Are we being unreasonable?

I don’t understand all the people who are looking after their grandchildren and seem to be resenting it and saying what hard work it is.

I just wouldn’t do it if I was resentful and worn out. Why do people feel under that obligation? I suppose I’m pretty tough with my children. I expect them to sort out their own responsibilities ?

Then you say no Farmor.

And if it is exhausting for a 70 year old perhaps that's why the parents want it to be in a safe secure environment and not out and about in the car

V3ra

Emma64 no the situation you find yourself in is not fair at all; it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your grandson to insist he doesn't leave the house all day.

However I would recommend you wait for your son to contact you regarding any future childcare requests. I think they need time to realise for themselves what a support you were to them.
It'll also give you time to consider if you're able to help them again.

Or they might find they like their alternative better.?

No telling which way it’ll go.

Violetsky said: "I'd just have my grandchildren because it would be amazing to have that special quality time, no other reason"

That might be nice if it's 1 child 5+ years - you could probably enjoy the time together, but if you're minding 2 - a very active crawling 8 month old and 3 year old with short attention span, it's more like damage limitation than quality time and exhausting for a 70 year old.

Farmore

Yes but that is a choice, one you are entitled to make.

Taking the grandchildren one day a week is also a choice.

If I agree to do something, and I'm not saying I will because I work and have my own life, I agree to do so by the parents rules or I choose to say no.

But I never ever hold it over them that I am doing them a favour or ct like I am their only option and important or special enough to overule their feelings

To Violetsky and anyone else who thinks looking after grandchildren while parents work is some kind of privilege, not childcare - it's not considered that by all of us. I had 5 children and have 7 grandchildren and have looked after all for short periods occasionally to help out. However, it's hard work.

If I want to spend time with grandchildren, I really prefer to do it when parents are around.

Emma64 no the situation you find yourself in is not fair at all; it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your grandson to insist he doesn't leave the house all day.

However I would recommend you wait for your son to contact you regarding any future childcare requests. I think they need time to realise for themselves what a support you were to them.
It'll also give you time to consider if you're able to help them again.

grandetante that's a good point

These parents have made a decision for their child, not just as one parent but as a unit. As they should.

The parents here are making other arrangements

I see grandparents pick up from school quite often, some of them come in to read with the children too, never heard it referred to as babysitting.

If this is a "favour" of some sort then that makes it sound like something is "owed"

I didn't think that way how a family was supposed to operate.

I'd just have my grandchildren because it would be amazing to have that special quality time, no other reason

On the face of things it sounds unfair, but Monica is right you know. If you start by talking about fairness, the discussion is likely to end in a full-blown row with estrangement as the outcome.

You are entitled to ask why your son and daughter-in-law are making these stipulations.

Not knowing anything about your or their family background, it sounds rather far-out, but obviously, if your one or other of the child's parents are working in a classified job security has to be as you describe it.

Likewise, if your DIL has been sexually abused as a child, she will be paranoid. I am not saying she has been or is paranoid, but I have seen mothers react in this way if there was some horror in their own past.

I had at least three school-mates whose parents were survivors from Treblinka and Auswitch - these mothers were literally scared to let their children out of their sight. One poor woman sat for hours in her car outside the school gates.
Help in the 1950s consisted of telling these poor people "just to forget all about the death camps and get on with living"

Before starting a discussion that might go off the rails, please stop to think.
Are you and your husband still safe drivers?
Can you run fast enough still to catch up with a child that age?
Will his parents let you use reins?
Do you always hear what the child says?

If the answer to any of these questions is not honestly Yes, then I begin to understand your son and daughter-in-law a bit better.

modern day generation - Me, Me,! Me. No consideration of other people's needs. It sounds as though there is no concept that you have needs too?

VioletSky

Why is it considered childcare to spend a day a week with a grandchild if it is by choice

Is it considered grandparent care to visit an older relative for a day to help out?

Because otherwise the parents would have to pay for childcare

Why is it considered childcare to spend a day a week with a grandchild if it is by choice

Is it considered grandparent care to visit an older relative for a day to help out?

They accommodate you who is providing the FREE childcare or they go and pay for childcare and call the shots.

So are you saying that they expect you to look after the child from 7.30- 4.30 and you're not even allowed to take him out for a walk? That sounds very unreasonable to me.

f77ms
indeed! YOUR MUM. see my point? not HIS mum....

TiggyW

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

control: it's ALL about control. DiLs are a species all to their own and are so predictable in their savage behaviour towards their inlaws.it;s as if they have to conquer and destroy in order to wrench control of the male mate from his loving Mater! frankly? they're SO wrong if they imagine we actually want our sons back!!! well rid in most cases and best in very small doses but you try telling the females that!!

Eloethan "Of course "fair" should come into it. Surely it would in any relationship, otherwise there would be a complete imbalance of power.

To the raising of children, there is no "fair" in decisions about their health, safety - parental duties. GP keeping house, doing as they see fit on day off there is no "fair" either - they choose how to spend their day.

"Somebody commented something to the effect that you should be grateful for the honour of looking after your grandson - and, of course, it is lovely to be able to do so BUT at the same time you are doing his parents a favour and shouldn't be treated like an employee.

Babysitting is a huge favour, not the other way round.

Babysitting comes with rules regarding food, naps, car rides, screen time - if the rules are unacceptable, don't babysit.

Easy really.

Greciangirl

I think they are taking advantage of you and treating you with contempt.
I’m afraid you will have to stand up to them.
You are after all, doing them a huge favour by looking after Dgs for such long hours.

Talk about ungrateful.

doing this imperils all contact.they know this and will probably have absolutely NO qualms in using the child as a weapon of mass heartbreak....put simply :they hold all the aces with the little one.!

NO it's so typical of the trend nowadays to treat paternal grands like dirt! sorry but it is.be very very careful how you proceed as this could escalate so quickly into a incommunicado situation. it happened to us when we had the chutzpah to refuse to have GKs when all of us were very ill.didn't go well and now not seen/heard a squeak for nigh on 5[yes]years........ i'm afraid you may just have to suck it up as they say if you want continued contact with the precious GK...good luck my dear

Are they concerned about Covid ? It’s much easier babysitting at your own house,but at least your house won’t get messed up,very difficult if you work four days to get bits done.Good luck,it’s all worth it to stay close to your grandchild,that’s true love.

Of course "fair" should come into it. Surely it would in any relationship, otherwise there would be a complete imbalance of power.

Your son borrowed your car for 18 months. Was there any reason for this - were you or your husband incapacitated or unable to drive during that time? If not, you have already done them a huge favour, limiting your own movements for such a long time. Have they their own car now?

Somebody commented something to the effect that you should be grateful for the honour of looking after your grandson - and, of course, it is lovely to be able to do so BUT at the same time you are doing his parents a favour and shouldn't be treated like an employee.

If you were retired and doing a day a week, it might be seen as a relatively small favour - although even one full day with a young child can be very tiring. However, you are working from Monday to Thursday and your husband rarely has Fridays off. It seems to me perfectly reasonable for you to want to care for your grandson in your own home, where you naturally feel more comfortable and have access to more amenities. It seems totally unreasonable that you are expected to drive to their home and be marooned there for a whole day because you can't take your grandson in the car - and especially mean of them to expect this when they know you are both still working and have limited time together.

By the way, we looked after both our grandchildren for extended periods and our son and his partner NEVER gave us a set of rules by which we should abide. They were both very grateful that we were available and willing to help out.

This idea that parents can dictate on every issue that arises rather than discuss concerns in a respectful way and hopefully come to some sort of compromise, is I think quite wrong. And it is especially annoying to hear that you are, in effect, being pressured to accede to their demands by denying you access to your grandson. I agree with those who say they are ungrateful and entitled.

IMO their behaviour is disgraceful, leave them to it until they have the decency to apologise to you . If & when they do ,lay down some ground rules with regard to what days , times etc you are able to help out.IMO 7am until 5.30 is a big ask ! Best wishes

I think they are taking advantage of you and treating you with contempt.
I’m afraid you will have to stand up to them.
You are after all, doing them a huge favour by looking after Dgs for such long hours.

Talk about ungrateful.

Emma64 Go and see your S and DIL. Don't wait for them to instigate the discussion, go and see them. Ask them bluntly why they object to you taking your GS out when he is with you. It may be easy for your S to argue with you in a phone call, not so easy when you're standing in front of him

This is an excellent way to ruin any trust that is in place. These are adults and parents. NOT small children who need to be told what to do. If any of my parents had come to my house to have it out with me like that it would have severely hurt our relationship