HELP me to Help my MIL!

I think she sounds like a character in a suspense/ horror type film and the situation can only get more stressful and creepy unless she is stopped in her obsessive, selfish and mistakenly entitled tracks. What a pain this woman must be. I feel so sorry for you. Good luck and well done BF for standing up to your awful parent !

Nannan2

Madgran77- yes you have to be very specific when asking/explaining things to people with autistic tendencies/behaviours.They are very literal in their understanding of things.

Exactly! Which is why I and others are suggesting it and I think is why there was a response from MiL when it was clearly explained to her. The same strategy needs consistent use

Idunnsapple

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

Maybe because that can be what autism looks like to a neurotypical person? I wonder how you think autism is identified in the first place. It is because a child lacks the usual social skills, empathy, rigidity in thinking and usually has behavioural issues. The earlier you catch it, the better the outcome is for assisting the child to integrate better but those issues are still there, they may just be more manageable. Brain studies have showed that the brain works differently so it is hardly an excuse.

Hetty58

Nannan2, don't forget the op claims to 'work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!' - unbelievable, of course (along with all five pages of it) as she demonstrates total ignorance of it.

The first thing you learn with autism is that when you've met one autistic person with their problems, you haven't met them all. They come in all shapes and sizes with different levels of being able to adapt. With the OP's experience of autism, it surprises me that she doesn't understand the MIL's rigidity in her thinking and the inability to adapt easily. That said, when you're up to your neck with all she is, it can be difficult when you have someone you feel is pushing against you.

It sounds as if your MIL has defined her identity through her role as a mother. Presumably in her own eyes she was an amazing Mum and knows it all. I doubt you will change MIL. Its impossible to change other people, particularly if they dont want to change. For that reason any kind of therapy for her is unlikely to work. It only works if the person receiving therapy is themselves trying to change and is highly motivated. I dont have experience of mediation, nor indeed do I have the answer, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having all these troubles. It is early days. Having a first child is such a massive change for everyone and things may well calm down as time goes on. I would highly recommend joining some kind of mother and baby group even if you are not a group person. Parents can always find common ground for discussion (their children!) and your baby will benefit from contact with others. You also may find people with similar issues for mutual support and it will give you another focus. If nothing else you will at least be out of the house for entire mornings or afternoons and therefore not available to MIL!

My goodness, I really do feel so very sorry for what's happening. You are a little family and need to just tell her you need time to settle and will let her know when it's OK to visit or better still you visit her and can leave when you have had enough. Good luck,

42 years ago as a first-time mum, I sometimes felt annoyed that my own parents seemed not to want to be too involved with my DD, even to the extent of not even making me a cup of tea when they visited. Their attitude, I soon learnt, was that the baby was my job, not theirs, and reading MooMoo22's post I now see that was far easier for me to handle than the situation she finds herself in. As my kids got older they were great with them, I could trust them implicitly. They did school pick-ups, visits to the park, we joined some holidays together. My MIL WOULD have been more involved given the chance, but she didn't live close enough. Even so, she and FIL could be counted on to have the children occasionally. Looking back it was perfect all round.

Sadly I have no real advice to offer MooMoo2 other than that she must stick to her guns with a child at this young age. Like many grandparents I would have liked to have been more involved with my DGKs but I respected my DD's wishes. The GKs are approaching their teens now and we all have a great relationship. Yes, I had to get used to some "rules" that my DD laid down, but that was her and her husband's right. I understand that HIS parents get rather more leeway than us but they live closer and "get away" with things such as giving sweets.

I am very sure, however, that the MIL has serious issues that she needs to address. Whilst I feel very sorry for her, seemingly finding it against her nature to take a back seat, MooMoo22 must not take any risk where her baby is concerned. If this causes a rift with MIL, then so be it. Maybe then the rest of the family will seek to get her help - it simply isn't MooMoo22's job to do that. Clearly MM22 is a very kind lady, but her priority is not MIL right now.

Much love xxxxx

MawtheMerrier NCT or Hypnobirthing and similar ante-natal Mums’ groups and that sort of thing provide massive support for mums - not only First-timers , but also company for the mums and indeed can provide lifelong friendships for both parents, and socialisation for the children. It is incredibly valuable for your MH to be able to share both your own and others’ experience of motherhood. Talking things over with a friend instead of lonely posting on Gransnet (of all things) - not even MN is frankly, a lot healthier and realistic.

IOW, why are you asking GP? Perhaps lower contact, talk with friends in the same situation, post with others your age on MN.

Your partner is out of line, need to turn that around.

My partners made a stupid comment last night ‘when he’s old enough mum you get that fun of turning up and taking him out whenever you want’ . I just looked at him and went absolutely NOT. They don’t take him whenever they want. Would encourage them to do that in a supermarket without paying? No. When he’s older same rules apply you ask, don’t do as you please. Assumptions lead to arguments! And he had to change what he said. I was like you may be ok with your mum doing as she pleases when she pleases if it means shes doing all the hard work you cba doing; but I’m not ok with that, I don't let my parents do that so please stop overriding what we agreed on as you make me look like the bad one and its giving your mum false hopes and its not fair on her!!

5 months old and she's demanding sleep overs!!! She needs to know, much more of this and she won't see him AT ALL. Honestly I don't know what I'd suggest but hugs to you and stay steady.

What on earth was all that about.

grannybuy. Please do. Any info is helplful.

I have a high functioning autistic DIL and she is the mother of my only grandchildren. I have never been allowed to be alone with any of them. She is utterly controlling and it’s been heartbreaking.
She is a full time mother and I look for the good things about her, and her highly focused obsession. She even dictates what books I buy for them. And have given up sending them clothes as I never see them and they are never acknowledged. You just have to accept it
As a mother you have far more power than she does. My granddaughters are now 10, 8 and 3, I see them once or twice a year, but they are happy. And I act happy.
Would I have appealed to my son? No, because wives are number one to sons, not their mothers. Something we have to accept.
I no longer have a husband who would have had some influence on my DIL as she regards men more highly, and her father over her mother. Or perhaps she doesn’t feel she has to compete with them?
Hopefully DIL’s will act with compassion and not compete vigorously for importance and MIL’s are grateful for their grandchildren’s happiness even if they are denied the involvement they would have imagined and hoped for.

MooMoo22 , I'm so sorry you have all this extra stress now when it should be a very happy time. All help from family and friends now should be offering to do housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, anything that gives you time to rest with your new baby

A tad unrealistic I fear endre - many mums are back at work or close to it by 5 months and certainly coping with everything they have to do!
The first week or so, or longer if paternity leave is involved perhaps, but by 5 months reality will have kicked in. And this is with only one baby - let alone a stroppy two year-old or fitting round school drop-off and pick up times.
Nice to dream though….

See thats where your wrong, i don't really see much of my friends or go to groups. Iv tried them and they weren’t for me!

Hmm I wonder if this is part of your problem.
NCT or Hypnobirthing and similar ante-natal Mums’ groups and that sort of thing provide massive support for mums - not only First-timers , but also company for the mums and indeed can provide lifelong friendships for both parents, and socialisation for the children.
Did you do NCT or similar classes?
It is incredibly valuable for your MH to be able to share both your own and others’ experience of motherhood. Talking things over with a friend instead of lonely posting on Gransnet (of all things) - not even MN is frankly, a lot healthier and realistic.
You see I think that in your isolation you are in danger of getting things out of proportion about your reality and how you might like things to be. Other mums (not anonymous grans, however well-meaning, some of whom who may not even BE grandparents) are who you should be relating to .
You say “not for you” -that’s very dismissive - the early months and years are when the foundations are laid for family friendships and socialisation.
Please don’t take this the wrong way - but, to use a cliché, you could do with getting out more!

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

MooMoo22 , I'm so sorry you have all this extra stress now when it should be a very happy time. All help from family and friends now should be offering to do housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, anything that gives you time to rest with your new baby.

Baby is still very new, far too young to stay overnight anywhere. We still have covid and passing him around various people is a definite no do. They should be wearing masks to visit as many young parents are doing right now.

Parenting has changed since the virus as little ones are very vulnerable. You and BF decide on your rules and stick to them. You as Mum come first in this. You need to recover properly and keep well to continue breastfeeding.

I'm a Nan to six and there was a similar issue with one dil's mum, she was quite obsessive, over the top. She undermined her daughter's confidence in everything. Fortunately she lives abroad so it could stop.

Remember, you are number one to your baby and BF. Everyone else are 'help' at this stage. Baby is still very young and needs love, protection and routine. Everything else is down the list. Good luck,

GrannySue, exactly the same happened to my DGD. She’s now fifteen, and hasn’t been to school for almost two years. It’s so sad, because she has no social life, and is missing out on the learning curves of the teenage years. I may PM you.

You're doing all the right things.
Perhaps she could adopt a pet (dog or cat) that she could bestow all her love and care on and as your baby grows up he/she will have a sort of companion. My GC's love our cat - the first thing they do on arrival here is seek her out for a cuddle. You, hubby and baby could help her find a suitable recipient for "all that love she obviously wants so desperately to give".

Moomoo your partners mum is very lucky to have you as a dil. Many on MN and some on here woukd say go no contact. In my mind that is to be avoided if at all possible.
You clearly want this to work out and are bending over backwards to make this happen. She is making incredible demands which if she doesn't stop could easily cause huge problems as time goes on.
You are new parents finding your way and the pressure she seems to be putting on you is unacceptable. I am the maternal gm but wouldnt dream of making these demands. Our gc was nearly a year old before we looked after him on our own. She is being unreasonable but lucky that you have so much patience. Your partner must be primary in speaking to her as she won't take it from anyone else.
I wish you well.

Just checked - it was adapted for i.t.v. in 2010.

If she is a reader, giver her 'The Little House' by Philippa Gregory and suggest you have a book-club type chat about it.

Ask your husband to read it first.

And very good luck in managing this situation. I watched with horror as one grandma-to-be filled her spare room with everything anticipated grandchild could need including clothes up to age 18 months.

MawtheMerrier

For what it is worth, I think this is getting out of hand.
Mountains and if not exactly molehills, not unheard-of family rivalries, spring to mind.
Attitudes seem to be becoming more and more entrenched on both sides too.
Mediation? Really?
What amazes me is how a busy mum with a 5 month old baby who is breast fed, and presumably friends, mum and baby groups, a home to run and a “life” has the time to spend on long long posts seemingly going round in circles.
I’ve only got me and the dog at home and I haven’t got the time to read a fraction of what appears on GN.
I wish you well, OP but with one piece of (no doubt unwelcome advice) - don’t sweat the small stuff.

See thats where your wrong, i don't really see much of my friends or go to groups. Iv tried them and they weren’t for me!

Im fairly good at sending a long message purely because I don’t like sending shorter as I feel you cant fully explain if its all in a short message. Thats me though.

My family have been lovely to theirs. My MIL was awful about my mum at first when he arrived, she accused my mum of being at mine everyday and made out my mum was doing it all for me and she wasn’t. My parents both work full time a police officer and a midwife they call once a week?

I make a conscious effort to go see my Grandparents and my Partners. My MIL doesn’t work a specific day each week I always arrange to see her. I aren’t difficult with her, as I say I want her involved. But as this post is intended I don’t want her beating herself up constantly and getting upset as shes not receiving that love shes craving from the baby!

We know she will get it, but its just not now. A mediator would be good as they are impartial. The inlaws used one with a neighbour they had issues with, iv never used one. But I know a friend who did and it really improved that relationship she had with her In-laws as they got given all sides of it including my friend!

Best thing to do is stop all visits to your house and only visit her for an hour maximum once a week.
When she starts the guilt trips say "well we have to be going now see you next week" and leave immediately even if she's crying and shouting.
This woman is insanely jealous of you and using emotional blackmail to control you. Just say goodbye and leave. Don't let them visit you again until there is a vast improvement in her attitude.
People with autism like regular times and days mostly so if you could keep your time and day you visit the same it will help. Form a routine and stick to it
Hth good luck OP

You have my sympathy, OP.

Just one thought, and I hope you won’t take offence - you seem to be a bit long winded in your explanations and I’m wondering if this is part of the problem with your MIL? Are you saying so much that she is missing the point? Keep it brief, eg. No, baby can’t come for a sleepover yet. He won’t settle.

Nannan2, don't forget the op claims to 'work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!' - unbelievable, of course (along with all five pages of it) as she demonstrates total ignorance of it.