After many years of thinking we would never be blessed with grandchildren, our beloved grandson was born 4 months ago. However, what I envisaged versus reality are very different. My DIL is exceptionally close to her mother and sister although we live nearer than her mother does. Her mother has baby-sat twice and sister a couple of times for short periods but we are yet to have the pleasure although we are booked for April after a quiet word with our son.
DIL is also very close to her aunt who is visiting from abroad this week so they are out every day. We do get to see our grandson on average once a week but as my husband says it feels 'like an appointment' with start and finish times given to us.
It doesn't help that I lost my mum when she was 35 and I was 14 (sister 10). My MIL was not particularly interested or helpful in any way. I keep making offers of help but they are never accepted. I would have jumped at the chance to take up the type of offers I make. I feel wretched and consumed with envy during a time I was expecting to be joyful. Has anyone else been through similar? Any advice would be most gratefully received.
@Babushka1 that's generally because the mother of the baby will be taking care of 80-90% of childcare so, if childcare isn't equal, it's unlikely the balance of access will be equal unless the bond with a DIL is strong.
What type of relationship do you have with your DIL? Generally women (as we know) are the main childcare and it's expected they are the kin-keepers too so if you're not particularly close to your DIL, it makes sense that she would make plans with her own family and trust them with her baby. It also makes sense that she would gravitate towards her own mother when seeking advice on motherhood. I'm not saying that it's JUST her baby but men are often at work/not dealing with the day to day so childcare and access will generally be planned by the mother of the baby. Your grandchild isn't going anywhere, you have many more years to build a relationship and bond. I would advise you don't compare the relationships of other people (each relationship is unique and things don't have to be equal) and instead focus on making any time you have with your DIL and baby as fun as possible.
Once a week sounds perfectly reasonable, tbh.
We didn’t have anyone babysit our children before one year.
The reality is people who raise their sons to be family oriented and considerate don’t look to someone else’s child to facilitate their family relationships just because that other person is a woman.
The reality is that emotionally healthy people don’t keep tallies of visits or engage in competitive grandparenting.
This post is 4 years old but no doubt relevant. I had to smile at one post from the mother of four daughters and no sons, saying, parents have rights to their children and gp no rights.
The reality is girls stick to their mothers (usually) lots are resentful of mil although they fell for the son she raised. My d mil saw gc as much as I did.
1summer if only all maternal grandmothers were like you. What a wonderful woman you are. You encouraged your daughter to let the paternal grandmother be more involved. No maternal grandmother knows exactly what we go through. It is physically painful. I have heard so many people say that it isn't a competition. Well the fact is, it is utterly unfair to us paternal grandmothers who want to be involved in our grandchildren's life. So, from where we are standing...which is further away than you.... it seems to be a competition as it is always unfair and it always favours the maternal grandmothers . I wonder if the maternal grandparents would say that it wasn't a competition if they weren't as involved?? Stop being so insensitive. And maybe encourage your daughter's to involve us paternal grandmothers more and not as an after thought.
Lots of excellent advice in this thread - well done and thank you!
Germanshepherdsmum
No such thing as grandparents’ rights in the UK.
No need.
Parents have 'rights' to their children, not GP rights.
I’m a very hands on Maternal grandmother who has from the start supported my daughter when she was so tired in the beginning, helped with housework, listened to her suffering with PTS from the birth and watched her blossom into an amazing mum.
My daughter wouldn’t have felt comfortable going through that in front of anyone else so please don’t feel slighted as they are trying to find their feet in their new sleep deprived role as parents.
Our DGS was born in lockdown and for the first year of his life SIL did not allow us within 2 metres of him.
He is now nearly three and it has become clear over recent visits that DH and I are not to have any contact with him except supervised by one of his parents.
DH has asked his DD about this, but she has been evasive, so we are none the wiser. His paternal grandparents look after him two days a week and have done for nearly two years.
SIL is very much a helicopter parent (always hovering), but not to have the simple pleasure of taking DGS to the park for an hour is upsetting for both of us.
MarySa I suggest you start your own new thread..many posters will only read original post on this thread and then comment and will not see your request for advice
Sarah wrote:
"I don’t think it’s anything to do with primal instinct. Most men will acquiesce for an easy life."
So true in all manner of social situations!
Elizabeth is quite right; paternal grandparents do tend to lose out in our society. This happens especially when the maternal families concerned are traditional people.
You did well to ask the grans, as you will find here a lot of practical ideas to see the baby more often.
I get on well with my son and daughter in law and they have just been to stay over Xmas. Granddaughter is nearly 3 years and lovely. Daughter in law anxious over feeding and offers 3 or 4 alternatives every mealtime which she does not eat much of. Plenty of energy though. No set bedtime either and she takes a time to settle and daughter in law has to lie next to her. Still wakes at least once a night and cries for half an hour. Daughter in law has to lie down next to her again I believe. Son seems not to worry and they both get on together well. Temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. Daughter in law looks stressed and tired. They don't live close but we visit every month and take her out for the afternoon. I did say one or two things, I probably shouldn't have. But I feel for them especially my D i L who seems tired, she said she was.
Me too, I felt tired! Any advice would be welcome. D I L works, other granny looks after her part time. Part time nursery place may come up soon. Any advice welcome.
PLease, please do NOT just pop round. OMG New Parents just four months in, trying to sort out a whole new life for themselves. Nothing could be worse than someone just popping round.
ONe of my daughters who had a good reltionshop with her MIL - fell out big time with her because that is what she kept doing when a baby was born.
There is no competitions between g.parents, and a baby is for life, not just a few months.
Just be happy that you are seeing this babe reasonably often, as it grows older will probably be more times, provided you do not alienate the parents now.
Be supportive, maybe doing some washng or ironing, etc not just visiting to see babe, but recognising the adults needs.
I understand totally where you are coming from .. I have this issue .. but I keep telling myself it’s my problem not theirs and I’ve looked up lots of advice on google
One article suggested to look at a different angle and understand that my contribution is important but njst different that’s all and I feel personally that as long as everyone is well and happy then hubby and I are going with the flow … they have also been through a lot before this pregnancy and we are doting grandparents .. also we are paternal grandparents to 3 other beautiful grandchildren too .. I do all I can not to whinge and moan as this just looks awful and gives me as the one who is the problem .. I keep my dignity and I live and breath my babies .. adore my sons and their wives are fantastic wives and mothers so I’m taking all the good from tbis .. I’ve known grandparents to lose contact all together because they just couldnt handle the situation and mauve said to much .., life is too short and I will never allow myself to be the issue .:: I love our babies too much for that and let’s face it .., at my age … I’m 59 .. life is too short .. I want our babies to remember us as gracious with dignity .. human yes …. but memories of us that will positive and loving 🤗❤️❤️
We were in the same situation as you bluesparkle. You can’t help how your heart feels. You love that little boy with all your heart and when other people get to spend time cuddle & love them while you are turned away / not considered / rejected, it hurts.
The way we dealt with it was to say “ we are here whenever you need us. Just ask”.
A few months down the line when the novelty of a new baby had worn off. We got to see much more of him.
A final thank you to everyone, although I do feel some of you have reacted rather strongly! I was simply airing my feelings and asking if anyone had experienced similar. Many of you have been very helpful. I am more relaxed (or certainly presenting as such) about things now and it seems to have helped in all directions. Thank you again, I will now park this thread. Best wishes to all x
Kind of mean-spirited, some of you.
Willow78
I definitely wouldn’t recommend just popping round. My PIL used to turn up without notice when my baby was little snd I really could have done without it! I once pulled my curtains and didn’t answer the door only for them to let themselves in to ‘check ‘ on us.
Usually mums become far more open to visits snd want babysitting once the children get a bit older and more irritating lol
Barleycorn. Please don’t allow this situation with money to continue. People can only walk all over you if you lay down and allow it. You and your DH spend your money on yourselves.
‘It’s my turn now, you’ve had your go’ - just like toys in the playground. Completely childish and unedifying.
You are already keeping a tally of whether youbsee the child as much as the other grandparent!! Please don't!!!
A friend of mine married "the boy next door", their mothers were friends as well as neighbours. Then grandchild(ren) came along and suddenly she had problems because the two grandmother's were keeping a tally and each expected to see the baby an equal number of times to the other; and to take it in turns to babysit.
My poor friend ended up totally stressed out by it all!!
Just be grateful for the time "they choose" to give you, it's not your god-given right and if you kick off, they could perfectly legitimately cut you off from "their child" altogether.
BARLEYCORN , so sorry , its so sad but never stop loving them .
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