I’d love a Grandma to ask advice from!!

Andie, your eldest is at an age when negativity seems to be quite natural, as I have the same issues with a grandson that age. Don't worry too much but try to notice and praise her when she has a good attitude without giving too much attention to the bad. Try to worry less about house/bills/tasks and spend time enjoying your daughters, playing games, taking walks or trying to include them in a fun way, like: "Sock match up contest." Apologize when you snap and move on. They know you love them.

My eldest daughter is much more serious than her sister. I think that I worried more when she was born as I had no experience of babies.
When my youngest was born, I enjoyed her more and she is a totally different and happier person.

Eviebeanz

Hi Andie now that I am a grandmother myself and love spending time with the grandchildren I look back and wish that I had spent more time with my own children when they were young. Although I was a SAHM and was with them a lot I wasn't always directly interacting with them as much as I now wish I had. So that would be my advice -if you need to do chores do them together. My 3 boys who are all now in their thirties remember the "20 minute tidy up". Lol.

I was the same as you. I enjoyed watching them and their imaginations. In my experience, the children who were constantly doing things, usually arty crafty type stuff, (at which I was useless and had no interest), with their parents, were more difficult later on, and unable to make their own entertainment. Sounds like you did right.
It’s like anything, it’s getting the balance.

Hi Andie now that I am a grandmother myself and love spending time with the grandchildren I look back and wish that I had spent more time with my own children when they were young. Although I was a SAHM and was with them a lot I wasn't always directly interacting with them as much as I now wish I had. So that would be my advice -if you need to do chores do them together. My 3 boys who are all now in their thirties remember the "20 minute tidy up". Lol.

I think the OP may be in Australia or US.

I understand too well how you feel, I am very organised and found that the disorganisation that came with children difficult to adjust too, but these childhood years are irreplaceable and do not last long. Respond to your girls when they want your company, just drop things and talk or play with them,

Feeding your family the odd ready meal or, I assume you can afford it, ordering the odd take-away, not cleaning a room, or wiping a surface, will not ruin anyone's physical health, and giving the time to the children is far more important to their long-term welfare, your elder daughter may just be mirroring your behaviour.

My mother always regretted that she was so busy with everything else that she often did not respond when I wanted her to play with me. I tried to avoid that myself.

When your girls grow up, family memories and relationships are made up of adult children turning to their parents and saying 'Do you remember when we used to go/do/play/see....' Not 'Do you remember how well run the house was'.

yes, that's why i wondered, before 1994 there was WRAF.
WAAF existed from 1939-1949.

I think it's just the Royal Air Force now welbeck - there was a merger in the 1990s I think.

are you a uk person.
i didn't think WAAF had existed for many years ??

Andie3. You sound extremely busy parents and my only advice to you would be (because you seem like you are doing a good job already) is just SLOW DOWN and take a look at what you all have together. If your girls want your attention when you are cooking let them have it. So what if dinner is a little late, not quite as good as it could have been. Your girls are both old enough to be in the kitchen with you cooking and I would get them doing that, it’s a great way to start a conversation about being thankful for what you have as a family and how lucky you all are compared to some people.
Just take a breath, slow down, step back, look at what you have achieved and appreciate that.
So sorry you don’t have your mum to help you with all this.❤️

Andie3 could you involve the girls in helping to prepare the dinner? Then they'd have your attention at the same time. I always think one of the best things I taught my daughter and sons is how to cook!

Could you start a daily "something to be thankful for" conversation with your elder daughter? Something simple like a beautiful butterfly you see or a lovely sunset.
Something I do with my minded children is to "do a good turn" every day: I might let another driver out at a junction, they might fetch each others drinks.
If a driver flashes us to cross the road they'll comment, "That was kind of them wasn't it?"
Try and encourage her to have a positive mindset and think about the bigger picture rather than just worrying about herself too much.
My own middle child was a perfectionist and very hard on himself so I know what you mean.

Bless you. I don’t need to know you to know you’re doing a fantastic job. Your post says it all. You have two wonderful little girls, and the vibe I get is you and your husband are very happy.
The fact you speak so highly of your mum, ( and so sad to hear that), shows you had a good role model.
You are clearly doing so much right. If you sailed through motherhood with no problems at all, I would be worried you’d missed something!
Keep it up and enjoy.

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes, it is mainly struggling for headspace and staying patient with them when we are all tired. I work full time, I'm a military officer serving overseas, so I am working on being less task focused, but I am not sure I can undo 20 years of being a WAAF ?. So I get very stressed out when they constantly demand that I stop cooking dinner/paying bills/tidying up, and to come and help them with the lego/toilet/handstand. Then I end up snapping at them. And my eldest is such a pessamist, she constantly only looks for things to worry about or things that were not quite as she wanted it, so I feel like I am not meeting her needs somehow. But my youngest is the total opposite, she things everything is brilliant and loves life completely. How have I raised two such different personalities and what do I do to get my 8 year old to see how lucky we are??!

Andie3 Emma Bunton was on TV this morning advertising her new book about Motherhood. She talked to lots of people (professional and amateur like us) by the sound of it, covering a lot of diverse views of motherhood

Being a parent is hard work. And it doesn't stop - you will always worry about your children no matter how old they are.

If you are lucky enough to become a grandparent, then you might have the opportunity to enjoy it!

Although parenting is hard, there are many opportunities to be proud of your children along the way. Enjoy and treasure those.

You will find no shortage of advice on this site! Much of it good, gained from years of experience, but nobody is infallible so feel free to take it with more than a pinch of salt. Some Grans seem to have some very old fashioned and rigid ideas, others will counsel the opposite .
I just hope your OP is not a prelude to seeking a “surrogate gran” - a dangerous road and one I would strongly advise against.

Andie3, what is it that you find hard work? The physical caring, clearing up and so forth? Not having enough time and head space for yourself?
Whatever is hard work will get better as your dear girls get older & more independent. Encourage them to take on more age appropriate responsibilities at home and make time for the 3 of you to have girl treats together. Keep the lines of communication open. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful & deep thinking Mum. You’re doing fine.

When we had little ones I remember asking my mother in law who’d had eight, when you stop worrying about them. She thought for a second before answering that you never do.

I’m sure you and your husband are excellent parents just because you care.

Andie3 have you considered joining your local WI - you will find plenty of advice and support there.

You and your husband are probably wonderful loving parents your children will flourish because they are loved.

I brought my son and daughter up on my own for over four years. I had an abusive husband who was only interested in himself. I did happily remarry and my children grew up safe and content. Even though they are 33 and 30 I still worry about them I just want them to be happy and healthy. I am very proud of them and their children. My DH has always considered them as his own and loves them too.

Know one teaches you to be a parent it comes natural and you learn from your own experience. I am sure you are like every loving parent who worries about your children. It's perfectly normal and you can always ask advice or support here you will be well advised.

Andie, I can only agree with others, maternal perfection truly doesn’t exist. Don’t worry about being perfect, loving your children and being a good enough Mum is enough.

We always worry, it doesn’t stop when the children become adults. It’s in the maternal job description. It sounds as if you’re doing fine, if there’s a specific concern then I’m sure the GN community will do it’s best to help. Otherwise trust yourself, relax a bit and enjoy your girls.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. All you need to be is a good enough mum, not a perfect one, no such thing exists.

It is sad that both you and your husband lost mothers so young, but most of us with good mothers tend to idealise them after they are gone and I am sure you are just as good a mother as your mother was. (see above about perfect mothers).

I think you will find that you are not alone in your worry and hard work.

I certainly worried a lot about my children and I had a mum although she was pretty remote at the best of times. My children are now middle aged?, and I still worry about them.

You sound to me that you are doing a grand job with your girls . You can only do your best, nothing more can be asked of you.

Andie3 you only have to ask away about any concerns or worries you might have and I'm sure you will receive plenty of kind and supportive advice from the wise grans on here ?
I'm sorry that you and your husband have both lost your mums.