Naming of step grandparents

It was never acceptable in my family to call any older adult member by their first name even when I was 60+. They seemed to regard it as undermining their status as did my parents when I tried it.

In my family one cousin had 8 grandparents and they called them by their name as in Granny Smith or Granpa John

GrannyRose15

I think you should let your daughter know that this is upsetting your husband. I agree he should not be called anything he does not like - nobody should.

You may find that the child herself starts to use a pet name for him when she starts to talk which will solve the problem and no doubt delight him.

I must say I disagree. “He doesn’t have to be called anything he doesn’t like”. Perhaps but he also can’t demand to be grandpa or any of the alternatives- because he is in fact not grandpa . It’s obvious her daughter doesn’t think of him
As her father , so doesn’t think of him as a grandfather either. And you know
What? That’s okay! It doesn’t have to mean she doesn’t care for him
Or
That he doesn’t love the little girl
- but it means he’s not grandpa .

This is an old thread but may still be relevant for some. I had a step-grandmother (GM had died before I was born and my grandfather married again). She was always Auntie A to me, not any kind or Grandmother name. She wasn't a gran type anyway and I never really thought of her as a grandmother.

On the other hand I have a friend who is a step-grandmother and is known as Granny M to her step-grandchildren, which is what she wants and she acts like a granny!

I suppose it depends on the family and the type of relationship the children have with the step-gran. If the "real" gran on that side is still alive, I can see that calling by first name may be preferable and avoid confusion is mind of child. Of course the same issues apply to naming of step-parents.

I was asked what I wanted to be called and said that I was content for DSGS to decide in his own time what to call me. I was however clear that I did not want to be called Grandma or any variant of that, firstly because I am not his grandmother, however much I might wish to be, and secondly because his grandmother on that side has mental health issues and there is a long history of issues of one sort or another. I was determined that I would not be seen to step on her toes at all.

Sadly, this has been interpreted by SD and DH as a complete lack of interest on my part, which is very far from the truth to be honest, and the two of them have basically excluded me from DSGS's life. They communicate by WhatsApp and FaceTime at the only point in the week that I can be guaranteed to be out.

This is a minefield and there don't appear to be any winners. In the end, it's whatever works for you.

All the grandads in our family are grandad X, Y or Z regardless of their being blood or step GPs. Same for grandmas too.

45 years ago my best friend’s granny’s husband was Uncle Mike to her grandchildren, despite her being widowed young. He was a pompous, self important man (former headmaster) and even he didn’t seem to have a cob on about this.

Why is this such a big deal for the two of you? He isn’t their grandfather and it really is up to the parents whether they want him to have a grandparent name.

Your husband needs to put his bottom lip back in.

I can see this from both the parent and grandparent perspective having been in both those spots. For my own children, both sets of grandparents had divorced and remarried. My kids grew up thinking that everyone had 6 or 8 grandparents. We called all of them by their grandparent gender and their first name (Grandma Lucy, Grandpa Richie, Grandma Ronnie, etc) They knew them as couples and the marital arrangements were explained later as they got older and understood relationships in greater depth. Now, my husband and I are divorced and my granddaughter has my dil parents (still together) that she calls "MeMa" and "Poppa" and she just calls me "Grandma" or "Grandma Terri" and calls my ex and his wife Grandpa and Grandma. It kinda irks me that she calls the new wife Grandma also, but I try to look at it as it's not a bad thing to have so many people love her and as long as she knows that I love her, that is what is important to me. My own kids were loved by all of their grandparents whether step or by blood. She could call me anything at all and I'd be happy to hear it out of her precious little mouth!
Focus on the child and try to put the rest of it out of your mind.

I am a step-mother, my step daughter was 11 when I married her Dad, I went on to have 3 more children with him, and I already had a child first who was 9 when we married.

My step daughter is the only one with a child, I am, and always will be, his Granny. My husband is Grandpa and her step father is Grandad x

Actually Eazybee, you may be right - all these years and I had never thought of that. Thank you.

Brazenp75, perhaps your stepson's mother was in the photograph and was uncomfortable with you there.

Ukcarolm

Hi Suzandy7 has your hubby found something he'd prefer to be called yet? Do let us know the outcome.

I don’t think OP is bothered about what we all think as she has not returned, which is odd as she asked a question.
Very bad manners in my view.

On the day my step son got married there was a call for a family photograph from the photographer, my ss's new wife turned to me and said 'not you, you're not family'. I've never forgotten it and neither have my own children. So hurtful, and my ss's children are not allowed to call me grandma or anything similar. We've now been married nearly 30 years........

Hi Suzandy7 has your hubby found something he'd prefer to be called yet? Do let us know the outcome.

My grandchildren and great grandchildren and step great grandchildren call all the grandparents as Nanny (name) or Grandad (name). Therefore no confusion and still keep the respect!

Perhaps special names can be used? My eldest grandson named us as Aggie and Gabba - when he first started talking. These names have stuck - as all the others following on, from different families, call us that too. It works well - Doesn’t cause any aggro between families and we like it! Try not to stress about it - your grandchild might just sort it for you! X

oops The first message did not post - gave me an error 507 or something so I have done 2 content essentially the same. My first time commenting on here so apologies

Hi Suzandy7. There are many varients for the word Granddad in English that might not antagonise other family members, and even more in foreign languages, but I think your best bet would be to test the waters by cultivating a pet name. A pet name grows over time from bonding activities such as Tats, when someone takes a child out a lot, or Big Chef (as opposed to little Chef) if they cook together a lot, or any other bonding activity shared. It may last a few years or a lifetime but these personalised monicas are far more intimate and meaningful than any formal title. I hope you both can see there is far more scope for bonding in grandparenting than a name. After all, to quote the Bard, a rose would smell as sweet if called something else. The important thing is the bond between your other half and a child, whose developement should come first. Children pick up tensions like a magnet and they could do without that in their formative years. I wish you well whatever the outcome.

My step grandchildren call me by my first name (as do my step children) but relate to me as a grandma for care, cuddles,chat etc. I would not want to be called "auntie" by them because it is not the correct relationship and also I have my brother's children and grandchildren who all call me auntie.

My DGD's call my husband Grandad and my ex husband Grandad too but when needed define them by Grandad Steve or Grandad Kev it works for them .
My husband adores the girls and is just happy to see them like myself

What a sad situation. It’s sometimes difficult when you are a “step parent”
I do feel if your husband dislikes “uncle” then maybe as said previously ( some in kinder ways than others….) that maybe use his Christian name. I for instance am “Dee dee” but I was lucky enough to have been consulted and we discussed options. My dil had sadly lost her mother so I didn’t expect a “title” and am very happy with the chosen name, but I guess that’s because we talked about it and agreed together. I hope you can settle this without any upset. Good luck ??

“ I think the idea of Pops or GrandadX is a good compromise”

How is it a compromise when the child’s parents have made it clear they don’t want to use granddad etc.

Respect their wishes !

I think the idea of Pops or GrandadX is a good compromise for the sake of family harmony.
I am a step grandparent and I called by my first name. I do not want to be called Nan or Gran. I have a good relationship with my stepson who I have known for over 20 yrs - he calls me by my first name too.
My husband's ex would not be happy if I was called Gran but that's not why I prefer to be called by my name. She was insistent on being called Granny and did not want her son's MIL to be called that - MIL opted for another variant.She has insisted that her husband has a title which is Pops. My husband couldn't care less about such things.

My mum always called her stepmum 'Mary' as her dad was widowed when she was a teenager. Mum was running the house at the age of 14. She taught Mary most of what she knew after her dad remarried as Mary had never left home and still lived with her parents 'til she married my Grandpa. However Mum's younger brother, who was a toddler when their mum died, called Mary 'Mum' despite having spent much of his very young life with his aunt while his mum was dying.
We called her 'Nana' and my children called her 'Great Nana' We always understood that she was not a blood relative but that didn't make her anything less, just different. Her dad, who lived with them in his later years, was 'Grandpa Webster'. The only reason we perhaps were less close to her was that she never had her own children, and she wasn't confident with children. We all adored her husband, my Grandpa!
When I became a granny I didn't want the title Nana as I associate it with someone who was slightly awkward around young children. Both myself and my DiL's mum wanted to be 'Granny' and my son said that was OK as we will just be Granny C and Granny H or possibly full surnames. Our grandson is too young to call us anything yet and he may choose to distinguish between us in some other way. At the moment all our contact is on video call as they live abroad, so we don't know if he has much understanding of who we are anyway. Hopefully that will change over the summer when they come to the UK for a few months, when he will be 9 months old +.
There are so many options for titles that I would imagine there could be a suitable one found that would be better than 'uncle' but the OP's DD has her reasons for not wanting her child to use ' Grandpa' and these need to be respected. Maybe suggest an alternative that would be acceptable to everyone.

I’m a step grandparent along with my partner of 20 years to my sons 3 stepchildren.
The difference however is that my son is the only father they have known; they don’t see their birth father at all and have never had so much as a birthday card from him.

This means that there is no upsetting of other parents/grandparents I suppose.

I’m called by Nanny ‘Sarah’ and my partner is called by a nickname they all use as the middle one couldn’t say his name so his nickname is my grandson’s interpretation of his name.

My children never called my partner Dad, so I didn’t expect his children to call him Grandad.