HELP me to Help my MIL!

Oh my goodness

There really are some overbearing MILs out there doing awful damage. I hope things keep getting easier Oisinsmummy

Dear Lord Oisinsmummy that is a whole other level of abuse you have suffered, what a nightmare ☹️

I do hope you have your own safe home with your boyfriend and son now.
I hope your boyfriend supports you in keeping his mother at a very long arms length.

Stay strong, you are so right in all you say about what your baby needed when he was small.
I hope you are getting some help from your doctor for your postnatal depression xx

Hello i know my comment is late, but this has brought up so much for me reading what you have went through, you are a very strong woman!
I had my baby 2 years ago and my MIL tormented me everyday i had with my newborn.. we lived with her and it was the pandemic so there was no escape and no end for 3 months until i forced my bf to move or we are done.
I suffered everything of what you went through, she used to run into the room and shout upstairs when i went to go breastfeed him so in the end i couldnt as i didnt get privacy to get him calm enough to latch on..
She would throw huge tantrums when she didnt get enough time with him (she had him everyday), she stared at me everytime i had my baby and if i went upstairs with him she kept telling my bf that i was doing harm for the baby by keeping him away... She was convinced she was going to be mother again..(her own words).
She would go on about other cultures where the granny has the baby and breastfeeds them and said that's the way she wants it to be... When she had my son alone after he would keep attempting to breastfeed off her so i know she tried to... She had a sick obsession...
When my son cried out for me if he woke up she would run in and grab him saying he needs her, and then say she cant let him go... She prevented my son wanting me.. i didnt feel like a mother.. i cried every night i didnt sleep i thought about killing myself everyday and still feel like ending my life now, i wanted a family but i wouldnt be able cope with that again....
My son is 2 now and i have and still suffer severe post partum depression... I get severe anxiety whenever she comes over, i cant ever trust her alone with him...
Its horrible that some grandmothers here do that to new mothers... A baby needs his/her mother ONLY.. not granny, baby doesnt need granny...nobody should ever take a baby away from their mother for overnights unless thats what the mum wants...you have no idea the stress and pain you are causing for the mother and thats going to affect her baby...
Having my son was the most beautiful amazing thing i ever had in my life but his grandmother twisted it into something so horrible because she wanted to be territorial over my baby.. i wish i could warn every new mother of this having grannys around was the most harmful thing that happened to me.

Drop the rope! It’s impossible to please boundary stompers, as by nature they are self-centered and will only be happy getting only what they want. You don’t have to be rude, but start learning the word ‘no’ use it firmly. Her feelings are not a priority for you, as she has shown yours are not a priority for her.

Should we also tell every Gran on here to just read the previous daughter in law threads? What about estrangement? Read one read them all?

Might as well just archive the whole forum.

What a silly suggestion for a forum.

Ah, I'll just agree with Madgran

Forgit the quote, nevermind

Sure, let's tell everyone that

Perhaps one of our members with time to search would start a thread with advice for those with MIL problems with links to the previous threads - that way it would save a lot of repetition

Trouble is, this will not cover the nuances of an individual situation really. I think an individual in a particular situation with their MiL , especially if upset, worried etc, will want/need more personalised advice linked to specifics. Which is understandable

I know that Grandparenting has a separate forum and this thread is under that heading.

However, might it be an idea to have a separate forum entitled 'Difficult Mothers-in-Law' as not all MILs are grandparents.

All the problems and suggestions would be in one place because the search facility is not always successful on here.

Or AIBU?

Since this type of post seems to come up regularly, maybe it would be better to direct posters to previous threads, as Hetty58 suggests. From some of the responses, it seems as if this type of MIL is occasionally a problem, but there has been plenty of advice before. I suspect most new Grans "grow out of" the over-enthusiasm after a while!

Perhaps one of our members with time to search would start a thread with advice for those with MIL problems with links to the previous threads - that way it would save a lot of repetition.

I’m with you Maw

Yes

I might be with you Maw.

Nobody is ostracising anybody and I am not aware of any paranoia- are you?
Nobody has to agree with me- I'm fine with that.

VioletSky: 'the advice may help someone' - but anyone can just type MIL in the search box to find a plethora of advice, repeated (ad nauseam) in the regular, similar posts - such as:

Overbearing
How to deal with
Selfish
I resent
Seeks advice
Etc.

It would save so many people so much time!

Perhaps she now has writer's cramp? It reminds me of the 'Italian job' one - where we told her to shut the blinds and not answer the door. Back then, I wondered how a new mother had so much time to write!

Sorry but I think the whole "fake post" stuff is gross

If you think MILs like this don't exist, you are mistaken

And the advice may help someone, even if you are right

Also troll hunting is against guidelines for a good reason

If you are suspicious, report it to gransnet instead of ostrasising a possibly vulnerable poster and spreading paranoia

Hmm
Despite posting like there’s no tomorrow, OP seems to have “been otherwise occupied” or IOW abandoned us.
I do wonder about this sort of thread pattern - lengthy convoluted posts, elaborate back story, many many sympathetic replies and helpful comments from other posters - not a lot of sign of taking things on board though ….
And then - silence.
I have drawn my conclusions which I do not necessarily expect others to share.
Draft plot of a chick lit novel?
A deliberate “plant” to arouse interest on GN perhaps to increase footfall?
Or a wind up?

Empathy can be learned even if it isn't present, that's why pets are a great idea and why we use social stories.

Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour but other adults can modify their behaviour to help, like explaining things carefully and ensuring the person with autism is prepared for events in advance.

Either way, other adults have needs too and can be negatively impacted. The best thing to do is carefully explain feelings and needs and have solid boundaries

It is a presumption on your part that mothers on GN and MN are using autism as an excuse for their child's behaviour, Idunnsapple. You asked a question and I responded. I usually make a statement with the word "may" or "sometimes" but didn't hear because I was in a hurry so you are quite right, some ASD brains can be empathetic. As for having a library, you will know that this is a processing disorder and that someone with ASD may cope admirably well until they hit something that they just can't process easily or at all. It sounds like this is where OP's MIL is.

icanhandthemback

Idunnsapple

Why is it if someone has behaviour issues, doesn't comprehend the basic social interaction and is super selfish, then it must be blamed on autism? The same with Mumsnet.
Your MIL sounds a plain pain in the posterior. She might have autism (is she actually diagnosed, or is it an excuse the family gives for her behaviour?).
Your baby is 5 months old, and she wants overnights, throwing tantrums because you choose to BF? Do not indulge her fantasies. Tell her the baby is the priority, the baby wants/needs his Mum, and her conduct is irrational and very egocentric.

Maybe because that can be what autism looks like to a neurotypical person? I wonder how you think autism is identified in the first place. It is because a child lacks the usual social skills, empathy, rigidity in thinking and usually has behavioural issues. The earlier you catch it, the better the outcome is for assisting the child to integrate better but those issues are still there, they may just be more manageable. Brain studies have showed that the brain works differently so it is hardly an excuse.

That's a bit of a patronising presumption on your part that I have no knowledge of autism.
I know enough about the spectrum, having a severely autistic son of 20. I have a library of books on the subject to rival any bookshop and have read extensively. That's not the point.
The point is that any deviation in behaviour is regularly claimed by the specialists of Mumsnet/Gransnet to be autism. Not every person who is difficult in social situations has autism. Some are just ego-centric.
Incidentally, not all people with autism are lacking empathy, some do, some don't.

I should add - that I am now on speaking terms with my MIL again now things have calmed down but I just needed to protect my headspace. My husband still video called her to show her our son, I'd just be somewhere else at the time so I didn't hear all the criticism about our parenting. Now I'm more confident I just say "why on earth would we do that" or "Well that ain't happening" if she tries to imply her way is better.

Hey OP! I haven't read all replies but want to say I could have written your post. My MIL is not autistic but displayed a lot of these behaviours. I'm ashamed to say I went no contact. But it took the edge off. I still worry about her feelings occasionally but I dont obsess anymore. It doesnt matter what you do - she has to figure it out. They are her emotions. You can only fill your own bucket of happiness.

Mine took over at 4 weeks pp when they visited for 2 weeks, tried to kick me out my own house and ruined my pp period. I am still annoyed about it. She's lucky in a way that we live overseas because contact with my baby has reduced naturally and she's had to deal with the realisation that she isn't as important as mummy or daddy. If she'd lived up the road I think we'd have seen very little of her by choice and that would have been harder to deal with. Don't let her visit every week. She needs to understand that your needs and wants trump hers - by changing plans for you guys she will realise she isn't top dog. If you keep trying to make her happy she won't learn to deal with being unhappy. I see it as a set of scales - at the moment her desires are weighing the scales down. You need to level them otherwise you'll struggle to care for your son. Take a break from seeing them. Go away for a weekend break together as a family. Let her protest, let her throw a tantrum. Remember you will have an actual toddler soon who also won't be able to process their feelings either. Are you going to reward tantrums with what they want? Nah. Course not! Get used to feeling like you're a baddy, I'm learning that's part of becoming a mum. Your kids aren't going to love you all the time, and they shouldn't, especially if they are learning about boundaries.

Trust me - take a weekend mini break and get back to being a family. This time is so precious. You want to look back fondly not remember being disgruntled.

I too think she sounds like some character in a book -a very bad book.