Mothers need support - how best to offer it?

Norah

Applegran I just came across this article about how much mothers need support - being a mother is incredibly demanding, but mums may feel they have to say "I'm fine!" when asked.

I feel mums need no actual support apart from the child's father. I managed quite well alone as did our daughters - learning the ways of the our new baby without outdated advice and opinions.

I always ask if there are needs and if I may send food round.

Young mums/parents get on well, as it ever was.

I know this question is from a grandparents' perspective (and a wonderful post, if I may add). But as a current parent of small children, I'd say the number one thing we all need most is to raise our sons to be equal partners/parents expecting to share half of the responsibilities of the household. We should raise our daugthers to expect as much. Most of the reasons mothers feel so overwhelmed is that no matter how much we are pushed to do it all both at work and at home, we are still expected to carry on with the lion's share of domestic and parenting duties. Almost without exception, mothers also carry the mental load for their households. For example: my husband may be willing to step up and cook half of our meals. But that's only after I'd put together the shopping list, acquire our groceries, and put together our meal plan for the week. I'm still expected to plan and manage the process if I want all of us to eat.

In many ways, we are still in this position because of the way sons are doted on and given a pass on these basic life skills.

My husband is incredibly involved and tries his best to meet me halfway in our household. Yet he still lacks the basic life knowledge / mental planning skills needed to fully meet me halfway. One could claim these are innate differences between men and women. I'm a strong believer that it has more to do with the way boys and girls are socialized from infancy.

We need to stop doing more for our sons than we do for our daughters and to stop expecting more from our daughters than we do from our sons.

The real support we need is a truly equal partnership from our husbands/our children's fathers.

Mothers may need support, but it doesn't follow that their mothers are where they will want to look for that support.

Each generation seems to diagree with the previous generations childcare routines and I would say are far more likely to look to friends or health visitors or the like. I cannot remember any of my friends relying on their mothers for support. I did not and I had a loving mother with whom I got on well.

I think one of the problems as well is the amount of information/advice out there now for new parents. A lot of it often conflicts and can be overwhelming for inexperienced and nervous new parents.

When I needed help and advice about baby problems (teething, potties, sleeping etc) I asked my friends because they all had children of their own and much more recent experience.
My parents were there to help, and cuddle; my husband regarded babies as entirely my problem while he pursued other interests,' because I have been working all week.' and my father in law helpfully said : when a man comes home from a day's work he has a right to expect the children are in bed and he can have some peace.

I feel mums need no actual support apart from the child's father I agree Norah. They'll manage as did the generations before them who more often than not didn't have support from their child's father.

Applegran I just came across this article about how much mothers need support - being a mother is incredibly demanding, but mums may feel they have to say "I'm fine!" when asked.

I feel mums need no actual support apart from the child's father. I managed quite well alone as did our daughters - learning the ways of the our new baby without outdated advice and opinions.

I always ask if there are needs and if I may send food round.

Young mums/parents get on well, as it ever was.

We grans are on here because we are always learning too, as the parents are. There is no right or wrong way and old ways aren't the new ways :-) .... Talking and being there for each other is the most important thing

I agree with those who say we must remember fathers too - and sometimes the father is the main carer in those early days and months. But it is more often the mother - and if she is breast feeding, the father cannot step in so easily. Fathers and mothers need support - and both need to know they are valued and cared about.

I agree Hithere too often fathers are sidelined or don't participate much in child care especially in the early years. Let's not forget those fathers who for whatever reason take on most or all of the child care.

1. People need to feel safe to give the real answer to how are you
If I don't have a good relationship with you, close relationship or i dont know you or trust you, you are going to get "I am fine"

2. I wish the article could put the father of the child in the picture, how he contributes and takes responsibility and they all act as a family
Then, the family can decide what help they need from whom

Interesting thread. I am not a grandmother, yet, but when I find myself about to suggest something to my AC, I usually think back to how I would have felt had my Mother given me the same advice

I’m in a new grandma situation and certainly won’t push.
Thrilled to say mother is keen to hand over baby already so she can do things.
I do hope I’m not missing anything in way of offering support but feel she is happy.

Personally, I think the best thing to say is I am here if you need me or would like me to help, just let me know. Also, when buying gifts and stuff, ask first as the younger generation have their own ways. The last thing a young mother wants is some interfering know all who makes her feel incompetent. Perhaps contact once or twice a week to see how they are keeping etc? All will depend on family dynamics. As I was not a born mother, I let my own mother do her own things as she was better at the job than I was. I spent my life looking up Miriam Stoppard and Dr Spock. I don't think as a grandmother that I would not be happy being given lists of rules by my children. Sensible and productive rules I would abide by but not neurotic, whim of the moment rules. If I am good enough to look after baby, then I am good enough to be trusted to a good degree.

I think it is important to remember that the parents are in charge.

Any advice that is needed can be found online from a professional body or from other mums that are up to date with todays methods.

Being a grandparent does not mean that you know better than the parents.

I think this post is very thoughtful. Truth is, the family dynamics of today are much different than in the past. I think as grans, no matter how knowledgeable and experienced we are, best to support the new parents in the way they see fit—within reason. We should not be demanding time or set visiting schedules. But at the other end of the spectrum, we shouldn’t be taking on full on parenting duties when our adult children are fully capable either. Lots of grans run themselves into the ground trying to provide endless free child-care or financial support. I feel that finding a balance between supporting them and letting them manage their own families can be difficult at times due to our nature, but that our thoughts must always be on what’s best for them in the long term. Granny won’t be around forever. The chances are high that we will leave them and the grandchildren sooner rather than later. Morbid as it sounds, I function with that in mind a lot because I want my daughter to function as a mother and wife without dependence on me. I also don’t want to waste the last quarter of my life having a row with her for being overbearing. It’s not always easy.

We will all make mistakes just as they will. It’s just easier for me personally to keep things in perspective. They are young. I am not. I want to try to make the most of my time with my family while I’m still here. Whatever the issue, lean toward peace and I feel love will guide in the right direction.