Childcare demands

I wouldn't budge one little bit at this point in time, because if you do, this arrangement is likely to expand.

You have done the hard bit; we have lots of threads where grandparents do everything but breathe for their offspring.

This is nothing that can't be managed by someone with a highly paid partner, no pressing need, and the ability to pay to make things work out.

‘I said I wasn’t going to commit to anything until I worked out what I wanted in my retirement. She’s called me selfish and that my life is all about me!“

Honestly, I would lightly suggest to your daughter, perhaps with a smile, that she asks for some advice on Mumsnet “for some opinions”…

Her thoughts will be different (in a good way) when she comes back to you.

I completely agree that you should do what is best for you and it sounds like your DD is in a good position to manage without your help. I don’t like driving especially after dark soI wouldn’t be happy with the journey she is asking you to do. However I find retirement fairly boring and have no desire to involve myself in the activities some seem to enjoy. For me it’s all about family and I will do everything I can to help and spend time with them. These times are precious and, for me, they’re the best thing I could do.

What bibbity said

Hopefully the OP is on holiday even now as this post is quite old!

I agree with the majority here. I think she has a bloody cheek, and you should not give in. Even offering a compromise could be a mistake, as I suspect that if you give her an inch, she will take a mile!

You deserve to spend your retirement how you want.

midgey

Stick to your guns! You are not being selfish at all. Keep saying no.

Don’t let yourself be guilt tripped into doing anything you aren’t happy with. You are right, once you start you won’t be able to say no. I would tell her you are taking a six month break and that you can’t even think about babysitting till you’ve had a long awaited rest - and stick to it! Don’t let your daughter ruin those heady days of early retirement for you.

Thank you all for your comments. Most of you have confirmed my thoughts. X

don't agree to anything.
if you get roped in, it will take over your life.
just say no.
as you have been doing.
she can find a childminder if she really wants to.
sounds like she wants a personal servant: you.
good for you for standing up for yourself.

I never thought I’d have DGCs as both my DD’s were quite against and led carefree lives. I could relate to that, not having them until my late 20s/early 30s myself. I had no help from my parents, due to ill health and none from in-laws who couldn’t be bothered, and with other issues, I was unable to work, although I did voluntary work later. Things changed when DD1 had George. She works weekends and SIL is in the emergency services and works shifts. At 66, I was needed to provide regular weekend care - sometimes 2/3 X a month other months not at all.
Guess what? I absolutely loved it and I’m ashamed to admit I’m probably a better Gran than I was a Mum!
Now DD2 has a son and I’ve offered to babysit him one afternoon and evening every week. I don’t have G often for sleepovers now, but pick him up from Pre-School once a week. I don’t consider it much of a dent in my free time and at 71, it’s time with them I shall never get back.
It’s a 50 mile round trip and costs £11 in diesel, so if I have to give up a bottle of wine and a fish and chip takeaway, so be it.

How often do you see your DD and her family as it is? I’d try and discuss things with your DD - was she looked after by your parents/in laws, so you could work?
As others have said - is there an after-school club, a registered child minder or would another Mum take the child home for a couple of hours and you fill in one session a week and say you’ll let her know how that pans out. As she hasn’t got a job yet, that might be harder as it sounds as she’s quite rural? Perhaps your DD will get bored at work too and pack it in? She sounds ‘temperamental’ so I’d tread gently.

Well, Lynette I know what I would say to my daughter if she made demands on me like that. I would tell her firmly that, given the toll my last ten years at work had taken on me physically and mentally, I would need at least 2 years rest to restore my health before I could even consider anything as demanding as doing what she asked.

Your daughter mentioned collecting her daughter 2 or 3 days a week. How long before that gets extended to needing you to care for her all day 2 or 3 days a week in holidays.

You recognise that your daughter is prone to using emotional blackmail. I presume that is because she knows it works. The way to resist it is to say 'No' and keep saying 'No', do not be tempted to start negotiating, or responding to her aarguments or what she says, just say 'No' and get your husband to back you. I appreciate as he is not her father, he feels he cannot really be firm with her, but as your DH he can make clear to her that what you wants goes and she is not to try and brow beat you into submission.

Why on earth should she think that your life should be all about fitting in with her? Do what you want to do. She has to do what she has to do to make life work for her and that ISN'T taking over her mums life!!

She is absolutely right... you ARE being selfish!
She is absolutely right... it IS all about you!
And she will have to cope... just as you did!

Let her get on with it... and you get on with being retired... enjoy every minute of your freedom!

Petrol prices being what they are right now, you have the perfect excuse for saying NO!

You had it anyhow and did say no, so stick to your guns.

Next time she tells you that your life is all about you, ignore her, or say that you have no intention of submitting to emotional blackmail.

She can afford to pay for child care, so let her do just that.

2 - 3 days after school may sound OK but the impact is way beyond how it sounds.

I know I worry from lunchtime onwards about making sure I'm not late on the days I collect my GD from school, so it takes up a lot more of the day than at first sight. it stops me doing some things in the morning as they go on until 1pm and I worry about being late.
Like you I have a journey to her house so leave here after lunch, collect GD and take her home, cook tea and stay with her until Mum gets home, then drive home usually arriving here around 8.
I don't do this regularly, just when asked, so a couple of times a month at present. I wouldn't do it more often.

If she plans to return to work then she will also need childcare for school holidays. If you provide after school care then it sounds like she would expect the same in the holidays. We look after the grandchildren one day a week and some days in the holidays but that was entirely our choice and both parents need to work.
Regular childcare is restricting so if you don’t want to do it, say no firmly. You have a right to do what suits you. She’ll just have to wait a little longer to return to work. ?

Who's the selfish one here? Certainly not you. Your daughter is being unreasonable.

Tell her you need at least a year or two to recover from your lifetime of working. Just keep repeating it if she objects.

If you feel able, make her a firm offer to have your grand-daughter one or two days a week during school holidays. Other than that she will have to find a local childminder. It would be different if she was struggling financially or a single parent - but she isn't.

Stick to your gun! Your DD is in the privileged position of being able to pay for child care - many people are not so fortunate! After school club is an idea she should be thinking about. I have had G C one day a week for a long time , although during Covid my DD was scared we might catch Covid so she made alternative arrangements. Your DD is expecting too much of you , two or three days after school childcare is a huge commitment. My daughters would never call me selfish and if they did I would be furious!!!! If you feel you can offer one day of after school care then do , if not the answer must be 'no.'
If you do decide to help her she may need remaining that it is you dishing out a favour - not the other way round!!!!!

I look after my 2 grandchildren 2 days a week and do enjoy it. But you must do what suits you.
I agreed with my daughter I would do this prior to her becoming pregnant as she could not afford childcare. I also work part time and am 60 but I feel it keeps me young.
Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed but we talk about it and I have a break.
Having said that my relationship with my GC is so wonderful it makes up for that. But in the end if you offer help it must be why you want to do or you may resent it .

It's very difficult. We do 2 days a week different DGC. DD2 is a nurse and single parent - hours are set and not flexible. Wrap around nursery during holidays starts at 8 not 7.30 so it means I will have to take DGS2 3 days a week to nursery and we have him 1 day a week for the whole summer holidays. She will be able to get an earlier bus but will need to finish 5 minutes early to pick him up and a colleague is moaning. She will be in 10 minutes early in the morning to cover it. Other DD is a teacher and her DH a policeman so she is off during holidays but their children have multiple after school activities so termtime is a manic rush! However I do love to see my grandchildren. Could you maybe agree one day a week? And ask her to see what help is available.

Please, do what you want to do and don't be browbeated into it. If she calls you selfish, so what, it is your life to do as you please. I am in a similar position and wish I'd never committed myself to CC when I retired. Good luck and start enjoying your retirement.

Is your daughter offering to reimburse you for your travelling costs for the hour-long round trips? Would you be expected to take your granddaughter home later as well? Feed her? What about school holidays, would you find yourself being expected to provide three full days of childcare a week? Teacher training days? Days when your granddaughter is poorly and can't go to school?

Practice saying "No" and stick to your retirement plans, they sound perfect to me ?

Lynette55

"She’s called me selfish and that my life is all about me!"

Agree with her! She's absolutely correct. And so you should be. You've earned your right to retire, and should not blindly commit yourself to providing childcare for her.

There are ample childminders around and/or wrap around care at schools these days. It's not as though she won't be able to return to work if you don't provide childcare. She has options.

And you have every right to live your retirement out the way your choose to. And if that doesn't include providing free childcare, then that's your choice.

You do what you feel is right for your well-being! Quite honestly I think she’s got a blooming cheek, she’s the one that’s being selfish expecting it! She has a husband with a very well paid job, so surely she can afford childcare, and as for saying you should put your children first I think she needs to realise she’s 40 years old not a child, she has a husband, you have retired, it’s your time now, fair enough if it’s something you wanted to do that’s different, you stick to your guns Lynette,

There are such things as after school clubs. I’d suggest them to your daughter.
Stick to your guns - it’s time for you yourself now. Or offer to do maybe 1 day of after school if it’s agreeable to you.