Should I warn my grandchildren's parents about my ex-husband?

This is hard because if he’s into adult porn he hasn’t actually done anything wrong or illegals if your sure it’s never children So the main worry is is the stuff still left lying around
So a few questions
Are you divorced?
Apart from this was he a good husband /father ?
What’s your relationship like now? presumable if you’re all visiting it’s a good if distant relationship ?
How long has he been out your house and how did you explain his absence to your children ?
I m surprised your adult children don’t know anything about it?
What’s been happening with their visits to their father
up to now?why has it suddenly become a problem?

Can you tell the father that if ever the children or grandchildren see any of this stuff on their visits you will explain to them why he’s no longer with you and they ll probably choose to never visit again

how can you be sure of the age of the people he was sending dick pics to. could have been under age.
either way he showed little regard for the well-being of his own 4 small children to leave such stuff lying around, repeatedly.
how do you get on with the D/SILs. might it be easier to broach the subject with them; ask are they likely to be visiting his house, if so, children need to be closely supervised.
you might find it easier to speak to them, as another parent, re what you had to do.
if you talk to your own DCs, it could get mixed up with when they were small.
i don't know, just a thought.
the children's welfare is paramount.
i thin it has to be addressed, somehow. good luck.

I agree with Welbeck, much easier to talk to in laws than to offspring. Your children might think you were trying to put a spoke in their relationship with their father.

Grannycool52. Your concern about your ex-husband, who you make very clear is not a paedophile, suggests to me that the adult porn he was looking at was not the ordinary run-of-the-mill material, but material at the extreme end possibly involving sado-masochism.

This is why you say The professionals I went to for advice told me what I already knew, that there was a real risk that my children could be damaged if they saw this stuff. One said he would call social services and this is why you are so rightly worried about your grandchildren.

My reaction is that if your children have been going to his house as an adult, and he was still using the type of pornography you saw and leaving it lying around, then they would be limiting contact between their children and him anyway. I think they would feel like you do about, and may not be aware that you know of it as well.

If they are have never seen anything lying around the house to cause concern then whatever else he is or is not doing, he is not leaving it around the house for anyone to see.

I think you do need to do something, but I wonder whether a written communication might be better, because it gives them all a chance to sit and think before they respond to you.

It should be neutrally worded, just saying that one of the reasons you marriage failed was because their father became addicted to porn and used to leave pornographic material of an extreme variety all over the house that professional advisors told you could be deeply damaging if seen by children. Emhasise, that there is absolutely no suggestion of him being interested in children.

Then just say you think that you have to let your children know, as now they have children, your ex as their grandfather will naturally want to see them and they may find, at least at first they need to be wary of anything the children might see. You could then accept(and hope) that he may have dealt with this addiction and there will be no dangers in the house and that grandchildren and grandfather can have a happy and close relationship.

I think you need to keep the tone cool so that there is no air of you trying to 'get' at him and express that wish that all may be OK and granchildren and grandfather will have a good relationship and tell them, you are willing to say more if they ask.

Presumably they’ve been around without you there before. If so, either they know about it or he doesn’t do it anymore/keeps it discreetly hidden.

I wouldn’t get involved - it certainly sounds like a porn addiction which must have been so horrible to have dealt with as a wife, but he hasn’t actually done anything illegal.

Weird story. Why would you not have told your children when they were old enough. All that porn with you removing things from his house so your children didn't see it. Not sure I believe this is genuine. If it is then f..k yes get them told! None of my kids would be in this situation as he would have been gone from their lives as soon as I found stuff lying around. Protect your grandchildren! If you don't tell your kids and they find out then you run the risk of being estranged from them.

Thank you all very much.
I wrote a detailed reply to BlueBell's queries earlier but it seems to have disappeared!
Briefly, I have been divorced 15 years and none of my children, as far as I know, visited their father's house, instead meeting him for meals out, etc. It's only since the grandchildren have arrived, in the last 5 years, that there has been talk of invitations to his home.
I have read all your very helpful responses carefully. I will think about your comments and suggestions and come to a decision very soon. Thanks again.

Elaine1, yes it's genuine. I am a regular on Gransnet.

In that case I’d definitely give them a heads up.

You cannot tell the parents about avoiding visits to their father's house - it is up to the parents to allow it or not.
All you could do is tell them that their father has a pornography addiction but...

How old were your kids when you divorced their father? How old were they when your then husband started leaving items everywhere?

I am sure your kids already know about it.
Kids are way smarter and perceptive than we think.

Tell them, but you can say it in away that doesn’t sound critical....
Something along the lines of .... ohh just to forewarn you ...
best wishes

I think there are 2 possibilities
1. Your children know and haven't discussed it with you -in which case it is up to them to decide if their children visit.
2. Your children don't know and he has hidden it well in which case he would continue to do so for the grandchildren.
It may be different for each of your children either way you need to do nothing.

This is clearly worrying you, so yes, you do need to do something.

Tell your children why you divorced their father and leave it to them to decide whether they want their children to perhaps see adult porn.

If they have a good relationship with their father, one of them can surely say casually, "Are you still into porn, Dad, or is Mum making this up? I don't want my children seeing girlie mags. so tidy up before we come, will you?"

I would speak to my children. I'd say something like "just so you know, he always used to use lot of porn, so just check out what's visible if you do go over with the children".

It will do them less harm to be warned in advance than to stumble upon it suddenly during any visits, so yes, I'd say something. Far better to pre-empt in my opinion.

That sounds like a reasonable thing to say NotSpaghetti nothing too heavy.

Yes. I think a "friendly heads-up" is the best way to go.
If they asked questions I'd tell more, but, without minimising, wouldn't make it the big thing it obviously was. I would just make statements of fact rather than "judemental" ones.
"Oh yes, I always rushed round clearing it up before you came in" or whatever.

Lots of good advice on here already, what a dilemma.

I do feel the need to respond though to the suggestion that the OP talk to the in-laws instead of her adult children. No, no, no! I made the mistake of sharing a concern I had with my DIL's mother, who went straight to her daughter with a version of what I had said. It caused no end of trouble and I learnt the hard way not to assume that just because I am talking to someone of my own age group, that they can be trusted to act with intelligence and suss.

I would tell my adult children in a matter of fact way of the situation and potential exposure of the children to seeing pornographic material (as others have said).

Oops, I realise I misread the post I am referring to suggested talking to the adult children's spouses.

(But my feelings about talking to an in-law counterpart stands, unless you know them well and they are sensible).

I would say something,fore warned is fore armed.
Just don`t say it in a critical manner.

I agree with NotSpaghetti. It sounds like he used to have unacceptable boundaries, so maybe mention that

I’m all for honesty. If it were me, I would tell them. The repercussions of not telling them, and then something happening to one of your grandchildren are too awful to contemplate.
What they then do with that information is up to them. My guess is, they already know, or they’ll wonder why you didn’t say anything earlier.
You know him, and we don’t, but I wouldn’t ever assume he hasn’t digressed into child pornography. Keep them safe. Tell them.

Thank you Everyone. Your thoughtful replies have really helped. I am going to talk to them all within the next week.
I am ready to close this thread now and deal with this as best I can. Thank you.

All the best. Let us know how it goes.