HELP me to Help my MIL!

We just want to help her be aware. If theres any MIL out there how do you prefer to be approached? We tried text thats where we usually get abuse, we tried phone calls, we tried a meal, we tried lunch! Apart from a letter how else could we do it?

Look none of those methods are wrong. She's just not hearing , appears to want it to be her way or the highway and I don't think there is any "magic method" to be honest

It is about stating what is going to happen, ignoring the flak, re stating what is going to happen, refusing to be emotionally blackmailed and doing what YOU want to do regardless of behaviours. Using some of the many strategies suggested by various posters upthread.

You say that you spoke to her about the breastfeeding behaviour and it stopped! Clear unequivocal communication, repeated and repeated with no wavering! Learn from that and do it rather than looking for more "solutions"

welbeck

have you taken this problem to MN ?

I should think the MN posters would shed light on the question.

have you taken this problem to MN ?

Mediator???

Hithere

An adult sorry

Sounds daft, we thought about a family mediator if theres even such a thing! We want try make a resolution to meet in the middle :/

An adult sorry

How to make her aware - actions speak louder than words

She will only learn by being called out

It is not your job to educate and adult to behave

So you want a person who has not been told no all her life by her family to listen to you when you deny her what she wants?

Dont you see how futile it is?
Dont you see how her own son was taught to accept her unreasonable demands as no negotiables?

You will learn soon babies learn with boundaries and consequences - same here with your mil

So sorry for the long messages as well! I never carry my phone about with me in the house!

icanhandthemback

^But then every day it wasn’t a ‘how you feeling’ I got texts about the baby.^
I just wish that they’d just stop and think about how it makes me feel when I get slung aside,

Are you sure you haven't got some jealousy feelings going on here? You wouldn't be the first mother that feels this way and it isn't a criticism but it might be another reason why you and your mother in law are struggling to find that pathway through. I think with a 5 month old baby, a bout of pneumonia and a house move, there is a lot going on here which will be colouring your emotions too.

@mawthemarrier nooo I’m deffo the UK, I'm from good Ol’ West Yorkshire!

No absolutely no jealousy towards her at all quite the opposite i admire how lovely she is and how inclusive she is with her family but she has some things she needs to sort!

I said she really helped when I was ill I'm very grateful and the house move was very easy as we were moving back in after a big renovation we chose to do; so it was a move stuff in over a few weeks job. But sometimes I just wished she was a little more considerate of how it makes me and her son unhappy when shes throwing demands at us and when we say no thank you its like we’ve told her to drop dead and we get emotionally abused.

We both love her! As above we don't doubt she’s a good grandma. But we want to help her understand her role a little better as shes crossing the role of MUM and GRANDMA over, we had a debate a few weeks ago as she was angry that we’d said no to her taking him away for the weekend and she really really carried on with us it was awful and it made us so uncomfortable to be around her. Its sometimes that lack of awareness for others feelings we dont agree with as we’ve tried to be kind, Weve tried to understand but she doesn’t show that same respect back sometimes.

We let her spend time with him ONCE and she folded within 20 mins rang me telling me to come back as he wouldn’t settle. We told her this is why we keep saying he’s not ready and we said no and she agreed we were right and she was wrong. But a few weeks later she was back to the demands and kicking off ringing us crying.

Its really difficult too approach someone who wont listen when you try to say look your really hurting us. Were not going to cut her out, we want her to just understand and be aware of our feelings and not just hers as she does make our son all about her and she often forgets theres more than just her in his life. This is why we wondered if she may have some kind of attachment issues shes quite clingy with all her children and she was really clingy when we brought him home and she sort of almost tried to co-parent up until my mum got involved. She was lovely to her and had to just say look just give them a bit of space were doing the same. Shes never gunna get this feeding right or feel comfortable and confident doing it in public if she feels like somebody is constantly hovering over her shoulder or sitting in her pocket every minute of the day. Give them both some space to just get comfortable before we all start pestering. Well all get our time don't panic. That was another discussion I had to have as she would come too our house; id go feed him in privacy and say wont be long. Of id go so I could comfort him and get comfy as I was still a bit shy of exposing myself in front of people and she’d follow me room to room and stand over me for 24-50 mins And it made me quite nervous as a few times shes take the baby away before he’s finished. Again another argument we had as I told her she should be supportive being a mum who breastfed and I asked how she’d feel if I did that to her and that seemed to stop after that.

We just want to help her be aware. If theres any MIL out there how do you prefer to be approached? We tried text thats where we usually get abuse, we tried phone calls, we tried a meal, we tried lunch! Apart from a letter how else could we do it?

But then every day it wasn’t a ‘how you feeling’ I got texts about the baby.
I just wish that they’d just stop and think about how it makes me feel when I get slung aside,

Are you sure you haven't got some jealousy feelings going on here? You wouldn't be the first mother that feels this way and it isn't a criticism but it might be another reason why you and your mother in law are struggling to find that pathway through. I think with a 5 month old baby, a bout of pneumonia and a house move, there is a lot going on here which will be colouring your emotions too.

but I plowed on sorting the baby out

Are you sure you’re in the UK? That is just so American!

Boundaries get easier over time. So as hard as it will be at first, you need to set them and stick to them.

Sit down with your partner and agree what they will be. Write them down and agree that you will support each other with them.

Agree not just what the boundary is but what the method of dealing with it being broken will be.

Example, she says inappropriate things you leave the conversation or end the visit.

Then enforce them. Enforce them if she cries, if she screams and definitely if they make her angry.

With mental health help, she has to want it for herself and agree it is needed. So it's tough.

Really hope things improve for you.

"do you not care how I feel? What about my special bond with my grandson? He’s mine as well he’s not just yours.. i want my own bond with him"

I hope you reply something like...

"MIL, please stop it. I have a mother's bond with my son just as it should be. YOU will develop a grandmother's bond with your grandson over time, BUT it is a different bond and it is NOT the priority for him at the moment. Its not about not caring about hiow you feel. It IS about caring about our son, ourselves and our parenting, our own little family!"

Off she will go again

And you reply "I've explained, end of discussion. We are not changing our decision!" And leave! Or refuse to discuss if still there

And if she sits sulking I suggest you follow up "Well, we understand you are not happy about our decision but our decision is not changing. If we are going to have to sit here in this atmosphere; watching you sulk/cry; listening to you not accepting our decision then we will leave! Bye!"

As I said previously, describe her behaviour to her. Be specific. It's not just about consequences etc , that strategy is about making sure she is in no doubt about your thoughts and feelings, describing specifically is an appropriate strategy to help someone who is Autistic, whether a child or an adult

Norah

Sad your mil is so difficult, entitled, and obsessed with baby bonding. Not at all normal. You explained her horrible behaviour's impacting you?

Perhaps it's time to cut them back to a 2 hr visit every 1-2 mos?

If they are Christian, maybe ask that they read and assimilate Colossians 3:21 - clear advice to all parents who behave poorly.

Funny you say that she actually is religious!
I don’t follow it all myself but Im sure she would know about part to read.

We love her, we all do!
I was ill with Pneumonia a few weeks back and I’m only just getting past the end of the cough now, i was really unwell but I plowed on sorting the baby out. My partner helped me so much inbetween and so did the MIL one day when I was desperate to shower as my partner was at work. She came over helped me do a few house bits and let me get a shower whilst she sat with the baby and it was really kind of her and appreciated. But then every day it wasn’t a ‘how you feeling’ I got texts about the baby. She came a 2nd time to help and she was terrible with the baby, she was really really pushy with me and tried her darndest to stop me feeding him and I didn’t ask for help again. I tried so so hard to remind myself of the day before and how wonderful she’d been and I was so grateful, then suddenly it just changes.

I love my MIL and my FIL AND my SIL’s! Absolutely love them all to bits. But sometimes I just wish that they’d just stop and think about how it makes me feel when I get slung aside, my feelings get totally brushed under the rug and I feel like I cant speak up or argue my corner for me and my son. Outside of all that I love them all very deeply, I haven’t a bad word to say about them, apart from they can be a little thoughtless at times, my partner is just the same. He can be very thoughtless, but I know he doesn’t mean it and I can easily approach him. My MIL is sometimes easy to speak to and then other times not

Sad your mil is so difficult, entitled, and obsessed with baby bonding. Not at all normal. You explained her horrible behaviour's impacting you?

Perhaps it's time to cut them back to a 2 hr visit every 1-2 mos?

If they are Christian, maybe ask that they read and assimilate Colossians 3:21 - clear advice to all parents who behave poorly.

dragonfly46

It is very sad. I love being a Gran. I don t see my two very often but when I do I get all the joy with none of the responsibility. Such a pity your MiL doesn’t get this.

It saddens me to come to groups like this. This ones been fairly good and aren’t too rude like some groups are.

This seems more grown up and diplomatic. And its nice that everyone see’s each side and not just one. Sometimes I have more patience then other days I just think will you please just go away as I can’t deal with her emotional abuse and the blackmailing. Me as the mother of her grandchild shouldn’t be subjected too it, its not fair on me and its not fair on her Grandson.

She is soooo sooo desperate to get a maternal bond and she struggles so much to understand despite us explaining her bond will be totally different when he is able to show that too her himself. Right now all he’s bothered about is that my Breasts are on tap for drink and comfort and that I’m there for him to feel safe. Iv tried to explain that and I hope she understands that as a mother herself but it gets bent backwards and I always without failure get the ‘do you not care how I feel? What about my special bond with my grandson? He’s mine as well he’s not just yours.. i want my own bond with him’ sometimes its really hard to get her to see that she will have her own bond IN TIME. But forcing it upon him isn’t going to make it happen and she could well frighten him as he’s only a baby!

I want my MIL to be involved but we don’t want her living in our pockets like she’s trying to be. It makes us so uncomfortable when she cries or shouts at us or calls us names when we simply say no or no thank you to something. We get guilt tripped into being made to feel the bad ones and its just not on. Her Autism is HUGE part but sometimes its not an excuse, shes given what she wants constantly as shes been the only mother for so long and shes struggling to hand that role on and I do feel she needs to get some help to really dive into that feeling as I sense shes feeling unwanted. Which she most certainly isn’t. She IS wanted but within a healthy and normal boundary like an my normal family wants!

Like this weekend? Shes away all weekend? Thats not my problem, I didn’t book that holiday nor should I be made to. But there is always the next weekend, her world wont implode if she doesn’t see him for a week. She knows we dont come out weekday evenings past 4/5 as he gets really ratty and wont settle and we have a good evening routine nailed down we say that and then its ‘send him to sleepover…’ its like banging our heads against a brick wall.

Christ what will she do if I go abroad for two weeks like we plan to do next year?!

They went to france this year for 2 weeks. That was planned before he was born. She sulked with her own husband and then tried to refuse to go as apparently it was too heart breaking for her going away and not seeing her baby for 2 weeks. I was like omg GO, id love to be able too afford to go abroad for two weeks, GO enjoy youself. She went and she apparently cried for the first week as she wanted to be at home with the baby.

She needs some proper help and quickly before she destroys the relationship with me and her son! And until she does I don’t want her babysitting alone at all as she needs to get her emotions dealt with and its caused a lot of tears and upset that me and my partner have decided that but we agree. Its not healthy for her mentally or for him!

We love her to bits but we cant be subjected to it anymore were not her counsellor or therapist. Were here grandsons parents and my parents don't do this to us, so neither should she. I said no thanks to baby sitting to my mum and dad and she went ‘thats fine offers there you know well always help’ and that was it! We have to argue and jump through hoops for my MIL. Its really sad as we know how lovely, kind and caring she can be when she just stops and thinks!

eazybee I think you are less than fair. Everything on GN is anonymous and how can anyone ever discuss any problem on GN if we have got to prove that we are being fair to anyone else we refer to?

The OP has an autistic MiL, who is overeacting to becoming a grandmother and causing her and her partner real problems. They are both being consideration itself in regard to MiL as they understand the problems. No one on here has been unkind, but the OP quite understandable struggling with such a full on grandparent and needs help and advice how to do it with as little upset as possible. What is your alternative approach?

It is very sad. I love being a Gran. I don t see my two very often but when I do I get all the joy with none of the responsibility. Such a pity your MiL doesn’t get this.

It is rather sad really.

What she needs to know is that being a gran is a precious role of itself and her current stance means she is losing out on that and will in the future.

It sounds as though she is rather unwell - her approach is far from normal.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this - no fun, when you just want to enjoy your little one.

eazybee

^I agree with others up there sometimes Im far too nice!^

Having read your 12 and counting lengthy posts I would not say you are too nice. Your mother in law may possibly have mental health issues, but the way you are discussing her on here is unkind.

eazybee, MIL is autistic and obviously struggling. I am unsure how much understanding there is on here or with OP despite any previous experience. However, I do think boundaries need to be set so MIL doesn't get the chance to get over enthusiastic. I expect that there is also an element of over protective maternal feelings too which are compounding the situation but at the end of the day, it is the OP's baby and she has the right to make her choice.

I agree with others up there sometimes Im far too nice!

Having read your 12 and counting lengthy posts I would not say you are too nice. Your mother in law may possibly have mental health issues, but the way you are discussing her on here is unkind.

MercuryQueen

Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. You and your partner need to agree what you'll do ahead of time.

I'd start by ending the visit immediately. "No. You're not doing that. We'll try in a month or so." and either leave, or lock yourself in your room with baby until she's gone.

She absolutely needs to accept that she's not the Main Character here. Not for you, your partner, nor your baby. Your world doesn't revolve around her, she doesn't get a vote in your home, relationship or parenting. She is firmly in a supporting player role, and if she can't accept that, she won't be onstage at all.

Best to get this sorted out now before LO is older and starts understanding the games your MIL is playing.

@MercuryQueen
It does take a lot for me to really snap! Iv got a lot on atm with my family and this huge fallout thats happening, so shes bottom of my priorities!

As far the MIL is concerned me and my partner have both told her to stop pressurising us to devote any of our spare time too her when she wants it. We have our own lives and much to her astonishment shes not the centre piece of it. We will let her know if were free but if were not there is always the weekend after, we’re not making promises as we know she will just go on an emotional blackmail trail. She also needs to stop hinting and asking when im off back to work as the hints are annoying us both as we know what they are hinting towards, we will tell her IF we need help. But she is not to be taking extra days off to babysit as we didn’t ask her too nor does she need too!

Im glad my partner is behind me 99% of the time, sometimes it is me. But most of it its not. Iv always said you give her an inch she’ll take it but then she goes for the mile and pushed for more every single time and we have to put the distance back in place again!

Well done! It isn't easy, but you are hearing a lot of her upset - what about your upset? You are entitled to as much, if not more consideration than she is. It is your child.

Try now to reduce the opportunity to hear about her upset. Finalise next visits on the phone, if possible, so that, having said when you will next see her, you can then bring any discussion to an end, by just saying 'Goodbye, see you soon' and ring off, possibly just text.

Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. You and your partner need to agree what you'll do ahead of time.

I'd start by ending the visit immediately. "No. You're not doing that. We'll try in a month or so." and either leave, or lock yourself in your room with baby until she's gone.

She absolutely needs to accept that she's not the Main Character here. Not for you, your partner, nor your baby. Your world doesn't revolve around her, she doesn't get a vote in your home, relationship or parenting. She is firmly in a supporting player role, and if she can't accept that, she won't be onstage at all.

Best to get this sorted out now before LO is older and starts understanding the games your MIL is playing.