Are we being unreasonable?

Well I can understand that they might worry about your driving (although why should they?) But having to ask if you can take him out for a walk just seems weird. Are they expecting werewolves? When I looked after GS1 from the age of 6 months we just went wherever and did whatever we fancied. It never occurred to me - or DD that we wouldn't. I wasn't as involved with GS2 & 3 but there was never a problem with what I did with them.

This obviously won't be resolved until you all sit down together and talk. Whilst it does seem unreasonable for them to act the way they have it does also seem that they don't want you to drive with their child in your car. I wonder if you've had a recent car accident or something that may have made them think this way or if they are just very anxious parents.
I think maybe you should give them a ring and ask them round to discuss what's really going on, won't be easy to remain calm during this but I wish you the best of luck.

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

If it's 'their child, their rules' then they'd better arrange for one of them to stay home and look after him, permanently! Surely, as grandparents, we have a right to speak up, ESPECIALLY if we are relied upon for child care. Why are the older generation not respected, for their views? That's not about imposing control - it's about the benefit of experience (although, of course, should always be done tactfully). I certainly do not think it is fair - and I think 'fair' is most certainly a word that applies, as well as 'reasonable' 'considerate' 'grateful' and probably a few more. We have raised an entitled generation, I'm afraid - it remains to be seen how they will cope when their children are adult! I hope you can discuss it calmly and come to an arrangement.

It sounds very unfair BUT I remember being in a similar quandary as my mil loved having the kids and taking them out but her driving deteriorated quite suddenly and we felt we couldn't let her out them both in the car as the added distraction of kids might make her driving even worse, basically she quickly became unsafe on the road and we had to insist she stopped driving altogether. Even if your driving is ok they may be anxious, and with childcare often very hard to find they may be understandably stressed if they can't rely on you and there's nowhere else they can get help with the children. My mil didn't understand how difficult it was as she had never worked and thought mother's should stay home with children (despite have a daughter who was a medical consultant). Who knows what they are stressing about but worth giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to work something out as difficult for both parties.

tickingbird said all that I would say. Very unreasonable!

Emma64 I feel very sad for you as you are in a very difficult situation. It looks as if you agree to their demands, which is difficult for you, but does mean you see your gs and get to bond with him, or you put your foot down and risk losing that close contact. If their worry is about you taking him out in the car then perhaps you have to go along with that but, in that case, if they have another car, can they bring him to yours in the morning and collect him? Whatever you do though, don't fall out with them and risk not seeing your gs, that would be terrible for you. I hope you can sort this out.

DGD1 came for short stays from the age of five months and at nearly 20 is still close and loving and makes it her business to stay in touch. DGD2 and DGS were with us much less often and I know them far less well. Neither set of parents ever questioned what the children did when they were with us, trusting that we had been sensible parents and so would be even more careful with our GC. I would never have accepted the restrictions described - the days with very young children are long enough without being tied to the house - and not even one’s own house!

Emma64

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. Yes, I’ve usually looked after him at ours and no incidents or dramas. They bought the car seat and I offered to buy it off of them but was told “don’t be silly you don’t need to do that”. I’m prepared to compromise on the not taking him in the car and letting them know if we’re going for a walk in the buggy but would prefer to have him at mine where I can also get on with my day. I work Monday through Thursday so it’s part of my time off. Plus as he’s getting a little older it’s trickier to keep him entertained stuck in doors all day. We are going to try and discuss it calmly as I really do want to know what their concerns are.

If my Mum ever looked after my kids I was so grateful , she wouldn't have tolerated me laying down the law either . I ? let them treat you so disrespectfully considering you are proving free and loving childcare. You all need to talk !

Whenever we minded our GC we never asked their parent's permission to take them anywhere! We went wherever we needed or wanted to go (on foot, with the buggy or in the car) just with a small child in tow. We bought our own car seats and buggies. None of the parents ever objected or set rules for how we cared for our GC. We had brought them up so they thought us more than capable of caring for their children. TBH I would not have been dictated to in the way that the OP is being treated.

Emma64 Go and see your S and DIL. Don't wait for them to instigate the discussion, go and see them. Ask them bluntly why they object to you taking your GS out when he is with you. It may be easy for your S to argue with you in a phone call, not so easy when you're standing in front of him. Assure them that you will always take the greatest care of your GS and give him all the attention he needs, but their 'rules' are restrictive and unreasonable. Suggest that you buy your own car seat and buggy so that you can take him to the shops/park/library or petting farm which he and you would enjoy. Remind them that you are doing them a favour by providing free childcare. If they still refuse to compromise then tell them they'll have to make other arrangements as you are not their employee.

Nobody would have me over a barrel over childcare for grandchildren. We help with ours when we can and while they are with us it's definitely our rules.
OP I wouldn't even bother contacting them and let them come to you.
They sound very controlling people and need to learn that you can't control your parents or inlaws.

We looked after both sets of grandchildren one day a week until school age. Both daughters were extremely grateful, and what we did with them was never questioned, it never occurred to me that they wouldn’t trust us with their care. It’s very sad that you will possibly lose the bond you have developed with your grandchild. I agree with mOnica, a civilised conversation needs to happen.

Absolutely Awesomegranny you either trust the person you leave your child with or you don't, and as others have also said this needs to be discussed sensibly.

The apparent silent treatment is petty, immature and counter productive.

Yes it does, I think that can be achieved by respecting the parents feelings until they are ready for little one to go out in the car.

Forcing the issue will just cause stress and anxiety and put more strain on the relationship

No that’s out of order. If they trust you to look after their son, then it should be perfectly ok to take Gs out and about in your car. If they have an issue they need to discuss sensibly with you.

maybe they solved the childcare issue but a much bigger and more important issue needs to be resolved; the relationship between the family members.

I'm so sorry that you've been estranged by your son Sheian and that you and your GC are being punished because you were unable to provide the free childcare/baby sitting that he wanted.

To have the relationship you've built with your GC taken away is cruel, for you and for them. We were lucky that when our son estranged us more than 9.5 years ago, our GC was less than a year old.

We were never really given the chance to get to know him and have never met his younger brother. We miss what we never had, how much harder for you to miss the GC you know and love .

It seems they solved it by one of them not working Fridays

An informative and I think helpful post from the perspective of a registered childminder Shoulddobetter. It's extremely unlikely that they'll find a childminder who'd be prepared to look after their child under such restrictive conditions.

I have every sympathy. Following a dispute with my AS regarding 4 year old GD whom I had cared for once a week overnight and every Thursday with the odd babysitting, he has controlled and manipulated us long enough. Following a disagreement when he wanted us to have now 2 children from Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon while he had a “blowout” night out (I was working 3 days a week then), we offered Saturday 4pm until 10 am Sunday, he cut us off as it wasn’t long enough. He returned GC birthday gifts and cards and told us to keep away. We have not seen our AS, GF or GC now for a year and he has told our other AS that they are moving away. It is extremely hard and upsetting, but we refuse to pander to their selfishness any longer. There is a lot more to this story, but hard as it is for us, we will wait until he apologises and contacts us. Currently we have been blocked in phone and social media. Respect is not in their vocabulary nor is gratitude for saving them £thousands. We were bank of mum and dad. No more!

Yes I agree a calm discussion is needed, if someone looks after a grandchild on a regular basis it is really not usual to have to ask for permission to take them out in the buggy (which is not the same as mentioning your plans to the parents so as they know what is happening). I would only expect to ask permission if planning a special outing

Up until now this has been a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Now it is not. Have a calm conversation and figure out together how to move forward. You both might still need some time before this can happen.

As far as posters calling the parents names, I don’t think that’s conductive to helping OP stay in a calm frame of mind.

Some odd but not unsurprising responses here.
I certainly would not want to be stuck in an out of the way house with an energetic toddler, unable to drive or reasonably walk anywhere for such a long day.
The parents presumably need childcare to work and of course it is free if you provide it. For this to work there has to be give and take on both sides whereas here there appears to be none on the part of the son. Indeed there does seem to be an element of blackmail: if you don't toe the line you won't see the grandson. There may be reasons for their anxiety about you taking him out, but they need to resolve those.

You are being more than reasonable. You are not at fault, your son is having a massive tantrum and it seems he is quite happy to use you for his own benefit. I hope you do not try to be conciliatory with him, he needs to grow up and accept that you are not in his employ and have a life of your own. If he has to be so controlling It suggests your son has some sort of problem that he needs to resolve, and he needs to trust you.
Do not let him “make” you feel any guilt about standing up for yourself. Is your son a narcissist?

He is being a selfish, tell him to act his age and not be such a drama queen. The petty narcissist wants to realise you are doing him a favour.