DGS unhappy about convos not involving him

Thank you Doodle. I see him as sensitive not spoiled

DGS isn't noticeably jealous of his sister, more the opposite, wants to hold her and push the pram. Maybe he's trying to share the attention he sees her getting? I thought I was being careful not to focus on her not him but this episode is making me take a check. I'm really grateful for all the time and effort being put into your posts and the positive suggestions for how to move past this. This is the 1st time I've used a forum like this and am blown away. Thank you all again

I can understand how frustrating it is all round!
Poor boy, visiting Granny but she and Mummy chat amongst themselves (as any mother would want to do with her daughter) but he doesn’t see it that way.
So I would suggest more strategic use of your time- have that mother/daughter time when he is at school or involved in one of his interests -Lego, books, football, colouring etc and resist the temptation to focus on your daughter when you are all together. Talk to him, share his activity, even watch TV with him or do a puzzle together.
Out of interest- where is Daddy or Granddad on these occasions? Surely it is not always just the 3 of you?
I think we have all had experience of trying to have a conversation with our AC which is then “sabotaged” by the GC needing attention.
There is a way round it, but it requires patience from OP and her DD.

I once read that having a new baby in the family for a previously only child, was like a husband saying to his wife, I love you so much I’ve decided to have another just like you.

Could you have the baby so he can have some time with his parents? I know it is something he is going to have to get used to, but it might help the transition. If he’s turning down one in one time with you it sounds like it’s his mum’s attention that he’s missing the most.

His world has just shifted, after 9 years of being the only child in the family there is another whom he is expected to love and accept unconditionally. On top of that, we all know the fuss that people make of new babies. When the older child is a toddler everyone thinks of the displacement and they will get presents and extra attention, we forget that, it will be equally dificult for an older child. and in this case he is capapble of expressing how he feels.

I do not think he is spoilt, but I have a much younger sister and, in her case, again, it was not that she was spoilt, but she was the first consideration when anything was being arranged because she was so much younger than the rest of us. It is probably the same with this child, not spoilt, but used to the world just revolving round him.

Suddenly the world revolves round someone else and he feels alone and isolated.

What sounds spoilt about a boy saying he feels invisible when with his mum and grandma. That’s not spoilt he’s just expressing his feelings.

Sounds a bit of a spoiled boy to me.I have a ten year gap between my two children,my daughter was certainly old enough and smart enough to know that mums attention was needed by baby but that wouldn't last forever ,
I wouldn't have let my child insist he be included when clearly some adult conversations are between ...well ADULTS and he should be able to amuse himself for a wee while without being centre of attention

A lot of people have mentioned jealousy of the baby and feeling left out, in that way.
Maybe, tho, he feels he's a big boy now and should be more included with the adults.

My son, 4 when his sister was born, definitely felt he was one of the big ones, not an ex-baby.
Maybe your DGS feels that too.

I agree a bit of jealously of new baby but possibly also a bit of jealously of you and his mum. Think about it - they're going to see you so he thinks, excellent, I'll have both mum and gran to play with me... And then instead you spend ages (to him it seems like ages) talking to each other. So he doesn't get mum's attention at home because of baby, and he doesn't get it at your house either. And coming to see you without mum only solves a part of that problem - the mum part of the issue is probably more important to him, hence not jumping to see you alone. He's probably thinking 'gee, they're missing the point here'.

I'm sure he loves the new baby, but is just feeling a bit ignored (not anyone's fault) and insecure. He'll get over it. I would catch up with your daughter when he's not there for a while, put the focus on him while he's there.

HappyBut, if you are open to suggestions then I have a few. While knowing he is likely emotional because of his baby sisters appearance, I would still make some small efforts to include him more or make him feel important to you as a person separate from his sister, as in not lumping them together when/if you pay him some extra attention.

As I said, some little things like possibly seeking him out first when you arrive at your DDs place and only when that’s done do you then give your hello to the baby. Another could be asking him about something he mentioned last visit or just talking to him one on one instead of talking to him, his sister and your DD as a group and asking open ended questions that would get him talking about himself.

Definitely don’t ask him why he feels left out of conversations though, being 9 years old I can imagine the best answer you’d get from that is a shrug and an “I don’t know”. Why doesn’t matter anyway, all that matters is that he feels that way. Also asking him about it would likely embarrass him and make him wish he had not said it at all which is no good.

As you mentioned, this obviously troubling him. Even if he isn’t very receptive to your trying to include him, I’d say keep at it. His sister isn’t going anywhere and so neither is this feeling of being on the outside looking in. He needs an extra helping of grandmotherly love! Or grandfatherly…whichever better applies to you

I'd guess the problem is jealousy surrounding new baby. Our daughters are spread over 20 years. Jealousy reared an ugly head now and again.

I would definitely say the cause is the new baby. Can the two of you go somewhere together, see a film, visit something that would clearly interest him and not a baby and perhaps say something to that effect casually while you are out together.

It sounds as if he fears he could be missing out on something if he goes out, even to school, leaving Mummy and new baby sister having fun at home (or so he may think).

It's quite a long time to have been the only child and the centre of attention and he must be having difficulty adjusting. Can you visit them, give him lots of attention?

My DgDs struggling too. - same sort of age & a new baby.
She used to come for tea more often but these days has after school activities and I think she thinks she's missing out if she's not at home with parents & baby.
I'm expecting it to settle down. This winter term is difficult too - New class at school, the weather gets colder, shorter nights, all the bugs around she seems to be catching.

As Doodle and others say, he will be feeling pushed out of things and is worried.Take a real interest in talking to him about anything that he wants to talk about to you, and perhaps take him somewhere for a treat?He will settle down once the baby grows and is part of the family.

Reading the rest of the posts I now wonder if the new baby has upset him. Maybe he feels left out with the baby at home with mum while he has to go to school.
My son is now nearly 50 but I still remember him saying to me “you don’t have room for me anymore” because I used to sit with him in a chair but when I was holding his new baby brother he couldn’t fit in. I loved him more than anything but even with the greatest of care we don’t know what’s going on in young minds. Not necessarily jealousy but scared.

Doodle

When my young DGC came round with their parents either I or my DH was talking to them or playing games with them 90% of the time and the other one of us was doing the grown up chatting. Young children get bored with conversation and want to play or interact. I used to love playing games, Lego, playdoh, cars, cards whatever with my DGC.

Thanks Doodle we do enjoy playing games together. DH isn't always around. I remember as a child how boring adult conversation was

merlotgran

Does convo = conversation?

Yes it does

MawtheMerrier

Convos?

Sorry! conversations

FarNorth

^I'm sad that I'm not being given a chance to speak to him.^

How do you not get a chance to speak to him? Can you phone him?

When you see DD, does DGS get your undivided attention for part of the visit?
If he does, then explain to him that you want to talk about different things with DD and you need to have some time with each of them.

Phoning could be an option and yes DGS does get undivided attention on the occasions we get together. He can be a bit dramatic and unfortunately DD is seeing this through his eyes. After all it takes two to have a conversation

Shelmiss

crazyH

HappyBut - poor choice of Username - sorry, just ignore me.

How rude!!!

Thank you

NotSpaghetti

He is 9, he has presumably had lots of attention for 9 years and now has a baby (if I've read this correctly),

He is feeling pushed out of being "the little one" in the family and so now wants to feel like a grown-up.
That's what I think.
He wants to join in the conversation with your daughter and you.

I am meeting my daughter occasionally now when her children are not there so we can have a different kind of conversation.

Could be way off.

Thanks NotSpaghetti. DGS seems to be struggling a bit with adjusting, wants to be at home with DD and baby

crazyH

HappyBut - poor choice of Username - sorry, just ignore me.

That's not the welcome I'd offer someone new to a forum. Be kind

crazyH

HappyBut - poor choice of Username - sorry, just ignore me.

How rude!!!