Thoughts please !

Enid101 Asking for thoughts is what Gransnet is for I think !

Lizzy60

Enid101 Asking for thoughts is what Gransnet is for I think !

Too much thinking, not enough action

May I ask whu it matters what other gnets think?

It still doesnt change what happened

IMO it is not a simple question, nor does it have a simple answer.

At face value, I would say yes I would leave a 14 year old to care for a 3 month old. But this is not a simple yes or no answer and you know this, despite that being all you asked for.

Here in the US, teens can take the Red Cross Baby Sitter class at age 12. It includes classes on care for babies and kids, including changing diapers, asking parents about food restrictions, first aid and CPR certification. My oldest took it at 12 and started as a babysitter shortly after. She was about 14 when she took care of a baby. Most parents prefer to have older teens who can drive (to the hospital if need be) look after younger kids, but if it is just an evening out and the teens parent is near by it may not matter to them. It is certainly not unusual.

The reason my answer isn't simple is because there are so many factors that need to be considered. Is this 14 year old known well by the parents? Neighbor or family friend maybe? Has the teen been through a CPR/First Aid class? How far away will the parents be and for how long? Is the teens parent nearby and willing to step in if need be? (I myself made sure my kids were not a sitter to far away in case there was an emergency and I needed to step in).

I think the reason why DIL made this choice could answer a lot of questions as well.

My answer to the simple part of a not so simple questions is, yes I would leave a baby with a 14 year old if certain criteria were made.

I would be very worried for both children.

Enid101

Lizzy60

Enid101 I asked for thoughts not agreements . Girl is just 14 , baby is 3 months , they're not related in any way . House is dirty , girl's mother is an alcoholic & known in the area for this but not present during the baby's stay of 5 hours .

You think it’s wrong so report it. No need to seek the ‘thoughts’ of others - especially if you are spiky when asked for more clarity.

Actually I thought Lizzy was very restrained in her replies, not spiky at all, even when accused of being jealous.

Hithere

So the problem is that you were not picked to babysit the baby, I see.

Not for the first time Hithere I wonder why you are on a forum called Gransnet when you appear to think grandparents are always in the wrong.

Yours was a very rude comment and could have been put in a more kindly way

Lucca

Hithere

So the problem is that you were not picked to babysit the baby, I see.

Not for the first time Hithere I wonder why you are on a forum called Gransnet when you appear to think grandparents are always in the wrong.

Yours was a very rude comment and could have been put in a more kindly way

Lizzy60, your initial OP didn’t paint anything like the picture you gave in later comments.
You say the mother is an alcoholic. Is she ? She ‘went out’ for several hours leaving the baby with a 14 year old. I wonder if the parents of the 14 year old are comfortable with this? I wouldn’t be. Who risk assesses whether mum is sober if she’s been ‘out’
If this baby is your grandchild OP you are right to be concerned

Iam I think the alcoholic is the mother of the babysitter, not the baby's mother.

My thoughts are that it's wrong to leave such a young baby for five hours, a breast-fed baby at that, with a 14-year old girl.

What we all did as schoolgirl babysitters in the past isn't relevant.

Have you asked your DIL why she didn't ask you to mind the child, and what does your son think of this?

Personally I wouldn't put the responsibility of a very young baby onto a child.
I can understand your concerns as this 14 year old seems to have no responsible adult around her to look after her wellbeing either.

There seems to be more to this than we were told initially, seems to be a problematic situation all round. For me it would depend very much on the capability of the 14 year old and her relationship with the child.

The OP confirmed in an earlier post that the child is her GD.

In a previous thread back in August, she expressed “frustration at seeing things done not the way I’d do them”, and “relationships have just survived”.

She also tells us that she has four children all of whom are successful in their chosen fields.

If everything the OP has written is true (dirty house, alcoholic mother, leaving child with unsuitable sitter etc), it sounds as if her DIL needs more support from her ‘successful’ partner. It seems unfair to put all the blame on the DIL who is still in the fog of very early parenthood which is very tough.

I hope you find a solution and wish you all the best.

Hithere

So the problem is that you were not picked to babysit the baby, I see.

Wow. Horrible, judgemental comment.

As others have said, I would be concerned for the baby and for this young baby sitter. If anything were to happen regardless of whether or not it was due to something this young lady had done, or failed to do, the trauma for her could be life changing.

I would be very concerned whether or not the baby in question was my GC.

If I’ve understood this correctly, Lizzy’s 3 month old grandchild was taken to the (dirty) house of an alcoholic for the alcoholic’s 14 year old daughter to babysit, alone, whilst Lizzy’s daughter-in-law went out for five hours. The baby is breastfed but the 14 year old was left with ‘a’ bottle to give it. Really only one bottle? No I don’t consider it is acceptable to leave a baby alone with this young girl or in these surroundings. Why the 14 year year old was chosen, and why at her house rather than the daughter-in-law’s, we don’t know. Perhaps Lizzy could explain that (is the 14 year old related to the daughter-in-law or is the alcoholic daughter-in-law’s friend (Lizzy has presumably been inside the house to know it is dirty), also whether she thinks it might happen again.

Enid101

The OP confirmed in an earlier post that the child is her GD.

In a previous thread back in August, she expressed “frustration at seeing things done not the way I’d do them”, and “relationships have just survived”.

She also tells us that she has four children all of whom are successful in their chosen fields.

If everything the OP has written is true (dirty house, alcoholic mother, leaving child with unsuitable sitter etc), it sounds as if her DIL needs more support from her ‘successful’ partner. It seems unfair to put all the blame on the DIL who is still in the fog of very early parenthood which is very tough.

I hope you find a solution and wish you all the best.

Confusing but I thought the alcoholic was the mother of the 14 year old sitter and the dirty house belonged to them not DIL

There is an 11 year age gap between our eldest and youngest, the eldest didn’t babysit her siblings until she was 16.

I can't understand from this the relationship between OP and the baby??? Or do you just care for the baby sometimes and no relationship?
My DGC were all breast fed and would not take bottles so that would worry me if the baby had no food or fluid for 5 hours.
If the mother is alcoholic maybe the baby is better off with the 14 year old. Many are fairly mature. Generally I would say not a good idea but too many unknown issues to make an informed comment.

How do you know this is exactly what happened Lizzy60, I can’t imagine your DIL has told you?

It really depends on the 14 pyear old. I'm assuming if anything went wrong she has access to emergency contacts, neighbours etc.

You mention mum usually asks you, why didn't she this time?

I would not report it to Social services as it will have huge repercussions on your ongoing relationships. I would agree the set up is ill advised but in daylight hours I am not sure it is illegal. I would try and be non- judgemental and offer to babysit ,in a relaxed way, if ever they need a bit of help. Try not to worry. It may well have been a one off.

ElaineI

I can't understand from this the relationship between OP and the baby??? Or do you just care for the baby sometimes and no relationship?
My DGC were all breast fed and would not take bottles so that would worry me if the baby had no food or fluid for 5 hours.
If the mother is alcoholic maybe the baby is better off with the 14 year old. Many are fairly mature. Generally I would say not a good idea but too many unknown issues to make an informed comment.

OP is grandmother to the baby.
Baby’s mother went out.
Baby left in care of 14 year old neighbour whose mother is apparently alcoholic and lives in a dirty house,

Lucca I think you are correct.

I think a lot of the information that has been added would have been much more important than the information in the original OP and now it's all a bit of a mess.

Lizzy you should talk to mum, find out why she didn't choose you to babysit and find a way to put to rest past problems. If you report her for this, or confront her another way, she legally has done nothing wrong and you will just make the situation worse