Need advice

Good ideas from Bibbity I think you need some free time to decide how you want to move forward 55katie with all your family commitments not just your granddaughter. When you have decided what is reasonable to offer then sit down and discuss it with your children. You are doing a great deal of child care and you deserve some time for yourself now. Your son and his girlfriend need to take responsibility for their child. Good luck.

Book that holiday.. tell them when you get back you will be available two days a week.. you choose the days to suit YOU.. they have to make alternative arrangements for the rest of the time.
And as of 1st September your son and daughter have to find alternative accommodation... they need to grow up... he can move in with his girlfriend AND THEIR CHILD or they can rent...just like millions of other people... and your daughter can flat share for the six months she is working FLAT OUT TO EARN MONEY TO TRAVEL.... so she will be too busy to care where she lives...
You have done all the child-raising you need to do.. they are both adults.. let them adult.
They are taking you for a mug!
Your life is just as important and valuable as theirs. It makes my blood boil when adult children use their parents like this.
You do you... they will survive.. they wont like it...but they WILL survive.. and they may just eventually, finally, show some respect for their mother!

Katie, this far far far tooooooo much. Long days 5 days a week and then your little GD is with you some weekends too ( even though her father is us with her) please pull up your big girl pants and put a stop to this. I find their expectations unreasonable. What about you , meeting friends , engaging in a hobby or attending a class. You must be exhausted ? !! This huge commitment leaves you no time at all for yourself, this is absolutely unbelievable - beggars belief . I am speechless. It is difficult to stop but you must do it ASAP. I recognise how distressed you are and I am not surprised, please remember this is not your child and not your responsibility. They are abusing your kind heart and taking advantage of you . Please stand up to them . Good luck and get that holiday booked!

The first thing to say Katie is that you are not "going on" and it's good that you've found somewhere to talk about how you're feeling.

You're being taken for granted and this is clearly affecting your well being which is why you need to put a stop to it.

The suggestions to book a break away are excellent and I hope you'll do this. As has been said by others, as much as you love your GD, she isn't your D, she's theirs and their responsibility not yours.

I hope you'll do as Bibbity has suggested, and say you're no longer available one day a week because for example you've joined a club.

It's time to take your life back and I wish you well.

Just read the message from Bibbity regarding nursery, that is a really good idea. Follow this up with the LA.

Hello Katie I can read how upset you are and what a strain this is putting on you. I am so sorry.
You must explain to them that you cannot do all this. Think it through and see if you think you will be happy with perhaps two days a week and then tell them.
If you don't you are going to be ill. You need some quiet time to yourself.
I hope you can find the strength to do this before you are poorly.
Take care Katie, sending love and hugs

I would bet any money that your GD would be eligible for nursery contributions for UC.

Have they even bothered to look into it?
I would start forming boundaries slowly if you don't want to do it in one swoop.

Next time you see you DS tell him
"Just to let you know I'm away X to Y so you will have to make arrangements for GD"

The say you can't do Friday (as example) any more as you are joining a new club.

Then sit them down and state that the arrangement will come to an end on X date and you will no longer have the resources to help.

That sounds like lots of very hard work. I do think it is wrong of them to not take your needs and feelings into account. They do not sound like the sort of people who are likely to listen without taking offence ..... but even if they did what are their other options? You hold the best hand here - they need you.

I do not think you have any other option than to think through your ideal scenario and tell them that this is what you want. It may be that you are happy to child-mind say 2 days a week - then tell them that. They will have to find their own alternatives for the other days. It is your home.

Do you get paid for childcare? You could always become a registered minder and take on another child (paid) and say to DS since you are doing it anyway, why not make a business of it
I will bet a stranger would give you more respect.
Don't let yourself get to breaking point Katie
Book a holiday and give them plenty of warning. A break may give you time and strength to build your confidence to make a rational decision. You don't want to lose DGD and you needn't, perhaps you could look out for a suitable carer for her for some of the week.

My first thought was that the child doesn't see much of her parents, but maybe that's how it is for many nowadays.
Katie you know what you want. Quote "I want my home, just me". You need to speak to a counsellor and learn how to be assertive, so you can state exactly what you want to your son and daughter and DiL. They all need to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
Your life is important too.

Assertiveness training is what you need, katie. They are all taking you for a mug.

Sorry for going on and one but, no one to talk to. No friends as she died and cannot speak with sister because she works and has always made me feel inferior. My son gives me the speech of her family are heavy drinkers and smoke and I don’t. But, it’s the saving or the lack of it that’s getting to me and the going out and now they are talking of going on holiday. I really want to pull the plug. I’m sat her crying and wanting to run away. I want my home just me not my daughter and not my son. I love my granddaughter so much.

They all give me the guilt trip and to be honest I feel like I want to run away but, the big pull is my granddaughter when I have approached the subject I get well it’s only till September. Think my big crux is the girlfriend she doesn’t come in stands at the door to collect my granddaughter or in the doorway then goes I feel to her and in her eyes I am just someone who minds not a grandma. Then she criticises me to my son and he tells me and it hurts. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her. Not to say too much. Feel like I’m going to blow it’s just when..

I don’t get anytime my daughter who lives at home said I need to sort it. By the way my both my son and daughter are in there 30s.. My daughter comes home works for 6 months then goes travelling I feel like my house is a hostel. It’s only small bungalow and only has two bedrooms they bed hop one sleeps in the day and the other has at night.

All you can do is to tell the truth. Say while you enjoy looking after your GD full time is 2 much. Offer say 2 days a week and leave it to them to make alternative arrangements.

They are not married and effectively my son lives at home and she lives at hers. He goes to hers at the evening and weekends. But, he comes home in the afternoons sleeps the has tea a bath then goes and takes my granddaughter home. It’s a bad situation.

I know no time to do anything. The problem is my son lives at home so also when he comes he brings her too at weekends. When she was a baby I had her two days and her other nanna had her one and sister had her two days. That changed as soon as she was walking talking and not wanting sleep in the day. Then the sister had a baby the other nanna took on more work and then it was me. I don’t know how to approach things without sounding mean.

That’s an awful lot of hours 5 days a week, you certainly are being taken for granted! I think they have a cosy little set up here, spending money like water, don’t seem to be thinking about you at all 55Katie, it’s time to think of yourself here, while you are looking after your granddaughter they are having an easy ride!

Son and Daughter-in-law, not daughter

55katie - you are doing so much - that’s exhausting. 20 years ago (until 5 years ago) when I was much younger than you, I looked after daughter’s children, for a couple of days a week. About 7 years ago, my youngest son asked me to help out with his little one. I, very politely explained that I just couldn’t do it, as I was committed to daughters children and it would be too much for me. I also didn’t feel so guilty because I knew they could afford childminders. I know, some on here will think that if I could do it for my daughter, I should be able to do it for my son’s children. But I am.so many years older.
Anyway, son and daughter were disappointed at first, but no harm was done to our relationship.
See how you feel, and if you think it’s too much, you must tell them. Sooner rather than later. Good luck!

By the way, what does your DH think about all this? Is he going along with all this?

Who’s daughter is she? Sorry but it almost reads as if you are the mother here - you’ve got her for 11 and 3/4 hours. I think you’re being taken for the proverbial. Put your foot down and insist they look after their daughter. You are well and truly being used as a doormat here.

You have truly been taken for granted. I don’t know how you can physically do all those hours. You must be exhausted. It’s very unreasonable of them to expect you to do it. You cannot have any life of your own. Surely you can’t even meet friends for a coffee or anything. I think it’s time you thought about yourself as they are having it easy. They chose to have a child but not prepared to look after her. Take a step back