My place or your place?

NotSpaghetti

Mariana72 if your husband is expected to travel in the heat with no air-con I'd explain you can't do this so often because of your husband's heart.
Maybe ask if they would care to come over for lunch one day at a time of their choosing?

Well, I had a chat with my son just now over the phone. I pressed him to be straightforward and so he confirmed that he (not my daughter in law) is expecting visits to always happen at their house. I confess at that point I really did not want to take the conversation further so, that's that. I don't know where this is coming from. Very unreasonable, but then our children are adults just like us, they owe us nothing and they are the masters of their own life and that's how it should be. I guess we'll just see a whole lot less of each other from now on. What else is one to do?

Brilliant posts NotSpaghetti agree with you

The needs of a baby come first after the need of adults

Some babies do horribly bad in car seats, screaming bloody murder.

You choose to have a car without AC, I think you should address that - it is not for anybody else to mitigate it
Clearly you cannot use the car when it is this hot, for anything you need it for

Mariana72 if your husband is expected to travel in the heat with no air-con I'd explain you can't do this so often because of your husband's heart.
Maybe ask if they would care to come over for lunch one day at a time of their choosing?

NotSpaghetti

I suppose some of us, like M0nica know that parents are no1 in decisions about their little ones.

We all had our turn, now it's theirs.

I am lucky that my children choose to visit when they can but I'm very conscious that I don't try to push my ideas on them.
I think this is part of the reason why we have rubbed along so well together. Believe me, I'm as opinionated as the next grandmother but I've made a point of "saying it once" and then "zipping up".
Sometimes they come back to me having thought about whatever it is and follow my suggestion (or whatever).
I see this as family, and yes, there us "give-and-take" but I do try to ask for little and to give unconditional love and support (as required!).

Sorry, my earlier reply was to HiThere, not to you. I got confused.

NotSpaghetti

I suppose some of us, like M0nica know that parents are no1 in decisions about their little ones.

We all had our turn, now it's theirs.

I am lucky that my children choose to visit when they can but I'm very conscious that I don't try to push my ideas on them.
I think this is part of the reason why we have rubbed along so well together. Believe me, I'm as opinionated as the next grandmother but I've made a point of "saying it once" and then "zipping up".
Sometimes they come back to me having thought about whatever it is and follow my suggestion (or whatever).
I see this as family, and yes, there us "give-and-take" but I do try to ask for little and to give unconditional love and support (as required!).

I am all in favour of boundaries. I have made a point of thoroughly respecting all the boundaries they have put in place (even as they keep increasing in number). It so happens, though, that since we have been visiting at their place for the last 6 months and it is now 39º Celsius where they live (significantly cooler over here since we live on the open coast) and since we have an old car without AC and my husband's heart is not what it used to be, I was expecting a bit of flexibility with those "boundaries". But I guess I was wrong. Life is all about one getting one's expectations down to zero I guess

I suppose some of us, like M0nica know that parents are no1 in decisions about their little ones.

We all had our turn, now it's theirs.

I am lucky that my children choose to visit when they can but I'm very conscious that I don't try to push my ideas on them.
I think this is part of the reason why we have rubbed along so well together. Believe me, I'm as opinionated as the next grandmother but I've made a point of "saying it once" and then "zipping up".
Sometimes they come back to me having thought about whatever it is and follow my suggestion (or whatever).
I see this as family, and yes, there us "give-and-take" but I do try to ask for little and to give unconditional love and support (as required!).

OP

That mentality can get you in a lot of trouble

Even family has boundaries that make positive relationships happen

M0nica

Parents rules, rule. You have no say.

You have a peculiar view of family relations. It's not a business you know? It's family.

LOUISA1523

I guess ultimately it will always be their decision....although as they get older the parents will likely get cabin fever with a toddler in an apartment and be grateful to spend time at yours ...I hope all works out well

Haha, laughing about the cabin fever thing. )

Mine

Maybe it's easier for mum and dad to ask Grandparents and other family to come to them to see the baby....Also babies at that age bring a lot of baggage when they visit...Can you not just go with the flow till baby is older and see how things turn out...Think of people who don't see their grandchildren and would happily drive the 25 miles....Hope things get better Marrianna 72.....

You are wise. Yes, I know eventually this is what we will do even if it means visiting less often. I always took mine to visit the in-laws and never even dreamt of making a fuss about it and stuff turned out just fine. A little streamlining goes a long way when it comes to child rearing.

Doodledog

When my children were little ,we always had to go to my parents' house (also about 25 miles away) to see them. They were in their 50s, had retired and had a car, whereas we both worked full time as well as being very busy because we were working parents. My father died when my son was 2 and my daughter a baby, but this continued (us having to visit my mother) until they left home. I pointed out that the road runs both ways for the same number of miles, but to no avail. I don't drive, and my husband worked shifts, so it wouldn't have been easy for me to visit even if I wasn't working. It would have been nice if my mum had visited even occasionally. She could have picked the children up from school and taken them somewhere just the three of them, or timed it so that she arrived when I got in if she'd rather, but she never did so.

I don't have grandchildren (yet, I hope) but my children both live over 100 miles away in different cities. When/if they have children of their own I would still expect it to be us who visited them as long as my husband is able to drive, and if/when he can't, arrangements would be renegotiated depending on everyone's circumstances at the time. We are relatively busy, but not as much as a working family with children.

Hi, this is exactly what we did with my in-laws (my own parents lived abroad). Your exact situation. This makes me wonder, why does it always have to be all or nothing, a giver and a taker, why cannot people meet others half way, or even 30% of the way, ever? This is what really bugs me. We've been driving to my son's back and forth for the last almost 6 month. Would it be too much to take his super comfortable car with gas paid for by the company to come here once?

OP

Also get ready for parents to do what's better for them and baby, even if you dont agree

This is the first incident you encounter but not the last

Is it possible for you to try not to look at it as about rules? That has a coercive sound to it, and it doesn't seem to me that this is the case - it is just logistically easier for you to go to them.

Gosh, I wasn't expecting all these answers. This forum really is busy. Thank you very much for each and every one of them; i truly appreciate all the answers and each one has brought something to think about. I accept that I may be making up stuff in my mind without any real reason (?). It wasn't really the rule itself that bothered me, but its unyelding quality, that is something new in this relationship. But yes, like you all say, their child, their rules. Thank you very much again for all the replies. Will think about what you all wrote.

Maybe it's easier for mum and dad to ask Grandparents and other family to come to them to see the baby....Also babies at that age bring a lot of baggage when they visit...Can you not just go with the flow till baby is older and see how things turn out...Think of people who don't see their grandchildren and would happily drive the 25 miles....Hope things get better Marrianna 72.....

Have you asked them why Marianna?.

I

It is way easier for adults to visit a baby than vice versa

Packing all the stuff you need for a baby - is a lot! Baby wipes, diapers, clothes, baby bottle, toys, etc.

So yes, your son is not the unreasonable one, you are.

You judgement about their living location comes loud and clear.

Be happy your son and gc facilitate visits and do not create a problem that doesnt exist.

When my children were little ,we always had to go to my parents' house (also about 25 miles away) to see them. They were in their 50s, had retired and had a car, whereas we both worked full time as well as being very busy because we were working parents. My father died when my son was 2 and my daughter a baby, but this continued (us having to visit my mother) until they left home. I pointed out that the road runs both ways for the same number of miles, but to no avail. I don't drive, and my husband worked shifts, so it wouldn't have been easy for me to visit even if I wasn't working. It would have been nice if my mum had visited even occasionally. She could have picked the children up from school and taken them somewhere just the three of them, or timed it so that she arrived when I got in if she'd rather, but she never did so.

I don't have grandchildren (yet, I hope) but my children both live over 100 miles away in different cities. When/if they have children of their own I would still expect it to be us who visited them as long as my husband is able to drive, and if/when he can't, arrangements would be renegotiated depending on everyone's circumstances at the time. We are relatively busy, but not as much as a working family with children.

I also don't understand why you are so keen to have the baby in your (superior?) environment.

Your son has the baby on his own for a whole month. Surely It's easier to learn the "single-parenting" routine on your own turf... I don't think he would have all the time in the world to visit as you assume. I think he is still adapting to being a father in sole charge to be honest.

If you are still able to visit at their house, great.

You can always offer again - say "would you like to come over for an afternoon one day whilst you are off work?" and if he says no, then I'm afraid that's the answer. Don't argue about it. And don't keep asking! That will drive them bonkers.

And maybe you should focus on your son and his partner a bit more. It feels to me that you are not really so bothered about them and how they are feeling and are more interested in your son's child.
Successful relationships with the parents will make for more successful relationships all round.

I'd say, relax about this a bit, fit in with them, dont be pushy, think of this newish family setting out and finding their feet and then hopefully the problems you are already forming in your mind's eye will not come to fruition.

All the best.

I would say to just go with the flow and see how it all develops.
As the child gets older where you live there will be more to do if he’s visiting you. Although we live about 40 minutes from the coast my GS loves spending time there. At the end of the day just appreciate the joy of spending time with him and building up your relationship.

Don't push it or you could face restrictions about how often you get to see the baby/child.

It's not your decision to make.

25 miles is nothing. Good job you don’t live here in Australia! Seriously, I am not sure where you are coming from with this. One of my grandchildren lives in the inner city with her mum and dad and she will grow up a city kid. What’s wrong with that ? When she comes here we take her to feed the local horses, it is exciting for her and she had never seen a horse before we took her. Respect their rules , they are holding all the cards here! It shouldn’t be a competition, should it ?

Their child their rules - but what you can do is to absolutely NOT harbour resentment about this - it will grow and destroy your relationships. Smile, take it on the chin, zip the lip - this will not be the last thing that you not see eye to eye over and you might as well practice patience now!

I am willing to bet that there will come a time when they will be only too glad to farm him off to grandma by the sea! Bide your time.

By the way you sound as if you have an underlying disapproval of them living in a city flat with their child. Ditch that! - I understand where you are coming from but it is their decision to make, just as you were free to choose what you did or did not do for your children.

As all of the above: their child: their rules.