Ex daughter in law

The contact has to be between the two of them. Not you and her. If you have any concerns or issues regarding the children during their time with you you contact your son.
I’m sorry you lost a relationship with someone you cared for.
Divorce affects a lot more people than just the couple.
But you do need to respect her decision.

I have been in her position. You have clearly been told not to contact her and she is not responding to any of your overtures. Do you contact her when the grandchildren are with her? Although it is kind of you to want to keep in touch, I think the message given is clear. She is perhaps finding the situation raw and doesn't want to be reminded. If you must, send one last message acknowledging her and telling her you'll leave her alone but she can contact you if she wants to. Then disengage.

Leave it well alone. She's telling you clearly by ghosting you that she herself doesn't want contact. (I'm sorry if that's hurtful, but you have no option but to accept it.)

You cannot undermine your son without alienating him and probably causing him real distress. If you go against his obviously clearly stated wishes, you run a strong risk of him stopping bringing his children to you.

In his position I'd certainly stop the contact if I felt I couldn't trust you not to follow my wishes about MY children and MY ex-wife. It's just not your place to intervene.

Just enjoy your grandchildren while you see them and be very grateful that your son still has so much input in their lives : it could have been much worse and you'd not have contact at all!

It is good that you've wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with your ex d.i.l. but as this is clearly not what she wants, I would leave it be Gigi.

I agree - leave it.
In time things may well improve between you but not just now.

I haven't kept contact with my ex DiLs even though I had a good relationship with them. One in particular I missed very much but it was clear she didn't want to continue being in contact with me.
It is your GCs and your son who are most important and you have to let your DiL go.

Your son is right.

They are no longer together.

it could seem, and maybe to her feel, intrusive.
best to leave it.
you are lucky to still have contact with GC.
maybe just include her in xmas card addressed to GC and her.

What does ghost you mean ? what a strange term why can’t we say what we mean any more

BlueBelle

What does ghost you mean ? what a strange term why can’t we say what we mean any more

Ghosting is a colloquial term which describes the practice of ending all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said person.

It’s a valid and commonly used word. The OP used it in the right context and said exactly what she means.

i think it's new-speak for blanking a person.

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It is a shame when this happens but if she clearly ignores you that’s what she wants. Your son tells you to not have contact because it is again what she wants. It is an awkward situation but at least you see the grandchildren.

We are in in a similar position. It’s been 18 months since my son and his wife split. We love her very much, and are sad to lose her. The circumstances of the split are complicated.

Gradually...over time, its become clear she doesn’t want contact with us. Totally understandable.

We have to honour and respect that. She will always be special. She is the mother to two of our grandchildren. More than that, we just have to accept.

Ps, I always think ‘ ghosting’ sounds like it would mean watching from a distance....a kind of harassment. I can’t keep up with the new English language!

I think (am guessing) it’s probably an American expression which drifted over the waterline so much else

Water not line!

Like

I will leave now as quiet as a ghost!

I cannot use that word ,it doesn't apply correctly to the situation

This takes time, but I'm sure she will come to value the open channel of communication so keep going. Things will thaw.

Your son has said not to contact her and she is ignoring you.

How many more reasons do you have to have not to get in touch with her?
I’m sure when her children are with you, she either knows via your DS or she doesn’t care.

I can’t see what is so wrong with saying ‘she is ignoring us’ why do we feel the need to be ‘up there’ with American expressions let’s say it as is understandable to everyone

If she is ignoring your messages and your son doesn’t want you to contact her surely you ve got the message loud and clear …step down from being an unwelcome messenger

Gigi57, there's nothing worse than being pestered by someone you'd rather not be in contact with. When the kids are with you, just contact their father - and leave her alone!