Do I approach my son and DIL about their lifestyle and parenting issues?

Oh dear, skimming through OP ‘s “worries” makes me wonder what century he is living in.
Chicken nuggets, French toast - not exactly spawn of the devil are they?
Eating together? Monday - Friday for my children’s entire childhood DH ate after they were in bed and he was home after his (knackering) commute home from the office. “Rebellious behaviour” in a 4 year-old? Whoulda thunk it?
Going out and asking you to babysit once in two weeks? Lucky them! If I’d had parents living within striking distance we’d have gone out too, but as a SAHM babysitters came expensive so a group of friends formed a babysitting circle.
I fear OP and Grandma are living in cloud cuckoo land and the less they say the better!

What are the "pressing things" that your wife is worried about and feel you have not adequately relayed? Are those things putting the child in danger?

Big big mistake my friend if you go along with it to keep your wife happy or because you don’t want to rock the boat with her you are really really going down the wrong route
As for bringing your ex wife into it this, it is growing now and in the wrong direction, is she the child’s grandmother and does she visit him ? If you ve had to tell her all about it then probably not

What are these more pressing things that your wife feels you are playing down ?

The parents both work hard ✔️
They go out a lot (every two weeks !!! Really a lot )
The child’s eats chicken nuggets etc instead of meat and two veg
They don’t sit down to eat together … doesn’t often happen in working families
He misses the toilet normal at 4 he’s too interested in what he’s doing to bother then rushes and gets caught out
Too many cats, their choice nothing to do with you
He wants to be with you more than your wife…. I think I would too she sounds jealous and this sounds like the crutch of it all

You asked our opinion and it’s quite rare for everyone to agree and this time everyone has given you the same advice BECAUSE we are looking in and not trying to keep your wife happy

Say nothing if you are wise if you do talk to them expect a coldness to descend and probably less contact or no contact with your happy little fella
BE VERY CAREFUL

Please heed the advice of those on here and don’t criticise their parenting style. Constructive advice if fine - but only if asked for.

Enjoy the time you have with your GS - he sounds a normal little boy. Yes they test boundaries - but just be firm when he’s at your home. I have 3 GC aged 8, 5 and 2 and they are all different but I am firm - my house, my rules. I would never criticise my ACs parenting style (but might think it in my head and chat with partner ?- but that would be as far as it goes) unless they asked my opinion and/or were seeking advice.
Be careful - you risk losing all contact if you interfere. You’ve already inferred they have stressful jobs, don’t make the situation worse - and you will if you go down that path.

Unless your GS is in danger i.e from abuse then keep it zipped or interfere at your peril!

Hithere

Your wife's educational credentials mean nothing - it is not relevant whatsoever

This is unsolicited advice that is judging the parents of the child according to your standards

If child is happy and healthy- leave it alone or you may come to the board with "my son and dil are using my gc as a pawn and we cannot see him" (sarcasm intended)

I agree - if I were you I would fully expect to see grandchild
Less often - at least for the short term. Tell
Your wife to mind her lane - he’s not her child or her grandchild and it’s not her concern.

I agree with others.
You must keep it zipped for everyone’s sake. There would be a very bad atmosphere after raising the subject, and then what? It’s their child, whatever your wife’s credentials are.

Your wife's educational credentials mean nothing - it is not relevant whatsoever

This is unsolicited advice that is judging the parents of the child according to your standards

If child is happy and healthy- leave it alone or you may come to the board with "my son and dil are using my gc as a pawn and we cannot see him" (sarcasm intended)

Thank you all for your responses. I read it to my wife and she thought I didn’t present the information as urgently as she sees it. At her request I called my ex wife and she also thinks we should talk to them about their behavior. I don’t want to get into a rift with my wife she has worked in education more than 30 years and feels something has to be done now.

Loulelady very perceptive imo. It does hurt when it's a single child not with sibs to "share out".

I agree with the previous posters and would also add that 4 years old is a prime age for becoming aware of sex difference and identifying strongly with being a boy or a girl. A friend's son is at this stage and after four years of being all about mummy and them having the closest relationship, she is having to mask her occasional sadness about their son being all about daddy. Even talking about films or toys he will ask "Is that a boy film or a girl film?" - before committing an opinion. He certainly hasn't been brought up in such a rigidly gendered environment so it's just a stage. I wonder if your wife feels a little rejected and that is colouring the degree of censure she feels and is expressing to you.

No if child is not in danger, just leave it. And your wife getting upset about a 4 year old's preferences for Grandpa ...as your wife has been involved in education for many years she should know better! He is 4 years old!!!

No no no no it all sounds perfectly normal for a four year old finding his feet
My sons friend ate nothing but fish fingers for as long as I knew him he d have them any and every meal he’s a strong 50 year old now and I m sure he eats a balanced diet
One of my grandkids drank loads of milk but did nt like eating much, a few peas a bit of cereal but again a normal young man now
As long as he’s loved and sounds as if he is leave well alone and tell you wife in the kindest possible way she needs to keep her opinions well and truly in her head
Love laugh and carry on as you are

I certainly would not say anything. It would probably cause a rift and at the end of the day are they going to change because you think it's a good idea? Or as they may see it, don't approve of their choices? I have no doubt that your wife is right, that they do not put his needs first. In your circumstances I would ensure that he had fresh fruit and veg when in my care but there's really nothing you can do to change their lifestyles. The best bit of advice I would say is to take note when he's doing something that you approve of so that type of behaviour is encouraged. He's lucky to have such caring grandparents.

I wouldn't raise how they rear him. He sounds like he is thriving and happy and that's good. My only concern would be the 'bathroom' incidents as that could indicate a bladder infection etc. Worth perhaps asking, if very frequent, if they think he has an infection.

Lovely age….4. One of mine has just turned 4. Just enjoy the time you spend with him. Don’t worry about how his parents are bringing him up, as long as he is not exposed to danger. His outbursts are just a child being a child. Just give him lots of love, but don’t interfere. They thrive on love. Good luck

I've watched very carefully the way DS and DiL set boundaries and follow the way. That doesn't mean to say I let him get away with deliberate testing behaviour to me but they will never be that delightful quixotic age again.

I’m in childcare and a gran to four. No it’s their child don’t interfere!

You sound like a wonderful caring Granddad. No don’t say anything as people don’t change. Just give the little boy healthy meals and lots of love and all should be well.

ime children generally 'play up' around those they trust and know will care for them and I agree with everyone else

No, utopiarun, that way is to alienate both of you as they will react in a hostile way and you might be shut out.

The way you personally propose, carrying on being a great grandad, is the way to go unless your grandchild is in danger.

Your wife and ex wife have to let go. Yes, easier said than done.

I know that my DiL is a lot closer to her mum and will always be, and thats really quite normal, and I don't agree with some stuff, and DiL will never be really close to me, and I accept their way. And thats not always easy, I wish she'd be closer to me like her mum, but thats unrealistic except in a small number of cases. So it's not easy for your wife and Ex.

My son would always take his wife's side. Remember that, and enjoy the little lad as best you can.

You can hint that children benefit from routine and healthy eating, but ultimately they will raise their child in their own way.

You will find that the little one will fall into the routine and discipline at your house when he is there, and be happy for it.

Absolutely not! Normal sounding 4 year old with a normal 4 year old's diet - probably has much more than you think. Normal 4 year old attitude to grandparents (my 2 youngest 4&5 want Papa to do everything). Normal for 4 year olds to have toilet accidents. Your wife is in danger of you both being estranged if you have this attitude!

No, leave it alone

If your DD and DDiL want to discuss their child's behaviour with you, you could perhaps make a tactful comment if you believe you have an idea that could help.

Don't criticise their lifestyle, tho, and make sure to give your DGS healthy food when he is with you.

The last thing you said: enjoy the time you have with DGS.

None of the things you have mentioned sound like things that the parents are likely to start doing differently just because you and your wife think they should.