Are we being unreasonable?

Smileless2012

I agree Norah but it didn't come across to me that the OP was wanting her wants to come before her son's, d's.i.l. or GC's needs.

OP said "They have been fairly strict since the beginning- fair enough, their child but mostly around taking him out.

Sounds as if they do have their own needs, to me.

"I’ve always had to ask permission even to go for a walk."

She didn't say what the row was about, but she does imply, I think, that she'd rather not have such restrictions.

She elaborates in her later posts as to what she wants. I'd not want to babysit away from my housework either, but that's not a choice for GP, is it?

Her choice is to say "No, that's not something I want to do.

The simple fact that this thread has become a disagreement is proof that people have different expectations...

So if some people are giving the advice that, it is a good idea to respect the parents wishes in regards to their own children... what are those people getting out of giving that advice?

Well, the truth is nothing

The advice is at it is because it recognises that parents have responsibility for their children above all others and that challenging that may damage the relationship.

So I don't see the point in disagreeing with that and risking the OPs relationship.

Other AC are going to be different

Other family dynamics are going to be different

There isn't a wrong or right within people's highly individual relationships

What matters is that we don't push our expectations on people who want to do things differently.

If that doest suit, we say no.

It's simple

If my adult children felt they’d been neglected, abused, stuffed with sweets rather than good food, I’m assuming they wouldn’t want their own children left in my car. My guess is that’s the same for most people.

The conflict in the contributions here, is that some posters assume grandparents are primarily concerned to meet their own needs. That is true of some but in no way representative of the majority.

Two if my young grandchildren have just been picked up by their other grannie. She’s taking over care till their parents get back tomorrow, I’d have loved to have them over night again but we have to leave by 7am for a medical appointment.

We are a very ordinary extended family.

I agree Norah but it didn't come across to me that the OP was wanting her wants to come before her son's, d's.i.l. or GC's needs.

I find it unacceptable to think my wants come before my AC needs to know precisely where their children are, what they are eating.

I felt huge responsibility keeping my own children safe, knowing where they were and that they weren't eating sweets or drinking fizzys, but also worried about the traffic on M11.

I assume my daughters feel the same.

I won't be testing the theory that GP may take children where they choose, feed them as they choose, or anything else I read here.

I can't imagine why advising what GP is doing is difficult. Babysitting is very difficult, far harder than speaking.

Just ask.

People are different

You can't expect to apply your feelings, your comfort or your wants to another and have that automatically work out.

But if you meet people where they are, you show yourself trustworthy and that is something you can build on in time.

If we'd been able to be GP's that's how I'd have envisaged it Iam, helping out but not being weighed down with looking after our GC.

That's how it was for our boys' GP's and our GP's.

if the parents don't have faith in the GP's to be responsible and trustworthy caregivers ti start with, they shouldn't be asking for their help at all I agree Normandygirl. Our boys' GP's didn't ask for permission for every little thing, and I wouldn't have expected them too.

If they decided to take them out at the last minute and we didn't know until after the event, it was never an issue.

And if I babysit, I will always ask if I can take them out somewhere I want to go. If the answer is no, it is no.

If it is a somewhere I need to go, the understanding is that I can only babysit if I can take them there.

That's how it works both ways.

summerlove is right, that analogy doesn't work

Maybe if you changed it to "I will let you use my car while I am unable to drive it as long as you also give me a lift to work and don't ramp up the milegage"

The children are the responsibility of the parents. It is literally their job to ensure they are well looked after. If you aren't willing to follow their rules, they find alternate arrangements.

Simple

Summerlove

normandygirl that’s not at all a similar situation

Why is it not similar?
When you ask someone to do you a favour that will result in them giving you their unpaid time and resources, you have no right to put "conditions" on how they give their help.
Before you say that childcare is different because of safety concerns, if the parents don't have faith in the GP's to be responsible and trustworthy caregivers to start with, they shouldn't be asking for their help at all.

As a professional childminder I often provide shared care alongside the children's grandparents.
Usually it's because the parents are conscious they don't want to "put upon" the grandparents.

There's no conflict of interest as we all work as a team.
We also cover when each other is on holiday or unavailable, eg one lovely grandma had a knee replacement operation so was out of action for quite a while. I had the child on her days until she was fit again.

Some of the grandparents are my age and some are younger. One or two are older.

My experience is similar to Normandygirl and Iam64. Grandparents are helping with care out of love for their own children. Of course they will try to follow parents wishes as far as possible, particularly with regard to safety (proper car seats etc) but after that they are trusted to make reasonable choices about taking children out etc, without having to consult parents every time.

NormandyGirl, your experience of grandparents giving childcare is exactly the same as mine. Both with grandparents in our own circle of friends and the grandparents in our adult children’s wide circle of friends. Parents need and want to work. Childcare is expensive, so parents arrange part time nursery, part time grandparents.
It’s family life, parents continuing to lovingly support their adult children and enjoying time with grandchildren. None of that changes reality - unpaid army of carers. Those carers often in their 70’s so energy and fitness levels different than they were 30 years ago. Most people involved know all of this. We get some cold and critical responses on this kind of thread. Thankfully, a minority.

normandygirl that’s not at all a similar situation

Hithere

Offering help is not the problem- it is welcome and appreciated

The issue is when the helper puts conditions how this help is given

Some conditions may be reasonable
Others not so much

When the helpee (new word) finds this help to be more work for them compared to not having the help - it is not really worth it

I don't know what part of the world you live in ,but every single GP I know who gives childcare does so at the request of the parents. To then lay down "conditions" for that requested, free of charge help, is outrageous in my opinion.
If you asked a work colleague for lifts into work because you cannot afford a car, would you feel it was reasonable to lay down conditions regarding that arrangement? That you can only travel in a certain make of car , that they should only drive your preferred route, that they should change their start time to fit in with you? Of course not, this is no different.

I have my gs weekly and he was always looked after at my house. This has been since he was a month old. He’s now 5 months.
We live across town so, I purchased a car seat and asked to be able to pick him up. They were happy for me to do so, they just wanted me to send them a photo that we were home safe..

I never left the house unless they were notified and were ok with it.

2 months ago, I asked if I could take him out of town for the day and my DIL was very uncomfortable with the idea so I didn’t take him.

Last week, my DIL let me know that she was comfortable with me now taking him out of town.

I just took things slowly.. I made sure I kept them informed of what we were doing and sent photos of a happy and mostly snoozing little boy.

Perhaps discussing their concerns and building trust may be the key to your issue. Try not to let it turn into an emotional conversation but, more like a reassuring one. ?

Offering help is not the problem- it is welcome and appreciated

The issue is when the helper puts conditions how this help is given

Some conditions may be reasonable
Others not so much

When the helpee (new word) finds this help to be more work for them compared to not having the help - it is not really worth it

I think most grandparents want to help out because they know how expensive it is to pay for a nursery or a childminder. They most likely enjoy their time with the children but they might equally, despite that enjoyment, find it very tiring. They do it because they want to help, not because they want to be martyrs.

I think there are many parents who are very grateful for the help that they get. Unfortunately, there also seems to be some parents who do not realise how fortunate they are not to have to rely on outside, paid child care providers.

Madgran77

*In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child*

Really?? Where is the evidence of that?!!!!

None whatsoever.

Good post, Iam64

Hithere

Iam64

I don’t know anyone who cares for grandchildren for ‘alone time’
It’s free child care provided by an army of living grandparents. We love our adult children, adore our grandchildren but, we expected more free time in retirement.
When ours were all at school, it was great to just be grandparents, picking up occasionally, sleepovers and other fun"

Grandparents have options and can choose not to commit to be "free child care"
Grandparents can tell their AC to make other arrangements for childcare

There is no need to tap into martyrdom

It's got absolutely nothing to do with martyrdom. What a strange interpretation of a perfectly reasonable and clearly expressed viewpoint!

In most cases, the grandparents have ASKED to watch the child

Really?? Where is the evidence of that?!!!!

OK, I'll give it four weeks then take another look at the thread for an update.

Callistemon21

^It appears this is an insignificant issue^

I wouldn't describe it as insignificant

Surely leaving someone in the dark, not knowing what is going on so they are left hanging around unable to get on with anything is fairly significant.

Childish behaviour by the son, he should explain what is going on.

It's insignificant because OP can "get on with significant" as she knows that unless DS calls and says differently she is not watching the child.

She knows he hasn't yet called.

She knows DS said "we need to discuss things in the next few weeks".

I count 4 weeks. My guess, DS is not rushing to call as they had a "row" over childminding, issue solved.

Give it time is my advice.

It appears this is an insignificant issue

I wouldn't describe it as insignificant

Surely leaving someone in the dark, not knowing what is going on so they are left hanging around unable to get on with anything is fairly significant.

Childish behaviour by the son, he should explain what is going on.

Smileless2012

No Norah it's not really good enough. If they don't need the OP to look after their child on Friday's anymore then they should say so.

I know that's what you meant by 'blackmail' *Fleurpepper' and there's too much of it about.

Smileless, this is just an example of differing personal beliefs and expectations. I wait well. I'm not curious enough to care, all will be revealed.

It appears this is an insignificant issue. I would think son solved it. He needs find time to explain, without a "row over the phone" to OP.

I'm not inclined to explain quickly to people who have rows. Cool heads and all. Four weeks, no need to rush.

My opinion on time when dealing with AC. Can't push a noodle.