Help! I’m new at this!

I have 3 sons and 5 grandchildren. I said to each of them the offer of help is always there, just let me know if you need it. I then stepped right back and let them get on with their lives. I just remember my very pushy and intrusive in laws so I’ve never pushed for contact. Just keep everything very relaxed and be grateful for what you get.

*my apologies for forgetting to use quotation marks. This was in response to MamaCaz’s question of whether it was really so wrong to want to go out with the pram. Asking/offering once is very different than bringing it at every visit or nearly every visit.

I was asked and pressured every single visit. I began to dread visits because I constantly felt like I needed to defend and protect the decisions we alone were entitled to make. Asking once is one thing. Constantly asking, which puts the parents in an uncomfortable spot, is very different.

In fact, you may see them less than pre baby as they are busier than before

Ask yourself how often you saw your son prior to baby? There is no reason to see son and d.i.l more than before babies birth.

MamaCaz

I agree. The flip side of this, absolutely, is that grandparents are certainly not obligated to care for grandchildren. If they are willing to do so, wonderful, but if they can't or won't, it's unfair of the parents to expect it.

I would say that you understand they have to get into a routine but when they feel ready, you would be more than happy to babysit or of course visit, when it suits them. If they don’t do that perhaps ring up once a week to ask how they are and baby too, that you’re thinking of them. I never put any pressure on mine and dil mother always seemed to be there, but I still got to see them and it was a different relationship to what they had with the other grandma, but we made the most of what we had.

And just to add, it would be lovely if requests to grandparents for childcare were expressed in such considerate, no-pressure way, too.

agnurse

I think there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. If you say, just once, "I realize that at this time you understandably want to spend as much time as possible with your baby. But just so you know, when you're ready, if you're wanting a baby-sitter at all, I'd be happy to help. No pressure, I just want you to know it's on offer." That's one thing. But if you're constantly asking to have the baby alone, you're being passive-aggressive (e.g. telling baby that Mommy/Daddy are being mean and won't let you have them alone), you're insinuating that you don't see the baby enough - that's a problem. That's a HUGE problem.

Well put ?

I think there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. If you say, just once, "I realize that at this time you understandably want to spend as much time as possible with your baby. But just so you know, when you're ready, if you're wanting a baby-sitter at all, I'd be happy to help. No pressure, I just want you to know it's on offer." That's one thing. But if you're constantly asking to have the baby alone, you're being passive-aggressive (e.g. telling baby that Mommy/Daddy are being mean and won't let you have them alone), you're insinuating that you don't see the baby enough - that's a problem. That's a HUGE problem.

valdali

It's fine saying that it's up to the parents, nothing to do with the GPs. You can't argue against that even if it doesn't fit with what your own family did. However, when the GC are a little older and a night out with DH might be welcome, then it is totally OK for those GPs to say, oh I don't want to go out on a winter night, get a baby sitter. And when the child-care costs are mounting and you need someone to pick them up from nursery or look after them when they have a virus & can't go to nursery or childminder- if you have GP locally you might consider asking them. But if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer. But maybe you'll be lucky enough never to experience a childcare crisis, so go ahead and ration your baby's new GP's contact to once a fortnight strictly by appointment only.

So you should go against what you feel is right to leverage possible childcare later?! That’s ridiculous.

Some women (myself included) needed more time without visitors. Many Visits were too much in the early months. People were asked to check before they came over.

Childcare was done later as agreed by both parties. Grandparents were never guilted for saying no. Everyone is allowed to have their own lives and preferences.

Post petunia anxiety is very common. For some the pressure of such requests can cause worry and stress.

Worrying about someone wanting to take the baby and the judgment. Feeling pushed into a corner. A lot will cave in when they don't want to and then spiral when the baby is gone.

From my point it was better for people just not to put me in that position.

Hithere

I can think several reasons

Imagine your wish to be a mother is finally a reality and you just want to enjoy your baby

It is common for the mothers to become very protective of the baby - biologically increases the chances for survival

It also depends on your relationship with the parents of the child and the person suggesting it

Those reasons you give are excellent reasons why a mother might not want / might turn down offers of help, but still don't, for me, explain why it is unacceptable across the board for a grandparent even to offer.

However, this has strayed from the OP.

She has made the 'offer of help' (albeit, it seems, as a roundabout way of asking to visit).

The offer has not been taken up, which I think us an equally subtle indication that help/a visit is not currently welcome.

I think she would be wise to take the hint, and accept that, for the time being at least, the new little family want their own space, and she should leave the ball in their court, so to speak.

.... "if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer"

Of course, nobody said GP is on call.

It's fine saying that it's up to the parents, nothing to do with the GPs. You can't argue against that even if it doesn't fit with what your own family did. However, when the GC are a little older and a night out with DH might be welcome, then it is totally OK for those GPs to say, oh I don't want to go out on a winter night, get a baby sitter. And when the child-care costs are mounting and you need someone to pick them up from nursery or look after them when they have a virus & can't go to nursery or childminder- if you have GP locally you might consider asking them. But if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer. But maybe you'll be lucky enough never to experience a childcare crisis, so go ahead and ration your baby's new GP's contact to once a fortnight strictly by appointment only.

I can think several reasons

Imagine your wish to be a mother is finally a reality and you just want to enjoy your baby

It is common for the mothers to become very protective of the baby - biologically increases the chances for survival

It also depends on your relationship with the parents of the child and the person suggesting it

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hithere

Mamacaz

Yes, yes it is

If it comes from the parents of the child, then it is ok

But why? I genuinely don't get it - not as a general rule to be applied by all families, anyway.

Such a rigid, one-sided stance on this just seems so strange to me. Still, all families are different.

It seems that I am so fortunate to have two lovely DiLs who took no offence at my offer of help, if they wanted it, right from the start. Quite the opposite, they were delighted.

Mamacaz

Yes, yes it is

If it comes from the parents of the child, then it is ok

Daisy79

Newmom101

Just to say I wouldn’t do as a pp suggested and offer to take the baby out in the pram yet. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking my two out at that age and I’m pregnant with DC3 now and won’t be letting anyone do so this time round either. I’d wait to be asked or offered the chance to do that.

I’d say once a week is fine if that’s how much you saw them before. Just maybe let them know you are available more frequently if wanted/needed and maybe next time you see DIL say to her that you are available to help if needed.

I agree, NewMom. In later months, I was happy to have my MIL take our son out for walks. But I couldn’t bear to be separated from my newborn for that long. We were constantly pressured for alone time walks (as well as for sleepovers) from day one. It wasn’t about not wanting my MIL to spend time with our son; I just honestly couldn’t handle being away from our child for more than a handful of minutes in those first weeks.

I fully understand that some mums wouldn't want anyone taking their young baby out in the pram, but is it really so wrong for a grandparent to suggest it - as long, of course, that they 100% accept any refusal by the parents and don't attempt to make them change their minds in any way?

Newmom101

Just to say I wouldn’t do as a pp suggested and offer to take the baby out in the pram yet. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking my two out at that age and I’m pregnant with DC3 now and won’t be letting anyone do so this time round either. I’d wait to be asked or offered the chance to do that.

I’d say once a week is fine if that’s how much you saw them before. Just maybe let them know you are available more frequently if wanted/needed and maybe next time you see DIL say to her that you are available to help if needed.

I agree, NewMom. In later months, I was happy to have my MIL take our son out for walks. But I couldn’t bear to be separated from my newborn for that long. We were constantly pressured for alone time walks (as well as for sleepovers) from day one. It wasn’t about not wanting my MIL to spend time with our son; I just honestly couldn’t handle being away from our child for more than a handful of minutes in those first weeks.

Congratulations!

I’m a mother to an almost two year; I sometimes comes here for advice and perspective.

My mother in law was very much at odds with us when it came to her expectations about “helping” and how much she would be visiting. She was expecting a lot more than we were comfortable with.

It says a lot that you have taken the time to read up (and realize their needs arent personal against you), are trying to be respectful of their space, and want to word things correctly.

I wouldn’t overthink what you’re writing, but I would try to manage your expectations of how often to visit and what those visits look like. I would also try to not make comparisons about who you think will have a stronger bond with this new bundle of joy. It’s not a contest and it’s unlikely an infant is truly going to bond with anyone besides their primary caretakers. Most of the time, that’s mom and dad. I assure you that if you’re visiting more than once a month, you will grow a strong bond with your grandchild. If anything, allowing a healthy little bit of space can create the air relationships need to breathe and flourish.

Each growing family is going to vary in their need for help, as well as space or time together. For me, weekly visits were the most I could comfortably manage. I would’ve preferred once every other week, but my MIL actually wanted to visit multiple times a week. So once a week (twice max) was our compromise.

Please also understand that not every new family wants help, and try to recognize what you consider help maybe not be considered help to them. My mother in law viewed her helping role as coming here, holding my newborn the entire time, telling me to go do something else, and resisting giving my child back when he fussed or we wanted to nurse. She also constantly gave unsolicited advice and comments about feeding, what she did differently with her own children when they were babies, why she thought current guidelines were silly, etc. True help for us would’ve been asking us to text a grocery list or bringing our favorite takeout so we could focus on our child. Grandparents are NOT servants and under no obligation to help with household chores, but if asked, many parents would welcome help with emptying the diaper bin, folding laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Those were simple chores that we often found ourselves weighing against a few minutes of sleep.

What you’re describing sounds more like a visit, so I’d phrase it as such. Everyone is different, but I actually would’ve preferred a text saying, “How are you all doing? Would it be okay for me to visit on x day for a couple hours?” rather than constant calls and texts saying, “I can come help!” when I knew her definition of help was the opposite of what we needed or were comfortable with.

Don’t forget that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Your grandchild won’t remember these first years, but they will remember the memories you build in later years.

I also think once a week is fine for visits. Reading between the lines, it appears you are worried that the maternal grandparents visit more often than you; this is quite normal in the early days ( young mums recovering from childbirth/surgery understandably feel more relaxed with their own mums) but it doesn't necessarily mean that the maternal grandparents will have a closer bond with the baby. I would also offer to help with chores when you visit, rather than concentrate on the baby. Taking round a meal or some shopping I am sure would also be very welcome.

It's a minefield alright. Once a week is plenty so count your blessings of you see your GC that often. I would say twice a month is more than enough. It's hard for the parents to get organized to see people when the baby's so young. Give them space if you want to be a good gran

OP

Thank you for realizing that your expectations could be the problem.

Once a week for 2 hours is amazing!
6 weeks for you may have felt like 2 weeks for them - the perspective of time is not the same for you as it is for the new parents.

Parental vs maternal grandparents- let's not generalize this myth
It all depends on the relationship you had with both parents of the child before pregnancy, your relationship with your son before and after he got married