Are we being unreasonable?

Yes Norah there are some GPS that think like that as evidenced on GN and I have observed. There are also many who don't.

Neither GPS or parents of young children are an amorphous mass of common thinking, thank goodness!!

Madgran77 "I believe most posters have been saying quite rightly that OP has to go along with parents wishes or just not babysit, as it is the parents decision. I think they have been saying that even if they don't agree with the parents wishes. Saying they don't agree does not automatically equate with advocating ignoring parental wishes."

Agreed.

However, I think there are many GP who act on the thought "what happens at GP stays at GP" and equally disturbing "my children are fine, I must have raised them correctly" (look to infant mortality rates).

Those 2 thoughts lead to many disputes. Not all AC want their children eating choco buttons, crisps, drinking fizzys.

Many AC want naps and bedtimes strictly observed, none of the "oh they wanted to stay up". There are people who insist on times observed.

Some dislike the telly, sorry they just do.

It really depends if the person you leave your baby or child with practices common sense in all things, sadly some think they know best when they don't or definitely shouldn't be placing what they think is best as more important in what are not their decisions

Well yes. Choosing who to leave one's baby with is clearly key and parents must make that choice and stick with it. I certainly did.

I believe most posters have been saying quite rightly that OP has to go along with parents wishes or just not babysit, as it is the parents decision. I think they have been saying that even if they don't agree with the parents wishes. Saying they don't agree does not automatically equate with advocating ignoring parental wishes.

I know there will always be examples of grandparents ignoring parental wishes and I am sorry you went through that with your Mum. As you say, lots of sensible grandparents around too ?

It really depends if the person you leave your baby or child with practices common sense in all things, sadly some think they know best when they don't or definitely shouldn't be placing what they think is best as more important in what are not their decisions.

When people think it is fine to do that, they make me uncomfortable

VioletSky

I have no regrets saying it

I'm not sure what you said that you have no regrets about Violet?

Yes SIDS is a concern ...but I am trying to work out where this fits on this thread? Unless you mean that advice used to be to lie on tummies until this was linked to SIDS? If so that is a good example of where new knowledge has informed best practice/common practice, I agree.

I can't really see a link though to using common sense about taking a small child onto a country lane with no pavements etc... such a decision isn't informed by new research etc like sleeping and SIDS was, is it?

I have happily taken on board anything my daughter says is now the acceptable way of doing things.

I think back to when I smoked with a baby in my arms, drove them all over the place without seatbelts,
numerous things which would be close to illegal these days.

She isn’t especially fussy, brings them up pretty much like we raised ours, but she definitely and rightly doesn’t take any chances with their safety

I have no regrets saying it

Exactly Madgran and you're right, no one's suggested that people shouldn't make changes to how things were done in the past.

Some things are common sense like the one previously mentioned about not walking down a narrow country lane with your GC (or on your own for that matter) in case you get hit by a car and killed.

I'm sure you're right Farmor about most GP's being informed of up to date acceptable practices, either by doing research themselves or more likely being informed by their GC's parents.

farmor

I did have a couple of issues, long time ago now

But my mother thought breastfeeding was disgusting and I had to leave the room in my own home. She also thought it was selfish as no one else could feed baby. She also thought formula much better than anything I could make.

My aunt gave my baby ice cream at 4 months when that wasn't recommended and he had reflux and was really poorly.

Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better. She also didn't want me to vaccinate thinking they would get autism which I always thought was nonsense.

I didn't say anything much to any of them, definiyely wasnt rude, just said what i preferred and just quietly did things my own way and ignored it...

But many mums have told me similar stories over the years

So I really felt it needed to be said, lots of sensible grandparents or great aunties around too

Very good graphic, VioletSky. I wouldn't ever have minded my grandchildren under 6 months as they were all breast fed and just went everywhere with mum. I'm surprised when I hear of parents going away when baby is very young and leaving baby with relatives - I don't think it's fair on either baby or minder.

I think most grandparents would inform themselves about modern advice about safety etc, even before first grandchild is born. I was a bit worried when parents seemed to know less about safety than I did - particularly the risk of bed sharing with soft bedding. It's difficult to give advice in those circumstances, but hard to keep quiet too!

I know this thread is wandering from original post, but since OP hasn't come back, it might as well become a general discussion!

Things become common practice because people think they are common sense.

There shouldn’t be that much disconnect here

What is common sense to me is not common for other

What is common sense, forward face at 1 year old, 2 yo, 3, etc?a

Many adults survived childhood despite their upbringing

SIDS is terrifying and just one of the many risks mentioned.

So I will always advocate current advice especially to young inexperienced mums.

When I am fortunate enough to be a grandma myself I don't think I would want to ever have a baby under 6 months in my care unless it was an emergency. Simply being close to mum reduces SIDS by 50%

Thanks Madgran. I haven’t seen anyone suggesting grandparents shouldn’t keep up with current common sense, informed as it will be by current knowledge and research. It’s good to see the support fir parents asking family members not to touch their babies face or hands.

Smileless2012

I wouldn't say that doing any of the things you've mentioned was common sense, common practice maybe. That said not taking a baby out along a some remote country lane where a car (could) kill you both, is common sense.

I agree Smileless. There is a distinct difference between "common practice" and "common sense".

I agree "Violet Sky" that common sense can be informed by the knowledge available at the time, to inform sound judgement, but I do think common sense can be more than that too.

I mean some knowledge is really just common sense in itself, it's not going to change through "the available knowledge at the time" as in "don't jump in front of a galloping horse" or "don't jump off a high cliff" or "don't take a young child on a narrow country lane where a car might kill you/them"

So yes it changes and if you don't change with it you are risking a babies life for what? Pride because that is how you did things?

I'm not sure anyone is suggesting that people shouldn't change from what they did previously...??

Common sense is doing things with the knowledge available at the time.

It's sound judgement

So yes it changes and if you don't change with it you are risking a babies life for what? Pride because that is how you did things?

I wouldn't say that doing any of the things you've mentioned was common sense, common practice maybe. That said not taking a baby out along a some remote country lane where a car (could) kill you both, is common sense.

Smileless2012

I'd have thought that a GM who managed to raise her own children, would know where it is or isn't safe to go for a walk with her GC.

Sometimes when I read these threads, I think its a miracle that so many of us managed to bring up our children safely. Child rearing practices change but common sense, is common sense.

I agree, it is a miracle.

What’s even more of one is how, with better safety features and knowledge, the child mortality rate has gone down from one generation to the next.

At one point it was common sense to hold the baby in the car. Or to put them to sleep on their stomachs, or to feed them homemade formula. Or to put whiskey on their gums.

Common sense changes

I'd have thought that a GM who managed to raise her own children, would know where it is or isn't safe to go for a walk with her GC.

Sometimes when I read these threads, I think its a miracle that so many of us managed to bring up our children safely. Child rearing practices change but common sense, is common sense.

Obviously their fear is that you will take baby out along some remote country lane and a car will kill you both. This is quite logical in this day and age, very different to when you were bringing your son up probably. If you want to carry on caring for your GS then just do as they ask, convenient or not.

Smileless2012 - if you know rural UK - (and if you are from the UK I'm sure you do) you will recognise that some country roads can be quite dangerous to walk along.

Unfortunately I feel we don't have enough info to be offering an opinion on what is reasonable and what isn't as regards walking.

This is beginning to remind me of the monty python sketch about the short argument or the full hour?

Well your analagy doesnt work and i have tried to demonstrate why, if mine doesnt work either its because it is a dsft analogy in the first place and a baby is not a car and a grandlarent is not a work colleague.

What you are saying now... that's not healthy either normandygirl

It works both ways

We shouldn't be setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm and that's not a healthy expectation of a grandparent.

But the example here is the OP wants this day a week with the grandchild and has now lost it.

Do you think, OP saying "some people on gransnet agree with me and you are unreasonable, so let me do what I like with my grandchild" is really going to work here?

VioletSky

summerlove is right, that analogy doesn't work

Maybe if you changed it to "I will let you use my car while I am unable to drive it as long as you also give me a lift to work and don't ramp up the milegage"

The children are the responsibility of the parents. It is literally their job to ensure they are well looked after. If you aren't willing to follow their rules, they find alternate arrangements.

Simple

I'm afraid that analogy implies that the parent is doing the GP's a big favour in " allowing" them look after their child.
You are talking as if it's the GP's who have asked the parents if they can look after their GC for several days a week. I don't know a single GP for whom that is the case. They have been asked to do this favour by the parents who either cannot or just don't want to pay for childcare, not the other way round. They have been asked to do a really hard job that is physically, emotionally and financially draining to a lot of GP's who thought they would be relaxing and enjoying their well earned retirement by now. They do it because they love their children and respond to their cries for help as we are hardwired to do. To have that help subject to unreasonable conditions and rules, that make that agreement to help even harder to do benefits no one, least of all the children.

Or perhaps fewer restrictions. A GP having to ask for permission to take the GC they're looking after out for a walk seems OTT to me, but as you say Norah, the OP can say no if the arrangements don't suit her and if she does, hopefully she'll still see her son and his family.