Are we being unreasonable?

So having a car seat and take kids in the car for errands while grandparents are babysitting is now apparently needed for the child's development and learning experience and the implication the child is worse off if not allowed.....

Uff, where to start ...

Please do not tell this to the parents, I assure you it is not going to sit well
It will backfire big time

SachaMac

Your son & his partner should be prepared to explain the reasons they are insisting on these rules. It would then be up to you to decide whether or not you are happy to comply. If they won’t do this I’d step back and leave them to it. Finding decent childcare won’t be easy for them but that’s their choice.

The most important thing is to not get stressed by it all, don’t feel pressured into agreeing to something that you are not happy with just to keep the peace. If they want you to help out maybe they should be prepared to be a little more flexible.

Once you’ve had a chat you may just decide to compromise and go by their rules so you can build a relationship with your GC. Little ones grow up so quickly so it would be nice to enjoy your time with your GC while you can.

Good advice Sachamac

Ok, Oldnproud, I agree not going for a walk was a bit much.

I’ll have to strongly disagree with you on the driving though. 18 months is a long time to have a break from driving. It makes people hesitant and over cautious which actually causes a lot of accidents. There are so many people on the road could benefit from a refresher course!

But that’s another topic for another thread?

Your son & his partner should be prepared to explain the reasons they are insisting on these rules. It would then be up to you to decide whether or not you are happy to comply. If they won’t do this I’d step back and leave them to it. Finding decent childcare won’t be easy for them but that’s their choice.

The most important thing is to not get stressed by it all, don’t feel pressured into agreeing to something that you are not happy with just to keep the peace. If they want you to help out maybe they should be prepared to be a little more flexible.

Once you’ve had a chat you may just decide to compromise and go by their rules so you can build a relationship with your GC. Little ones grow up so quickly so it would be nice to enjoy your time with your GC while you can.

Lathyrus
There wasn’t any trouble really until she said she wanted to take him in the car.

I don't really agree - prior to the car issues, the OP, in her own words, "always had to ask permission even to go for a walk."
That is an unusual and extremely restrictive thing to demand of someone who is looking after a child in their own home from 7am to 5.30pm, whether a grandparent or a paid childminder.

Give that the OP still works four days a week, I doubt if we are talking about a very old grandparent here, either, and I find the statement that she / most people would need at least a refresher course after not driving for 18 months slightly silly.

The trouble is, none of us have no way of knowing if the parents have genuine and justifiable reasons for their decisions.

'The discussion' needs to take place. It might solve nothing, but nor will avoiding it.

Is your driving OK. Have you got out of practice the last 18 months DS has had car. Maybe have a refresher with a professional prior to your meeting with GS. Are the safety concerns just re motoring?

I agree it may be hard to get them to acknowledge. But it still has to be said IF that is the reason.

I just wondered right at the beginning if it had to do with the OPs driving.

She did say she hadn’t had a car for 18 months. Most people would need at least a refresher course after a gap that long.

There wasn’t any trouble really until she said she wanted to take him in the car.

We all know how hard it is to get people to acknowledge that they’re not safe on the road

My PIL would be quite capable of looking after my son at home, mine or theirs (though there is a lot more to break at theirs). But I would not trust their driving, and they are not active and quick enough on their feet to manage a young child outside. They can't catch him. They can't stop him running off. It doesn't matter how experienced you are, or how many children you have raised. If you are getting older and slower, you may no longer be able to care for small children safely. That is sad, but it is reality. It's the job of the parents to put the child's safety first.

It can be quite difficult to tell your parent that they are no longer physically capable of taking a child out safely, but that might well be the issue.

It might be difficult but if a parent wants to use a grandparent or anyone else for childcare then they have to find a way to overcome that difficulty and explain their viewpoint, otherwise it leads exactly to the type of situation that the OP finds herself in, and it is NOT shoing respect for their parent/PIL....!!

There is NO problem making a decision for one's child as a parent, absolutely the parents right and responsibility. There is a problem with pronouncing, not explaining and not acknowledging how one's viewpoint/expectation might impact on others, even if one still sticks to the viewpoint.

Communication is needed all round as it frequently is in these type of scenarios

I would buy another car seat new from a reputable dealer with current safety standards. The standards do change Halfords sell reasonably priced seats and fit them. I have always had my own car seats. I have also been asked to pick up sick GC from nurseries so these have been so useful for the AC to know that I can be there for emergencies not just the days the days I looked after GC

If the parents have stated they do not want the child taken out in the car then this is not a good idea. I think why they have made that decision needs explaining but going against that wish and buying a car seat is not a solution.

Taking a kid to places 1 day a week may or not be "helping with the child's development" - that is a very dangerous and loaded statement\

*If the child is going to a playdate - sure
If it is grandma or grandpa running their errands - not at all*

Hmmmm.... I think "running errands" CAN be a big part of a child's development...and an advantage for grandparents is that they may well have more time than their parents.

- Going shopping, talking about the purchases, finding things on the shelves, picking out the different fruit and vegetables, discussing the larger and smaller items, looking at the numbers for the prices, putting them in the trolley, helping at the checkout, as they get older maybe touching the card on the machine, ......lots of learning in there and lots of conversation.

Maybe it is walking somewhere together - discussing the colours of cars, flowers, trees, etc, maybe finding numbers on the cars, or door numbers. Seeing an aeroplane , wondering where it is going, talking about that place. Maybe seeing a bird, or a worm or whatever! Maybe seeing rubbish on the pavement, talking bout that and what should be done with litter. Crossing the road, pressing the light and waiting.

Then there is the potential for "helping" to make a meal - washing vegetables, laying a table, counting how many people and places, getting out cutlery, when older chopping vegs, or serving up, or carrying plates ...stirring and watching how things mix together, using a whisk, learning to crack an egg...and so on!!

Or helping with cleaning - dusting, using the dustpan, tidying books/papers etc ....

All of these "Errands" and jobs include lots of potential learning development with an adult who uses the time and has the time... whether that is a parent, a grandparent or some other trusted adult!

Hithere

Taking a kid to places 1 day a week may or not be "helping with the child's development" - that is a very dangerous and loaded statement

If the child is going to a playdate - sure
If it is grandma or grandpa running their errands - not at all

Some parents may get weirded out when grandparents buy their own baby equipment, especially if the parents already have issues with a request, as grandparents may or not have expectations of the gc using it.
A car seat is one of those items

Surely a child being present when a few everyday things (errands) are bring done is both natural and educational. Errands involve interactions and transactions. A healthy upbringing is like a healthy diet in that it should offer a wide variety.

I actually deliberately made a point of doing some 'housework' while looking after the younger grandchildren, so that they get used to the fact that an adult cannot be expected to play with them every single minute of every day. In reality, this might just mean that I wash the dishes after lunch (a job that my OH does normally), then sit down with a cup of tea for ten minutes. It's as good for them as it is for me!

Oldnproud- this, just this. Any relationship has to involve give and take and trust.

Taking a kid to places 1 day a week may or not be "helping with the child's development" - that is a very dangerous and loaded statement

If the child is going to a playdate - sure
If it is grandma or grandpa running their errands - not at all

Some parents may get weirded out when grandparents buy their own baby equipment, especially if the parents already have issues with a request, as grandparents may or not have expectations of the gc using it.
A car seat is one of those items

I find it twice as hard looking after my dgc all day in their house as I do in my own,
Just feeding them is a huge challenge when you have to search every cupboard to find something suitable for them, let alone prepare it when cooker, microwave and even the tap require an instruction manual to be able to work them
The only thing that is easier at theirs is having so many toys available.

Luckily, both my sons and dils trust me enough with their children for there to be give and take both ways, and they took it for granted that I would usually look after them at mine.
When the children were young, they knew I would do my best to follow their rules on things like TV and sweet treats, but they also said from the start that the occasional breaking of these rules was OK, and that they themselves broke them sometimes. In fact, they actually said something along the lines that they understood and appreciated (from their own childhood) that one of roles of grandparents was to "spoil" the grandchildren, so a small amount of that was only natural even when providing regular childcare.

Without this give and take, I would not have agreed/continued to look after their children. It certainly wasn't something that I had ever planned to do. They needed my help, and contrary to what some on here seem to think, looking after one's young grandchildren is not always a pleasure. In fact it's bl***y hard work, especially for just one grandparent, and if it comes with a lot of strings attached, it could easily be a nightmare.

No way would I let myself be treated as the OP's son and dil seem to be treating her. I'd honestly rather have no contact all than be treated like that!
If they don't think that she is up to the job, they should be honest and just explain why. That would not be unreasonable.

I would buy another car seat new from a reputable dealer with current safety standards. The standards do change Halfords sell reasonably priced seats and fit them. I have always had my own car seats. I have also been asked to pick up sick GC from nurseries so these have been so useful for the AC to know that I can be there for emergencies not just the days the days I looked after GC.
You need to have the chat and have a list of places you could go to Soft play, animal park, trampoline park all exciting things for a child, as well as the indoor activities baking, art, reading that you do with the child
It is important that they know you are not just babysitting the child but are helping with the child’s development and making sure you all have a go

So you work the rest of the week and look after your GC on the one day during the week you have off - all day in their home, from 7am without the means to leave the house ? It never crosses their minds that you may have things to do and that their restrictions are inconveniencing you ?

If there have never been any issues while you are looking after your GC, then what is it that bothers them about you either taking GC out in the buggy or the car ? It sounds as though they’re trying to control his environment and I think you need to get to the bottom of that, because unless there’s a valid reason, it’s unhealthy. As other posters have pointed out, you are doing them a favour and saving them quite a bit of expense by looking after GC even for one day a week. I know that money isn’t the point, but I wouldn’t think it would be easy to find child minding services prepared to accept these kinds of restrictions, so maybe it’s time for a discussion to find out what the root of the problem is and find the best way to accommodate everyone.

Grandparents looking after a toddler one day a week is not comparable to professional childcare, If you send your child to Day care, no one there takes them out without your permission and a whole sheaf of paperwork.

There is the world of difference between a grandparent caring for a child in a known safe and contained environment (ie, his own home) and taking him out by car or on foot.

My PIL would be quite capable of looking after my son at home, mine or theirs (though there is a lot more to break at theirs). But I would not trust their driving, and they are not active and quick enough on their feet to manage a young child outside. They can't catch him. They can't stop him running off. It doesn't matter how experienced you are, or how many children you have raised. If you are getting older and slower, you may no longer be able to care for small children safely. That is sad, but it is reality. It's the job of the parents to put the child's safety first.

It can be quite difficult to tell your parent that they are no longer physically capable of taking a child out safely, but that might well be the issue.

OP has basically two choices. Follow their rules, or not get alone time with her grandson. That's how it is.

Agree with Hithere

Emma's son no longer has Emma's car, he gave it back and sold the carseat.

Son says they need to discuss "things" in the next few weeks.

Time for son and dil to make work schedule arrangements? Transport arrangements?

They've asked Emma to babysit in their home. She'd prefer to babysit in her home. They may be looking for an easier alternative.

I don't understand any rush to having discussion. It'll work out.

Witzend

We have looked after Gdcs - babies, toddlers and older ones - on a regular or one-off basis for nearly 7 years now, and I certainly wouldn’t put up with these sort of conditions. And dd would never expect me to. IMO either they trust you to look after their child properly - or they don’t. And if they don’t, they need to pay £££ for nursery or a childminder instead.

It’s all very well saying ‘their child, their rules’ - but unless there’s a really valid reason (e.g. unsafe driver because of poor eyesight etc.) not IMO when you’re expecting (presumably) free childcare!

This was my response too. I’ve never heard of such restrictions being imposed on GPs who look after GC. Reading through OPs comments again suggests to me that the problem lies in the relationship OP has with DD and DIL

Exactly sparkynan. The 'rules' appear to have been changed with no explanation as to why and before anyone says ' their child their rules, they don't need to explain' I think they do.

The OP hasn't been back which is a shame as it would be interesting to know if her son's been in touch and they've had the discussion he said they needed, or if the poor woman is still waiting and wondering what's going to happen.

The car is obviously "living" at Emma's, sparkynan. I read it as though he now has no car. He doesn't want to have Emma driving his toddler - we don't know the reason. I think this is why they have apparently "sold" the car seat. I personally read into that that they were looking at a kind way to say not to drive with the little one.

Could be wrong but this is how it seems.

You all seem to missing the point, the Adult son has been driving the GS to Emmas64's home for the last 18 months, ok she has not been able to take him out in a car, but its been in her house and she's been able to take GC out for walks.
Now he's given car back, but wants Emma64 to drive to his house instead!!!! Why can he not continue to drive GS to Emma64's house in what ever transport he has now? Has he no money for fuel? When GC goes to Nursery and preschool they will have to take him there.

Life is not fair or unfair based on the other party agreeing with you or not

When your kids went to you demanding a toy that "everybody else had and they needed it too", what do you do?
You say yes and buy it?
You say no and kid cries "its unfair"?

Entitlement is present in all generations.
If somebody wants help and asks but help is given with conditions that benefit the giver, not the requester - who is the entitled here?

In this post - grandparents are entitled big time
If you have plans and you cannot do both (plans and babysitting) at same time, pick, just dont blame the other person because the perfect plan in your head is not possible