Looking for some advice

Singlegran, well done.
Just one thought. You have said the end of September. They may need to put the child into nursery in early September in line with the school year, so be prepared for a slightly earlier finish, possibly even a sudden one.

SingleGram - your update is appreciated as some posters never come back to say whether they acted on advice, and if it worked. Interesting that it was a proper letter that had the effect - might be useful to others.

To everyone here that gave me the most helpful advice thanks very much. I wanted to let you know how it worked out for me. I told them in writing as they were not listening to me. It was the best way not an email or a text in a letter. I was straight to the point and left no loopholes but gave them plenty of time. I told them the end of September I would not be able to continue with the childcare everyday due to another obligation that left only Fridays open which I would be happy to care for her on that day.
So they did try to coerce (sp) me since they see me there still but I am sticking to my guns and yesterday I saw a brochure for a daycare laying on the kitchen counter so I think it has sunk in.
As to what they did to thank me as some people asked did they treat me to lunch etc. none of those things. I am a diabetic and bring all my own food with me but certainly can eat out however no...they figure they are doing me a favour by allowing so much time with my granddaughter. They will find out soon enough that not everyone will love her like we do and unfortunately she does have some challenging behavoirs that nothing I do stops. She is so frustrated and so I just restrain her by hugging her for a bit. This is not something I dealt with raising my own children so perhaps it will resolve as she gets older. She is very bright but hits her head and anyone around her mostly when tired.
Anyways I am doing it until the end of September and have yet to hear anything more about the Friday I offered. Time will tell. I think that being able to say this in this forum to other grandmother's was most helpful and I appreciate every response and suggestion! Have a wonderful week.

Daddima

‘ I’ve decided I can’t look after child any more, so I’ll be giving up on date. That should give you time to make other arrangements’

No explanation necessary.

I absolutely agree !!

Thanks for all the suggestions. Based on what I know about past attempts (and being realistic) I think the straight to the point is how it will have to be. I am thinking of giving them 7 weeks notice so in September they might enroll her in something. They actually are about an hour away from anything! That probably is the reason it is so hard for me not to be able to leave. I think that if I could leave with her even for a short outing I would stay however not sure I should bring that up as it could backfire somehow!

Remind them too that you are one person, not two, so no one to share care with, or talk to, and never get a chance to have a break,

I think you should tell them 2-3 days is too much, your doctor has told you to cut back and rest, on the driving as much as the child watching. Tell them you would love to do 1 day (give this a go? You may regret stopping altogether once you're a bit better rested?) as you cherish the time and you know dgd does too. I would point out that if you work yourself past the point that is healthy for you you will likely become less reliable due to sickness etc, and that you desperately don't want to let them down. WHEN they try to brush you off, as I'm sure they will, be firm and just say 'hear me, i love you all, but i cannot continue like this, i need help from my family to stay healthy here.

It sounds like they are:

a) trying to hold you up to her parents standards - which isn't fair, people are different, they have different strengths etc, and
b) waiting for you to fall short?

Tell them you aren't dils parents, and you can only do what you can do.

Do they treat you to meals? Take you out for lunch? Cook for you?

They sound just awful. I’m really sorry.

I’d send a message saying you won’t be committing to regular childcare after the school holidays as it’s too much for you now. You’ve loved spending all that time with X and still want to see her and them all regularly, but as a grandma not as childcare. Please do get in touch in emergencies as of course you’ll step in if you can.

If they cut you off then they are vile scum ?

what if they don't care how she feels.
then she has given them ammunition to use against her.
if they had her doing duty shortly after major surgery, it don't sound like they give a monkey's how things affect her.
she needs to look out for herself.

welbeck

Daddima

‘ I’ve decided I can’t look after child any more, so I’ll be giving up on date. That should give you time to make other arrangements’

No explanation necessary.

this.
don't discuss, don't try to negotiate.
just tell them, or better by text/email. for records.
sounds like you were trying to get their permission previously. that is tail wagging dog.
don't be a people-pleaser.
good luck.

That sounds so straightforward to do doesn't it SingleGram! However I suspect what is stopping you is the fear that you just wont see them or your grandchild any more if you give up. Could you sit the parents down and tell them that much as you love them and love your grandchild the care is just becoming too much for you now. But that you are so worried that if you give up you would miss them all so much. Be honest about your fears. Talk it through

Having said that only you can know if that sort of conversation is feasible with your son and DIL or whether it will be "used against you!"

Daddima

‘ I’ve decided I can’t look after child any more, so I’ll be giving up on date. That should give you time to make other arrangements’

No explanation necessary.

this.
don't discuss, don't try to negotiate.
just tell them, or better by text/email. for records.
sounds like you were trying to get their permission previously. that is tail wagging dog.
don't be a people-pleaser.
good luck.

Tell your son and his partner you have had enough ! They are taking advantage of you big time , your sons partner has rules about you taking the child in your car !!! WHAT??? MY DD and SIL are low wage earners but manage nursery fees. It seems to me your DS and his partner want it all their own way . Even one day a week is a great offer - that's what I do . Nursery the rest if the week. I would not do childcare in their house I prefer my own territory! Daughter drops her off and collects her , she is more than happy for me to take her out in my car , and is grateful for the help I given. You are being taken fir a ride - put a stop to it asap.

It's time to put your cards in the table, they are well and truly taking advantage of you and treating you like a doormat. Only you can put this right so put on your big girls pants and speak out.

SingleGram - it sounds like your son and dil are anxious first time parents who only want their child cared for by family members! The refusal to allow you to take her in car is also due to anxiety.

Have you met the other grandparents and do you ever talk to them? You mentioned that they cannot do more childcare than the current arrangements, so they may also be finding it hard, even though there are 2 of them. If you managed to chat to them you might find they also see the need for her to mix with other children and also do less childcare!

To make sure you can continue having contact, could you cut down to one day a week?

It would mean they'd have to find other childcare for the day and a half you can't do, but that's life.

I look after my 4 year old grandson, but he's at nursery for 3 hours every day, and will be off to school in September so it'll just be before and after school then.

Would also say child care is always much harder fir one person. Two can take it in turns and have a break, but one person has to do it all. You might point this out.

If you only did one day a week then they would have to find somewhere fir the other 2 days, not ask her oarents to cover fir that too. Clearly it’s not the cost of care if they are both in good jobs. There must be nurseries etc within half hour drive, what will happen when she goes to school. That will require getting her there and back or us transport laid on. Either way pre school children need to socialise and a nursery would provide that opportunity. . I know Canada is big but Surely there is a town somewhere where they shop, see a doctor/dentist, buy petrol, have a meal out? School, church, nursery?
They, not you, are responsible for their child’s care and if you are finding it too much they will have to sort something else out.
I would be very upset if I wasn’t trusted to drive my gc, I know my dd is nervous if we do, but but has to accept it as necessary sometimes.
I suppose they may think you are seeing enough of your gd as you are there 2 or 3 times a week, but it’s not the same as a social visit when parents are present. When or if you stop/reduce the child care would hope your son woukd ensure you still see them all anyway. Be brave, have a chat and stick with your end plan. Good luck.

‘ I’ve decided I can’t look after child any more, so I’ll be giving up on date. That should give you time to make other arrangements’

No explanation necessary.

I meant to add to my post but do not know how to do it that I have cataracts in my eyes although that was never given as the reason why I am not allowed to drive her anywhere it is just my son's partner's rules. Her mother also had cataracts and drove her and she recently had the surgery but I am still waiting for them to say it is time. I only got my drivers license at the age of 60 so have only been a driver for 5 years but I believe I am a safe driver and have never had an accident. Their house is in a beautiful country setting but with the rivers and streams comes a lot of responsibility when outside. I can only do it for so long each day. It really isn't about the money for them as they are being super protective and although I could use the money it would not make the job any easier and not sure I want to be their employee. I think at this point she would actually benefit from some sort of contact with other children it is part of why it is so hard to care for her she wants me to play like children would. Most might have some of that in their neighbourhood but due to where they live I have not even seen another person let alone a child! I am in Canada by the way! Across the pond

Thanks so much for all the tips as I am sure many of you have gathered I have used a lot of excuses in the past to try to politely stop health etc but they did not accept it saying that she was easy. (I love her but at 3 she is not easy especially with no other children to play with living nearby) I suspect the only way to stop is to give no excuse or reason as they will counter it as they have in the past. I will have to be much tougher than I have been in the past and I do know there will be consequences as it is the only time that I see her. I can't offer less days as I did try that but they have the days divided up between the grandparents and they will not take the days I do not do so it just makes the day I am there stressful. She is not allowed to come to my apartment or go in my car as my daughter in law who is a vet can work different types of hours than say an office job so even her own parents have to come pick her up and take her to their house. Since they live in the country and she is not allowed in my car I have to stay there and there is nothing at all nearby. The other part of it isn't just that I will miss her, but she will miss me. She asks me all the time can she come with me or come to my house and I feel so bad. Under different circumstances I might be able to continue but I have to accept that these ARE the circumstances.

As for not seeing your gc so often, yes, it is a natural consequence of no longer babysitting as you do now.

However, you and your son could still arrange family visits

Why dont parents want to pay for daycare?Unless they have a good reason (medical, SN, etc), they are very selfish

Anyway, the gc will eventually go to school and your help wouldn't be needed anyway

You may have to give them a date and quit.
Or you can tell them what you can do (1 day a week, for example) and renegotiate new rules.

Look after yourself first

Very difficult situation to be in OP ...I hope you can work it out so you still get to see your GD

I think the core of the problem is that SingleGram feels that if she doesn't provide the free childcare she won't get to see her grandchild, as her son and partner visit only rarely, and don't live close by.
A difficult situation to discuss, as her son and partner seem overly critical and unappreciative.

The question is - who is looking after you and your welfare ? I honestly don't think you have any choice but to tell them the truth. All this is making you ill. Relationships aren't improving no matter what you do . Not visiting you is a crying shame. Why people are so unkind to others never ceases to amaze me especially when they have done nothing to deserve such treatment.
You love the child and want to help care for her but the time has come when you physically can't and they have a responsibility to you which won't have even occurred to them . It would be futile to point this out however but please bear this in mind. Good luck and be brave.