HELP me to Help my MIL!

OP

They think they have the right to go and get your child whenever they want, you have been labelled mentally unwell, your nipple was chewed raw....

Girl, what are you waiting for? For them to really kidnap your child?
They are dangerous! They would harm your child and call it love.

You and your child wont see his parents again till they receive therapy and apologize, as last chance

This is a you and partner problem
You (plural) need to protect your child, dna related or not

icanhandthemback

^We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand. ^

It may be that you can't achieve this if your MIL is incapable of this. You may just have to find a way forward that doesn't give you or them what you want.

I work in Autism and mental health so Iv seen all aspects of the spectrum!

At first I was more understanding and was likee yeaaa its just the autism speaking. But then it kind of reached a point where it went beyond and the more we rewarded and were too kind to her negative behaviour the more pushy she became.

Iv often said too her I think you need to get some help to understand your emotions a little better (we all do at times) but her especially as she really has a problem with this bonding thing.
We feel really bad for her that she obviously wants to be a good grandparent but we firstly want her to when she comes into our home leave her ‘im the only mum around here’ headset at the door and to have that mutual understanding that we don’t want her to stay away! We’ve never felt like that, we just want her to be good, normal and healthy grandparent who doesn’t push boundaries or stamp her feet in order to get what she wants. It must be awful being Autistic and having all the emotions banging around in your head, your heart must want you to do it right but your head tells you differently. I personally think she needs help with the autism and how its making that transition for her difficult before it causes the boat to tip completely :/

Its true that there are no "grandparents rights" in the UK unless a court has ruled that the blood parents are unfit. My own grandmother had to be super diplomatic when I was a child. She would like to have done a lot more for me (as my parents were shit poor and stubborn) but her soliciter advised her to be very careful in case they ruled aganst her seeing me. As soon as I hit my teens and was able to figure things out for myself I spent a lot more time with my grandmother by choice. Maybe your DC will do that when they are old enough to make an informed choice. Until then as the parents you have to set and maintain the boundaries.

Does you MIL only have one child herself? I ask this because my DD's OH is an only child, when they had their first baby MIL was ecstatic and rather like your MIL in lots of ways.
On one occasion she went into the nursery when baby was restless and my DD heard her say "hush now my precious, mummy is here to look after you"! DD was appalled to hear her MIL portraying herself as a mummy to her baby.

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Good idea.

We're wise and experienced and know our boundaries.

MooMoo22 But most of all we want to help the MIL get past this she wants a MUM kind of bond and get to the Grandma bond. We want to help her to understand they are very different things!

Have you told her precisely? Perhaps explanations of how her horrible behaviour impacts you might help?

We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand.

It may be that you can't achieve this if your MIL is incapable of this. You may just have to find a way forward that doesn't give you or them what you want.

I don't think GN is the best place to invite her when I see phrases like "High Functioning Auntistic". There is no such thing. High Functioning was initially used in reference to intellectual ability. It doesn't matter how intellectual you are, if you are not capable of adaptive behaviour, you are not capable of it. You can hold down a highly challenging, brain powered job, but if you cannot cope with an exchange of ideas which means you have a melt down, it doesn't make you any less autistic.
It sounds like your MIL is finding it difficult to adapt when it comes to her ideas of "bonding". She will be churning this round and round in her mind so it will be making it more and more anxiety inducing. I honestly don't know the answer but it might be worth talking to MIND or The Autism Society so they can signpost you.
Some of the things you are experiencing will pass. You won't be breast feeding forever so that will be an argument gone. When your child learns that there are more people in the world than parents, her relationship with your child will be more tangible for her. Meanwhile, you just have to set your boundaries and stand firm. There is little point in arguing the toss, just be quietly, kindly and calmly firm. When you close your door to her after she has gone, you will be able to relax and enjoy your family. She is stuck with all that anxiety without the means to adequately process it.

Just to clarify as we seem to have an intruder on here ‘calling us moaners’ for parenting children differently.

We have NEVER said to them they wont be able to have the baby. We have said we will decide when we are ready.

But we are noticing that she’s really struggling too adapt. Shes desperate for the affection I get from my baby and she pushes so so hard and mirrors how I am with him to try receive that bond and when he won’t do it because all he wants is MUM she gets really really upset and offended!

And I genuinely think she is struggling to move past the ‘Mum bond’ to Grandparent bond and we want to help her see it hence why we have asked if there is anyone out there who MAY have had similar and how were the able to help the make a smooth transition possible.

We won’t allow babysitting right now as baby proved last week he screams when I go out, I left him with his dad to get my hair done. Within 20 mins he was screaming the house down, refusing bottles and only settled the minute he was with me at the hairdressers! He’s just not ready to be away from me yet. And this is what we try to explain to them and its usually its ‘you chose to breastfeed him, its all your fault we told you not to then he wouldn’t want to be with you constantly. He would be able to be alone and more often..’

Its them sorts of comments that really get to me. We want them involved, we’ve never said no. But we wan’t it to be healthy and mutual. We want understanding and to help them understand. We’ve tried but we don’t know how else to do it, we don’t want to cut them out. We want to help them get over these hurdles they seem to be so upset about. But most of all we want to help the MIL get past this she wants a MUM kind of bond and get to the Grandma bond. We want to help her to understand they are very different things!

Madgran77

*she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out*

Yes I agree and naming behaviours and having conversations as things happen is a good strategy in doing that.

I wouldn’t say ‘train her’ lol. She might feel a bit like an animal.

But we do try and explain that shes being too much. We try and explain things and its often a ‘this is heartbreaking you are cruel and nasty and we just want to he normal grandparents, we don’t need your permission to come and take him’ (yes we are in the UK to someone who asked above).

Im quite of the opinion shes been allowed to do absolutely everything for her children all their lives and they’ve just let her do it all for them. But its like becoming a Grandma has made her struggle and she doesn’t seem to be coping with that transition.
The FIL’s got it now. But the minute we say can you please stop, she finds something else and we end up back to square 1 and running around in a different circle.
I know you can’t please everybody in life! But when both me and partner agreed we don’t want him going off for sleepovers just yet we were met with abuse from both the MIL & FIL. We get guilt trips and emotional blackmail A LOT when we say no to all of them coming at once. But a lot of the aggro is all targeted directly at me. I was accused of being mentally unhinged and threatened with social services a few weeks back because Id said ‘he won’t have a bottle or a dummy never has I don't know why but hey ho?’. In return of that they got the great grandparents involved got them to try come guilt trip me. Its made me and my partner really uncomfortable spending time with them with the baby as we simply cant do with the invasion and pressure every time they visit us we stopped going to theirs as often as the MIL became extremely possessive in her house and would just flat out refuse to hand the baby over or would even demand more she was really obstructive with us.

We get that they want to be involved we’ve never said sleepovers/baby sitting and things wont happen Im not back to work until May and they keep pressuring me to go back mega early.. BUT there is such a huge difference between involved at a normal level and being controlling!

Honestly yesterday when my partner noticed that I went to feed him upstairs I thought FINALLY, the MIL came up. ‘Is he done yet?’ .. noo not yet dont worry im coming down before you all go so you can all say goodbye!’ She sat on the bed and would not go away purposely distracting the baby and he made my nipple red raw from chewing and biting due to her distracting!

Hetty58

What a laugh, here we go again (this time with spelling errors - but not consistent) that mythical creature, the overenthusiastic granny who wants too much - along with the perennial boundaries issue. Send her to me, the one having a good old moan about babysitting yet again.

With spelling errors? Excuse me but what on earth are you talking about?

I have absolutely no idea who you are.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out

Yes I agree and naming behaviours and having conversations as things happen is a good strategy in doing that.

Well now you ve said she’s high functioning autistic that explains a lot she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out
I also don’t think you should be having loads of visitors around they cant all be autistic tell them you need breathing /bonding space and they can come when you are free
I would only have this large family come if invited and then in twos not en masse
I think it might be really helpful to find an adult autistic website and maybe you ll get some help from others or professionals who will have seen this obsessive behaviour before You need to be given coping skills She maybe high functioning but it’s obviously distressing her and you and everyone else will get caught up
I often feel sad my family being small but it has its advantages
Good luck stick to your guns but if you can do it kindly she obviously means well but sees life through different eyes

You are amazing! I would have gone no contact by now!

I would try and set a pattern and timetable for when she can visit, I deduce she lives close by, and if she comes outside these hours, then do not answer the door.

I would contact the massed family and say to them how happy you are that they love your son, but too many visitors too often are making it difficult to set up proper routines and, in this COVID age, you are conscious of the infection dangers to a small baby from too many people holding him and breathing on him. Perhaps, if he has a day when he seems a little bit unwell, or is teething, you could hurriedly cancel all visitors for a day or two because of the fear of infection. You can say that visiting is by pre-arranged visits only.

When your MiL is with you. Ignore her when she does something you do not want, take your baby and go for a walk alone or retreat to your bedroom with him and shut and lock the door to keep her out. if she acts sensibly, shower praise on her. It is what we do with children. Why shouldn't it work with adults.

You have a highly admirable partner. Standing up constantly to his own mother cannot be easy. Imagine yourself in his place in relation to your own mother, constantly having to admonish her and tell her to back off, so lavish praise on him, saying how well he is doing in such a difficult situation.

You are in a really difficult position, but seem to be handling it incredibly well. keep us posted.

You have obviously tried hard to explain and to understand. She is lucky that you are willing to do that.

I wonder if you have tried being specific, naming her behaviours and feelings as they happen as opposed to after the event in "discussions"?

So an example:
She gets so insulted and very obviously upset with me when the baby cries and wants to come back to me. My boyfriend noticed it today and said ‘my mum looked quite upset when he cried and you said ‘pass him here for 10 mins, he’ll just want a little drink and a comfort suckle’ which he did!

When it happens you say, at the time, whilst your son is having his comfort suckle: "Does it make you feel upset when he needs to come to his mum instead of you?" ...let her answer. If she says "No!" you can say "Oh OK, its just that I got that impression because you ..." and describe very dpecifically what gives that impression. If she says yes let her talk about it, and follow up as below.

This approach can then give you an opening to say things like "Did you find that your kids when little wanted you when they were upset?" "Did you find that breastfeeding was a great way to comfort your children when they were little? " etc.

In other words uou are both naming and describing her behaviours and your observations as they happen and reminding her of how she was as a mother and with her children.

I am wondering what she experienced as a mother from her parents/in laws as grandparents? Maybe you could ask questions/remind of that too. "BF tells me he loved going to ...when he was little. Did you like him having that special different relationship with them?" ...

Good luck

You have a lot of patience I would have have asked her to go as I couldn't have coped with this invasion.

All I can suggest is very clear WRITTEN boundaries so it's clear all round including FiL and stick to them.

It may be simplest intitally just to lay down visiting times

To be quite honest if as a new Mother I was experiencing that sort of behaviour then the MiL would have to be told do this again and you are not welcome in this house and you won't be seeing your Grandchild. I would then carry it out. I'm assuming you live in the UK where there are no legal Grandparent's Rights. If you are in the USA then it won't be as simple. She sounds to be a self-centred individual and it is impossible to reason with a personality like that. You have a baby and your OH to concentrate all your time and effort, do that.

You used to be able to buy grandparents books maybe you could find a good one as a present and give it to her as a formal printed guide so she could see the expectation of difference is not just coming from you. However I doubt she would read it as she obviously needs the naughty step approach which hithere has outlined.

Oh you poor thing! Just try to be firm, consistent and carry through on any stated consequences. In other words, treat her like the child she clearly is…. Seriously though, you need to stop this now because it can only get worse.

I had a break down when my son was younger and my sister took him in for a month. She now sees my grandson heaps more than I do and has never had the fences up that I have. But I have been given loads of visits and try and stick to the boundaries in place. DIL insulted me loads in the early days and now seems to want me more involved but I have retreated a bit due to trying to protect my feelings. Trouble is my family have always talked down to me and my son has grown up seeing me in this role. I don't think it is due to being a single parent as my sister is too. I do find online chats very hard as when I was my mum's full time carer I was in the middle of a barrage of hostile nastiness and am afraid it has affected my ability to be balanced online.
I really hope it all works out, she clearly does care but seems a bit of a loose cannon

You and your partner set the boundaries and when she breaks them, she leaves or you leave.

Cancel visits or interaction if she throws guilt trips - see her in 3 months or so

Throws another tantrum? Add a month to the break

Poor me email? Another month.... you get the idea

Honestly, this has nothing to do with being autistic, do not let her use that as an excuse

It is not your job to make her understand she is the grandmother

If she doesnt like the rules, she puts herself in the corner in a timeout.

Get ready for your fil to show another side of him if he intervenes on his wife's behalf

If your partner is not on your side, you and baby refuse to see your ILs and your partner can deal with them by himself

I took a very hard line with a toxic MIL. Eventually I told her that my DH was welcome to visit her but she was not welcome in my home. We were living in my flat of which I was the leaseholder so I had every right to say this.

I would go low/no contact for a few weeks and then impress that future contact with her grandchild is conditional on her respecting your boundaries.

From what you say this lady has a serious problem. You will need unwavering support from your partner to rein her back. Her feelings are obviously overwhelming her, but she must learn to control her behaviour and her feelings if she is to have a relationship with you and the baby. That won't be easy because these kind of feelings are deep seated and not deliberate on her part. Try not to argue or get each other's backs up which would be easy to do. Tell her gently but firmly that she must assume the role of grandmother and not of mother, and if she can't manage this then she must get help. I do think coming on Gransnet is actually a good idea so guide her in this direction. I have seen many an overbearing gran told how to behave on here! If she gives a rundown of how she feels when she sees you with the baby that will be great. Only problem is she may see your post unless you ask Gransnet to take this thread down before she looks. I'm sure they will.