How long to see a newborn grandchild?

Welcome lotus - and congratulations on the little one.

I'm another who thinks you will probably see the new little family about as much as you have been doing.
I have 5 children, three with children of their own. Mostly I see them about the same as I did before the babies came along - though I do go to cricket matches and swimming galas etc now the children are older.

I think we are a close family - though most definitely not in each others pockets - and I'm happy to drop everything in an emergency.
I don't do any regular "daycare" for any of them though have done so for periods if needed.

Like Grammaretto I lived a long way from parents and in-laws when my family was growing and, like her, I was not prepared to hand my babies round so everyone got a "turn".

I think we all find the way to be the best parents we can be. The solutions are different as we are different people.
Be patient. My own children loved my parents dearly in spite of the distance and irregular contact. Please try not to worry.

Thank you for all the great suggestions everyone.
I'm new here & am so happy I found this website.
Many of you gave me good ideas, I hadn't considered before.
It was very helpful.

I suspect that your DiL is also on the spectrum which is probably why she suits your son. My husband had very little contact with his family once we were married and moved away. In fact after his father died and his mother went into bungalow half an hour away from us he never visited her at all. When I had any of our grandsons in our house he usually went to read in the bedroom and when DD bought a really nice house just 10 minutes away he couldn't be bothered to go and see it. He just wasn't interested in other people even if they were family. I was about the only person he could cope with. Any family stuff he did was definitely as a duty and rarely turned out to be "fun"

I think because you haven't got a close relationship with your DIL now, expecting it change because she's having a baby, won't happen.

If she's on the spectrum, she may be similar as your son with rules, social skills etc which explains the 'cold' vibe you get from her.

Same with your son.

Change your expectations and just go with their wishes.

It’s perfectly okay to be sad you’ll have to wait longer than you wish to meet the grandchild , first or tenth! The issue her seems to be that in reality it’s not really your call is it? It seems your current relationship with your son and dil has been limited to three calls a year - and so I find a good rule of thumb is to not expect relationships to magically change because a baby is present. You haven’t been involved in their lives , and it may be that that continues. I would set the expectation with myself that I will probably continue the same type of relationship I had previously. If the baby motivates more frequent contact and visits wonderful , if not than that’s that. Covid is sadly still very much a thing, especially with vulnerable populations and newborns are quite vulnerable. Our youngest gran was born a year ago and son and dil’s pediatrician absolutely recommended using as much covid caution as possible and limiting visits and going out especially in those first few months, as modern protocols have changed. Their daughter was born with a heart condition in the end and they had to be even more cautious and guarded for much longer. In fact they still have only just begun larger gatherings and such. The good news is in today’s world pictures, and videos exist and at the end if they say we love the grands and our ac enough to accommodate the guidelines they feel necessary.

Just go with the flow as much as you can, people anxiously waiting for a baby to turn up say all sorts of things, upsetting yourself before anything has happened is exhausting.
Enjoy the pub meeting, say how well they look etc and relax.

You daughter in law may be on the autistic spectrum as well hence her perceived coldness to you and the need to do everything by the book
Just stop going over and over it you ll be invited when they feel it’s right

OP

You do sound over eager to meet the baby.
I also read some jealousy and competition between you and the other ILs
Example: whether or not they were at the wedding

I do think you should scale down your expectations.

Your ILs do not seem to pursue a friendship with you because their daughter got married to your son.

Your son may or not be affectionate due to autism or just because the person he is.
I have met plenty of autistic people who are on both ends of affection

I would caution to make your dil the bad guy with the baby's and family decisions - your son is making those decisions too

If you expect your visits to increase now there's a baby on the picture- may not happen
Past visits and relationship is an indicator of the frequency post baby

Not you, I mean generally*

You sound a little sad OP so I just want to reassure you that it will probably be ok.
What they do in preparation for the C- section is up to them but I guess they ate quite frightened about the whole thing and overthinking.
When we had our first baby in a nursing home, both DGP were desperate to visit but were only allowed a view of the swaddled baby through a glass window of the nursery.
They lived 500 miles away and worked full time so had very little input. However over the years good relationships were made and now my MiL is the adored matriarch of the family with 10 GGC.
What I can't understand is why you would want your mother present at the birth which seems to be the fashion now.

I'm going to use "autistic" because we don't use aspergers really now...

If your son is autistic, well he might be quite a stickler for rules.

If as previously mentioned someone has advised limiting social activity until 2 months, he might find that hard to go against.

I also think you should ask for photo and video updates.

To be fair to you, you don't sound pushy just a bit hurt and that's understandable. You don't have the close relationship with your son and dil that you would like.

I wish I had some better advice for you but all I can say is, be respectful of their decisions and hopefully that will work in your favour in the long run

Baggs

I'm now wondering if I need to have a guilt trip about taking Minibaggs along to the tea-break of a Scottish dance class – that I had been teaching right up to 39 weeks – when she was ten days old......

Nah.

Yup, took my first one back at two weeks to the Infant class I’d been teaching, so they could all “have a go” at holding him?

That was 40 years ago.

Agree M0nica. Some families are much more cautious than others, and even were in the "old days". A neighbour of mine was quite surprised when I was in town shopping with 2 week old - she had this notion that you couldn't bring them anywhere for at least a month!

I do feel for you, OP, to me it does seem precious and over-controlling - to ban GPs from visiting for so long, though obviously anyone with a cold/other infection/cold sore, should stay away.

Do most people not want to show off their babies any more? My ILs were some of the first to visit after dd1 was born, and we saw and cuddled all 3 of our Gdcs within hours of birth - and dd’s ILs (who live a lot further away) were welcome as soon as they could make it.

Apart from Covid, advice from some "experts" these days is little or no socialising before baby has had first vaccines at 2 months, so they may have heard this.

My goodness, there are how many people on the planet? 6 billion, 7 billion. Since time begn babies have been born in family homes amid extended families and communities, however did we manage to survive to be so poplous?

I'm now wondering if I need to have a guilt trip about taking Minibaggs along to the tea-break of a Scottish dance class – that I had been teaching right up to 39 weeks – when she was ten days old......

Nah.

Apart from Covid, advice from some "experts" these days is little or no socialising before baby has had first vaccines at 2 months, so they may have heard this.

Fortunately, my family are pretty relaxed and I saw new grandchildren as soon as convenient, but I know of others more recently where parents were very cautious.

In reality, new babies are quite boring (in my opinion!) but by 2 months they start to get more interesting - looking at you, maybe smiling. If you can get photos and videos sent in meantime you won't miss much by waiting till parents are ready.

Oh please a pacifier and comb are hardly gifts are they? They didn’t ask for much
Perhaps the girl is adding the time up because she thinks
she ll be having a c section or in case she has a c section perhaps she’s just using CoviD as an excuse who knows maybe is just a boundary in case and won’t happen at all
Just go with the flow and you might be surprised

I don’t understand all these time limits that people impose these days People came and went as they would when I was having babies mind you I didn’t have a big family to fit in but it never occurred to be to set any kind of limits or boundaries

2 months is a long time for a visit but it is what it is stay on good terms with your daughter in law Some of us didn’t see our first grandchild for months or more owing to different countries others have never seen their grandchildren owing to fall outs Take what comes and enjoy the little one when you go see them

(Your son has Asperger’s and isn’t socially skilled maybe she does too, just a thought )
Enjoy your visit to the pub garden give your bits and pieces over to then Wish her well with the birth and tell her you’re there for them with anything they may need if and when they need it )
Things will work out try not to worry

All you can do is accept what they offer.

It is not a good idea to ask if you've offended your d-i-l.

And if she has made it clear she doesn't want (is not interested in) you meeting her parents, you have to accept that too.

In short, your role with any grandchild is what they say it is. Don't pester. Just accept. It may be hard but it's the safest way.

Lotus - please don't assume that a mother's protection of her baby is controlling.

Lotus888 is not in the UK I think (from language) so being sensible and the rules around Covid are perhaps different.

When you meet them, why not say that you respect their wishes but would they be kind enough to keep you up to date with photos and videos of the baby. You might be lucky and find they're willing to do that.

There is no normal in any aspect of family relations, there is only what family members want.

In this case, your son and DiL are having a child, it is their child and they call the shots, no matter how reasonable or unreasonable those shots might be.

Whatever is happening in this relationship, reasonable or unreasonable, you are not doing anything 'wrong', - or 'right' for that matter. You are just a puppet in their hands and must dance to their bidding. Comparing your contact with contact of the other side of the family is pointless as is comparing with other people's experience.

It is a waste of time to worry about what you may have done or not done, whether you are over familiar. This whole scenario has absolutely nothing to do with you. So stop fretting and worrying about your behaviour, it is nothing to do with you. Do everything as your son and DiL dictate and hope over time you will get more contact with your grandchild.

There is nothing you can do about it.

It's on her terms. I barely saw my newborn first grandson (living nearby) for a couple of months and wasn't allowed to take him out on my own for a year. It was agony and I couldn't understand it but I didn't know that my daughter-in-law was mentally ill at the time. My lovely son was powerless to intervene. Anyway, grandson is 12 now, we are so very close and although the couple aren't together his mum and I are really good friends (going to see a movie tonight). At the time I needed IMMENSE patience and was inwardly very cross and upset. Now I realise that it was her baby, her terms. Hindsight is a great thing! I hope things improve for you as they did for me lotus888. PS It didn't take 12 years - I had him almost full time from age 2 when the relationship broke down.