ADHD in adult daughter

At 7 DGD should be able to check boxes for dressing, eating, teeth, hair - every morning on a chart. You could "own" the chart and the gifts for completion.

We had charts for our daughters, they completed the chart (for a week) and got a tiny gift (candy, book, art supplies, small amount of money, etc). The gifts were decided prior, based on the child's interests

Perhaps you helping DGD (charts and prizes) could work, if that would be ok with your daughter.

BlueBelle

Oh dear between a rock and hard place if she’s not open to suggestions not a lot you can do I guess
You don’t say the age of the daughter is she old enough to help herself Can you make a game out of her ticking off the things to do in the morning obviously if she’s pretty young this won’t work
May I ask what made her ask for a diagnosis at 34 was she realising she wasn’t getting things right

My DGD is 7

Oh dear between a rock and hard place if she’s not open to suggestions not a lot you can do I guess
You don’t say the age of the daughter is she old enough to help herself Can you make a game out of her ticking off the things to do in the morning obviously if she’s pretty young this won’t work
May I ask what made her ask for a diagnosis at 34 was she realising she wasn’t getting things right

BlueBelle

To be honest the strategies should have been set up in childhood but that doesn’t help now
I don’t agree with Imaround that there’s nothing you can do but she does have to want your help and be open to your help
Habit and (boring) routines are what are needed
And you can help her set them up if she’s open to you helping
Tick lists if she’s will cooperate which then become mental tick lists and then become habit I ve seen it happen first hand and moved someone from a dithering wreck forgetting everything and all over the place to someone in better control and ready on time it’s not a quick result though may take many months or more but it then radiates into other areas
You don’t say how old her daughter is but perhaps she could help as a game
Give her the tools she needs to get out of her brain whizzing from one thing to another it’s not a miracle and there will still be difficulties but it might help that early morning chaos

She's 34 and recently diagnosed. She has a problem with anything I suggest, as it's 'parenting' and that's a 'no' for adult ADHD

imaround

Unfortunately, you can't do anything. It won't work.

She needs to live through the consequences of her condition in order to want to make changes. Anything you do to make her life easier is just enabling her to not get more help.

There are other effective medicines she can be taking. There are executive functioning classes she can take. But she has to want to do it.

Source: I and My kids have ADHD so I have personal experience with this.

Hi, thanks for your honesty. I wonder where she would find out about executive functioning classes?

To be honest the strategies should have been set up in childhood but that doesn’t help now
I don’t agree with Imaround that there’s nothing you can do but she does have to want your help and be open to your help
Habit and (boring) routines are what are needed
And you can help her set them up if she’s open to you helping
Tick lists if she’s will cooperate which then become mental tick lists and then become habit I ve seen it happen first hand and moved someone from a dithering wreck forgetting everything and all over the place to someone in better control and ready on time it’s not a quick result though may take many months or more but it then radiates into other areas
You don’t say how old her daughter is but perhaps she could help as a game
Give her the tools she needs to get out of her brain whizzing from one thing to another it’s not a miracle and there will still be difficulties but it might help that early morning chaos

Unfortunately, you can't do anything. It won't work.

She needs to live through the consequences of her condition in order to want to make changes. Anything you do to make her life easier is just enabling her to not get more help.

There are other effective medicines she can be taking. There are executive functioning classes she can take. But she has to want to do it.

Source: I and My kids have ADHD so I have personal experience with this.

Norah

Does she take adderall? That seems to help our daughters.

She has Concerto

Does she take adderall? That seems to help our daughters.

JaneJudge

So from what you have said, she may need visual reminders and maybe a plan so that she keeps within her routine?

Maybe getting everything ready the night before (even lunches in the fridge) might help to a degree if it is time management.

Day routine (jobs that have to be done at a certain time every day)
Week routine (once weekly things)
Monthly routine (bills etc/dates)

Yes, she has tried all of these, but can't maintain it...

Hithere

Kymeec

You need to ask your daughter how you can support her.

Has she asked you to be a coparent?

Your daughter needs to learn the tools to manage her life

Your coparenting is only putting a patch and not addressing the real issue

I have asked her, she says she doesn't know. With regard to co-parenting, it's pretty much de-facto. Sometimes she says we co-parent, sometimes she doesn't. I agree she needs to learn the tools, but how? Adults with ADHD have problems with being 'parented' but I am her parent, so that's kind of tricky. I know it's not addressing the real issue, hence my original post.... I'm at my wits end

So from what you have said, she may need visual reminders and maybe a plan so that she keeps within her routine?

Maybe getting everything ready the night before (even lunches in the fridge) might help to a degree if it is time management.

Day routine (jobs that have to be done at a certain time every day)
Week routine (once weekly things)
Monthly routine (bills etc/dates)

Kymeec

You need to ask your daughter how you can support her.

Has she asked you to be a coparent?

Your daughter needs to learn the tools to manage her life

Your coparenting is only putting a patch and not addressing the real issue

Norah

Two of our daughters are adhd. They require no more parenting support from us than our other daughters.

What sort of support were you envisioning?

I just don't know? I'm not even sure what's available...

Hithere

Does your dd have support and medical assistance for her adhd?

Has she asked you to help you parent her child?

She is on medication, but no further support. They both lived with us for the first few years. She has lived on her own now for about 3 years, but we provide childcare most weekends (she works in retail) It's more than a grandmother role.

JaneJudge

I googled and this came up, which is quite interesting

childmind.org/article/help-for-parents-with-adhd/

It suggests having routines and calm is helpful, which makes sense.

Thank you, I'll get on it!

She is struggling with many things to do with DGD. Getting her to school on time, clean clothes, hairbrushing, teeth brushing, keeping the house clean, clutter etc.

'Have' surely rather than 'are'? I'm sure there's more to you all than ADHD!

Two of our daughters are adhd. They require no more parenting support from us than our other daughters.

What sort of support were you envisioning?

Does your dd have support and medical assistance for her adhd?

Has she asked you to help you parent her child?

I googled and this came up, which is quite interesting

childmind.org/article/help-for-parents-with-adhd/

It suggests having routines and calm is helpful, which makes sense.

What sort of support does she need? I am ADHD, as are DS and DGS. Both DS and myself have not needed any help with parenting, although I do know these things vary.