Am I a bad Mother?/what would you do? Advice please

What amazes me on here is that you all have brought up families, made decisions for years and then spend days and nights worrying about things like this situation. Surely you can all sit down and discuss it putting your point of view! You have a life too and I do not believe grandparents should not be at the beck and call of their 'children'. I do despair on this site sometimes. I have not been on here for weeks as I was mulling over leaving. I think I will now. It is so logical that all you have to do is to explain that your business is doing relatively well and you need time to continue it. After all they did ask you to stop going at one stage.

These cases over gradchildren are emotional blackmail.

Glad to hear that you have managed the crisis between the three of you, and glad that you are able to maintain your business as well.

I would just say I will help when I can but I can’t do as much with my work load. I can’t help as much has you would like. Oh by the way you mum not super mum. You don’t say if son inlaw family are helping.

UPDATE: thanks so much everyone for your kind and helpful comments. I read them and took them on board. So I rescheduled two clients due today and spent the whole day with DD and GC. I had a serious talk with SiL and DD making all the points above. I took the most urgent sewing jobs to their house with me (together with my most portable machine) and was able to complete these whilst doing all lifting of Baby, manoeuvring of equipment etc. SiL has asked his sister (a nursery nurse) to help tomorrow and will manage to stay home or get help next week on the three days when I cannot be there. I have put off one non urgent client to free up some time next week. DD reckons she is likely to be better in a few weeks and they are booked for a "staycation" first two weeks of August which gives her some relaxed time with SiL. I got her to.book an appointment with the osteopath. All in all a very successful day and of course it was an absolute pleasure to spend time with my very precious GC and my very dear D! Thanks to all of you for calming my panic and helping me to clarify the situation.

Thanks Cafe au lait, all very good points. I think the problem is/was the sudden change in support needs which took me by surprise with unfortunate timing. I think I will be OK with 1 or 2 days child care per week, especially when little one is a bit older

As others have said you are certainly not a bad mother. Good mothers don't have to be at their children's beck and call, they do their best to help but they keep their own interests. It sounds as if you need to have a big family meeting and discuss everything. Your DD's bad back may heal faster than they think, but you need to know what she has been advised to do. Your SIL needs to look at his work and discover if he could change his working hours to help out, perhaps he has some holidays due. Are the other GPs around to help? You have taken on all the child care, but it should be split between many people.
Well done with your little business. I hope it continues to grow!

Nothing you have wrote in your original posts or subsequent ones suggest you are a bad Mother. I think you need to stop messaging and just be honest with them.

I would do as much as I could. As others have said, explain you can't renege on some of the work (bridesmaid's dress for example) but that you won't take on any new work until your daughter is better.

These things happen in life. Imagine if she'd had a car accident or god forbid, cancer. You'd want to help out. The fact that she was drawing away a bit until this happened shows that it IS a real emergency.

Sit down and talk with them and work out a way you can support and still hopefully have a couple of days at home, doing your work too.

Congrats on the success of the business?

I see both sides, however your daughter and sil are unrealistic in thinking you can drop anything anytime and jump to their rescue.

Cant SIL help his wife? Get a day off?
As adults, they need to build a bigger support system instead of relying on you

I agree with all of the above!

Of your business!
Apologies for the ?, it is a typo

Congrats on the success of the business?

I see both sides, however your daughter and sil are unrealistic in thinking you can drop anything anytime and jump to their rescue.

Cant sil help his wife? Get a day off?
As adults, they need to build a bigger support system instead of relying on you

I agree with Lucca when she says it’s better to go round and speak to your daughter and her husband face to face.
Text messages certainly have their place but in a situation like this, a face to face discussion is vital.

It’s so easy for text messages to be misinterpreted isn’t it?
Your daughter is probably feeling quite overwhelmed with a young baby to care for along with a painful back, and it’s understandable she wants her mum!

That’s not to say your sewing business doesn’t matter- far from it as you have obviously done so well to have built it up, but good communication is the key here so everyone knows what to expect.

You sound like a wonderful mum, mum in law and GM.

You've set up your own business, doing something that you really enjoy and as has already been said, your days of looking after little ones are behind you, and as a GM you have a life to live that doesn't necessarily revolve around your D and her family.

I don't agree that you have "lulled" your D into believing you were prepared to offer more than you actually are. You're still happy to look after your GC one or two days a week when s/he's a year old and your D returns to work.

It's unfortunate that she's having problems with her back but as we all know, even the best laid plans can not go as we'd hoped and it's up to your D and her husband to find ways of managing this problem without being fully reliable on you.

It wont be the last they'll have to deal with now they have a child of their own.

Like DiscoDancer said, your client base might be at risk if you become unreliable. Most people do understand if something significant happens but I know that I wouldn't return to a business that proved unreliable. OK, if there was a family emergency or personal emergency, sure. That happens.

No, you’re not a bad mother. You’re’ mothering’ days are over. You are a step removed as a grandmother. You are not obliged to take on this responsibility. Your daughter and SIL have to sort this out between themselves.

When we had our young family, we had no one to ask. My husband would have to take time off work. If needed, we would have employed a carer for a few days, but we didn’t ever need to luckily.

You’ve built this business up, and risk losing it all if you let people down. Where are the other grandparents? Family? How old is your grandson by the way? If he’s immobile at the moment, She should be able to manage, if it’s just a muscular injury.

If they’re close geographically, maybe you could pop in and out, but it’s not life threatening stuff. You are not dutifully bound.

MandK

Yes this rankles with me a bit, I would have thought SiL could help, or even his Mum, but this doesn't seem to be an option. I will see how things look when I get there later. Thanks for your input

When I was sick I either found a way or my DH took off work. My mother, like you, worked full time. Of course she'd have come in a real emergency.

Oh and well done to you for setting up a business!

The first thing that strikes me is all the “messaging”
Clearly they don’t live far away. Why not go round and have a proper discussion with them about what is really needed and what you can realistically manage.?

Yes this rankles with me a bit, I would have thought SiL could help, or even his Mum, but this doesn't seem to be an option. I will see how things look when I get there later. Thanks for your input

Thanks for this helpful r eply, it's really good to hear how others manage all of this. I will do as you suggest. Thank you

Is there a reason SIL cannot take a day off work and help her? Or work at home to help her? Are there any siblings, MIL, aunts, friends, who can help out? Are you the only option? If necessary, they can get paid home help for a short time. I understand you wanting to help out but what would they do if you weren't there?

Thanks so much for your advice.
Just to clarify, I am not worried about the 1 or 2 days per week I promised when Baby is a year old, I am just having a bit of a wobble over being asked to take over from DD while she has a bad back. I will talk it over with her today. Thanks so much

You are not a bad mother. You are doing your best to help. You have other responsibilities as well and are working. You are allowed to have your own life. Suggesting you come and help but bring your sewing with you was a good compromise.

I would use this as an opportunity to decide on what you really want for the future. Do you want to do childcare? You aren't obligated to and it's not your responsibility. If you do it, do it because you want to. If you do childcare, how much? What days? What happens if you are sick or the child is sick?

If you want to be more available to your daughter, think about how your business and other needs and wants fit in. Is there a limit to how many clients you want to take on in future? Will you regret possibly cutting back if your DD decides they are busier in future and can't fit you in as much as they used to?

This seems like a good prompt to make decisions about what you want your life to look like going forward.

You are definitely not a bad mother, you are a responsible one, and you are a responsible business woman too. Do not demean your 'little sewing business'; people who can sew, alter, dressmake are increasingly rare, and to be valued.
What has happened to your daughter is an emergency, although it seems as though her bad back will last until she returns to work. I would make every effort to juggle your immediate work for the next few weeks whilst helping your daughter as much as possible, then have a serious discussion about how to manage the next few months.
They suggested paying you so that you 'don't have to worry about money' (bit patronising but hey). Suggest they use that money to employ someone to help for one, two days a week so that you would have at least one clear day to use for your business. Alternatively, could the baby go to nursery for a day or two a week, although I appreciate it is difficult to get places at short notice?
And make sure you don't get called in to cover so that the husband can have time off, as happened to a grandma I know; she was taking on extra childcare for her daughter
to enable her to gain extra qualifications whilst working, only to discover her son in law regularly going off for days out because 'I need time to myself'.
The best of luck.

Not a bad mother! I have always given one day a week child care for both daughters. I love being with children - but one day a week is enough for me ! It's a huge responsibility . It is very difficult for parents as they all work - no staying at home for first five years any more! I felt fortunate to be able to be at home in the pre school years. Do what is comfortable for you, when you see your daughter you will be able to assess her injury. Is it possible she is feeling the responsibility of motherhood overwhelming and needs her Mum? Just a thought.
You have a business to run and are entitled to do that - of course you are. Before daughter returns to work think carefully about what is right for you. Two days a week is a big commitment and takes a huge chunk out of your week . We all want to help out children but ultimately children are the responsibility of parents not grandparents. Been honest with yourself and your daughter and SIL .
Good luck.