in the family. It’s pretty much my daughter, son in law, 2 GDs and my husband. My Daughter doesn’t do friends.
Hopefully GD will find her own ‘go to’ person in the future, I’m not worried that it’s not me.

That’s a shame. I had older cousins ? My daughter had a teacher she really related to. Both grandmas were dead sadly.
But grandpa became flavour of the month when she was in her twenties?

Things change. Hang on in ?

I guess the key is to focus on what she is interested in and never to judge or criticise her. Put a positive spin on everything. I find telling them stories about stupid things I did as a youngster amuses them and makes them realise that I am human and made mistakes too. I'm thinking more about how to communicate with a teenager, I realise she's still quite young.

RE; hormones here in the US girls are starting puberty as young as 9 years old. That may be different in the UK as I believe it has to do with hormones and crap in our food, but that is a different thread.

She sounds like an introvert who has further comforted herself during the last year by withdrawing more.

Everyone has given great advice. Your best bet is to accept that your relationship has changed and keep trying to connect with her where you can as Chestnut suggested. You will find that spark, and then it will change as fast as it found it.

Just be available without expectations. When she needs you she will know you are a safe space.

Hi my granddaughter is the same, she was 10 in March but her parents are divorced and when my son her daddy rings her she’s not chatty but when she comes to visit she talks but it’s like it’s such an effort. Even her mum and step dad said she doesn’t talk unless she has to. But we’re put it down to her age and covid. I’ve a step grandson also 10 and he’s just the same lol don’t forget their bodies are changing so are they hormones,so I wouldn’t fret too much. I just keep ringing her and texting her and chatting. I know one day I will get a conversation back ?

I think it’s a lot to do with hormones, her periods have started, which she won’t discuss at all. I asked her if she chatted about it with her friends, she gave me a look which could only be described as incredulous, of course not!!
But I thought I would pop back with a few words of encouragement, she has shown signs of normal behaviour this week, we watched about ten episodes of Some American series she’s into one night, and I can hear her and her friend upstairs chatting and giggling, that sounds good.

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I don’t know what else has been said, but ten isn’t too young for stroppy moods. Hormones can start changing earlier than that. I knew girls who started their periods at that age, and that was 50 years ago. With the onset of the pill etc, it’s brought it even earlier for girls/ women in subsequent generations.

Try not to worry. Be yourself, and she’ll most likely come back. Just enjoy her sister for now.