Are we being unreasonable?

Sorry, ordinarygirl I have just re-read this - I can see you think the parents are the "me" ones.

I don't.

Lathyrus

Norah

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

Yes I guess so. Parenting just seems such heavy weather nowadays. All rules and restrictions. Hard work for everyone. Parents, grandparents and for the children. Not much enjoyment. Loads of angst.

I think I must have been a very lax mother?

Me too Lathyrus!!

ordinarygirl

modern day generation - Me, Me,! Me. No consideration of other people's needs. It sounds as though there is no concept that you have needs too?

Who is being "me" "me" "me"?
The grandparent or the parents?

If I had decided (all those years ago) that I didn't want my child in my mother-in-law's car or to be cared for in her home (for whatever reason) I would have taken the financial hit of losing a day at work - if I possibly could - rather than go against what I thought was my child's best interests.
I would have shifted my days if possible so that my husband was available or I would have come to an arrangement with a friend (which I did anyway, later on) so that my precious little one was away from whatever caused me worry.

I see this is not the same as some others views/approach but I think it's still valid.

It's valid for parents to say "this" is ok but not "that".
In this instance it seems to me they have sorted it themselves so far.

As regards the "nothing to do" situation, we lived in a tiny village when my children were small. The house where most of them were born was one of only seven in the easily walkable area and I didn't drive. We were never bored though as there was always plenty to do.
Tiny people don't need a lot of "places" they need attention.

Good luck with this. Please don't push your family away by insisting on things being your way.

We have looked after Gdcs - babies, toddlers and older ones - on a regular or one-off basis for nearly 7 years now, and I certainly wouldn’t put up with these sort of conditions. And dd would never expect me to. IMO either they trust you to look after their child properly - or they don’t. And if they don’t, they need to pay £££ for nursery or a childminder instead.

It’s all very well saying ‘their child, their rules’ - but unless there’s a really valid reason (e.g. unsafe driver because of poor eyesight etc.) not IMO when you’re expecting (presumably) free childcare!

Because it seems that these afternoons were less about your doing a favor for them than they were about you getting some time with your gs

I'm not sure if that is the case or not. I don't think the OP has said if the parents actually need it. Presumably DiL can't take every Friday off from now on, so so childcare is actually needed. Whether that is done by the OP or not depends in the end on them all talking and discussing honestly, each others perspectives, and whether it will work or not. If it isn't going to work for any one of the people involved, then they wil need to make other arrangements.

That's ridiculous. When my kids weren't going to my ILs it was because I've seen my MIL run red lights and because of the dog they had minimal control over that attacked people, including myself. Protecting your children is not being controlling.

Quite reasonably you were not willing to use your MiL for childcare.

The difference is that these parents apparently are! My point is that if they feel their child is not safe then why are they using that childcare atall?
You were ofcourse right not to let your MiL look after your children, in those circumstances you describe

While it’s perfectly reasonable to say “it’s simply to much trouble , not possible,difficult etc for me to watch the little man at your home” and then choose not watch him if the parents decide they still don’t want him being transported by car etc, it’s also perfectly reasonable for the parents, HIS parents , to make a decision that they prefer he be in their home while they’re away. That they prefer you not be driving him in your car. He is, after all their child.

It’s not about whether I feel their being reasonable, or anyone else does - at the end of the day it’s about what you’re willing to loose to stand yourself ground. You say the boys mother has stayed home the last three fridays so you wouldn’t be transporting him. Seems your son and his wife have made a decision that if you can’t, or won’t spend the day with him in their home they simply don’t need you to do it. Well within their rights. They seem to be managing without your “help”. So the question is really are you willing to sacrifice those precious afternoons with him because you aren’t permitted to drive him places ? Because it seems that these afternoons were less about your doing a favor for them than they were about you getting some time with your gs.

They should count their blessings for the free childcare, and be prepared to compromise.
My parents babysat my first child for one evening. He cried for a lot of the time, and they never offered again for any of their 5 grandchildren.

Gabrielle56

TiggyW

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

control: it's ALL about control. DiLs are a species all to their own and are so predictable in their savage behaviour towards their inlaws.it;s as if they have to conquer and destroy in order to wrench control of the male mate from his loving Mater! frankly? they're SO wrong if they imagine we actually want our sons back!!! well rid in most cases and best in very small doses but you try telling the females that!!

That's ridiculous. When my kids weren't going to my ILs it was because I've seen my MIL run red lights and because of the dog they had minimal control over that attacked people, including myself. Protecting your children is not being controlling.

Norah

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

Yes I guess so. Parenting just seems such heavy weather nowadays. All rules and restrictions. Hard work for everyone. Parents, grandparents and for the children. Not much enjoyment. Loads of angst.

I think I must have been a very lax mother?

Ah, thanks V3ra

VioletSky unless a grandparent is a registered childcare provider parents can't use the government tax breaks to pay any fees.

Even when a grandparent is a registered childminder, and looking after other children as well, they can't claim the 15 or 30 hours Early Education Funding payment for their grandchildren at three and four years of age ☹️

You are not being unreasonable. Your son and his partner are being ridiculous!

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

Free childcare is not that free

V3ra

^Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.^

There is no requirement to officially register as a childminder to look after a relative's child, whether you're paid or not.

It might be reassuring to all parties to take a paediatric first aid course though.

Well that is good news! Do tax credits still help with costs in that case?

Surely its up to the Son/Husband to ensure that time is fairly spent?

No Need to spread DIL hate Gabrielle56. I'm sure you'd dislike it if someone said all MILs want to control everything.

Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.

There is no requirement to officially register as a childminder to look after a relative's child, whether you're paid or not.

It might be reassuring to all parties to take a paediatric first aid course though.

Gabrielle56

f77ms
indeed! YOUR MUM. see my point? not HIS mum....

Um...HIS mum, HER Mum ...either the person is trusted or they are not, whoever's mum they are!

Not Emma no. But quite a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

Honestly if it can’t be done amicably and with support for each other it shouldn’t be done at all. No child should find themselves in middle of an adult tussle.

I don’t think Emma is in any way resentful. Whatever posted seems to get altered. Grandparents love having their little ones, poster was just saying it would be nice to get out of the house or have the child at theirs, I can’t understand why not.

M0nica

Fairness doesn't really come into it. I would go so far as to say that it is utterly irrelevant.

It is a question of you and your family talking the matter through, in a reasonable manner, your son and partner explaining to you quietly and unemotively why they have made the decisions they have made and then you explaining to them quietly and unemotively how you feel about the decision and how you see it and then you all agreeing a way forward that is satisfactory for all of you. Remembering always that the final decision lies with the parents.

But this needs understanding and co-operation on both side. Is this possible?

This is a thoughtful and compassionate response.

They are calling all the shots on this - their child, their rules - but you hold all the cards. Your son can't keep taking every friday off and keep his job, so they either need your (willing) help or they need paid childcare, where they will NOT be able to make unreasonable conditions and they will pay properly for the service.
I do agree with Monica, early on, that this may all be a miscommunication somewhere & if you go to the discussion with you hurt feelings tamped well down, there may well be a good outcome.
But a poster said early on, "life isn't fair". Neither do the people who hold all the cards in life have to bow & scrape to others' rules- that's life too.
As for "who bought the child seat?" Unbelievable! whoever bought it, it was no use without a car and you bought the car - a rather bigger purchase.
The fact that you love your grandson and want a relationship with him, seems to equate in some people's minds to you using you unique, valuable, own life to be a slave to your grandson's parents

These things work both ways

Parents don't owe grandparents for "childcare services" unless that grandparent agrees to childmind instead of working in which case... many hoops to jump through to get paid and qualifications needed.

Grandparents don't owe their children childcare. Grandparents have done their child raising years. Grandparents deserve their rest and retirement or my have health issues etc.

I would not agree to it unless it was to spend quality time with the grandchild amd I was happy with the parents rules