Granny in the corner

MawtheMerrier: I have friends who seem to “live through” their AC and GC , good luck to them, but IMO that way sadness lies because the little ones grow into big ones and while they may love and tolerate Granny, we are not central to their lives.

I agree. Two of my sisters do live through their GC, too late now to change in their 80s, but they do indeed get sad in the corner.

Best, I think, to begin as you mean to go on, not focusing on GC. I still begin each day with that in mind even at 78 years old.

I've always loved this quote
'a Grandma just is'

The advantages of not being the local grandmother is that despite being well into teenage, the eldest DGC does GCSEs this year, they still remain close to you and love being with you when you see them.

I’m 68 and enjoying what I have in my life while I have it.
I know it won’t last forever, any of it. When things change I will adapt and adjust without regrets because I’ve enjoyed the journey so far.

I like the Rent a Gran idea. Not sure which one I could market myself as
Maybe Surprising Gran
Available in various guises to suit home decor or social/family occasion.

Three of our grandchildren were living with us during covid, three were a long distance away, and we didn’t see them for a long time.
I remember the first meeting in our daughters garden, we couldn’t go inside, instead of the happy reunion I’d imagined, it was very awkward, took a while to get back to where we were before.

I agree that moving up to secondary school is the start of things being different, with our youngest GC, it also co-incided with Covid, which made it a double whammy.

I am a gran, but not in the corner yet! I will soon be 67 years old; my GD is 2 years old. She is our only GC, so we are relishing every moment long distance...we live in the U.S., and son and family live in the UK. We Face Time on Sundays and stay relevant and healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

Maw I could very much relate to your experience.
I'm a single mum not long retired, my eldest son has two kids and my youngest has recently married.
Its quite a transition to go from working and being the central figure in your children's lives to retirement and being a bystander in regard to your AC's lives.
I'm slowly learning to carve out a new life, volunteering and making new friends as well as being available to help out with the GC's.
Physically I am finding the lack of strength and staying power a little depressing even though I power walk most days of the week.
I guess its all part of ageing. I know a lovely GGM who sits back (in the corner) and enjoys the occasional family get together. She just turned 92 and told me some days she is exhausted and all she has done is basically sat around all day watching her large extended family spend the day together.
Life is one big learning curve, and I guess that's what keeps it a challenge.
Thanks so much for your post

It is sad that sometimes we feel left out of all these busy lives.

I recently read a verse which is not totally on this topic. It was called WAITING. It was all the things in our children's lives that we waited for eg: 9 months for you to be born, then followed the milestones in their lives After all these events in life we end up at the window waiting for them to call.

My dh and myself are now becoming the grandparents in the corner now.My dh has been seriously I’ll with various problems for over a year and we haven’t been as available as we were.
I don’t mind as I feel very tired physically and emotionally but I know my dh minds, but he’s not up to being hands on,sadly.it is sad, but it’s had to be for us.

Caleo

My grandson went to the university in this city and never visited me once nor telephoned. I did not expect him to seek my company but his total neglect was bad manners. I don't know how he got to be bad mannered, as his mother and father have good manners.,

Comforting to know it's not just me who is ignored.

Make the most of the times they need you. There will come a time when they get older and have a lot of activities in their life and they no longer need you. You have to learn to adapt. Dont get upset its the way life is. If they want to come and visit, make yourself available.

MawtheMerrier... yes, I certainly meant no offense on my response on page 2 of this thread, I was merely remarking on the way I saw a 'granny in the corner' to be.

There is and will be a transition from an active grandparent, doing childminding, being the centre of family meals an occasions, participating in sports and play with GC, from slowly becoming less a part of their lives, and quietly sitting in the perimeter, both metaphorically and literally.

I participate actively in my GC's lives, those living close and far away. I really hope that I maintain a spot in their lives, and greatly admire those here that maintain relationships with teenage and young adult GC.

I never had grandparents (all died before I was born, or lived in another country so never met), so I have no base guide, but I really do love and cherish, and hope to stay an active part of the lives of my GC.

Yesterday we had a 'snow day' with school and work cancelled because of a bad snowstorm. I picked the 2 local ones up in the afternoon when the roads were cleared, and built snow-men, had hot chocolate, then played Nintendo bowling with them. So far, I've managed to stay out of the corner!

the little ones grow into big ones and while they may love and tolerate Granny, we are not central to their lives

I'm very aware that by the time the youngest is 10 we will probably be of little interest to him,

The point at which they move from primary school to senior school is pivotal in relationships, too, or perhaps a year or so later when they enter the Teenage Tunnel and their friends and activities are the most important relationships.

We need to maintain our own friendships and social activities and remember that Grannies are people in their own right too.

I was reading this topic with interest when the phone rang. It was my eldest GC, aged 15. Her second call in two days and a rarity as we usually just exchange very occasional brief texts. We had a lovely long chat and she said that she has recently felt a need to actually talk to us. This was very nice to hear but perhaps prompted by my hospitalisation over Christmas. I suspect her father (DS) had told them that they're lucky I'm still here! I told her we fully understand that as we, and she, get older the generation gap may widen a little, grandparents become less interesting, and young adults are building their own social circles.

We have never been greatly involved with any of our GC. We moved too far away for babysitting or child care duties, and now we only see them when they visit as a family a few times a year. I don't regret that, TBH it suits us very well and all the GC are delighted to see us when they visit. They range in age from 1 - 15 years and I'm very aware that by the time the youngest is 10 we will probably be of little interest to him, so we make the most of the time we spend with them now, and hope that they might remember us (kindly) when they are grown up.

So I agree entirely with Maw and I think I'm probably now approaching the 'granny in the corner' stage simply because of health issues, though I shall resist it as long as I can. Although DH is older than me he's a lot fitter and more active and I don't think he will be retreating to his corner just yet.

@. Vintagenonna -
I’m still trying to decide which one I want to be!
Staying cheerful I hope with a side order of Always Reminiscing when adequately lubricated with G&T

I have given subscritions to science magazines (BBC, Science Weekly) and send notes on those articles (I'm a Biologist) together with a weekly sentence of personal updates. This is without any need to reply / thank and I say not to write unless they want to or would like information - avoids resentment.

I keep up to date with my subject - great - and have something to talk about when I visit them. I feel part of their lives and they always have something to tell me about when we meet; often to do with their school topics associated with those in the digital magazines.

Although slightly off topic - I can recall standing chatting with my daughter to her neighbour - they had a netball post and he was having a shoot - he threw to my daughter and we stood talking a while . Not once did either of them include me - it was strange / I felt invisible.
Ps I’m more than capable of scoring ! 😂😂

Oh, I have been looking forward to being granny in the corner for years, best seat in best corner, obv. GC do grow up and become more distant it's the way of the world. How nice to sit and throw in.the odd comment and know they know more than you now about the world today. And if you're lucky and they are independent and trouble free (some hopes) you can sit and enjoy being brought cups of tea.

Wonder if there is a marketing opportunity here, Grans. A friend said years ago that, because he had been in care and his wife's parents died when she was just out of her teens, their kids had never had grandparents - and yearned for them.

Hence :

"'Rentagran' :

PARENTS for a reasonable cost you can rent a Gran to sit in your corner and add that extra something to family events.

Our specially selected and trained Grans come in a wide range of skills, aptitudes, backgrounds and number of teeth.

Select from:

Always cheerful - if slightly pissed at 7 pm - Gran! - A real party starter. Keep away from candles and open fires.

Always reminiscing Gran : bound to keep the 7 to 11 year olds entertained with stories* about what YOU were like when young.

(*these stories will be invented on the spot or - for a significant extra charge - reflect only your good points)

Always sighing Gran : looks sorrowful and responds well to pats on the arm, lap sitting and hugs. Perfect if you have a mix of children, dogs, cats and rabbits to occupy.

Always-on-the-go-Gran : wakes you up at by arriving at 6 am, rather than 6 pm. Likely to ask for an extension lead for the vacuum cleaner; tackles the dust behind the furniture, sorts out the contents of your freezer and tells your friends what a mess your house is.

Pandapatch
I feel for you, I’m sixty eight and have spent a large part of the day sitting in the floor, doing puzzles and playing games.
I have also been mum, dad, the ballet teacher, the swimming teacher, the school teacher, Elsa from Frozen, the Evil stepmother from Cinderella , Ursula from the Little Mermaid, I’ve read read books, made up stories, and all this wonderful make believe has to include lots of imaginary characters, and I get told off if I muddle them up.
Exhausting, but she’s the last one and she’ll be off to school soon, I’ll miss her.

I am 77, nearly 78 and still fit and active. 3 AC and 5 GC. 2 live in this country but a two hour drive away (I no longer drive at night), The other 3 live abroad and we see them only every couple of years or so. All are under 10. So I've never been much of a hands-on grandmother, although I have babysat them all in my time. There is a connection but not as much as I fantasised about before they were born. I never had any grandparents myself, so no realistic expectations. I've no intention of ever being "in a corner," since I am lucky enough to have my health, my husband, my career, my friends and my activities. We've never lived near enough to do regular childcare (thank goodness) and doubtless I've missed out on some closeness but now I can watch them grow up and develop, albeit mostly at a distance, and we are significant figures in one another's lives. But I could not ever see them as the centre of my universe, so maybe that will save me from future heartache?

Well we put ourselves in the corner last year after visiting overseas DD + 3 last year. Christmas came so all stayed together here x 9! After re-charging our batteries we have just been invited to Oz again by DD in March! So early nights till then and off we go again. We do feel our early seventies sometimes -I wouldn't have it any other way though !

This has been an interesting thread, thanks Maw. My experience more or less mirrors yours with a little childminding still going on but with that daughter being more aware of not asking too much of me.
I am glad to have reached the stage that my children don’t ‘need’ me and will be fine when I’m not around, if you know what I mean.
I’m also with LauraNorderr, I’ve earned that corner!