Overwhelmed

Dottyw , I hope she gets the help she needs once the baby's born . Life's too short to be falling out with family so easily !

I understand the whole concept of ‘ treading on eggshells’, and have often wondered whether this actually exacerbates the situation, rather than help. Do you just end up delaying the inevitable, and would it be better to just take the bull by the horns, and have a good ‘chat’.?

We had something similar with a DIL. She was pregnant at the time, so wasn’t a good time to raise anything. We decided to leave it a year, as they were moving house as well. A year later, it had all settled, she was much better.

Difficult to know what to suggest, as she is pregnant, but she needs to learn she can’t keep behaving like this. It’s not good for her, her unborn child, or little boy. Has she always been like this? Or is it since her first baby? Money worries? Health worries?

I think I’d be inclined to say, that I love her very much, and there is clearly something which sets her off, but don’t want to indulge until after the baby is born, unless she wants to. Could she be feeling everyone is avoiding talking to her?

It’s a difficult one without a doubt. You have to weigh up being there enough to be supportive, but not too much, so as to be interfering. To sum up, I think you have to tread carefully while she pregnant.

All the best to you all

I had a sister like this. My parents pandered to her which made matters worse. With people like this, the best way forward is to avoid controversial subjects and stick to platitudes like the weather, her son, keep things light as much as possible. Not normal, I’d agree, but the only way forward. Don’t side with either sister. They must work out their own relationship.
Not much help I’m afraid, but been there done that.

Whilst she is pregnant I don't think you can do more than try to keep things as calm as you can. If that means keeping out of the way a little so be it. Speak with your single daughter and tell her she should just let thing lie until after the birth. Has she been paying too much attention to her nephew? Perhaps regarding his welfare? It sounds like coming off the tablets has made the problem worse. Later her husband should insist on seeing his family if he wants to she has no right to stop him and doesn't have to see them herself.

Its so sad to hear your SIL cannot see his family he must be really missing his parents & siblings do they live close to them?.
I can understand you feel as though you are walking on eggshells with your DDs attitude to everyone and hope she can see someone as soon as she had delivered her new baby and she has maybe calmed down and realises family is so important to your DGS.

Oh dear Dotty what a nightmare of a situation to be embroiled in.

Your D using her child as a weapon is not uncommon but no less concerning. The fact that her partner no longer sees his own family because she argues with them is particularly concerning, as it demonstrates that she's not adverse to using coercive control to get what she wants.

I'm sorry that the prospect of not seeing her nephew is so upsetting for your other D. No doubt her sister is aware this would be the case hence the choice of 'punishment'.

I think the suggestions already made that you refuse to get involved are the way to go. Change the subject if it's about her sister and if that doesn't work, tell her that you're not getting involved and hope that she and her sister can work things out between them.

Good advice from GagaJo.

I hope the situation improves.

GagaJo

My DD is similar. She could start an argument in an empty room. The only way that I've found that works in dealing with her is trying not to engage in 'discussions' that could lead to disagreements. I also try not to comment on her frequent rants about other people.

This is what we have to do with my husbands sister too. She is unwilling to engage in therapy or go to the Dr so what else can we do? It keeps the peace but god she must be so unhappy. I am unwilling to spend much time with her to be honest.

My DD is similar. She could start an argument in an empty room. The only way that I've found that works in dealing with her is trying not to engage in 'discussions' that could lead to disagreements. I also try not to comment on her frequent rants about other people.

Could you please give some examples how your daughter misinterprets things and how she is high strung?
How did her friendships end and why?
I am afraid there is too little info to assess the situation.

Please do not interfere between two adults - they have to fix it themselves.
It also looks like it is not the first time you intervene when there is a disagreement between the sisters, according to your post

The fact that your second daughter is distraught at the thought of not being able to see her nephew rings an alarming bell for me.
The explanation of "they upset mommy" could be age appropriate for a 6 y.o.

How lovely to hear all your kind advice. I have to say i would dearly love to move away as it’s making my husband and I so sad, however realise out Grandson needs our continuity and calm presence. Thank you for all your comments. It really helps.

This sounds like an impossible situation. And also one where you cannot be involved in a solution - now that is very very frustrating for all involved!

If your DGS is being used as a weapon towards family and friends; or as a conduit for your DD's distress then his life could become very difficult. I speak as one who was brought up by a mother who used me in this way (no fault of hers, she was not well I think) and it is very hard indeed to be that person.

He is going to need you as his rock. I think that you have to do whatever is necessary to keep the peace and maintain your relationship with her, even though it is not ideal.

I am sorry you are in this troubled situation.

My first thought was that you, your daughter's partner and your other daughter could be a support group for each other and your grandchildren. Working together could help you, but it could also upset your daughter further. Tricky.

I also thought it wrong that the partner had to stop seeing his family. He should at least be able to visit them alone or with his children.

I'm sorry things are so difficult and very much hope that the good Gransnet advice helps you find a solution.

I am sad to read of the distress this is causing everyone. It would seem this behaviour has been there for many years . Clearly she is feeling very insecure , it appears your daughter has issues and as you say misinterpretates everything that is said and done. Her partner " no longer sees his own family" says it all. As you are probably aware she needs help. Clearly medication is not possible at the moment- talking therapy might help if she is willing . Although it does appear she is reluctant to acknowledge she has a problem. Her partner's family must be very upset too. If she ' gets the wrong end of the stick,' on a regular basis then I recognize how this causes such unhappiness. As a mum you are between the devil and the deep blue sea ! Trying to help both daughters - look after yourself too! Your other daughter is missing her nephew, that is sad. Your grandson needs his aunty !
You mention you get on well her partner, is it possible you could have a private talk with him! He too is going through a very difficult time and may well appreciate you approaching him . His partner is your daughter so he may feel uncomfortable about initiating such a sensitive conversation. Don't imagine your daughter is behaving this way just to be difficult, she needs professional support. I can understand how you are afraid to voice your worries for fear of ' the same punishment' and your grandson needs the security of your love. So very hard for you and everyone who is affected by your daughters attitude. I wish you well , perhaps when her second child is safely delivered the situation may ease . Thinking of you - good luck.

I think it depends on what's actually happened and what's been said? Has she got depression? Did she had PND?

I think you need to step right back and leave the sisters to sort this out. Don't get involved. Your daughter seems like she needs help and support and feeling ganged up isn't nice. Especially if she's going through something.

I really sympathise with you as I have a similar situation between my 2 daughters resulting in the unmarried one being unable to see her niece and nephew. She is upset and doesn't understand what she has done wrong. I have tried to intervene and realised I had made the situation worse .
Sadly I have now said to both of them that it is up to them to sort out their relationship with each other . I have told them that I love them both but cannot fix situation as I did when they were arguing young children with their sibling rivalry. It hurts because all i wanted was a happy family unit but I can't make it happen.

Your daughter sounds more than 'highly strung ' and 'with a fiery temper' and needs medical help; her stopping taking medication, prior to pregnancy, is significant. Using her son as a weapon is unforgiveable and will cause him psychological damage; her partner has a responsibility towards him as well as his wife and he must confront this problem by insisting she resumes her medication following the birth of her baby for the sake of their children.
It sounds as though your daughter has cowed you all by her behaviour and it is not entirely unpremeditated.

I think you need to take a big step back and not get involved in dramas between the sisters. Easy to say, I know, but their relationship is for them to negotiate. By trying to solve this, you are going to upset somebody so better to tell both of them that you won't be involved in their issues. Change the subject if it's brought up.

She has always fallen out with her friends all through her life. This has certainly got worse since the birth of her son 6 years ago. I’ve tried to broach the subject of GP but it’s a ted rag to a bull . She has been on meds before and they helped but she stops taking them, and of course now cannot being pregnant.

Has your Daughter always been 'highly strung' or is this since the birth of your Grandson ? She sounds stressed out ! Any more information , past upsets ?