Extremely challenging two year old.

As an initial reaction to this, as hard as it is, I think it’s really for your daughter and son-in-law to sort out. We’ve had our time as parents, and as much as it’s lovely if we can help with grandchildren, we should never be made to feel bad if we can’t.

I don’t really understand how you would know how the other grandparents are, unless your daughter/ son in law are telling you, in which case this isn’t good.

As regards tantrums, I’m not surprised more children are having them, perhaps more so than when we were parents. I never really saw it, except once in a supermarket. We had much more freedom in the way we parented. Now, I feel, our children’s parenting is almost being policed. My husband said it’s gone from the parent saying ‘ no ‘, to the child saying it, with no consequences.

This aside, you have to do what’s best for you, and leave your children to work out what’s best for their child.

This sound more like competitive grandparents and the 2 year old is the prize for whoever does best. Perhaps he enjoys his other grandparents more because it is relaxed without expectations.

This is a good point. I remember when my son was younger and went to grandma for a few hours (just because she liked him to visit, not a regular thing as I didn't work) she would have done more different "big lroduction" activities in a few hours tha I did in a week. No downtime. He'd be impossible for a day or two afterwards!!

There is a fantastic book by Philippa Perry called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did). Published in 2018, it has advice on how to respond to the tantrums. I have followed her advice with my own 2 year old grandchild and been amazed to find how right she is.

I think the term ' temper tantrum ' is wrong and overused. The child is telling you he is unhappy so make him and you happy, problem solved. ( mum of 3, granny of 5)

Oops. Take mine home

This is normal temper tantrums for a two year old. Generally they grow out of it by three years old, unless there is an underlying issue medically speaking. I just wondered if a set time to go outside for play would help. Say after lunch, and say so to the child. You have been so good this morning, we are going to the park after lunch to feed ducks etc. Reward him for being good. I used to abandon shopping trips and park play to take my home. Fast asleep by the time i reached home. Tantrum gone....

This sound more like competitive grandparents and the 2 year old is the prize for whoever does best. Perhaps he enjoys his other grandparents more because it is relaxed without expectations. Tantrums are usually related to pushing the boundaries/deprived of an enjoyment/or both. I suggest stop competing and enjoy the child.

Callistemon, all my kids were really challenging and naughty and then were almost comatose when teens onwards

Some of the calmest people in our family had the most spectacular tantrums when they were toddlers. One was a breath holder (scary).

Perhaps they got it all out of their system when they were tiny!

espee it really does not help when someone asks for advice about tantrums to brag about this magical mystery world your children grew up in , having no tantrums and being total angels. I am pretty sure you must be in the minority. My three DC are now mature, peaceful, high qualified and much respected in their chosen professions, though as youngsters there were times when I doubted that either they or I would survive to reach this stage, such were their tantrums and our two DGC can certainly match their mum!
Tantrums are horrible and exhausting but they are a natural part of being 2 and 3. We must each find our own way of dealing with them, but one thing is definite, many cuddles and kisses and reassurances are needed when they are over. I agree with others that what happens at the other GPs is not your worry. We all like to think we are better / more loved / make our GC happier than the other GPs and I think our AC sometimes feed into this desire by downplaying what the other GPs do. I suspect they probably do more than you have been told and if they have a severely disabled son to care for, the presence in their lives of non disabled children is important to them.
Finally, I don't think they are being passed from pillar to post. My DH and I have our DGC alternate Wednesdays. The other GP have them the opposite Wednesday. Their mum works 4 days and has them every Monday. Their dad works 4 days and has them every Friday. They go to nursery on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have always looked on this as being an absolutely ideal arrangement as the children get love, attention, stimulation and socialisation from everyone who loves them most with the skills that nursery can provide as well.
Next time your DGC stays for a sleepover, wait till they are sweetly sleeping, gaze at them and remember that this time will soon be gone and you will become a "duty visit". I am so dreading that happening.

The best thing for tantrums is to just sit by the child quietly, to make sure that he does nothing to damage himself or anything else during the tantrum. If he is rampaging and throwing himself around and could hurt himself , gently hold his wrists or hands to restrain him slightly.

Once he calms down, in a quiet calm voice offer him a drink and give him a silent cuddle and then gently move on to other things, read a book, play a quiet game, or anything he suggests.

He will be exhausted, not quite knowing what he did and why, but just needs to know that the adults around him kept calm and were always there.

Remember you are bigger and stronger than him, there is no need to be frightened of him or his tantrum. Just let him play it out and then offer quiet comfort to his forlorn soul.

Yes it might be your grandchild but it’s not your child and your daughters child and she should have a back up incase of emergency. I mean what would she do if you end up hospital unexpectedly. I care for my grandkids and so do the other parents. But daughter inlaw doesn’t always reply on us. She as a childminder. As she said we’re had our children and we should beable to enjoy our time with them not feel like we obliged to care for them. Even if we don’t mind having them.

You say your wife regularly looks after him on Mondays and there are no problems that you know of. But following a tantrum on a Saturday before bedtime and I think another tantrum, she feels she can’t cope. I imagine your daughter must be your informant about what happens at the other grandparents house and about her husband’s attitudes. I feel the women in your family have perhaps turned to you and you now feel responsible and that you should take charge and find a solution. But I don’t think you can really. You can be sympathetic and supportive. You can offer what ever direct care of your grandson yourself you may want or be able to give to help them. But I don’t think you can change or direct all the relationships within the family. And people are likely to get pissed off with you if you try to do that. This was an unusual situation anyway. It doesn’t sound as if he is usually with you on a Saturday or overnight. He is not with the grandparents he is used to. So all that may have upset him. This upset may blow over. Your wife has plenty of experience of raising children. I doubt she will be interested in hearing about strategies for dealing with tantrums. She has to decide herself what she is willing or not willing or able or not able to do. I do so much sympathise with parents with young children working full time and with all the grandparents providing childcare. And for the kids as well at times. It must be difficult for all. Be wary of projecting too much blame on the in laws. It is so easy for us all to do that. Even if they are truly not ideal try to be generous and think the best of them for that will be best for all of you. We all need to complain about our husbands and in laws. Be sympathetic. But don’t take up cudgels. Your daughter may well defend them if you do, especially her husband. You could try asking your wife and daughter what their views are about what could help in this situation or what you could all do. The care of your grandson is certainly primarily your daughter and her husband’s responsibility, however difficult that may be. They must make their own decisions. You can only do what you can do. You can’t make things right for everybody. We all struggle. How could we not? What your grandson mostly needs and what he will remember in later life is to know he was loved. Which I am sure he is. Good luck to you all.

I agree with the terrible 2's and the tantrums, but I do think if the Grandparent is being affected by what the other Grandparents do I think it is ok to voice it because it has a impact on him and his wife.
I would not offer to pay or contribute to childcare, as it is shockingly expensive and quite frankly I could not afford it.

I collect my Grandson from School once a week, and have done since he was 5 excluding lockdown. I take the attitude of pick your battles wisely, if he wants chocolate what the heck, I buy one for him and me too and I enjoy it. What I will not tolerate is bad manners and disrespect. A bit of cheek is fine, I can tell him off for that immediately. We have had the odd strop, but that is just children for you.
I hope you get this sorted out and the child soon comes out of the terrible 2's.

My 2 year old GS was just leaving nursery and started having a tantrum as he didn't want to hold his mum's hand. The lovely nursery nurse knelt down by him and told him if he held mum's hand he would get 10 points on his chart. Tantrum averted. Maybe the carrot does work .... sometimes.

If you think The Terrible Twos are bad then just wait for The Thunderous Threes.

I agree with others that this child needs consistency, calm and people to look after him who understand his needs and the needs of a toddler, and who do not become stressed.

A good nursery might be the best option.

This was also true for my children but my husband and I were their exclusive caters
Sounds like this child is getting a lot of input from different people and it’s confusing him

So basically you are blaming his bad behaviour on the one day the other grandparents have him?
Have you ever heard of the terrible 2s? It’s called this for a reason
If your daughter isn’t happy with the free care he receives then it is up to her to arrange a suitable alternative

I have no 'answers' for you but I would bet he is having these breakdowns because life is demanding more from him than he can cope with. Do not forget EVER that tantrums are frightening and exhausting. No child 'decides' to have a tantrum. He needs regularity of meals, exercise, rest. And for long enough he becomes secure in knowing what will happen day by day. Hope you can figure out some ways to nudge the situation.

If you’re wife’s at breaking point after a couple of bedtime tantrums you really aren’t up to this child minding perhaps offer to pay for him to go to a nursery or a registered child minder.

This is excellent advice. It will provide stability and continuity of routine which toddlers need. It will also free up both you and your wife so that you can go about your work commitments in peace.

I'm sorry I cant offer any advice. I just think Poor child, he doesn't know where he is , being passed from Grandparent to grandparent must be so disorientating for a two year old. Children need consistency in their care and their lives. No wonder he has tantrums.

Esspee it’s always been normal for 2 year olds to have temper tantrums it’s nothing to do with modern living they were certainly well known and much talked about in the 60/70s when I had young children
You go on to say
In my experience 2 year olds are very articulate and perfectly able to express their needs
Youre on another planet if you think a 2 year old can tell you why they are emotionally angry/upset/ frightened emotional awareness and emotional language is really really not happening at 2 and even older

When my DGD was sleeping over as a two year old we let her sleep between us because she was scared and didn’t want to sleep alone. Now she is eight she still swings the ‘scared’ lead so my OH sleeps in the spare bed, and she and I have a girly giggle. We did have battles about getting her actually going to sleep but I remember my dear old Dad saying ‘If a child isn’t sleepy they won’t sleep’. So the drill now is that we do puzzles from the stack of old comics we bought for over the years and when she’s ready she snuggles up and sleeps. It doesn’t ‘spoil’ a child to make them feel safe and secure, and I know that when DGD is 16 she’ll not be sharing a bed with me because she can’t sleep!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree Fabulous50s although the OP has received some useful advice there has been a lot of criticism when he and his wife are doing their best. Not everyone is a super gran/grandad. Sadly, some posters piling on with criticism is becoming a feature of gransnet when people are simply asking for help and advice. Surely this shouldn’t be what gransnet is about?