Tips for a new grandparent

Sorry everyone .I think I should have started a new thread or searched for the topic I wanted to discuss .

Apologies!

Pianokey, just wait until May - then see what she wants. She has no idea how she'll feel until then. I just wanted peace and quiet, few visitors (especially those who stayed all day) and I would have loved a few hot meals.

What I got was an endless parade of (well meaning but) noisy friends and relatives, all wanting to hold the baby or change his nappy! I needed sleep, naps when he napped, not making tea and coffee all day long, not company, not the effort of making conversation.

After a week of disturbance and takeaways, my husband told everyone I had a migraine and turned them away at the door.

Hello everyone . I am new to the forum but hoping to learn lots and contribute where I can! You all sound really lovely and give sensible advice .

I am looking forward to my first grand child, due later this year. I'm totally buzzing to be honest !

My boys are 31 and 29 and I accept lots of things have changed a lot since my day . I won't be butting in with 'advice' for sure !

My 'problem' is this ....My son and his partner live in Australia ( I live in France) We will certainly go over to meet our grandchild ( after checking when we will be needed rather than dashing over !) and my son will no doubt visit during the summer holidays but there will still be long stretches where we won't get to see each other face to face .

Have any other grandparents been faced with this ? How have you managed to stay part of your grandchild's life ?

Many thanks for sharing your experience

My first grandchild is being born at the start of April and reading your posts has really been so helpful. Especially as I am a person that can easily "take over". The fact that I have a nursing background and my daughter a medical doctor, obviously could complicate the roles even more So, I have learnt a lot, thank you all.

I'm so very pleased to read each and every comment. I have gained some really helpful insights and tips that I honestly wouldn't have had before. I feel I can be much clearer about how to approach this . My perspective has changed slightly in a very positive way.Thank you so much everyone. You have been brilliant

Thank god and enjoy

You have been given some excellent advice here, so I can add only 'Congratulations' - you have so much joy and happiness ahead. x

Grandma29 No you were not wrong, they are not in charge of your life. Are you making yourself a bit too available if they have this attitude??

How lucky to have so much help on offer. We had no help and I worked through labour standing in a queue at the Post Office as I had customers to keep. I am not saying woe is me. Had an epidural booked and all went well. I was back at work at home in three days. Mum was old and three hours drive away and not really interested until he got older when thankfully they became close and he was her pallbearer.

I don’t think a healthy young woman, who has the support of her husband/partner needs her mother or mother in law taking over.
Sure, be there if she asks, do a bit of shopping, take any older children out a bit, but cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, surely they can manage between them.
It’s lovely to welcome friends and family and show off your new baby, and lovely to have a mum you can call in if you need to.
But otherwise, stand back and let them get on with it.

Grandma29, sounds like they regard you as staff and resent the temerity of your going off duty without explicit permission.
maybe do less for them.
best not to argue or try to justify.
just offer what you really want to do eg take GD out for a walk or excursion.
good luck.

Sara1954

I wonder when it started that new mothers needed help, I never had any, and didn’t want any, and as far as I know none of my friends had their mothers turning up for a week,
I know there is less rest time in hospital, but there is also paternity leave.
Not saying it’s a wrong thing to do, just wondering if it’s really necessary.

Same here even after I had had a c section both times.
But I did not act like the way my mother and MIL acted when I became a grandmother. I have no daughters, but offered all the help they asked for, but waited until asked.
Enjoy being a grandmother but take it as it comes.I am now a great grandmother so can speak with oats of experience.

vegansrock

Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.

Best advice vegansrock.

It’s always a difficult time as obviously you don’t want to take over. My daughter-in-law has mental health issues and my son is not well.
Last Christmas I went abroad and as my son was unwell they weren’t happy about me leaving them to fend for themselves.
I was torn as to what to do.
I was made to feel guilty going on holiday. When I returned I basically got a ‘dressing down’ which really upset me!
Was I wrong to go. I love my Granddaughter and love to soend timewith her but I do have a life my own!!

Aw how lovely. Your job should be primarily to encourage and instill confidence in both the new parents. Do a few chores, cook a couple of meals at home, perhaps freeze some so that when you're not there, she always has something easy for a meal. Take the washing and ironing home with you. Please don't forget to include dad and the other grandparents. Be guided by your daughter. The most important thing you can do is to keep telling her that she's doing a fantastic job.

I let my DD decide what she wanted me to do!

You sound very practical,lots of good suggestions above also spoil her a bit take a few things just for her & tell her what a great Mum she will be,that should help her emotionally.You have the greatest joy ahead of you,have fun.

Never criticise what they do, things have changed a lot since our day.....And mainly enjoy 👶

As a 1st time grandma of 4 weeks I read this thread with interest. I too had similar concerns and was keen not to interfere but also keen to provide support if needed. My daughter had a traumatic birth and welcomed practical and emotional support when she returned home. I emphasised we would only visit when invited. We gave them space whilst SIL was on paternity leave and I booked 1 week of annual leave to be available to support if needed when he returned to work. Since lockdown both daughter snd SIL work from home and I anticipate this may be an issue for SIL when the inevitable tough baby days occur. One thing that has surprised me is how much things have changed since my daughter was born 28 years ago. I feel as though any advice I may have given is now out of date. Enjoy this special time and I’m sure your daughter will find lots of comfort from you being there to support her in this new and exciting chapter.

Plenty of good advice here! I just wanted to say congratulations and that you have years of fun ahead! Enjoy!

Keep low profile and respond when asked. Just get on with doing any washing etc if needed. Remember the parents are in charge, not you!
Enjoy the role, lots of pluses🤗

Congratulations when baby arrives. I would say make them some meals so it’s easier for them to warm up when ready and remember you are not the only grandparent you son inlaw also has a mum and it’s her grandchild too maybe ask her if she wants to route daily with you so you both can help the new parents. I couldn’t help with my last grandchild as we were in lockdown and I didn’t get to meet her until she was 5 months old and my son and daughter inlaw said in away it helped them bond on their own but they also missed out on us grandparents being able to help. Also what you did when you had a baby as also change quite a lot since then. No one knows what someone wants or needs until the time arrives. It’s natural to be excited and overshop we all do it lol just play it by ear and enjoy your time with your grandchild

My daughter was very fussy when she had her first child, pureeing organic veg etc.
The first time she left the baby overnight, we had two foolscap pages of instructions. I have a photo of me with the baby on my knee and I was explaining to her that she was not obeying mummy's instructions!
A couple of years later there were two babies and they were dropped off with no instructions and the parents scarpered!

My own dil’s didn’t want any help, both their husbands had two week paternity leave anyway, and they seemed to want only them, so we left them to it.
I think it’s best to ask, in any case and only do what’s requested. Thinking back. My husband didn’t have any time off, and my mum left me to it !

You sound as if you have thought this threw already
Just tread carefully with love and all will fall into place