Extremely challenging two year old.

Please don’t criticize what the other grandparents do, he must love them as they do him. It must be very difficult if he picks up on the tension between the two families. ( I remember being in that situation when I was young and I had to hid how I felt)
When he is at yours make it the best time he can have, as others have already suggested how to occupy the time with him and I am sure you and your wife will make good, ‘one to one’ memories for him to look back on.

I agree with BlueBelle

Oh my goodness 2 year olds are full of tantrums they don’t have the language of a grown up or an older child to say “no I don’t want to do this” or “I m scared” or “I ve got too much going round in head” or just “leave me alone” so they scream and scream (I had one granddaughter who was a breath holder another grandson who was a complete destruction machine
(funny really as he’s now in construction) he was a whirlwind and now is a really hard grafter

If you and your wife are uptight and not managing this will come across to the lad without saying a word and he will feel less safe

Don’t be so hard on the other grandparents you’re daughter is obviously satisfied and everyone will do it their way, small children are very adaptable and will realise they do this at granny and grandads house, and this at the other house
He’s hardly getting bounced around from pillar to post if he has every Monday with you and a few other days with the other grandparents
If you’re wife’s at breaking point after a couple of bedtime tantrums you really aren’t up to this child minding perhaps offer to pay for him to go to a nursery or a registered child minder

Your daughter and son in law probably need to look again at their childcare arrangements but that is for them to decide. You and your wife need to be clear what you can and can't do and stick to it. You can't solve the problem of them being let down at a late stage by the other grandparents. Nor can you deal with the things the other grandparents do that you disapprove of.

Two year old tantrums are pretty normal and largely come from the fact that at this age a child is overwhelmed by their emotion, hasn't learnt how to regulate and deal with their emotion and frustration and consequently melt down happens.

Presumably as you have him every Monday you have together developed a routine with him involving both you and his wife. I assume that you and your wife have agreed your expectations and methods together to give him consistency when he is with you. If you haven't then do! If you have done that then I don't think your concerns about "having me help just introduces another set of rules, for him to try and deal with" are valid. Work together with consistency!

Trisher gives good suggestions which I wont repeat. My own children and my grandchildren when young responded well to:

* 5 minute/2 minute warnings as described, possibly with a consequence if did happen like "I will tickle you up the stairs" or "We can play trains" or "Lets read ..., your favourite story" or something else quick, silly that the child loves doing with you

*me sitting down, holding out my arms and saying "do you want a cuddle?" ...usually the answer was yes, waited until calm was restored and crying stopped or at least reduced and then gently explained that I understood they were angry /upset because ....but this had to happen because .....then carried on with whatever had caused tantrum etc. Usually the tantrum did not repeat, occasionally it did, so I repeated process!

This is a helpful article for you I hope!

www.parentingforbrain.com/deal-toddler-temper-tantrums/

Could you say to your son something along the lines of " We would like very much to care all the time for Joey from now on and that would also perhaps let Meg and Bert and their Son enjoy their family life more." ?

Well whatever goes on at the other grandparents is none of your business. If your DD doesn't like it she can ask them to change but you should stay out of it.
He's two, they're not known as the "Terrible Twos" for nothing. Temper tantrums are perfectly normal. There are some strategies which sometimes work for getting a child out of one. The "Oh look a flying pig" sometimes works-see, or say you have seen, something which he is really interested in. Doesn't really matter what you choose it's just something to distract him.
Some children respond well to being picked up and held closely, some are best left in a safe place and ignored for a short time, as long as you are sure they are safe.
You can sometimes prevent tantrums by telling a child what is to happen and giving them adequate warning.
So. "In 10 minutes you will have to put your toys away and get ready for bed" Repeat for 5 mins and 2 mins. Sometimes a 10-0 countdown helps as well, some children love counts.
Reward behaviour you like with hugs, cuddles and praise.
Ignore little infringements which are sometimes attention seeking.
Find fun ways of doing things. Singing a song whilst tidying up for example- all toys must be away before the song finishes.
Hope these help. Try to enjoy him, they are little for such a short time. And always remember "This too shall pass"

Hi.

In answer to a few points. When my wife is not working, she looks after him.

He gets plenty of interaction from my wife, and she does all the other things that you have suggested. The problem is that he doesn't get that from the other grandparent.

He is left to play on the iPad and watch TV all day, and accompanied by sweets.

My wife has cared for 3 other grandchildren over the last 10 tears without any issues. Yes, children at this age can be a trial, but this is different. He is not getting the correct message from my son-in-law, who just gives into him.

I'm sorry to have troubled you all with this.

It is absolutely normal for 2 year olds to have tantrums frequently (my grandson age 7 still has occasional tantrums). You don't have "rules" for children so perhaps you are expecting too much and you do sound very critical of his other carers. The routines may be "stupid" to you but not your daughter and her PiL. At 2 most children can cope with different rules/toys/routines for different houses and you must have some of your own if you look after him already so stick to them but don't be too rigid. Mealtimes - if he doesn't sit still to eat don't force it, find out what he likes - if it's chicken nuggets etc get them. They don't eat much at that age. Bedtime - our family has - play or game, bath, jammies, story, milk, teeth, bed - order and time adjusted with age. Some children at 2 like to be sat with as they go to sleep. Daytime activities short things at that age but vary about - go out as much as you can, walks, parks, splashing in muddy puddles. See if there are any toddler groups or book bug sessions opened up in your area - some are starting back. It is exhausting but tantrums are usual.

He sounds as though he would benefit from professional childcare, with more routine and stimulation.

Very difficult to imagine how you are both working from home, you full time and your wife part time with a 2 year old. I assume that one of you at least is not working when the child needs looking after? The only thing that you can do is the remain calm and consistent in your childcare. Praise him when he is doing what you would like and ignore behaviour that you would rather he didn't do. Have lots of things to keep him busy. I remember making lots of paper balls out of newspaper and then throwing them into a waste bin. Or play hunt the thimble (can be hunt any small object). Let him hide while you find. Hide and seek is always exciting. Walks to the park or wherever but get him playing outside. He will soon grow up and out of this, lets face it, difficult stage.

I forgot to say that we are in our late 60s and both work. I work from home full-time and my wife part-time.